The real truth about my sex life - HELP

[underacloud]

Your description of your husband, both here and in the OP, make it clear that he is a man who really deserves your best efforts. You do owe it to him to bend over backwards to fix this issue. It may not be fun, but talking to your priest, seeing a counselor, and getting a full medical checkup are steps that you need to take for the sake of your husband and your marriage.

Just because you are ok with no sex doesn’t mean he is, nor is it fair to expect him to be.

Well said.

Yes, he does, per the OP’s descriptions, seem like a good and respectful husband.

A good counselor will be able to help you see each other’s perspectives better and meet in the middle somewhere.

As per long-standing Catholic teaching, sex is not something one spouse can unilaterally decide to exclude. It is a right that each spouse has in a Catholic marriage, and there is an obligation to meet it. I know that sounds harsh and unromantic, but there are good underlying reasons for it (eg mutual fidelity, cure for concupiscence).

No doubt the fear of another pregnancy is weighing on you, so a dedicated and agreed approach to NFP will be needed. Being comfortable with this may help alleviate your key concern.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

I think we could teach men more about this and try to get them to understand that sex is not everything in a marriage.

For most normal men, a halfway decent or better sex life is 10% of a good marriage so of course it is not everything, after all, it’s only a few times a week, but … but … but too little or no sex is often 90% of a bad marriage. Marriage is the only biblically sanctioned place where a man can have sex and his wife is the only woman he can have sex with. A typical man’s drive never goes away though it will lessen with age, but most men are willing to have sex less often than they prefer in order to accommodate their wives … as long as they are at least having some sex.

That said, the OP does have a point about the way her body is talking to her and her husband has been respectful and tolerant to this point. It is good that she acknowledges that this is a major issue and it would be good if she can discuss further with her husband how they might move forward from here. Both partners must think choosing love as an action when figuring that out. Good luck.

 

[Lookingforjoy]

Aww, give it time. I was exactly the same way after having my third baby (three kids under 6!) and it didn’t get much better until after I weaned her. Now she’s one and things are fine again.

Certainly do what you can to help the problem, but don’t beat yourself up. This will settle down with time.

 

[aTraditionalist]

Cricket2:

Though I am not married and never have been, this is a conversation I have heard from others many times. If you don’t feel like sex, you don’t and your husband really needs to get a grip as far as I am concerned. Child bearing does have a variety of effects on a woman, including different hormonal fluxes and the ever present fatigue associated with nursing, being up all times of the day and night to change and care for the kids.

My mom told me that she had this trouble with our dad. It was if he could never get enough sex and she could have cared less. It is, I suppose one of the “hazards” of having kids. Still I get frustrated with hearing from so many women who struggle with this, while their husband can’t figure out why. It does seem really unfair.

I think we could teach men more about this and try to get them to understand that sex is not everything in a marriage. Now, I don’t know if giving you a couple of days to yourself, as in a retreat or little vacation would help, but I have heard some suggest it. But if your body is saying no sex, then you are more than likely correct that it is also saying no more kids just now. Shouldn’t this be part of NFP???

No offense, but this is just not good advice. Maybe a small retreat is in order but cutting her husband off from sex is a terrible idea. There are dynamics is a marriage that I don’t think you understand. We husbands do understand, have a “grip” and appreciate what our wives go through. It’s a two way street and should be mutually supportive. Her job is no easier or harder than his, and both have separate needs.

To the OP, suck it up and figure it out because that’s what we do for our spouses and family. Despite how I feel most days, I still do things I don’t want to do. All because in the end, I’ll have my wife after the kids are gone. I suggest you study the theology of the sacrament.

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[Lookingforjoy]

To the OP, suck it up and figure it out because that’s what we do for our spouses and family. Despite how I feel most days, I still do things I don’t want to do. All because in the end, I’ll have my wife after the kids are gone. I suggest you study the theology of the sacrament.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

Could we be kinder? It sounds like she is just “sucking it up” but her husband doesn’t enjoy sex when she doesn’t enjoy it. It’s really hard to enjoy something when your body is rebelling against it.

 

[Cathmomof6]

Aww, give it time. I was exactly the same way after having my third baby (three kids under 6!) and it didn’t get much better until after I weaned her. Now she’s one and things are fine again.

