The single (unmarried) vocation. Curse or a cross?

[Sarcelle]

I would ask then, why do Christ and Saint Paul both affirm the preferability of celibacy, and why does the Council of Trent assert its superiority over the married state?

But I can see the trouble here. People can talk until they’re blue in the face about the “lay single vocation,” but the fact is that it is not by its very nature defined by what it is, but only by what it is not (not married, not religious, not clerical). It’s like that category of “other” on surveys and such. However, there’s very little in common between the college student, the career woman, the widow, the ill person, and the caregiver for elder relations except the fact that they are not married, not religious, and not clerical–states of life whose duties and responsibilities, those ways we love and serve God and our neighbour, are rather clearly defined.

Personally, I am of the mind that the vocational category of lay singleness ought to be done away with, due to the fact that very few are called to it in and of itself, but rather as a means to something else–something that is defined in affirmative and not negative terms. Speaking about it the way we do makes it look like the black hole of states of life that most seem to consider it as.

You are right when you say that we are not meant to be alone. This is why the Church has always strongly favoured cenobitic life, ranging from cloistered monasteries to third orders to secular institutes. If one finds oneself unmarried after having reasonably believed that one should marry, then I should strongly suggest that consecrated life of some form or another, but preferably in community, (or in the case of a man, the priesthood) ought to be reconsidered. To my mind, many vocations to consecrated life and priesthood are lost due to this emphasis on the lay unmarried state.

But if one cannot do this, for some reason, then consider how one is called in a positive sense, a secondary vocation, so to speak. We can surely speak of a calling to become a tertiary, to practice medicine, to enter public service, to assist one’s extended family (another sort of community) and so forth. These are clearly defined callings, not so nebulous as the supposed “calling” in question.

In any case, I hope this helps. God bless.

I will have to disagree, strongly disagree.

A failure to get married is not necessarily a call to the monastery, nunnery or priesthood. In fact my spiritual director told me that failure to get married is not a valid reason to become a nun, monk, or priest.

I don’t think single lay people are living in sin because they are neither married or consecrated religious, contrary to what some Catholics believe.

 

[Cricket2]

I will have to disagree, strongly disagree.

A failure to get married is not necessarily a call to the monastery, nunnery or priesthood. In fact my spiritual director told me that failure to get married is not a valid reason to become a nun, monk, or priest.

I don’t think single lay people are living in sin because they are neither married or consecrated religious, contrary to what some Catholics believe.

I agree with you strongly. I am single because I was too sick to enter a convent. I never met someone to marry and as a consequence I am single, and I am the primary care giver for many family members. Over the years I have cared for my grandparents, my father, an aunt, a cousin who is quadraplegic and currently my sister.

Being single has a lot of hardships that come with it. If you are sick, there is no back up for bills or anyone to care for you, everything is priced for double incomes including gas, groceries, rent and clothing. Safety is a constant concern when you have to live in high crime areas, or leave for work in the middle of the night. It can be lonely and a lot of people seem to think it is their duty to “find someone” for you, or “that there must be something wrong with you” if you don’t hit the party scene to find a partner.

Being single is a vocation, just as being married is. It is not an easy way of life and though it does have it’s benefits they are fewer than one might think. Oh, yes, tax time is a real hit in the head, or should I say wallet.

To think that all people should either be married or stowed away in a convent someplace is being sanctimonious at best.

 

[Sarcelle]

I agree with you strongly. I am single because I was too sick to enter a convent. I never met someone to marry and as a consequence I am single, and I am the primary care giver for many family members. Over the years I have cared for my grandparents, my father, an aunt, a cousin who is quadraplegic and currently my sister.

Being single has a lot of hardships that come with it. If you are sick, there is no back up for bills or anyone to care for you, everything is priced for double incomes including gas, groceries, rent and clothing. Safety is a constant concern when you have to live in high crime areas, or leave for work in the middle of the night. It can be lonely and a lot of people seem to think it is their duty to “find someone” for you, or “that there must be something wrong with you” if you don’t hit the party scene to find a partner.

Being single is a vocation, just as being married is. It is not an easy way of life and though it does have it’s benefits they are fewer than one might think. Oh, yes, tax time is a real hit in the head, or should I say wallet.

To think that all people should either be married or stowed away in a convent someplace is being sanctimonious at best.

