The Talk

[EasterJoy]

Homeschooled kids tend to socialize with people of ALL ages, not just their age peers like in an institutional school.

Unless they’re in the outback or homeschool precisely in order to keep their children away from other people, yes. That does not mean they don’t socialize with people who never ever talk about anything remotely sexual.

My mother had a high school classmate who got pregnant partly because she didn’t know how one got pregnant. The teacher (whoever it is) ought not be crass or vulgar, but euphemisms are also not a friend.

 

[Mommybostic]

I disagree that this is “late.” My mother insisted on having some huge, formal talk with me while I was in kindergarten and I didn’t understand some of it and it was confusing and upsetting. Children are children.

Having said that, he hasn’t had any physical manifestations of puberty until the past couple of months, and still only slightly. Also, we have always talked about things fairly openly and he does have what I would consider general ideas about things. However, once things start happening to your own body, that becomes a whole new situation, and that is where we are now. I want him to understand clearly what is happening, and that it happens to everyone. And Allegra is right–I want to approach this subject now in the context of morality and God and how important sex is between MARRIED partners. I hope we have been living and talking these lessons his whole life, but many parents make the mistake of assuming their kids know what’s right. He is not isolated, and was in school till fourth grade, anyway.

Thanks for all the (name removed by moderator)ut!

 

[Mommybostic]

When I said he was naive, I meant in the way that we don’t watch inappropriate movies and television, or speak that way. I don’t THINK he has been exposed to pornography. I think by saying he was naive you have all assumed he doesn’t even know what a breast is. I am terribly sorry for giving that impression.

 

[EasterJoy]

I disagree that this is “late.” My mother insisted on having some huge, formal talk with me while I was in kindergarten and I didn’t understand some of it and it was confusing and upsetting. Children are children.

Having said that, he hasn’t had any physical manifestations of puberty until the past couple of months, and still only slightly. Also, we have always talked about things fairly openly and he does have what I would consider general ideas about things. However, once things start happening to your own body, that becomes a whole new situation, and that is where we are now. I want him to understand clearly what is happening, and that it happens to everyone. And Allegra is right–I want to approach this subject now in the context of morality and God and how important sex is between MARRIED partners. I hope we have been living and talking these lessons his whole life, but many parents make the mistake of assuming their kids know what’s right. He is not isolated, and was in school till fourth grade, anyway.

Thanks for all the (name removed by moderator)ut!

Yes. I’d think it is fine for you to teach him about women and how to relate to them and treat them–I don’t separate religion from biology from day to day life, but treat them all of a piece–plus the theoretical stuff, and to have his dad talk to him on an on-going basis about what goes on with guys, and especially what happens to guys without any conscious desire on their part. (Well, you can tell him that he’s starting to smell like a man, and what he needs to do to adjust his hygiene accordingly.)

We have also taught our sons about those things that you’d hope they would not need to know, on the pretext that they may have friends who will not believe these things, if they come from an adult. I mean dangers having to do with heavier “making out” that they ought to be doing in the first place. There are small points of biology there that are nevertheless worth making known to him at some point. I would leave that to his dad, however. It is kind of like teaching them what to do if they’re arrested. You’d like to hope they’d never need to know, for instance, that the police are sometimes allowed to lie to you when they question you, but you can’t send them into the world totally ignorant.

 

[Allegra]

I disagree that this is “late.” My mother insisted on having some huge, formal talk with me while I was in kindergarten and I didn’t understand some of it and it was confusing and upsetting. Children are children.

Having said that, he hasn’t had any physical manifestations of puberty until the past couple of months, and still only slightly. Also, we have always talked about things fairly openly and he does have what I would consider general ideas about things. However, once things start happening to your own body, that becomes a whole new situation, and that is where we are now. I want him to understand clearly what is happening, and that it happens to everyone. And Allegra is right–I want to approach this subject now in the context of morality and God and how important sex is between MARRIED partners. I hope we have been living and talking these lessons his whole life, but many parents make the mistake of assuming their kids know what’s right. He is not isolated, and was in school till fourth grade, anyway.

Thanks for all the (name removed by moderator)ut!

Unfortunately, for alot of boys it would be late. But as I said, not all boys are the same. The best idea is to have an ongoing discussion that stems from a loving family life and good moral examples.

 

[Kamaduck]

I disagree that this is “late.” My mother insisted on having some huge, formal talk with me while I was in kindergarten and I didn’t understand some of it and it was confusing and upsetting. Children are children.

