The Robot

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Cure

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Hello all,

I am half-way through my Caticism class, and am truely looking forward to becoming a full-fledged Catholic, but of all the new struggles I will have to deal with…this is one of the most difficult:

As a person who has been devorced, I understand that I can never again love anyone. As a 29 year old, the thought of having to live the rest of my life alone is…well…not a very comforting thought.
I admit that I caused the majority of the pain in my failed marriage…I was a very different person then, with an entirely different mind-set. Before getting into the Catholic faith, I thought that I would be able to take all of the mistakes that I made the first time around, and make myself a better man and a better husband for the next time. Needless to say; that hope was shot down…hard.

So now…due to my past deeds, which I deserve to suffer for…I’m caught up in this extremely difficult struggle with my emotions. I want a second chance, but I know that it’s not possible. In the beginning, I used to see happy couples playing with their children I couldn’t help but to feel a little sadness, envy, and more regret than words could express. But now that I’m deeper into the religion I have felt those emotions began to fade away little by little.

I almost feel as if…I’m becoming less of a human, and more like a robot. I feel that I have to be cold and emotionless, that I have to push women away, because that is the
only way that I can stop myself from develope an emotional attatchment. It is the only way that I can not fall in love with someone.

I sinned. I have to pay the price…and I accept that. But for anyone else who may be in a simular situation…how do you go on living your life like a normal person, knowing that you will have to be alone until the day you die?
 
As a person who has been devorced, I understand that I can never again love anyone. As a 29 year old, the thought of having to live the rest of my life alone is…well…not a very comforting thought.

This doesn’t follow.

As soon as you are received into the Church, ask your priest about a declaration of nullity, aka annulling your previous marriage.
 
My heart aches for you.
But are you sure that annulment isn’t possible? Have you looked into every aspect of what makes a marriage invalid?

I’ll keep you in all my prayers and daily Masses as long as it takes for God to help you in whatever way is possible to give you a deeply rewarding life.

Your sister Trishie
 
Thank you so much for the reply Cluny, but my priest is very “old school”, he says that a second mariage would be an abomination. He won’t do it. He says that marrying again is forbidden by the true Catholic church.

But thanks.
 
Cure said:
Hello all,

I am half-way through my Caticism class, and am truely looking forward to becoming a full-fledged Catholic, but of all the new struggles I will have to deal with…this is one of the most difficult:
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My recommendation would be to file for a declaration of nullity for your marriage. You may or may not receive one, but at least then you would know your status. Perhaps your marriage wasn’t valid – that’s what a tribunal will investigate. If it was not a valid marriage then you could date and look forward to marriage. If it was a valid marriage, then you would know that you are still considered married.
 
No where does it say that you cannot love again after you have been divorced. It’s just difficult to remarry in the Catholic church but even that can be done. It costs some money usually but what’s money besides the root of all evil huh?.. Any way don’t be such a cry baby and get out there and meet some nice women. That’s what I did and now am with a much nicer woman than my x ever was. If I didn’t move on I never would have had all of the wonderful romantic experiences I am having now.
 
Cure said:
Thank you so much for the reply Cluny, but my priest is very “old school”, he says that a second mariage would be an abomination. He won’t do it. He says that marrying again is forbidden by the true Catholic church.

But thanks.
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Your priest is right that Catholics cannot get married a second time, however, you can (and probably should) apply for an annulment. Are you familiar with what an annulment is? (The technical term the Church uses is “declaration of nullity,” but most people refer to it as an “annulment”). In a nutshell, it is a declaration made by the Church after an investigation that no valid marriage ever took place. In the eyes of God, and the eyes of the Church, you would have never truly been married. Thus, you would still be free to marry in the Catholic Church. But not until after you get the official declaration of nullity (which can take over a year depending upon your diocese)

Ask your priest about obtaining an anullment specifically (and I would do it now; there’s no reason to wait to get the ball rolling). If you are experienceing this great turmoil, it is definitely something you owe it to yourself to investigate.

If your priest (for some reason) is not willing to help you, you can contact your diocesan marriage tribunal (which is the next step anyway). They’re the ones who would be handling the anullment proceedings. If you’re having trouble locating the contact info, PM me what diocese you live in and I will find the contact info for you.