I think people like to put others in boxes. Either you are married or religious. Single people who are not nuns, monks or priests, confuse some Catholics.

I actually have met people who are sincerely confused when they meet me, neither married or a nun. To them it’s just not possible. In their world, everybody got married or became priests or nuns. They tend to be older people in their 70s or 80s.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

I agree with you strongly. I am single because I was too sick to enter a convent. I never met someone to marry and as a consequence I am single, and I am the primary care giver for many family members. Over the years I have cared for my grandparents, my father, an aunt, a cousin who is quadraplegic and currently my sister.

Being single has a lot of hardships that come with it. If you are sick, there is no back up for bills or anyone to care for you, everything is priced for double incomes including gas, groceries, rent and clothing. Safety is a constant concern when you have to live in high crime areas, or leave for work in the middle of the night. It can be lonely and a lot of people seem to think it is their duty to “find someone” for you, or “that there must be something wrong with you” if you don’t hit the party scene to find a partner.

Being single is a vocation, just as being married is. It is not an easy way of life and though it does have it’s benefits they are fewer than one might think. Oh, yes, tax time is a real hit in the head, or should I say wallet.

To think that all people should either be married or stowed away in a convent someplace is being sanctimonious at best.

The good news is that lay celibacy doesn’t exclude having a lifelong companion.

 

[Avila123]

For me being single is simply what God called me to be. When I was younger I wanted to be married because it was expected but did not understand relationships and turned down two proposals. To be honest, I still cannot comprehend that commitment or intimate relationship.

With hindsight through God’s grace, the penny slowly dropped. There was only one person who I could have an intimate relationship with, who could live up to my expectations, accept me for who I was and help me to fulfill my potential. And yes, that person is God. I have no call to enter the religious life but believe I am where I am meant to be. Maybe there is something else, I just don’t know and do not mind. All I do know is that I am blessed because I have someone who is always here for me as He doesn’t sleep, who always listens, provides the comfort I need at difficult moments and surprises me, not with flowers, but unexpected delightful blessings.

I have felt a bit lonely on occasion but it has been for the lack of people who want to talk with about the one they love and what matters the most i.e. God. One day maybe, I can go up to someone and say “Don’t you just love God?” and they will say something like “Oh yes, isn’t He absolutely marvelous, especially when …” and then we can talk endlessly (not in competition) about his exquisiteness and perfection. Fortunately, through CAF and the online Great Adventure Bible Study and Father Barron’s Lenten reflections, that need is being satisfied for the moment.

I know it is not the same for everyone and it can be difficult wherever we are on our journey. But I just wanted to say how it was personally for this singly.

 

[TiggerS]

I will have to disagree, strongly disagree.

A failure to get married is not necessarily a call to the monastery, nunnery or priesthood. In fact my spiritual director told me that failure to get married is not a valid reason to become a nun, monk, or priest.

I don’t think single lay people are living in sin because they are neither married or consecrated religious, contrary to what some Catholics believe.

I agree particularly with your final paragraph. How can a single person be living in sin if they are Baptized and in the state of Sanctifying Grace?

 

[Windmill]

Whoever said that such people are living in sin?

 

[Sarcelle]

Whoever said that such people are living in sin?

I have met people, both when I was attending a Protestant church and at the Catholic churches. At least Catholics make allowances for a state other than marriage. Some Protestants think all, and I mean all, adults must be married. If you aren’t than you are living in sin.

 

[Cricket2]

I have met people, both when I was attending a Protestant church and at the Catholic churches. At least Catholics make allowances for a state other than marriage. Some Protestants think all, and I mean all, adults must be married. If you aren’t than you are living in sin.

That would be good reason not to be a Protestant then. No where does the Bible suggest that being single is a sin.

 

[bardegaulois]

I will have to disagree, strongly disagree.

A failure to get married is not necessarily a call to the monastery, nunnery or priesthood. In fact my spiritual director told me that failure to get married is not a valid reason to become a nun, monk, or priest.

I don’t think single lay people are living in sin because they are neither married or consecrated religious, contrary to what some Catholics believe.

Nor am I suggesting that. I am saying, however, that a lot of unmarried people in the lay life who aren’t really happy with it might want to take a step back and ask themselves if they really feel called to the lay life in general or not. If they’re not, then it is a good possibility that they’re not living out their vocation and thus ought to take steps to amend that.