Having said that, he hasn’t had any physical manifestations of puberty until the past couple of months, and still only slightly. Also, we have always talked about things fairly openly and he does have what I would consider general ideas about things. However, once things start happening to your own body, that becomes a whole new situation, and that is where we are now. I want him to understand clearly what is happening, and that it happens to everyone. And Allegra is right–I want to approach this subject now in the context of morality and God and how important sex is between MARRIED partners. I hope we have been living and talking these lessons his whole life, but many parents make the mistake of assuming their kids know what’s right. He is not isolated, and was in school till fourth grade, anyway.

Thanks for all the (name removed by moderator)ut!

All I can say is good luck. My mother taught me about the basic biology of sex when I was four, in the context of learning about anatomy as a whole. When I ran into trouble later, it wasn’t because I knew too much, but because I still knew too little.

A humorous example- when I first got my period, I thought I was dying. I knew what a period was, but I didn’t recognize it when it happened to me!

It wasn’t all humorous, though… so I would say, whatever you do, don’t be vague. Give him all of the information he needs. I’d also say that he may have a very trusting relationship with you, but he’s still likely to be embarrassed about the topic. Expect that no matter how safe the space is, he may not immediately share all of his concerns with you.

 

[FaithChem]

Oy what a conversation here!

1. As a guy I was equally embarrassed to talk to my mom or dad about this. I don’t why this attitude that mom takes care of the girls and dad takes care of the boys persists. I think society (at least for now) understands that in most cases parents and children maintain healthy sexual boundaries regardless of their gender. Therefore there is no reason a girl should feel uncomfortable talking to dad or a boy to his mom.

To me, I’d care more what my mom had to say since I am interested in girls! I always wanted to know how they think and feel (emotionally).Of coarse neither one of my parents were very into “the talk” but THANK GOD I have 2 wonderful grandparents who were. Both grandpa and grandma talked about that stuff with me TOGETHER on multiple occasions and did so in a way that inspired me to appreciate sexuality. They didn’t have Theology of the Body or anything aside from real experience.

1. I totally understand that mom has more experience in feminine hygiene but periods are a small piece of the overall context of sexuality. A girl needs to know from dad how boys will relate to her and what she should expect from them. A boy needs to know the same from mom. Shaving and deodorant pale in comparison to the emotional roller-coaster of human sexuality. Periods, shaving, and hygiene are all basic biological issues that quite honestly anyone with a brain could explain to another or get from a book. The important stuff like responsibilities involved in a pregnancy and the emotional impact however are FAR more complex.
2. I think its good for boys to talk to their moms about sex because like girls, guys are always looking for approval from the opposite sex. For some reason whether its culture or something innate each half of the species cares deeply about what the other half thinks. Maybe its because of the desire to reproduce? I don’t know but I do know that a guy will be more confident and in tune with a girls needs if his mother affirms / instills that in him. The same goes for girls with their fathers. If dad demonstrates to his daughter that she is beautiful to him no matter what her body does or looks like she is more likely to find a guy that will have that level of openness / acceptance with her.
3. I ultimately think it is more important to talk to kids TOGETHER. Remember, sexuality is about relationship! It is NOT about isolation and shame. We have been making this topic about isolation and shame for generations because we are afraid of it. We are afraid of it because it is so powerful. In the words of Jesus, “be not afraid!”

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

OP, we use a book called, “The Joyful Mysteries of Life” for THE TALK with my homeschooled kids. It is fully Catholic, and a very sweet, gentle introduction. It has several short chapters, and in chapter 5 (which is in the middle of the book, and which only took 20-30 minutes to get to), it briefly describes the mechanics of sex. I believe that the explanation they give is a beautiful start - but the child will probably need to, and want to know more details about how it all works. I do it at age ten, and so far have done it twice - actually my dh read the book with our ds, and I read the book with my dd. My ds’s reaction was, “yeah I kind of figured that’s how it works.” And my dd’s reaction was of total surprise and more questions like “so you only do it once?” Both raised with pretty similar influences, but the ds is more in tuned with the outside world because of his interest in headlines and pop culture (even though he isn’t exposed to a ton of it, he picks it up here and there). It probably makes a difference too, that the physical experiences that boys have as a natural part of growing up, are likely to make them think earlier about the concept of men and women fitting together like a puzzle. Keep in mind that (as I’ve heard, at least), that at 13, your son has probably had plenty of startling erections, and perhaps nocturnal emissions, etc…At the very least, he has probably thought, “gee, I wonder why my body would do that?” and perhaps come up with a logical answer.

As I said, the Joyful Mysteries of Life is a good start, but not the end. The key is to get the conversation started, get the key information out there, and make openings for questions and more discussions. I think that programs like Theology of the Body for middle schoolers might be appropriate as well, but from my understanding, that book doesn’t actually explain the facts of life. Instead it refers to it in the context of morality.

