The real truth about my sex life - HELP

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Sophie_Lawrence said:
I’m a mom of three. I’ll be married for 17 years.

The postpartum periods had some slowing down of relations, especially during very early infancy, the first few months.

I don’t think I’m rare. I never felt repulsed by my husband. When we needed to abstain it’ s always been a sense of sadness on my part, not " yay we’re abstaining, sex is overrated anyway". I was able to even learn NFP during breastfeeding. I made sure to address why our available days were hard to identify, so I could make sure to be available.

I remember once hearing marital advice from an older married woman. It was a metaphor for sex. If your husband offered you a piece of chocolate cake, wouldn’t you try a little piece just to make him happy? And once you tried the little.piece if chocolate cake couldn’t you like it and have some more?

I don’t know if the op has any physical issues or psycholgical issues. But in my opinion, she should address them with: doctors, therapists etc.

Marriage isn’t a “sexapalooza” (interesting term BTW). But sexual relations are a beautiful privilege of married life. I can understand if there are issues. But the wife with her husband need to address them, and not justify them as being normal.
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The OP has talked to her doctor and the doctor says she should feel better when her youngest is a preschooler.

Also, she has been having the whole chocolate cake, and it makes her feel bad.
 
Last year, right around the time our youngest was 9 months old and eating lots of solids, breastfeeding NFP started being particularly challenging–it felt like something was just about to happen fertility-wise. I offered my husband early weaning. He said no, thanks, and we did total abstinence for five months, by which time I had reset and was finally having normal cycles and life resumed as normal. Ob la di ob la da, etc.

Of course, we are somewhat older people (very late 30s/early 40s). I expect we would have found all that abstinence much harder when younger.

OP, bear in mind that nursing for a year, while a wonderful thing, is not The Law. If you offer your husband the choice between you weaning and continuing to breastfeed, he’ll feel like he has more control over the situation, even if what he actually chooses is for you to keep nursing.

Good luck!
 
Babies turn into preschoolers at about age 4.

That is such a long time to have to suffer through sexual dysfunction.:(. It isn’t only the husband’s needs, it can’t be normal for her to have low libido and revulsion.

Perhaps another doctor might be consulted. I can’t imagine a man being told “just wait and maybe you’ll have a libido that you haven’t had in years.”. There could be health issues not being addressed.
 
Sophie_Lawrence said:
Babies turn into preschoolers at about age 4.

**The OP’s doctor said 3 or 4.

I actually think that that’s probably the outside. I would expect the OP to be feeling MUCH better by the time her youngest is 2, as long as she hasn’t gotten pregnant again by then.**

That is such a long time to have to suffer through sexual dysfunction.:(. It isn’t only the husband’s needs, it can’t be normal for her to have low libido and revulsion.

**It is a normal and expected consequence of hormonal disruption, even if you haven’t personally experienced it yet.

**

Perhaps another doctor might be consulted. I can’t imagine a man being told “just wait and maybe you’ll have a libido that you haven’t had in years.”. There could be health issues not being addressed.
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Xantippe said:
Of course, we are somewhat older people (very late 30s/early 40s). I expect we would have found all that abstinence much harder when younger.
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That’s a good point. There is a calmness about things as you age. It’s strangely fulfilling to have a cup of tea in front of a good telly mystery after dinner and just fall asleep most nights.
 
@ Xantippe…

I’m perimenopausal and take progesterone. I also have had PCOS that didn’t get actually diagnosed because I didn’t have all the symptom (not overweight or diabetic)

But I’m not convinced chronic sexual dysfunction that has lasted years should be seen as “normal” and have a “wait a couple years an you’ll feel better” diagnosis. No man would get that from a doctor, yet women do.
 
Sophie_Lawrence said:
@ Xantippe…

I’m perimenopausal and take progesterone. I also have had PCOS that didn’t get actually diagnosed because I didn’t have all the symptom (not overweight or diabetic)

But I’m not convinced chronic sexual dysfunction that has lasted years should be seen as “normal” and have a “wait a couple years an you’ll feel better” diagnosis. No man would get that from a doctor, yet women do.
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I don’t think the issue is one of being years long. Busymom did express being happy to never have sex again, but don’t we all say stuff like that in the midst of angst. I’ve said things to my kids like “I wish I’d joined the convent” and if I become pregnant again I’ll throw myself off the highest bridge. (I’m 52 and would find it very hard to have a newborn now).

Long term sexual disfunction should be treated medically but that isn’t what’s happening here.
 
Sophie_Lawrence said:
@ Xantippe…

I’m perimenopausal and take progesterone. I also have had PCOS that didn’t get actually diagnosed because I didn’t have all the symptom (not overweight or diabetic)

But I’m not convinced chronic sexual dysfunction that has lasted years should be seen as “normal” and have a “wait a couple years an you’ll feel better” diagnosis. No man would get that from a doctor, yet women do.
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This is why I suggested the OP go to the doctor (which she evidently has). It can’t possibly hurt to get a checkup and make sure that everything is, indeed, normal.

At the same time, no man would ordinarily get that from a doctor, no. If he were on a necessary medication that significantly reduced his testosterone levels, though (say, some of the cholesterol and blood pressure meds out there, for example) his doctor would say that that was a not-uncommon side effect of such medication, and either try a different prescription or prescribe Viagra. The equivalent in the OP’s case would be to stop nursing and avoid pregnancy for the time being, thus changing the “medication” that is messing with her hormones. I don’t believe that there is a Viagra equivalent for women (ovulation aside 😛 ), though I am not a medical professional and could be entirely wrong about that.