You are in my prayers. God bless! :hug1:
 
rsesar said:
No where does it say that you cannot love again after you have been divorced. It’s just difficult to remarry in the Catholic church but even that can be done. It costs some money usually but what’s money besides the root of all evil huh?.. Any way don’t be such a cry baby and get out there and meet some nice women. That’s what I did and now am with a much nicer woman than my x ever was. If I didn’t move on I never would have had all of the wonderful romantic experiences I am having now.
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The only people who get “remarried” in the Catholic Church are those whose spouses have died. If one obtains a declaration of nullity, then the first attempt at marriage is considered invalid. Thus, the second attempt at marriage becomes the first real marriage. Therefore, the person is not getting “remarried”, but really he would be getting married for the first time.

Just to be technical about it. 😉 (I know what you meant, but I just want to clarify for the sake of the OP, since he is just starting out in his Catholic journey.)

There is some cost involved in obtaining an anullment (not an exhorbitant amount), but the amount varies from diocese to diocese. And no diocese I know of will turn someone away who is unable to pay. Just to put the OP’s mind at ease.
 
I thank you all for your advice on this matter…but I feel that the point I originally tried to get across was missed.

My first mariage, though not in the Catholic church was valid. I am not seeking anullment, for I understand and accept that I can’t be married again.

What I was wondering is: For someone like myself, what other options could there be than cutting myself off from people, or trying to condition myself to not care about people to avoid the risk of falling in love?

Is there some sort of…organization where I can develope friendships with those who struggle with the same thing? Is there a different approach to the situation…a different perspective…or mindset?

That’s really what I was wondering.

I can’t be the ONLY person who’s gone through this, surely someone can relate.
 
My dear friend

I never married and am not called to marriage but I sympathise with you. I’m very happy being single and life is not a bed of roses but I’m having a good time and enjoying it. I’m looking forward to the next life very much, trusting in Gods mercy. That’s where my heart is and I’m happy to accept the few small trials in this brief stint in exchange for the unimaginable bliss that will never end in heaven. That’s how I see it.

God bless you friend:thumbsup:🙂
 
Cure said:
My first mariage, though not in the Catholic church was valid. I am not seeking anullment, for I understand and accept that I can’t be married again.
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I do not have advice beyond looking into a Third Order or perhaps the Benedictine Oblates.

However, I wanted to thank you for upholding the dignity and sanctity of marriage in your posts (and in your life).

I see so many posts advocating “Just get an annulment” as though it were a right. I appreciate greatly your standing up for marriage. Thank you.
 
Cure said:
Hello all,

I am half-way through my Caticism class, and am truely looking forward to becoming a full-fledged Catholic, but of all the new struggles I will have to deal with…this is one of the most difficult:

As a person who has been devorced, I understand that I can never again love anyone. As a 29 year old, the thought of having to live the rest of my life alone is…well…not a very comforting thought.?
Click to expand...
your understanding of your situation is faulty, please ask your director to explain the actual teaching on divorce and remarriage, and make an appointment at once to discuss your individual situation with the priest, and whether in your case pursuing annulment would be worthwhile. You also need to grow in understanding of the nature of love, the many kinds of love and the many ways of living out Christ’s command to love one another in various stages of life. If your priest or catechist are giving you information that conflicts with true Catholic teaching, you need to go elsewhere, because if they are wrong about this they are also wrong about a lot of other things.

In any case, suppose in the end annulment is not possible and you must face the possibility of remaining single. So do millions of other Catholics, in religious or priestly life or in the single life, and they remain chaste, live highly fulfilling, rewarding lives, rich in love of the highest kind, and are anything but robots, but saints in the making.

You must rid yourself of the thinking that married love is the only kind of love, and that a relationship that grows in spiritual intimacy primarily through the channel of sexual intimacy, is not the only path to deep love. You must also come to terms with simple loneliness, as opposed to being alone, to learn the difference. Plenty of married people see themselves as lonely, or as living without love, so by itself that is no cure. Look to the lives of the saints, and to the example of holy men and women in our own age who find their vocation in pursuing the agape love best described by the Apostle John in his gospel and letters.

being married is also not the only way to participate in family life, or to live in community. The advice to consider a secular order is very good, so is the advice on nurturing relationships in your own extended family, or being part of other families as “foster aunt” for instance, or being open to showing some family feeling to others who are alone.
 
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