The thing that stinks most about dating

[Marc_Anthony]

Being stuck at the friend zone can be highly confusing. D:

I imagine the Friend Zone to be something like Purgatory, actually…it feels like Hell when you’re in there but one way or another you’re getting out eventually

 

[Crescentinus]

I imagine the Friend Zone to be something like Purgatory, actually…it feels like Hell when you’re in there but one way or another you’re getting out eventually

No, it’s a dilemma.
On one hand, you have friendship. On the other hand, there’s a longing for romance.

 

[Marc_Anthony]

No, it’s a dilemma.
On one hand, you have friendship. On the other hand, there’s a longing for romance.

Of course you’re right. Just keeping it lighthearted.

 

[LotusCarsLtd]

No, it’s a dilemma.
On one hand, you have friendship. On the other hand, there’s a longing for romance.

No real dilemma really…usually when we’re stuck in the friend zone we never get out, even if ultimately we’re the best match for the lady in question.

 

[AthenaC]

No real dilemma really…usually when we’re stuck in the friend zone we never get out, even if ultimately we’re the best match for the lady in question.

And I feel for you guys stuck in the friend zone. But surely I can’t be the only woman who doesn’t have a natural friend zone … ? Surely you’ve met women that find friends attractive. I do occasionally hear from women who would like nothing more than to date a guy friend who apparently has an inability to see her as a girl (read: someone he would date).

 

[Crescentinus]

And I feel for you guys stuck in the friend zone. But surely I can’t be the only woman who doesn’t have a natural friend zone … ? Surely you’ve met women that find friends attractive. I do occasionally hear from women who would like nothing more than to date a guy friend who apparently has an inability to see her as a girl (read: someone he would date).

Wait, what? I don’t get it.
Why would a woman date a guy who has an inability to see her as a woman?

 

[Marc_Anthony]

Another thing to point out, and this is significant: Sometimes when guys say they won’t ask a girl out because they “know” the girl won’t be interested in them, they’re right.

Twice I’ve liked a girl (liked in the sense of wanting to ask her out) but didn’t say anything to her because I knew, and I mean KNEW, I’d be rejected.

I learned later, after I had gotten over them and gotten my current girlfriend, that I was right both times.

Guys sometimes aren’t as clueless as they seem.

 

[AthenaC]

Wait, what? I don’t get it.
Why would a woman date a guy who has an inability to see her as a woman?

I see I wasn’t clear. The situation was: boy and girl are friends. Girl likes boy, but boy sees girl as just a friend, “one of the guys” type friend. Girl wonders how she can get boy to see her as someone he could date, in other words, see her as a girl.

Make more sense?

 

[Crescentinus]

I see I wasn’t clear. The situation was: boy and girl are friends. Girl likes boy, but boy sees girl as just a friend, “one of the guys” type friend. Girl wonders how she can get boy to see her as someone he could date, in other words, see her as a girl.

Make more sense?

Thanks. Now, it makes more sense. I thought that you were introducing something which is alien to me. O:
The whole “Girl wonders how she can get boy to see her as someone he could date, in other words, see her as a girl.” part is something I tend to see a lot in Korean dramas lately. O:
In my case, it’s “Boy wonders how he can get girl to see him as someone she could date, in other words, see him as a boy.”

 

[AthenaC]

Another thing to point out, and this is significant: Sometimes when guys say they won’t ask a girl out because they “know” the girl won’t be interested in them, they’re right.

Twice I’ve liked a girl (liked in the sense of wanting to ask her out) but didn’t say anything to her because I knew, and I mean KNEW, I’d be rejected.

I learned later, after I had gotten over them and gotten my current girlfriend, that I was right both times.

Guys sometimes aren’t as clueless as they seem.

If you say so, I am in no position to tell you you’re wrong in all cases.

However, as I have mentioned, I have seen multiple situations where boy and girl like each other, girl waits for guy to say something, guy doesn’t say something because he “just knows” the girl won’t be interested. Then the girl goes out with another guy who does say something, and the first guy takes it as incontrovertible evidence that girl wasn’t interested in him in the first place.

So be careful with all that.

 

[Marc_Anthony]

If you say so, I am in no position to tell you you’re wrong in all cases.

However, as I have mentioned, I have seen multiple situations where boy and girl like each other, girl waits for guy to say something, guy doesn’t say something because he “just knows” the girl won’t be interested. Then the girl goes out with another guy who does say something, and the first guy takes it as incontrovertible evidence that girl wasn’t interested in him in the first place.

So be careful with all that.

I’ve seen it happen too. But trust me, I have complete certainty I was right in the two cases I mentioned.

I’m not sure how in the minority I am on this, but I bet that guys have this happen to them a lot. They just don’t say so, because who likes to admit that they like somebody they know won’t take them?

In my case the only people I told were my two closest friends, both of whom were leaving my school the next year (I knew how the rumor mill worked and I didn’t want the story to spread).

Most people probably wouldn’t tell anybody at all.

 

[chevalier]

No real dilemma really…usually when we’re stuck in the friend zone we never get out, even if ultimately we’re the best match for the lady in question.

This may be poor consolation to you but if she doesn’t want you, then you two are probably not a good match. This may just be very hard for you to believe because you’d like to believe she’s your soulmate etc. Truth be told, some other guy may be a better match for her than you because they’d be more mutually compatible, and also she might not be the best match for you either (your match would be more into you).

For the record, some women (presumably young ones with some bad experience and a pessimistic attitude about love) believe relationship attempts to be risky and flighty affairs, so if they like a guy and they want to keep him around forever, they make him mahram.

Wait, what? I don’t get it.
Why would a woman date a guy who has an inability to see her as a woman?

