The real truth about my sex life - HELP

[mommamaree]

This is awesome! I think I may suggest this to DH…great idea.

Also, I love your take on sex being not about giving always, but also about receiving. That’s the way I see it. I do need some space to get into that mindset, though. If I have spitup in my hair, some sort of unidentifiable green substance on my sleeve, and have been wrangling a clingy, fussy baby all day, that’s not a switch I can flip until I’ve had a bit of breathing room. For me, the best way to handle it is to tell DH, “I’m grabbing a shower. There’s a bottle of wine in the cupboard. Why don’t you chill it in the fridge for twenty minutes, and then pour a couple of glasses and meet me in the bedroom?” That gives me time to have a relaxing shower, primp for a minute or two, and go from “mama” mode to “wife” mode.

OP, I’m guessing from the timing that the answer to this is probably “no,” but have you had a break between kids that’s at least 6-12 months of regular cycles and not nursing? The reason I ask is that if you’ve been either nursing, pregnant, or recovering from one of the two ever since kid #1 was born, that may be a HUGE part of why it’s been this long since you enjoyed things.

Yes, this is an important point, too. I switched to evening showers years ago for this very reason. And I have been pregnant and/or nursing (including the pregnancies I ended up miscarrying) for almost the entirety of the last decade. It is really HARD sometimes. In fact, for the last five years, I have had no breaks whatsoever. I have been nursing one young toddler when her sibling has been conceived, and nursing continues through the pregnancy until the born baby decides she wants to wean and I get a couple months before new baby is born. Oh. My.

Which is why I stress how much a wife NEEDS the kind of loving that only her husband can give her. After a day of wiping bottoms and drying tears and cuddling and cooking and reading and cleaning and teaching, I am desperate to have someone who can tenderly care for me for a change. And it makes it so much easier to relax into married love when a wife knows that simply surrendering to her husband’s love is enough to send him over the moon. Of course, this all does mean that the husband needs to adjust his expectations, too. He can’t be expecting his tired lady to behave the same way she did prior to having babies. After all, there must be a reasonable expectation of privacy, time, and opportunity, all of which are is short supply for parents with children at home. But with a reasonable idea of what to anticipate and a willingness to be tender and slow with his wife, I bet many husband would be delighted with the opportunities and the response.
And funnily enough, this echoes what the saints have written about married love. Far from being pie in the sky nonsense, their advice is really helpful.

Oh, and I just remembered that I always like to recommend this in these sorts of threads now.
The Way Of The Lord Jesus, by Germaine Grisez
twolj.org
It is a three-volume work of theology and in one volume, he has written extensively on marriage and married love.
Of course, Theology of the Body has many beautiful and inspiring explanations of married love.
St. Alphonsus Liguori has written on married love, as has St. Thomas Aquinas.
The Catholic Education Resource Center online has many wonderful atricles, too.
All of this is available online for free. In rooting out the cultural lies and the divisive fears that were plaguing my thoughts, reading these works have been of tremendous value to me and my marriage. It is like retraining the mind. It really works, and for a tired mom in crisis, it was a lifesaver.
Anyway, I have spent enough time on CAF today. I need to get back to work. I just really felt compelled to reach out and share the things that the Holy Spirit has shown and taught me, in hopes that the sweet mom who started this thread, and any other tired ladies reading, might be helped too. God wants us to be happy in our marriages, and to be able to enjoy all the wonderful ways that our husbands are His gifts to us.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hoosier Daddy,

What the OP is experiencing is totally within the range of normal female experience. The skin crawling, disgust and revulsion at physical contact or the thought of intercourse is a pretty normal phenomenon in a woman who still has a nursing infant and whose cycles haven’t returned. It’s not necessarily pathological. Women just aren’t supposed to bounce back immediately from having a baby to getting pregnant again, which is why these phenomena exist.

I know the OP wants to keep nursing another three months, but it seems a very high price to pay. Perhaps she should ask her husband how he feels about continuing to nurse to one year versus weaning to formula.

It might be a good idea to see an OB/GYN about this, but I strongly suspect the OB/GYN is just going to say, “Yeah, a lot of women feel like that. It usually goes away. Come back if it doesn’t.”

I can’t overemphasize how common this particular phenomenon is.