Certainly do what you can to help the problem, but don’t beat yourself up. This will settle down with time.

I feel the same way. My husband and I have even married for 16 years. I have 7 kids with the youngest being 5 months. I personally think breastfeeding sucks out all my libido too:shrug: Once my cycles return, sex is much better. I would wait till you have weaned the baby, and then see if things have changed!!

 

[LongingSoul]

Having to be ‘all into it’ and and ready for action 3 times a week would be hard enough for me without breastfeeding and littlies running around all day, let alone with them. I thank God that at least my husband has never been that needy of sex. I do think though that when people have developed a taste for consequence free sex either prior to marriage or for some time using contraception within marriage… it’s pretty difficult to live the more frugal sex life that natural family planning offers after that.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Dear Readers,

I have lurked here a long time, and I feel so frustrated that I finally feel like I need to post. I really appreciate people’s reading my “story” and offering suggestions or even frank observations. I am at my wit’s end!

Have been married nine years, and in that time I have had four great kids. My youngest is 9 months old and my oldest is almost 8. That’s a lot of kids in a short amount of time. I am a stay-home mom and my husband works really hard to support us. He is a great guy! I made a really wise decision to marry him. We are alike in so many ways, we almost never argue.

Except about one thing.

Our sex life.

Ugh. I just don’t want to have sex. I haven’t really “wanted” to since after my first baby was born. I have been nursing and breeding since that time, and I just don’t feel like my hormones are screaming for me to “get pregnant again!” I am pretty overwhelmed at home (it’s not my husband’s fault, he does half the housework and tons of childcare, I am just… you know… kinda burned out.) I feel this is purely biological, my body just knows a pregnancy is not a good idea right now so obviously I don’t have the chemicals surging that I need to to WANT sex. I honestly feel like I would be happy NEVER to have sex again. My husband touching me makes my skin crawl. Not because he is a gross person, but because I know what he wants.

His sex drive is pretty high and he believes that sex is absolutely integral to a healthy marriage. He does not like feeling that he is “raping” me when I am not enjoying the sex. He wants me to like it. I can’t. I try. I do try to act and pretend for his sake. But he sees right through the falseness, and then feels like he is using my body to masturbate himself. How can I make myself want something that seems so off-putting? I just want to go to bed. Or read a magazine. Or take a bath. For years. Seriously, I do not ever, ever want sex. I don’t want to be pregnant (neither does he), and I just want my body left alone for a while.

I try to tell him that all day I have kids all over me, nursing, needing their butts wiped, needing to be carried and fed and cleaned - I am not a touchy person by nature so at the end of the day when my husband wants a piece of my body I just CRINGE. I want to scream at him to stop needing me to give even more of myself when I feel I have zero to give. He says I am cold and that my turning him down hurts him. He does not understand how a person does not want sex…ever.

I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want to ruin my marriage. I want my husband to be happy, but I also wish he understood what it feels like to really, really not want to have sex. He has no idea and can’t even imagine it. He says I need to fix my sex drive, but I say he should fix his! His ideal frequency is about 3 times per week (okay, it’s every day, but he says he would be really satisfied with 3 days a week), and mine is absolutely NEVER.

Sometimes when I know I have to have sex with my husband I drink a few glasses of wine so that it’s easier to get it over with. Isn’t that awful!?

Any advice?

Here are my thoughts. There is a lot of “me” in your post. You say he does not know how it feels yet you have no idea how it must feel to have a wife that not only turns you down and rejects you but is repulsed by the idea of you. How damaging that must be for him. That you used the “r” word is a HUGE red flag. Either you frivolously used it to try to make a point or there is some deeper issue here. Bottom line, I think you need to seek some professional help. Immediately. Your life and marriage and family depend on it.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Aww, give it time. I was exactly the same way after having my third baby (three kids under 6!) and it didn’t get much better until after I weaned her. Now she’s one and things are fine again.

Certainly do what you can to help the problem, but don’t beat yourself up. This will settle down with time.

LOL you say 3 under 6 like that is a lot… For some of us it is the norm.

