The subtle lie: Women must be powerful but not fruitful

[blackforest]

That’s hard, I’ll grant. But I have my Master’s, and welders make more money than I’ll ever see on a paycheck.

 

[Ana_v]

But is it always truly equal? The parent who is bringing in money and therefore writing out the cheques for housing, food, clothing, kids schooling etc is often inclined to throw their weight around in terms of making the decisions as to where to live, what school to put the children in etc. The parent who does not bring in money often finds their (name removed by moderator)ut given much.less if not no weight at all

I had a conversation recently with a male cousin. He is 23 years old, his father is in his fourth marriage and his mother in her third.

He has a girlfriend and was telling me that if he gets married, he would like his wife to work so that she doesn’t have to feel dependent on him for money and feel as though she has to “ask permission” for expenses. He says he wants them to be a team in terms of income-earning.

He also told me that, since his stepfather is wealthy, all of his mom’s base expenses are completely covered (house, car, phone, bills, food, travels, insurance, etc), and she gets a $200/week allowance to use for anything she wants to spend on at her sole discretion.

He then said that his stepfather will sometimes make big out of pocket expenses for things he wants, e.g. car parts (he collects cars), but that if his mom wants to make a large out of pocket expenses (e.g. for her horses), he will tell her that she has to budget for it with her allowance.

I’m not privy to any more details than what he told me, but of course there may be more to the story.

But in any case, it is relevant to the general issue of the “breadwinner”
pulling the “I’m the one who makes the income” card when push comes to shove.

 

[joyfulandactive]

Absolutely true. Industrialization “industrialized” the family.

 

[gam197]

I will admit I am a bit jealous (not anti-semitic) but in awe of how the Orthodox Jewish community has been able to go forth in a hostile and expensive environment.

The males barely receive an eight grade education and go on to study the Torah in high school.
The females get a secular education throughout high school with some religious studies so often they are better equipped to find jobs. Yet these very large families are able to sustain themselves by buying houses in poorer neighborhoods and fixing them up.

I really don’t want them to stop because they see their vocation as a dedication to G_d.

 

[Sarcelle]

A lot of young people I know are ditching college and working as plumber and electrician apprentices.

 

[blackforest]

But in any case, it is relevant to the general issue of the “breadwinner”
pulling the “I’m the one who makes the income” card when push comes to shove.

In a healthy marriage, this dynamic shouldn’t exist.

The only time it came up for us is when we were moving into a new home and getting set up with furniture, etc. I said something like, “Sorry - I’m spending a lot of your paycheck this month.” My husband just shrugged and said, “It’s your paycheck, too.”

It makes sense. The reality hits whenever it’s time to renew the life insurance policy and calculate my worth.

If the unthinkable happened to a stay-at-home mom, the husband would have to shell out a lot on daycare and convenience meals. Stay-at-home moms also earn their keep. There are studies out there suggesting how much we’re worth. https://www.salary.com/articles/mother-salary/

I grimace whenever I see threads like this because they discourage healthy marriages. Catholics considering marriage, or currently facing marital conflict, will get much more solid information from their priests or therapists than from CAF.

 

[Sarcelle]

In a healthy marriage, this dynamic shouldn’t exist.

This makes it even more important for the proper discernment of a potential spouse before marriage. In order to properly discern if someone is a proper spouse one should have in mind what a healthy marriage should look like.

Unfortunately not a lot of us grew up with any idea of how a healthy marriage looks like with divorce being so prevalent.

 

[joyfulandactive]

Yes gam197 they are an anomaly as the average household income is very low but the community does not display the usual problems normally associated with low-income inner city neighborhoods such as family breakup and crime. The community integration and mutual support is impressive. They share many similarities to the Amish as others have pointed out. Also, attrition rates are relatively low. They could afford to lose many community members because of their large families and would still grow in number, but they retain their younger members at very high rates which is also very interesting.

You’re so right when you think of their extremely modest beginnings and how they rebuilt from very, very small numbers around their Rabbi’s after the holocaust.

The lady in the NYT article is incredible as she lost children during the Shoah but brought her family to the USA and went on to have more American born children. Such amazing tenacity and faith.