“It’s normal to have a decreased sex drive after giving birth. This feeling can last for months. In one study of postpartum women, 20 percent had little or no desire for sex three months after delivery, and another 21 percent had a complete loss of desire or aversion to sexual activity.”

babycenter.com/404_is-it-normal-not-to-want-sex-after-having-a-baby_11804.bc

I don’t think it is a normal experience. Yes, there can be a decreased sex drive but the OP goes father than that. Describing repulsion, rejection of her husband and even threw in a “rape” into her post. I think this goes beyond the norm. In my years as an NFP instructor I have seen couples struggle with intimacy after a child. But not in the way the OP describes. I agree with you that help needs to be sought. But I disagree with dismissing OB’s as being ill equipped to handle it. Quality medical care is always at a premium and it does not accomplish much to suggest that an OB will shue her away with the flick of a wrist.

 

[Avocadomom]

I am sorry you took offense to it though it was not directed at you.

In my area, 3 under six really is the norm. Not “a lot” or speedy reproduction, or “rapid baby making” all of which are rather crude terms anyway. We have been blessed by God to have 5 children. We do not see it as baby making, or speedy reproduction. Just a blessing of a human life that God entrusted us with.

If you found that post somehow something you need to attack or defend then I am sorry, that is not how it was meant. But it is the “norm” in these parts. I am sorry it is not the norm everywhere.

Your comment was simply unnecessary and implied a sense of superiority because you have had your children close together.

Replying to someone’s post (which was clearly not a joke) with LOL is pretty rude and smug.

I have plenty of kids (four and one on the way), have never used any method of spacing, and all were born more than 2 years apart - naturally. It is not the “norm” for me or for many women. You don’t have to be “sorry” it’s not. And you don’t have to smugly imply that more kids = better.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Your comment was simply unnecessary and implied a sense of superiority because you have had your children close together.

Replying to someone’s post (which was clearly not a joke) with LOL is pretty rude and smug.

I have plenty of kids (four and one on the way), have never used any method of spacing, and all were born more than 2 years apart - naturally. It is not the “norm” for me or for many women. You don’t have to be “sorry” it’s not. And you don’t have to smugly imply that more kids = better.

you have no need to defend yourself to me. I consider the matter resolved. I am sorry you took it that way and I expect the moderators to correct me if I need it.

Best to just walk away… I probably should have known better and stay out of this thread. it has a pretty emotional recipe.

I apologize if you took offense. I did not mean it how you apparently took it. I have not heard from the actual person the comment was directed to so perhaps we can just move on.

Please stop calling me rude and smug. I am neither.

Again, 3 under 6 is not abnormal. that was my point.

 

[Lookingforjoy]

I apologize if you took offense. I did not mean it how you apparently took it. I have not heard from the actual person the comment was directed to so perhaps we can just move on.
.

At the risk of making this thread about myself, I am the person you directed your comment to and I appreciate your apology. It did sting. And thanks to those who spoke up on my behalf

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

At the risk of making this thread about myself, I am the person you directed your comment to and I appreciate your apology. It did sting. And thanks to those who spoke up on my behalf

I am sorry it was a stinger. It was not meant that way.

I was thinking of this issue today and looked up and down my suburban block. about 20 houses. About 10 of which have kids. 7 of which have at least three kids within 6 years of each other. While life can seem overwhelming with any number of kids sometimes it is good not to think of ourselves as some sort of freak families that endure unbearable hardships and to recognize that we are not alone. That was my point. It is normal. And in fact a better and less stressful situation than many people. In low income areas many women have many babies with many fathers who are not in the picture. It could be worse. And I have always enjoyed that my kids were close in ages. Most of our friends also have children close together. We have had 2 under 2, and 3 under 4. and 4 under 7. But some of our friends have had 3 under 3. 2 under one (no twins) and 8 under 10 (twins) My point was actually meant to be comforting. That large families with young kids are not the freak shows we are portrayed as sometimes and that it is good to look outside of our stresses and realize what we are doing is not so hard after all. But, it is sure an emotional issue on CAF anytime family size is mentioned. Especially on these here estrogen threads.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t think it is a normal experience. Yes, there can be a decreased sex drive but the OP goes father than that. Describing repulsion, rejection of her husband and even threw in a “rape” into her post. I think this goes beyond the norm. In my years as an NFP instructor I have seen couples struggle with intimacy after a child. But not in the way the OP describes. I agree with you that help needs to be sought. But I disagree with dismissing OB’s as being ill equipped to handle it. Quality medical care is always at a premium and it does not accomplish much to suggest that an OB will shue her away with the flick of a wrist.

