The thing that stinks most about dating

[sw85]

Studies show that the chemical rush from puppy love wears off around 6 months in, plus or minus maybe three months. Unsurprisingly, this is around the time most relationships end. You’re either the kind of couple that can make things work once the initial high wears off or you aren’t, and if you aren’t, there’s not a lot you can do.

The thing that stinks is, there is no way to know if you’re the kind of couple that can make it work until you do (or don’t). Even if there were, the chemical rush would ensure you’d be in no position to evaluate it objectively.

So a man must walk into every serious relationship knowing that its future is utterly indeterminate: that no matter how wonderful the girl is, no matter how much she loves him or he loves her, it remains a very real possibility that all that love will evaporate before she gets her next haircut. All his plans and dreams and desires regarding her are contingent on something that is beyond his control and, very often, beyond his ability even to recognize or understand. (All this applies just as much to the woman).

The other thing that stinks is how easy it is for a man to get discouraged, because this will continue to happen to him – until the one time that it doesn’t.

 

[EasterJoy]

You make this sound like such a crapshoot.

In spite of popular opinion to the contrary, hormone rushes do not render those experiencing them entirely brain dead. A person can still see the object of their hopes in operation with friends (yours and their own), with family (theirs and your own), and with near and total strangers, including other drivers and the staff at restaurants. You can know sooner than the time it takes for the chemicals to wear off. You can be a moth that knows a flame when he sees one.

Are some people doomed to be serial Romeos, depressed over Rosaline at noon one day and ready to die for the sake of Juliette by the next dawn? Yeah, they probably are, but I do not think it is biology that dooms them. I think it is all-or-nothing romantic thinking.

 

[edward_george]

We are not just chemically-driven robots. We do possess free will. If all relationships were based solely on hormone surges, the human race would die out. But evidently at least someone somewhere along the line has given the consent of the will to continue loving someone even though they aren’t chemically attracted as much as they might have been. Love is a much deeper and more enduring thing than simple brain chemistry.

-ACEGC

 

[EasterJoy]

…If all relationships were based solely on hormone surges, the human race would die out…

I’m thinking that the hormone-driven do their fair share to keep the race from dying out.

(Don’t forget: Oxytocin is a hormone, too. Cuddle that baby!!)

Seriously, though, you’re right. Hormone surges can cause a stampede in the direction of conception, but guiding a child all the way to adulthood (and not killing him in the process) until you become a grandparent takes a great deal of self-mastery!

 

[CompSciGuy]

This is one of the reasons I’ve always been wary and uneasy about the idea of dating. I actually have never dated before… but from what I’ve seen it seems like dating is the only area of life where it becomes common practice to act completely based off of feelings. Which is terrible, because feelings are the worst possible things to affect a life decision. After marriage, it is no longer a matter of feelings but it becomes a commitment. It just seems so arbitrary, you find someone, get that chemical rush, try to keep it up long enough to get married, and then lock into commitment at marriage and work together to make it work.

 

[triumphguy]

I was only happy dating girls with the same values as me (didn’t have to be the same faith - though 2 converted to Catholicism, one of whom became my wife).

With the same values, likes, complementary personality etc it doesn’t matter if the hormones wear off because there’s enough in common to maintain a decent relationship.

 

[daisybee]

Are you dating practicing Catholics who take their faith very seriously, and who want to have a family? Have you ever tried or considered the idea of courtship, not just dating? (There are quite a few resources/books on Catholic courtship out there.) Even though online dating may not be the ideal/easiest thing, sites like Ave Maria Singles help practicing Catholics find each other–it really can be a challenge to find a faithful Catholic spouse, AMS and similar can help make it easier.

 

[AthenaC]

It depends on the priorities of the person. With my husband, we fully embraced the puppy love stage, once we got the formal commitment thing out of the way. That just made it so much better because we knew we could relax in the relationship and enjoy each other, knowing we could trust each other.

 

[Nimzovik]

Amen Bro! Tell it like it is! The OP is a harbinger of truth!

 

[underacloud]

The other thing that stinks is how easy it is for a man to get discouraged, because this will continue to happen to him – until the one time that it doesn’t.

And when that one time that it doesn’t end comes, he will be unceasingly grateful that all the others did end!

I dated a number of women (was even engaged to one) before I met my wife. I found each relationship ending, whether by me or her, to be frustrating. And each period between relatsionships was frustrating and I wondered if I would ever meet the right person. And then she came along.

The point of dating is to get to know one another and work out if you have a future together. The hormones are one aspect of this. You’re right that it’s hard to determine the possible success of each relationship. You wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) enter one that you knew wouldn’t work, so almost by definition you are right that we “must walk into every serious relationship knowing that its future is utterly indeterminate”. But like others told me at the time…don’t lose hope. Keep praying to God that He will lead you into your intended vocation - if that is marriage, He will get you there.

 

[lerapt78]

I was only happy dating girls with the same values as me (didn’t have to be the same faith - though 2 converted to Catholicism, one of whom became my wife).

With the same values, likes, complementary personality etc it doesn’t matter if the hormones wear off because there’s enough in common to maintain a decent relationship.

^^^^ This. I would say that relationships in which the two people have very little in common are probably based mostly on chemistry/hormones resulting from physical attraction. However those who take pleasure in mutual interests shouldn’t find it difficult to maintain a level of enjoyment, if not actual excitement, in each other. If you think about it, when we partake in activities we enjoy, we become happy. When we’re happy, we like to share that happiness and we often display a more relaxed, friendly, and optimistic demeanor that makes others seek out our continuous company.

OP, I suspect you’re a passionate romantic.