Challenge.

Or she has that evolutionary thinking bug which makes her think that a man who doesn’t want her, e.g. isn’t thrilled by her, doesn’t seem to be charmed, isn’t trying to gain her favour, isn’t treating her well etc., is therefore a better catch (better class of a man) than a man who seems to be more eager.

Or she might be hopelessly in love with that guy just as much as you are with her.

 

[Crescentinus]

Challenge.

Or she has that evolutionary thinking bug which makes her think that a man who doesn’t want her, e.g. isn’t thrilled by her, doesn’t seem to be charmed, isn’t trying to gain her favour, isn’t treating her well etc., is therefore a better catch (better class of a man) than a man who seems to be more eager.

Or she might be hopelessly in love with that guy just as much as you are with her.

It still looks a little odd to me. O:

 

[chevalier]

Another thing to point out, and this is significant: Sometimes when guys say they won’t ask a girl out because they “know” the girl won’t be interested in them, they’re right.

Twice I’ve liked a girl (liked in the sense of wanting to ask her out) but didn’t say anything to her because I knew, and I mean KNEW, I’d be rejected.

I learned later, after I had gotten over them and gotten my current girlfriend, that I was right both times.

Guys sometimes aren’t as clueless as they seem.

I was wrong once when I was 17 or so. After a very unexpected start, she deferred a rendezvous for reasons that were good but I didn’t really have a way of verifying and I was very insecure back at the time. I thought she was letting me down, never tried again. Since she was a cousin of my best buddy, I eventually learnt from that source that she had actually been interested and was not letting me down in that fateful conversation. But she already had someone else at that point, so I stood away. They’re married now, hope he’s a good one. Better to ask than to presume.

Then there was a girl (well, she was almost 30, as was I but anyway) I was sure was making moves on me. In fact, I still am, because that’s like the most basic part of body language to read and it’s not like body language was the only data. It kinda almost felt like either she or life itself enjoyed the surprise and the ability to cut it all off, except she wasn’t really that mean. If anything, she was confused.

Anyway, you can be wrong either way. Better ask than presume. Just don’t ask about too much too early, as in date is date, enjoying your company is enjoying your company, would like to meet you some time next week is would like to meet you some time next week. Life-altering questions tend to scare unprepared people (and they may decide no, a defensive reflex, and then be reluctant to go back on a decision already made).

It still looks a little odd to me. O:

Never said it looked normal to me either!

 

[chevalier]

If you say so, I am in no position to tell you you’re wrong in all cases.

However, as I have mentioned, I have seen multiple situations where boy and girl like each other, girl waits for guy to say something, guy doesn’t say something because he “just knows” the girl won’t be interested. Then the girl goes out with another guy who does say something, and the first guy takes it as incontrovertible evidence that girl wasn’t interested in him in the first place.

So be careful with all that.

That’s how the more active men win the women, as opposed to nicer, more pleasant, whatever. As a side note, this shouldn’t really deprive young men of their sleep as if you force yourself to be more proactive than you’d normally be, you can still be let down. There’s no science to finding the right balance and it’s all about finally finding someone compatible with you, who has a compatible style of communication. You need to be able to be yourself, so it doesn’t really make much sense to pretend to be more open or more blunt than you really are. But don’t stall, yeah.

I’m not sure how in the minority I am on this, but I bet that guys have this happen to them a lot. They just don’t say so, because who likes to admit that they like somebody they know won’t take them?

Some do. Hopeless romantics or guys who don’t care excessively about peer opinion.

 

[Crescentinus]

Never said it looked normal to me either!

I am weird, and the idea that some women would date a guy who doesn’t see them as women is a little odd to me. Must be because I am a hopeless romantic.

 

[chevalier]

I am weird, and the idea that some women would date a guy who doesn’t see them as women is a little odd to me. Must be because I am a hopeless romantic.

No, it’s not like that. She wants to make him see her as a woman. To prove herself. Gain the confidence. Just one of the possibilities, sometimes there’s a different reason, e.g. example of parents or she thinks she’s undeserving.

 

[Crescentinus]

No, it’s not like that. She wants to make him see her as a woman. To prove herself. Gain the confidence. Just one of the possibilities, sometimes there’s a different reason, e.g. example of parents or she thinks she’s undeserving.

You have a point. It somewhat reminds me of my situation, but in reverse.
Meanwhile, I am still a hopeless romantic.

 

[chevalier]

You have a point. It somewhat reminds me of my situation, but in reverse.
Meanwhile, I am still a hopeless romantic.

Don’t waste your life on that. Get active, get better, get happier. If you stumble into a girl who likes you, she won’t be that easy to lose and meanwhile don’t get side-tracked by chasing drama queens and distracting yourself from completing your education and getting a job. From the perspective of time, I wish I could convert my girl chasing time into study time but you can’t do this retroactively.

Also, the drama is not good for your health. Neither physical nor mental. A man’s got to be tough and even a little rough around the edges. Don’t get too soft from the emo thing.

 

[Crescentinus]

Don’t waste your life on that. Get active, get better, get happier. If you stumble into a girl who likes you, she won’t be that easy to lose and meanwhile don’t get side-tracked by chasing drama queens and distracting yourself from completing your education and getting a job. From the perspective of time, I wish I could convert my girl chasing time into study time but you can’t do this retroactively.

Also, the drama is not good for your health. Neither physical nor mental. A man’s got to be tough and even a little rough around the edges. Don’t get too soft from the emo thing.

I gave up chasing the foolish drama queens long ago. Had I not done so, my wrath would have been poured on them.
Refer to this thread: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=682951&page=12