“Rape” is how her husband describes having sex with her when she isn’t into it. That’s his hangup, not hers.

I think that as a guy, you don’t understand how normal the OP’s feelings are for a woman in her situation (9 months postpartum). I’ve been through this at least once myself, and her language is pretty much exactly how I felt at the time–squicked out, turned off and nauseated by the whole thing.

The OP needs some down time, a break from pregnant-breastfeed-pregnant-breastfeed-pregnant-breastfeed-pregnant-breastfeed. If she can get a break, I predict a miraculous recovery within the next 12-18 months. That’s probably the best prescription for her situation. There’s not necessarily anything wrong with the OP (although depression is a possibility)–her body is probably just functioning in the normal way, where female desire tends to closely accompany ovulation, and when there is no ovulation, there’s little or no desire.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Yes.

Honestly, does it really make sense for a breastfeeding woman with a 9-month-old baby to be having lots of sex? Without cycles, there likely isn’t the sort of hormonal activity going on that would make sex interesting and enjoyable for you.

Wait… it’s normal to go 9 months after birth before resuming sex, and considering your husband revolting during all that time? Geez, can’t wait.
Longing Soul:

Exactly! I’m surprised every time by my hostile reaction to men who want their wives to be as enthusiastic as a childless filly everytime he wants sex. To say that it feels like he is ‘raping’ her if she doesn’t give him the premium performance is disgraceful manipulation. No wonder young women feel so pressured into putting out for men before marriage. My daughter was lamenting recently that if you don’t put out you won’t get a boyfriend and she doesn’t want to put out and is sadly prepared to wait for the very rare respectful fish in the ocean … if any are left in existence.

Really? It’s disgraceful that he would like his wife to enjoy having sex with him? Come on now.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Any advice?

I went through and pulled out things that are not “normal” as some have described it. Some of them when taken out of the post and seen by themselves are kind of scary.

I honestly feel like I would be happy NEVER to have sex again. My husband touching me makes my skin crawl. Not because he is a gross person, but because I know what he wants.

Skin crawl when your spouse touches you? “knows what he wants.” Yikes

He does not like feeling that he is “raping” me when I am not enjoying the sex. He wants me to like it. I can’t. I try. I do try to act and pretend for his sake. But he sees right through the falseness, and then feels like he is using my body to masturbate himself.

This paints an emotional painful experience for all involved and that the “r” word is used here implies that there is something really wrong with this.

Seriously, I do not ever, ever want sex.

A sad component of this marriage is this statement. Not only because it is what married people should be able to do, but also because it affects another person as well.

I just CRINGE. I want to scream at him to stop needing me to give even more of myself when I feel I have zero to give. He says I am cold and that my turning him down hurts him. He does not understand how a person does not want sex…ever.

Here again we have cringe in all caps, so it was chosen and highlighted for a reason. Also the permanence of never wanting sex. EVER. And even some blame to him because he does not understand how she detests being unitive with her husband. This is unbelievably painful and emotionally damaging for a man. ANd he knows this. She states he knows.

He says I need to fix my sex drive, but I say he should fix his! His ideal frequency is about 3 times per week (okay, it’s every day, but he says he would be really satisfied with 3 days a week),

The person with no sex drive at all thinks the man who would like 3 times a week needs to “fix” his drive? That will make him feel like you think he is an animal for wanting his wife.

Sometimes when I know I have to have sex with my husband I drink a few glasses of wine so that it’s easier to get it over with. Isn’t that awful!?

yes, it is awful. And I will tell you why. As another poster put it. A glass of wine can be used quite appropriately to get in the mood. SEVERAL? As in more than two or three just to “get it over with” is inebriating one’s self. Essentially drugging one’s self to have sex. This is also as uncomfortable as the “r” word used earlier.

OP I did not intend to post on this thread so bluntly because anyone can see that you are hurting and in need of help. But as this thread went on and the “normal” word was being thrown around or the idea that many women feel as you do seemed alarming to me. I do not intend to cause pain or to be insensitive. But there is a family and a marriage and lives at stake here. Please, please try to get some professional help. Ideally both of you could, but even if your husband is not open to it, please seek some sort of counseling or medical advice.

I am not equipped, nor is anyone on this thread, to help you. But I can tell you that if one just posted.

Husband feels like he is raping me
I have to take mind altering drugs to just make it through
I never want sex
I cringe and get sick at the thought of the marital embrace with my husband

Those four things are serious serious issues.