 

[Xantippe]

Here are my thoughts. There is a lot of “me” in your post. You say he does not know how it feels yet you have no idea how it must feel to have a wife that not only turns you down and rejects you but is repulsed by the idea of you. How damaging that must be for him. That you used the “r” word is a HUGE red flag. Either you frivolously used it to try to make a point or there is some deeper issue here. Bottom line, I think you need to seek some professional help. Immediately. Your life and marriage and family depend on it.

Hoosier Daddy,

What the OP is experiencing is totally within the range of normal female experience. The skin crawling, disgust and revulsion at physical contact or the thought of intercourse is a pretty normal phenomenon in a woman who still has a nursing infant and whose cycles haven’t returned. It’s not necessarily pathological. Women just aren’t supposed to bounce back immediately from having a baby to getting pregnant again, which is why these phenomena exist.

I know the OP wants to keep nursing another three months, but it seems a very high price to pay. Perhaps she should ask her husband how he feels about continuing to nurse to one year versus weaning to formula.

It might be a good idea to see an OB/GYN about this, but I strongly suspect the OB/GYN is just going to say, “Yeah, a lot of women feel like that. It usually goes away. Come back if it doesn’t.”

I can’t overemphasize how common this particular phenomenon is.

“It’s normal to have a decreased sex drive after giving birth. This feeling can last for months. In one study of postpartum women, 20 percent had little or no desire for sex three months after delivery, and another 21 percent had a complete loss of desire or aversion to sexual activity.”

babycenter.com/404_is-it-normal-not-to-want-sex-after-having-a-baby_11804.bc

 

[Stillsosola]

Your ok i feel like that for at least a few years after every baby your not hormonal your being sensible! Your body is saying i cant do another pregnancy listen to it use nfp or do what id i just sleep in the nursery i also think my extended 3 yrs plus nursing habits effect my libido maybe nursing is effecting yours? Also you could just have intimacy such as hugging and kissing that doesnt lead to intercourse or other sexual behavior to kind of loosen up and get you to feel differently about your husband tell your husband how you feel about another pregnancy he might understand your rejection that way

 

[Xantippe]

If we believe that sex is about babies, it’s no surprise that having a real live baby can make a woman uninterested in sex. The mission has been accomplished–now it’s time to take care of the baby.

(I’m not saying that this is fun for daddy, it’s just that it is very, very natural and understandable and also generally temporary. In this context, 9 months is nothing.)

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s a related story about how I felt after my second child was born: I only had eyes for the baby and was kind of ticked off and fed up by the presence of my previously adored two-year-old. Hey kid, isn’t it time for you to get a job and an apartment and move out, I thought to myself.

A crazy thought, but typical of the new mother’s tunnel vision. A new mom may only have eyes for baby. Older children or a spouse may seem like unwelcome intruders. That emotional state is generally temporary, but these are very powerful biological impulses.

A husband ought to be very, very cautious about trying to get a wife who is disgusted by sex to have sex with him. Maybe work up to it slowly?

 

[PaulGH]

I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want to ruin my marriage. I want my husband to be happy, but I also wish he understood what it feels like to really, really not want to have sex. He has no idea and can’t even imagine it. He says I need to fix my sex drive, but I say he should fix his! His ideal frequency is about 3 times per week (okay, it’s every day, but he says he would be really satisfied with 3 days a week), and mine is absolutely NEVER.

Sometimes when I know I have to have sex with my husband I drink a few glasses of wine so that it’s easier to get it over with. Isn’t that awful!?

Any advice?

I don’t think that him telling you to fix your sex drive is a good thing to say. But I don’t think that his drive needs to be fixed either. It sounds to me like his sex drive is very normal for a man.

I don’t know what to tell you, but perhaps this problem may get better with time, as your youngest gets to be 3 or 4 years old, rather than 9 months. Other than that, I think that you both have to be understanding of each other. He needs to give you some space and be understanding of how overwhelmed you are, but you also need to try to find ways to make time for him, even if not as often as he would like. (I think he also needs to be understanding of the times when you do make time for him but don’t enjoy it. He needs to understand that just the fact that you are willing to do something which you have less than no desire to do is a very loving act on your part, and that it is the best he can expect right now.)