 

[PatriceA]

Studies show that the chemical rush from puppy love wears off around 6 months in, plus or minus maybe three months. Unsurprisingly, this is around the time most relationships end. You’re either the kind of couple that can make things work once the initial high wears off or you aren’t, and if you aren’t, there’s not a lot you can do.

The thing that stinks is, there is no way to know if you’re the kind of couple that can make it work until you do (or don’t). Even if there were, the chemical rush would ensure you’d be in no position to evaluate it objectively.

So a man must walk into every serious relationship knowing that its future is utterly indeterminate: that no matter how wonderful the girl is, no matter how much she loves him or he loves her, it remains a very real possibility that all that love will evaporate before she gets her next haircut. All his plans and dreams and desires regarding her are contingent on something that is beyond his control and, very often, beyond his ability even to recognize or understand. (All this applies just as much to the woman).

The other thing that stinks is how easy it is for a man to get discouraged, because this will continue to happen to him – until the one time that it doesn’t.

Ever thought of consulting God during those first six months and not relying on the hormones to fade or not fade out? Where is God in your dating relationship? Are you discerning at all?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The problem here is that you are confusing love with that warm fuzzy feeling you get at the beginning of a relationship. You’re saying that after the chemicals settle you’ll know if the love was real. But if you don’t know than it isn’t love.

I am a big fan of taking things slow. And I’m very wary of men who fall in love in a matter of weeks or even just a few months. It seems disingenuous to me to say that you love someone before you’ve seen them at their worst, gone through some of life’s problems together, really worked on building trust, etc. In short, you can’t love someone until you really know them.

Yeah, the warm fuzzies give us rose colored glasses. But, if you really can’t set that aside to work on getting to know someone for who they really are, then dating will be extremely problematic for you.

 

[johndoe100]

Hello SW85, I have spent a life time being married to 2 women, and i was widowed (not divorced) from the first one. What you are talking about here is the nature of a woman. It’s just something that a man has to watch out for. What I have learned through past mistakes is to keep my woman away from single or divorsed women. Secondly, never-never marry a promiscuous woman. Those movies with a beautiful woman who have two men chasing after her, and she picks the hero, are not for us Christian men. Believe me!

 

[Crescentinus]

Thank you for sharing your frustrations, clearly you are not alone in the world and alone in your thinking! I will be praying for you in your faith journey and your journey in dating and courting. I charitably challenge your way of thinking, and urge you to approach your journey in a totally different way.

Dating a woman that you don’t wind up marrying is not necessarily a waste of time. In fact dating several women that you don’t wind up getting married to may not be a waste of time. God may have placed those women in your life deliberately. Perhaps to open your mind, perhaps to help you grow in your prayer life, perhaps so that you may appreciate your future wife even more because of your past experiences.

Nothing is a waste of time if done for the Glory of God! We live in the world so we all have a “reaching the goal” or a “crossing the finish line” mentality. If we don’t get married, if we don’t buy a house, if we don’t get the job promotion we are seeking, if we have trouble having a baby…we somehow see ourselves as incomplete or wasting our time. You are a beloved child of God and if you keep him close to your heart at all times in all things you are living a very rich life indeed.

Please do not get discouraged…puppy love, dating, hormone and emotional rushes are all secondary things. Live life in Christ as deeply as possible and then even if you go on 1000 dates you will still feel complete because you have HIM.

reads and is stunned

 

[PatriceA]

Hello SW85, I have spent a life time being married to 2 women, and i was widowed (not divorced) from the first one. What you are talking about here is the nature of a woman. It’s just something that a man has to watch out for. What I have learned through past mistakes is to keep my woman away from single or divorsed women. Secondly, never-never marry a promiscuous woman. Those movies with a beautiful woman who have two men chasing after her, and she picks the hero, are not for us Christian men. Believe me!

I’m sorry but I disagree that this is solely a problem with women. Men are not excused from this behavior simply because they are men. Both genders can behave badly when it comes to this dating topic.

 

[johndoe100]

I’m sorry but I disagree that this is solely a problem with women. Men are not excused from this behavior simply because they are men. Both genders can behave badly when it comes to this dating topic.

Well, the OP just converted during last Easter Vigal, so I’m assuming that he is a good guy. I might add that my present wife and I are into a 24 year marriage, and we both agree not to associate with divorced couples, and absolutely no singles or divorced singles.

The reason I received the Sacrament of Marriage twice in my life is because I didn’t waste my time on single women who were playing a game to see how much they could get.

 

[AthenaC]

I might add that my present wife and I are into a 24 year marriage, and we both agree not to associate with divorced couples, and absolutely no singles or divorced singles.

Well, if you feel that’s necessary, so be it. But I feel sorry for you and your wife - you are missing out on a lot of great friendships by limiting yourselves in such a manner.

 

[PatriceA]

Well, the OP just converted during last Easter Vigal, so I’m assuming that he is a good guy. I might add that my present wife and I are into a 24 year marriage, and we both agree not to associate with divorced couples, and absolutely no singles or divorced singles.

The reason I received the Sacrament of Marriage twice in my life is because I didn’t waste my time on single women who were playing a game to see how much they could get.

FYI, men play the same game of seeing how much they can get. Like I said, its not women only that behave badly when dating.

And I agree with the previous poster, by not associating with divorced or single peole, you may be missing out on God calling you and your wife to be a witness to a strong marriage by only associating with other married people. Single and divorced people NEED married couples in their lives.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Well, if you feel that’s necessary, so be it. But I feel sorry for you and your wife - you are missing out on a lot of great friendships by limiting yourselves in such a manner.

All that policy does is show a lack of trust.