There could be a history of sexual problems or not. But there is something broken here.

I am praying for your family.

Good luck.

 

[Rau]

Busymom, I should think that while your current outlook persists, you have compelling reasons to avoid/defer more children. I assume your current NFP practice includes perhaps 10 days a month of no sex, and 10-14 days available for sex (4-6 encounters max per month.)

I assume your husband copes admirably, but for your lack of interest which upsets him, but which he needs to make an effort to understand.

I assume you have in the past desired sex, and enjoyed it fully?

What is the longest period in your marriage that your husband went without sex? Did he survive? Yes? Good!

Make a plan for the next 12 months, including not becoming pregnant. Then reassess. If you continue to feel just the same, I would think some medical review would be in order.

 

[LongingSoul]

Hoosierdaddy, your attitude to me is really shocking. I don’t think your marriage would survive a period of enforced abstinence. When a women hits menopause especially… she is advised to wait 12 months to ensure no continuing ovulation if she wants to be sure not to end up with a brand new baby in her 50’s. NFP by its nature involves incorporating abstinence as a way of life the practice of which is spiritual and unitive at a whole different level. It’s ridiculous and insulting to us mere mortals who do NFP, to say… “And even some blame to him because he does not understand how she detests being unitive with her husband.”

You’ve got some growing up to deal methinks.

 

[UbiCaritas]

HD, while I agree that there might be something else going on here, I don’t know for sure there is. At the very least, it wouldn’t hurt the OP to get her to a good OB and ask for a checkup and some bloodwork, more information always being a good thing.

Again, though, let me mention that hormones can do really weird things to a woman’s sex drive. When I was 2 or 3 months pregnant, I, who generally have a higher drive than my husband, didn’t want him anywhere near me if sex might happen because I was so physically ill at the thought of it. I’m not talking morning sickness–I’m talking a completely visceral feeling of utter repulsion at the thought of sex. It had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with the hormonal stew I was sitting in. If DH had asked for sex, I’d have had it and I certainly wouldn’t have held it against him for asking because, well, we’re married, and I love him, and just because my desire didn’t match his at the time was no reason to not have sex right then. I was lucky in that he was on a month-long business trip in the middle of all this , so it didn’t really affect us too much, but had he asked for sex we would have had it with no hard feelings on my part. I wouldn’t have enjoyed it in the least and would have wanted it done with ASAP. Things got back to normal in a month or two, which is why I suggested to the OP giving herself 6-12 months of normal cycles and no pregnancy or breastfeeding.

Let me repeat for emphasis: my DH and I had no issues in our marriage and nothing that would make me not want to have sex with him except that my hormones were a complete mess, and my reaction was much the same as the OPs. Had it gone on longer than a couple of months–for oh, say, five or more years of being in that hormonal stew–I could entirely see myself doing as the OP does with wine and so on. It isn’t ideal and shouldn’t be the case, but five or more years of feeling like that every time we had sex would probably have me more than a bit traumatized about it. I am not in the least convinced it would be much different for most women.

Veritas, at the risk of derailing this thread, no, not all women react this way. Some do, though. Some women aren’t very interested in sex except around ovulation–we’re biological that way, continuation of the species and whatnot. Which is why it’s so important for a) our husbands to be aware of what our hormones are doing and how they effect us and b) plan accordingly for certain activities–it takes more time for some of us to get interested at other times of the month. That’s also why it’s important for us to remember our hormones, and if they affect us strongly in those ways, make an effort sometimes even if we’re not as into it. Like most of marriage, it’s all about balance and each partner making a little extra effort.

 

[PaulinVA]

I totally understand the OP, because I have read it here many times, and I have some personal experience (four kids) as well.

I totally get the idea that there are little kids wanting a piece of you all day long (especially if you are nursing) and once they go to bed, you want to be alone. Or at least not spend time with yet another person who wants a piece of you. It almost seems like a universal problem. It is normal.

On the other hand, it’s just as disconcerting as the husband to be dealing with problems all day long at work and when you get home you are greeted at the door by a wife who has been thinking about various things all day long and immediately sits you down and all manner of ideas and problems and plans come spilling out when all you want to do is empty your mind and rest a little before you jump into the fray.

Marriage is a merging of two people into one. It’s developing a line a of thinking that the other person is more important than you. There is a solution to these problems if you look for it. In many cases, husbands and wives just need insight into each other, and, frankly, be able to empathize a little.