 

[His_helpmeet]

St. Francis Books (www.stfrancisbooks.com) has 2 Catholic books about this. There’s one for girls called “Mother’s Little Helper” and one for boys called “Listen, Son”. They have talks for kids as young as 9-13. My mom has “Listen, Son” but I’ve only skimmed through it, but from what SFB has on their web site, they look very positive. I’m going to buy “Mother’s Little Helper” for my stepdaughter as she will be nine this year. SFB is a great Catholic company that has LOTS of resources for homeschooling, virtues, Catholic family life, etc. - even Catholic paper dolls for little girls, and lots of novels about the saints. Everything I’ve ever seen come from there has been completely solid. There are a very small number of things that are not specifically Catholic, but they always mention that on the web site.

 

[FaithChem]

St. Francis Books (www.stfrancisbooks.com) has 2 Catholic books about this. There’s one for girls called “Mother’s Little Helper” and one for boys called “Listen, Son”. They have talks for kids as young as 9-13. My mom has “Listen, Son” but I’ve only skimmed through it, but from what SFB has on their web site, they look very positive. I’m going to buy “Mother’s Little Helper” for my stepdaughter as she will be nine this year. SFB is a great Catholic company that has LOTS of resources for homeschooling, virtues, Catholic family life, etc. - even Catholic paper dolls for little girls, and lots of novels about the saints. Everything I’ve ever seen come from there has been completely solid. There are a very small number of things that are not specifically Catholic, but they always mention that on the web site.

That is what my dad said when I did something wrong lol! They need a better title.

 

[Allegra]

Oy what a conversation here!

1. I ultimately think it is more important to talk to kids TOGETHER. Remember, sexuality is about relationship! It is NOT about isolation and shame. We have been making this topic about isolation and shame for generations because we are afraid of it. We are afraid of it because it is so powerful. In the words of Jesus, “be not afraid!”

I agree that this is the best way for parent to teach sexual morality. I never thought that the reason a boy should talk to his father instead of his mother was because of embarrassment. In my view, boys are likely to talk about sex with other males like his friends or his weird uncle, none of which are guarenteed to be offering said son a moral view of sexuality and a respect for women and the family unit. A father is a boy’s first male role model, and therefore it is important that the truth about sexual morality come from him and not just from mom. It’s important that both parents say it, but the father is the one the boy is going to listen to. (PS- He is also the one the boy is going to watch so if he sees him looking at soft-porn movies, laughing at dirty jokes, or talking disrespectfully about women, it isn’t going to matter much what he said.) That being said, I don’t think it really matters who explains the biological stuff.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Oh for crying out loud! The word ‘boobs’ is degrading?! (Okay, I need a second to stop laughing.)

…

Okay, I’ve recovered now. (Thanks for helping me start off my day right.) .

Please don’t make fun of me. If you disagree with my opinion, by all means explain why and we can discuss. But to just mock me because I believe in respect is not nice

 

[FaithChem]

I agree that this is the best way for parent to teach sexual morality. I never thought that the reason a boy should talk to his father instead of his mother was because of embarrassment. In my view, boys are likely to talk about sex with other males like his friends or his weird uncle, none of which are guarenteed to be offering said son a moral view of sexuality and a respect for women and the family unit. A father is a boy’s first male role model, and therefore it is important that the truth about sexual morality come from him and not just from mom. It’s important that both parents say it, but the father is the one the boy is going to listen to. (PS- He is also the one the boy is going to watch so if he sees him looking at soft-porn movies, laughing at dirty jokes, or talking disrespectfully about women, it isn’t going to matter much what he said.) That being said, I don’t think it really matters who explains the biological stuff.

The reason it seems boys are more likely to talk to other guys about sex is because they just happen to be who his friends are. If a boy only had friends that were girls he would probably be talking to them about it. We don’t much encourage kids to have friends of the opposite sex pre-middle school so the first time a boy (or girl) really takes note of the opposite sex is when desire enters the picture. Remember the “cooties” joke? I was fortunate that I did have friends that were girls and they were more than willing to open up with their thoughts. I have kept in touch with some over the years and they have been a great resource.

I agree a dad is the first role model for a boy. If mom however is disrespectful of men (i.e. husband bashing, 50 Shades of Grey type, etc) a boy is more likely to turn out to hate women because he will feel a sense of rejection by her. It is often said that girls with daddy issues have toxic relationships with men and the same goes for boys with mommy issues. I think kids listen and respond to both of their parents behavior towards the opposite sex.