OP, it does sound as though that kind of vacation would be ideal for you, but if, as many of us can’t, you can’t manage it right now, would it be possible once you’ve stopped weaning to take at least a long weekend? I think you might be spot-on in your estimation that these issues may have originally been relatively minor, if quite unpleasant, but that the constant pressure to feel something you don’t couple with the frequency may have contributed to the way things are now. A break, as another poster described, might not be a bad idea either, but of course that’s between you and your DH.
 
Actually when I was in graduate school I made some extra money by participating in a research study for a medication that was supposed to increase libido in women (it had been designed for something else, then they discovered that fun side effect).

I have no idea what has happened since my participation ended. I have yet to see any of those annoying three-minute-long medical commercials that depict happy people doing unrelated things while a calm voice tells you all the horrific side effects.
 
BusyMom30 said:
Okay, I totally get I need to figure out why I don’t want to have sex with my husband, who is by and large a very good, helpful and hardworking man. Believe me, I am trying to figure it out.

I am just not sure I need a theologian, philosopher, or a canon lawyer! I don’t even know what I would tell any of those people?

I’ve been to my OB for my annual, and mentioned to her that my sex drive is very low. She said, “Well, you have all those kids, you’re tired, you’re busy, you’re run ragged.” She said that there was nothing physically wrong with me, but that during breastfeeding estrogen is very low, the vaginal tissues atrophy, and the libido decreases. Add that to the normal stress and drudgery of raising a bunch of little kids… She did not think there was anything profoundly “wrong.” She said once my littlest is 3 or 4, and more self-sufficient and less trouble, I would feel better.

And while I do enjoy a massage, a dinner out, a manicure - I’m not sure what I need is an hour or two of relaxation. I feel like I need a couple of weeks to relax on a beach without ANY obligations!
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Did you tell the OB about the skin crawling, the revulsion you feel toward sex, the view that you never want it again? Or just that your libidos is low?
 
LongingSoul said:
Wine?
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Nope. As a husband of some years, to a wonderful woman with whom we raised three boys (who are 5 years apart in age, so we too had our years of feeling overwhelmed), I can honestly say that “Viagra” for women, is helping her with the housework. Nothing will please her more than going out to do the shopping and coming home to find the vacuuming done, the bathroom cleaned and a load of laundry hanging to dry 😛
 
OraLabora said:
Nope. As a husband of some years, to a wonderful woman with whom we raised three boys (who are 5 years apart in age, so we too had our years of feeling overwhelmed), I can honestly say that “Viagra” for women, is helping her with the housework. Nothing will please her more than going out to do the shopping and coming home to find the vacuuming done, the bathroom cleaned and a load of laundry hanging to dry 😛
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THIS!

However, I will add if he does all this and throws in the vino as a bonus I wouldn’t care where in my cycle I was!

Hubby and I are taking a sabbatical on having another kiddo so I would actually discourage this behavior!
 
Kelfa28 said:
THIS!

However, I will add if he does all this and throws in the vino as a bonus I wouldn’t care where in my cycle I was!

Hubby and I are taking a sabbatical on having another kiddo so I would actually discourage this behavior!
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Wait–I thought we weren’t supposed to post porn on CAF? 😛 Ah, well, since it’s been permitted thus far, I’ll add to the above scenario: also, the kids have been fed/brushed/bathed/pottied and put to bed. 😃
 
The OP has generally described her husband as a good husband and father (other than the fact the he makes her skin crawl). I don’t think extra chores are the answer here. A bit of help/babysitting so the couple can have time to themselves might be helpful though.

So far we have pages of debate and - rightly so - people can see this from both sides.

Yes, I think a low libido is natural post-partum. No, I don’t think what the OP describes is natural (skin crawling, never wanting sex ever again, etc).

Yes, I think husbands should expect and adapt to the need for periods of abstinence in marriage. No, I do no think that should go on for years (eg until the youngest is pre-school age).

I don’t have any concrete suggestions to offer (a skilled counsellor would be better at steering this), but I don’t see any suggestion at either extreme (complete abstinence for years or just suck it up and let husband have his way) as a workable solution.
 
underacloud said:
I don’t have any concrete suggestions to offer (a skilled counsellor would be better at steering this), but I don’t see any suggestion at either extreme (complete abstinence for years or just suck it up and let husband have his way) as a workable solution.
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The husband doesn’t even want “his way.” What he wants is for his wife to enjoy making love.
 
underacloud said:
I don’t have any concrete suggestions to offer (a skilled counsellor would be better at steering this), but I don’t see any suggestion at either extreme (complete abstinence for years or just suck it up and let husband have his way) as a workable solution.
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I don’t think anybody has suggested complete abstinence for years as an option.
 
Xantippe said:
The husband doesn’t even want “his way.” What he wants is for his wife to enjoy making love.
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Yes, which is precisely why just letting him have “his way” is not a solution, as I said.

My point being that the long term intimacy (physical and emotional) of the marriage may be diminished if either:
a) they stop having sex for a long period of time, or
b) they continue to have sex but it’s clear to them both that it’s no fun for her.

They need to work towards this being enjoyable for her again, with the help perhaps of a counsellor and a doctor - noting she has talked to her doctor, but it didn’t seem to acheive much; perhaps another opinion is needed. I think waiting until baby is a preschooler risks damaging the intimacy of relationship, and this should be addressed as an ongoing concern, not something to look at again in a couple of years.
 
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