I, for one, know that a lot of unhappiness with my personal life and my career over the past year has pushed me back into serious consideration of the priesthood, whether through a religious institute or a society of apostolic life. Experience with friends also tells me that many of those who aren’t happy in the world are so because they are trying to live a life to which they were never called, and thus they go back into a time of discernment. They often realize that they’ve always had a vocation to religion or to the priesthood, but that their lack of fortitude in the past prevented them from following. Often it takes the wisdom that comes with age and suffering to realize that, and it always leads to a renewed appreciation of the mercy of God.

Are some called to celibate laity? Absolutely. But like any other vocation, it is a clear call. It must be discerned and embraced, not settled for. It’s important that unhappy single laymen like our OP know this, and hopefully begin discernment again if their state in life serves only to frustrate them.

 

[TiggerS]

If one is unhappy in life then one should seek out spiritual direction. We are not made for unhappiness - love and serving God and neighbour is meant to bring us Peace and Joy. Of course, life is made up of ups and downs and just the nature of being human and living on this earth - but ups and downs are transitional ideally with the ups by far in the majority. It is possible too, with advancement on the spiritual way, to experience Peace and Joy even in the down times. Many of our saints attest to this. This does not mean that humanly the person does not suffer on the human level, but the suffering is accepted Peacefully and even Joyfully.
It is not unusual for us humans when going through some difficulty great or small to be somewhat or even wholly blaming of God for it all. It is never ever The Lord, it is how we are handling our difficulty that is the problem needing spiritual direction.

Unhappiness in life is not of necessity an indication that one should change one’s state in life to another vocation…not at all…and for sure! And it is probably only sound spiritual direction that can p(name removed by moderator)oint cause of unhappiness and what to do about it. Spiritual direction may not be the only means, but it is the best means and a very wise one if one does desire the path of Unity with The Lord in life. And wisdom is one of the Gifts of The Holy Spirit at Confirmation. Pope Benedict pointed out the great benefit of spiritual direction including for lay people. zenit.org/en/articles/benedict-xvi-recommends-spiritual-direction

 

[bardegaulois]

If one is unhappy in life then one should seek out spiritual direction. We are not made for unhappiness - love and serving God and neighbour is meant to bring us Peace and Joy. Of course, life is made up of ups and downs and just the nature of being human and living on this earth - but ups and downs are transitional ideally with the ups by far in the majority. It is possible too, with advancement on the spiritual way, to experience Peace and Joy even in the down times. Many of our saints attest to this. This does not mean that humanly the person does not suffer on the human level, but the suffering is accepted Peacefully and even Joyfully.
It is not unusual for us humans when going through some difficulty great or small to be somewhat or even wholly blaming of God for it all. It is never ever The Lord, it is how we are handling our difficulty that is the problem needing spiritual direction.

Unhappiness in life is not of necessity an indication that one should change one’s state in life to another vocation…not at all…and for sure! And it is probably only sound spiritual direction that can p(name removed by moderator)oint cause of unhappiness and what to do about it. Spiritual direction may not be the only means, but it is the best means and a very wise one if one does desire the path of Unity with The Lord in life. And wisdom is one of the Gifts of The Holy Spirit at Confirmation. Pope Benedict pointed out the great benefit of spiritual direction including for lay people. zenit.org/en/articles/benedict-xvi-recommends-spiritual-direction

I wholeheartedly endorse this suggestion. Any potential change in state of life is certainly not something to be taken lightly, and ought to be brought to a spiritual director. I’d recommend a longer retreat be taken with these ends in mind as well.

Of course, if one works continuously with a director, he will likely be able to identify the needed changes in one’s life often before or at the same time as the penitent does.

 

[openmind77]

In light of Genesis where its stated, “its not good for man to be alone” it is clear that God doesnt want man to be lonely. So for those individuals who desperately want to get married but are unable to find a mate, it is clearly a hardship, maybe even a cross in their lives. Could it also be a curse or punishment from God? After all it is more of a natural condition to be married then single.

In these days of the internet, it is not that difficult to find a partner or to get married (if one is reasonably normal). The problem is and has always been, being happily married - this is very difficult indeed.

I would not call it a punishment, but there are those among us who are meant have a difficult life - this could be because their soul is planning to have a life that produces a lot of spiritual growth or because they have done something terrible in a past life that has resulted in this difficult life, Either one could be true. (I am speaking from the Hindu point of view, of course).