 

[Allegra]

The reason it seems boys are more likely to talk to other guys about sex is because they just happen to be who his friends are. If a boy only had friends that were girls he would probably be talking to them about it. We don’t much encourage kids to have friends of the opposite sex pre-middle school so the first time a boy (or girl) really takes note of the opposite sex is when desire enters the picture. Remember the “cooties” joke? I was fortunate that I did have friends that were girls and they were more than willing to open up with their thoughts. I have kept in touch with some over the years and they have been a great resource.

I agree a dad is the first role model for a boy. If mom however is disrespectful of men (i.e. husband bashing, 50 Shades of Grey type, etc) a boy is more likely to turn out to hate women because he will feel a sense of rejection by her. It is often said that girls with daddy issues have toxic relationships with men and the same goes for boys with mommy issues. I think kids listen and respond to both of their parents behavior towards the opposite sex.

That’s true. A boy who has a mother who disrespects men, especially her husband, is likely to choose a woman who will treat him the same because he doesn’t know any better. Our culture tends to celebrate this view of men and often encourages this kind of behavior as being a “strong woman”. The same goes for a girl. If her father treats her mother like trash, she will seek out a man who treats her the same, because she won’t think she deserves any better. That’s why it’s important for the kids to see a good example from both of their parents.

 

[Allegra]

Please don’t make fun of me. If you disagree with my opinion, by all means explain why and we can discuss. But to just mock me because I believe in respect is not nice

I mocked you because you claim using a completely innocent word is disrespectful, completely regardless of context, not because you believe in respect. I believe in respect as well, but not in condescending fake respect. Feeling morally superior to others because you use ultra-prim or politically correct language is not real respect. Trying to criticize others for not using it is laughable.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I mocked you because you claim using a completely innocent word is disrespectful, completely regardless of context, not because you believe in respect. I believe in respect as well, but not in condescending fake respect. Feeling morally superior to others because you use ultra-prim or politically correct language is not real respect. Trying to criticize others for not using it is laughable.

If that is how I came across, I apologize. I never intended to give the impression I think I was morally superior. If you want to debate whether or not the word is innocent or disrespectful, that is what I was trying to get at.

Please (and I mean this in an friendly way), show me what I said to give the impression I do not believe in real respect. Also, I was not criticizing, I was trying to ask in a polite way if my perspective could be considered.

Angie

 

[Kamaduck]

If that is how I came across, I apologize. I never intended to give the impression I think I was morally superior. If you want to debate whether or not the word is innocent or disrespectful, that is what I was trying to get at.

Please (and I mean this in an friendly way), show me what I said to give the impression I do not believe in real respect. Also, I was not criticizing, I was trying to ask in a polite way if my perspective could be considered.

Angie

I’m curious. Why is “boobs” disrespectful?

 

[Allegra]

I mocked you because you claim using a completely innocent word is disrespectful, completely regardless of context, not because you believe in respect. I believe in respect as well, but not in condescending fake respect. Feeling morally superior to others because you use ultra-prim or politically correct language is not real respect. Trying to criticize others for not using it is laughable.

Furthermore, maybe that is the answer to the OP’s question. These conversations need to happen with our kids, but the specific words used are not what is important. What is important is that our lives are a testimony to God’s plan for the family. If a child’s soul is fed on constant real love and he senses the permanance and the strength from his parent’s union, he will crave that when he is starting a family of his own. What he needs to understand from “the talk” is that sex is an intregal part of that plan and not something that is simply coincidental and something to play around with until he gets to that point. (I promise this can be accomplished regardless of whether or not you use the medical school terms. )

 

[Allegra]

If that is how I came across, I apologize. I never intended to give the impression I think I was morally superior. If you want to debate whether or not the word is innocent or disrespectful, that is what I was trying to get at.

Please (and I mean this in an friendly way), show me what I said to give the impression I do not believe in real respect. Also, I was not criticizing, I was trying to ask in a polite way if my perspective could be considered.

Angie

You were, in fact, criticizing. You are welcome to view your post where you claimed my use of the word “boobs” was degrading, which is clearly a criticism.

The word “boobs” is not degrading and is used universally by old, young, men, women, and nursing toddlers. There is nothing degrading about the word or the specific organ it represents. It is, in fact, far more specific than the puritanical “breasts”. After all, many creatures have breasts. Males have breasts. Children have breasts. Even chickens have breasts. But only women have boobs, an organ that has an essential, honorable, life-giving function that no other “breasts” can offer. And only boobs garner interest from curious, prepubescant boys so therefore, I used the correct word in my post. They aren’t icky, shameful, or offensive, so let’s not pretend they are.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I’m curious. Why is “boobs” disrespectful?

IMO it is a slang word. There is nothing wrong with a black or a Chinese person. However, there are a lot of words one could use to describe them in a degrading way. It is the same things with our bodies. There are appropriate and inappropriate terms