 

[Xantippe]

Wait… it’s normal to go 9 months after birth before resuming sex, and considering your husband revolting during all that time? Geez, can’t wait.

**Read the OP:

“His sex drive is pretty high and he believes that sex is absolutely integral to a healthy marriage. He does not like feeling that he is “raping” me when I am not enjoying the sex. He wants me to like it. I can’t. I try. I do try to act and pretend for his sake. But he sees right through the falseness, and then feels like he is using my body to masturbate himself. How can I make myself want something that seems so off-putting? I just want to go to bed. Or read a magazine. Or take a bath. For years. Seriously, I do not ever, ever want sex. I don’t want to be pregnant (neither does he), and I just want my body left alone for a while.”

The OP is having sex with her husband, she has been trying to pretend she is enjoying herself, and her husband can see that she isn’t.**

Really? It’s disgraceful that he would like his wife to enjoy having sex with him? Come on now.

It is setting the bar pretty high for him to expect her to have 100% control of her feelings. It’s putting just one more thing on her already full plate. People can control what they do, more or less, but they don’t have total control over their feelings.

I think the OP’s husband needs to manage his expectations. Maybe he’d get better results if the OP weren’t pregnant and breastfeeding all the time? Just a thought.

 

[Xantippe]

Wait… it’s normal to go 9 months after birth before resuming sex, and considering your husband revolting during all that time? Geez, can’t wait.

Here’s a different response.

Yes, it is normal for one’s sex life to be temporarily discombobulated for the first year or so postpartum. (With NFP, there’s the special difficulty that breastfeeding NFP can be pretty dicey, so you may have to either risk a quick repeat pregnancy or do some major abstinence.) If you are a single guy or a childless married guy, yeah, that’s how it often works. Married life isn’t some sort of endless sexapalooza–there are going to be privations and sacrifices involves. Pick up a book or the internet and read about the medical and psychological issues.

If you are a woman, don’t worry–you won’t miss it at all. But make sure to warn your husband.

 

[Xantippe]

Hoosier Daddy,

Listen to the womenfolk–the skin crawling, total revulsion at the idea of being touched at all by one’s husband is well within the bounds of normal postpartum experience.

I think your NFP teaching experiences may have led to to think that you were being given full information, whereas it’s quite likely that some of the women were sugar-coating their feelings in order not to hurt their husbands, permanently damage their marriages, or to not to sound like some sort of unloving, asexual freak to you. It’s very likely that if you heard women saying, “I don’t feel up to it,” or “I feel tired,” or similar, that’s sometimes wifese for, “The thought of having sex nauseates me and fills me with dread.” “Good wives” aren’t supposed to have these feelings, so as a guy, you’re not going to hear about it in real life.

When the OP said that she never, never wants sex, you reply, “A sad component of this marriage is this statement. Not only because it is what married people should be able to do, but also because it affects another person as well.” I would encourage you to think about the fact that when we have feelings, it often feels like “always” or “never,” even though the feelings themselves may be quite temporary. When I’m full of dinner, I can’t imagine wanting more food. When I’m in pain, I can’t imagine being comfortable, etc. If I’m depressed, I can’t imagine ever being happy. The fact that she feels that she never wants to have sex just shows that she is having strong emotions now–I would not hang any special importance on it. If she gets a year off from breastfeeding and pregnancy, she could easily go from “Oh no!” to “Come here, big boy!” well within the course of a single calendar year. (I’ve certainly done it myself more than once.) As it is, she hasn’t had the opportunity to experience normal, non-hormonal life since she was a newlywed.

She can see a doctor, but I guarantee that the doctor is going to say, you’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding for the past 9 years, of course you don’t feel like having sex. Why should you? That’s like saying, “Doctor, I’ve got a metal spike in my leg. Could you give me something for the pain?” Your doctor is going to point out that we’d better do something about the metal spike, rather than just treating symptoms.

The OP needs a break.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Here’s a different response.

Yes, it is normal for one’s sex life to be temporarily discombobulated for the first year or so postpartum. (With NFP, there’s the special difficulty that breastfeeding NFP can be pretty dicey, so you may have to either risk a quick repeat pregnancy or do some major abstinence.) If you are a single guy or a childless married guy, yeah, that’s how it often works. Married life isn’t some sort of endless sexapalooza–there are going to be privations and sacrifices involves. Pick up a book or the internet and read about the medical and psychological issues.