Do you live close to either your parents or his parents? If so, I would recommend that you have the grandparents take care of the kids overnight, or preferably for a whole weekend. Then you and your husband take a very relaxing trip without the kids – maybe to a secluded cabin in the mountains, maybe to a nice hotel, or whatever. Just don’t plan to do much on the trip other than relax and be with each other. Maybe then with a break from the kids, you and your husband can reconnect without you feeling so much pressure. And if that works, then try to take a weekend like that every month if you can, or at least as often as you can. (If the youngest is breastfeeding, you might have to take him or her along on the trip, but even that may still be a pretty good break, since you will have only one to take care of for the weekend.)

 

[PaulGH]

For most normal men, a halfway decent or better sex life is 10% of a good marriage so of course it is not everything, after all, it’s only a few times a week, but … but … but too little or no sex is often 90% of a bad marriage.

I would put a little bit higher number than 10% for the good marriage, but otherwise this is very true! I had never thought of it this way, but I think you have really hit the nail on the head.

 

[Xantippe]

(I think he also needs to be understanding of the times when you do make time for him but don’t enjoy it. He needs to understand that just the fact that you are willing to do something which you have less than no desire to do is a very loving act on your part, and that it is the best he can expect right now.)

Yes. The OP is giving what she’s got right now and that’s all that is reasonable to ask of her.

Do you live close to either your parents or his parents? If so, I would recommend that you have the grandparents take care of the kids overnight, or preferably for a whole weekend. Then you and your husband take a very relaxing trip without the kids – maybe to a secluded cabin in the mountains, maybe to a nice hotel, or whatever. Just don’t plan to do much on the trip other than relax and be with each other. Maybe then with a break from the kids, you and your husband can reconnect without you feeling so much pressure. And if that works, then try to take a weekend like that every month if you can, or at least as often as you can. (If the youngest is breastfeeding, you might have to take him or her along on the trip, but even that may still be a pretty good break, since you will have only one to take care of for the weekend.)

I think this might be a good idea for a younger baby or if the baby is a good traveler, but I’ve had some bad experiences trying to travel with a 9-month-old who was very attached to his own bed at home.

 

[PaulGH]

I think this might be a good idea for a younger baby or if the baby is a good traveler, but I’ve had some bad experiences trying to travel with a 9-month-old who was very attached to his own bed at home.

Good point. We haven’t found it very difficult to travel with kids under one year old, but every kid is different. And a kid who is crawling or walking is definitely more work than one who is still stationary.

In that case, maybe a relaxing night at home with three of the kids staying overnight at grandma and grandpa’s house would help. They could order some take-out food, watch a movie, and just spend some time together.

 

[Xantippe]

Good point. We haven’t found it very difficult to travel with kids under one year old, but every kid is different. And a kid who is crawling or walking is definitely more work than one who is still stationary.

In that case, maybe a relaxing night at home with three of the kids staying overnight at grandma and grandpa’s house would help. They could order some take-out food, watch a movie, and just spend some time together.

Very good idea!

 

[Avocadomom]

LOL you say 3 under 6 like that is a lot… For some of us it is the norm.

How is that helpful, other than to satisfy a need to brag about how speedily one has reproduced?

The “winking” icon at the end doesn’t diminish the smug content of the comment.

Three children in under six years is pretty rapid baby-making, whether that is the “norm” for you, or not.

 

[manualman]

I think we could teach men more about this and try to get them to understand that sex is not everything in a marriage. Now, I don’t know if giving you a couple of days to yourself, as in a retreat or little vacation would help, but I have heard some suggest it.

I’m not sure what in the OP’s post gave you the impression that the OP’s husband feels that sex is “everything” in marriage. On the contrary, she’s affirmed him significantly in the other areas of their marriage.

Absolutely, men have to recognize the overwhelming nature of infant care and it’s effects on a wife’s capacity for further physical touch affection after a long day. But relationships are TWO way streets, eh?

If there’s a problem indicated in the post, it doesn’t seem to be that the man sees sex as “everything” in marriage. It’s that the wife sees it as NOTHING in the marriage. Read it again and see for yourself.

Some have alluded to making some “you” time. That’s how he can help the most. Dad gets home from work, baby gets fed then Mom heads off to Starbuck’s (they got decaf, no?) with a book for an hour and a half. Nobody touches you, nobody cries or comes whining to you. Just escape into a book world for a precious hour and a half (assuming baby nurses every couple hours).