If you are a woman, don’t worry–you won’t miss it at all. But make sure to warn your husband.

Well, I’m a married childless man. And trust me, I know darn well that married life isn’t an “endless sexapalooza” as you put it. I also understand that should my wife suffer some unusual disability in the future, that sex would not be a part of our lives at all.

That said, yes, the thought that my wife will find me sexually revolting and get creeped out whenever I try to touch her in such a way for an entire year does worry me. Frankly, it would worry me more if I didn’t feel that way. What the heck kind of husband would I be if that didn’t worry me?

Also, while I have no doubt that the OP’s feelings are genuine and deserve to be taken into full account, I’m not going to discount the husband’s feelings either. You talk about how normal this is—I’ll remind you that it’s also normal for a husband to feel hurt by 9 months of physical rejection, whether there’s a good reason for that or not.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hoosierdaddy, your attitude to me is really shocking. I don’t think your marriage would survive a period of enforced abstinence. When a women hits menopause especially… she is advised to wait 12 months to ensure no continuing ovulation if she wants to be sure not to end up with a brand new baby in her 50’s. NFP by its nature involves incorporating abstinence as a way of life the practice of which is spiritual and unitive at a whole different level. It’s ridiculous and insulting to us mere mortals who do NFP, to say… “And even some blame to him because he does not understand how she detests being unitive with her husband.”

You’ve got some growing up to deal methinks.

I’m out.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Hoosierdaddy, your attitude to me is really shocking. I don’t think your marriage would survive a period of enforced abstinence. When a women hits menopause especially… she is advised to wait 12 months to ensure no continuing ovulation if she wants to be sure not to end up with a brand new baby in her 50’s. NFP by its nature involves incorporating abstinence as a way of life the practice of which is spiritual and unitive at a whole different level. It’s ridiculous and insulting to us mere mortals who do NFP, to say… “And even some blame to him because he does not understand how she detests being unitive with her husband.”

You’ve got some growing up to deal methinks.

Now you’re passing judgement on the state of his marriage? Who the heck are you to say what his marriage would or wouldn’t survive? Did he say that he just couldn’t go without sex for a year, or did he just make it clear that she needed to do whatever it took to get over these feelings for the sake of her husband and marriage? It was definitely the latter.

And you know what, if my husband started to feel repulsed by me, I would expect him to work with me to do whatever it took to fix it. I’ll go a year without sex if there’s a reason that we have to. I will not go a year being resented for wanting intimacy with my husband while he finds me repulsive and doesn’t do anything to rectify it. We owe it to our spouses to do whatever we can for them.

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

Well, I’m a married childless man. And trust me, I know darn well that married life isn’t an “endless sexapalooza” as you put it. I also understand that should my wife suffer some unusual disability in the future, that sex would not be a part of our lives at all.

That said, yes, the thought that my wife will find me sexually revolting and get creeped out whenever I try to touch her in such a way for an entire year does worry me. Frankly, it would worry me more if I didn’t feel that way. What the heck kind of husband would I be if that didn’t worry me?

Also, while I have no doubt that the OP’s feelings are genuine and deserve to be taken into full account, I’m not going to discount ?the husband’s feelings either. You talk about how normal this is—I’ll remind you that it’s also normal for a husband to feel hurt by 9 months of physical rejection, whether there’s a good reason for that or not.

I’m a mom of three. I’ll be married for 17 years.

The postpartum periods had some slowing down of relations, especially during very early infancy, the first few months.

I don’t think I’m rare. I never felt repulsed by my husband. When we needed to abstain it’ s always been a sense of sadness on my part, not " yay we’re abstaining, sex is overrated anyway". I was able to even learn NFP during breastfeeding. I made sure to address why our available days were hard to identify, so I could make sure to be available.

I remember once hearing marital advice from an older married woman. It was a metaphor for sex. If your husband offered you a piece of chocolate cake, wouldn’t you try a little piece just to make him happy? And once you tried the little.piece if chocolate cake couldn’t you like it and have some more?

I don’t know if the op has any physical issues or psycholgical issues. But in my opinion, she should address them with: doctors, therapists etc.

Marriage isn’t a “sexapalooza” (interesting term BTW). But sexual relations are a beautiful privilege of married life. I can understand if there are issues. But the wife with her husband need to address them, and not justify them as being normal.