There have been some petty posts lately...VENT

[1990Domer]

I have to admit I am often not the most eloquent in writing, especially under stress, but I need to say there have been several uncharitable and downright petty posts by people who cannot possibly discern what is going in a person’s life. It’s an anonymous forum, for goodness sake. Nobody here should pass any judgement or even guess as to another’s motives.

And yes, I was part of the problem and want to be part of the solution. It’s been a horribly stressful summer, and I am fallen and have made mistakes. Thankfully, I have a great priest and a loving family unit. Yes, having two members of my family on the spectrum is tough (husband and son), but it’s a cross I’ve been given and am thankful to God that He has entrusted me with it.

 

[pianistclare]

I don’t think it’s a problem of pettiness, frankly.
It’s the fact that people post and think they have the best idea ever!!! And others, maybe with more experience, or maybe just another opinion weigh in and are labeled as “mean”, “harsh” “uncharitable” (that’s my personal fave) and “just plain wrong”.

I think your posts have been fine. Did someone pick on you?
Sorry if they did. I remember when I first got here, I got the newbie bar-b-que treatment. Silly me. I thought I could speak frankly.

Anyway, I am more inclined to rant about people who cannot frame a simple opening statement.
Or OP’s that clearly ask a question, but in their mind, it’s a statement of truth, requiring no discussion, only support and praise.


That’s more tedious to me.
Just state your opinion, and label it as such.,
Or simply ask a question and deal with the responses already.

But as I said, I’ve found most everyone to be really nice, helpful, and the level of scholarship of some is really high. I know to avoid certain problematic and angry folks, and some forums I just don’t go into. I really wish they would color code the forums to make that easier, but no one like that idea, LOL. (there’s an “ignore” function, btw)

Don’t sweat it.
Now that you’ve gotten it off your chest, be at peace. We’re all a work in progress, and I’m sure there are folks that can’t stand my posts either.
Oh well.

 

[1990Domer]

I don’t think it’s a problem of pettiness, frankly.
It’s the fact that people post and think they have the best idea ever!!! And others, maybe with more experience, or maybe just another opinion weigh in and are labeled as “mean”, “harsh” “uncharitable” (that’s my personal fave) and “just plain wrong”.

I think your posts have been fine. Did someone pick on you?
Sorry if they did. I remember when I first got here, I got the newbie bar-b-que treatment. Silly me. I thought I could speak frankly.

Anyway, I am more inclined to rant about people who cannot frame a simple opening statement.
Or OP’s that clearly ask a question, but in their mind, it’s a statement of truth, requiring no discussion, only support and praise.


That’s more tedious to me.
Just state your opinion, and label it as such.,
Or simply ask a question and deal with the responses already.

But as I said, I’ve found most everyone to be really nice, helpful, and the level of scholarship of some is really high. I know to avoid certain problematic and angry folks, and some forums I just don’t go into. I really wish they would color code the forums to make that easier, but no one like that idea, LOL. (there’s an “ignore” function, btw)

Don’t sweat it.
Now that you’ve gotten it off your chest, be at peace. We’re all a work in progress, and I’m sure there are folks that can’t stand my posts either.
Oh well.

You are a saint! Thank you for making me smile. Yes, I am naive and sheltered and try not to read malice into anything. And yes,you are probably right–some may feel they do have the best answer or understand the situation perfectly. Trust me, being the parent of a child on the autism spectrum (and possibly a DH as well), I never feel like I have anything figured out. I really try to offer prayer and support.

And thank you for commenting on the post asking for advice on invisible disabilities. I learned I have to present it TWICE! I am so scared. But I am offering this up to my dear friend’s husband, who may not live past this week. So incredibly heart-broken.

God bless you!

 

[pianistclare]

You are a saint! Thank you for making me smile. Yes, I am naive and sheltered and try not to read malice into anything. And yes,you are probably right–some may feel they do have the best answer or understand the situation perfectly. Trust me, being the parent of a child on the autism spectrum (and possibly a DH as well), I never feel like I have anything figured out. I really try to offer prayer and support.

And thank you for commenting on the post asking for advice on invisible disabilities. I learned I have to present it TWICE! I am so scared. But I am offering this up to my dear friend’s husband, who may not live past this week. So incredibly heart-broken.

God bless you!

I’ll keep them and yourself in my prayers.
FYI:
Poster “Xantippe” is super knowledgably about people on the Autism spectrum. Pick her brain. She’s a very educated and generous woman.

 

[pensmama87]

I have to admit I am often not the most eloquent in writing, especially under stress, but I need to say there have been several uncharitable and downright petty posts by people who cannot possibly discern what is going in a person’s life. It’s an anonymous forum, for goodness sake. Nobody here should pass any judgement or even guess as to another’s motives.

And yes, I was part of the problem and want to be part of the solution. It’s been a horribly stressful summer, and I am fallen and have made mistakes. Thankfully, I have a great priest and a loving family unit. Yes, having two members of my family on the spectrum is tough (husband and son), but it’s a cross I’ve been given and am thankful to God that He has entrusted me with it.

Sometimes tone can be genuinely hard to read, as well. I know I have posted things that I meant as simple questions for clarification or because a previous poster made a comment that reminded me of something pertinent but not exactly relating to the OP’s question or main issue, and afterwards I have thought, “You know, that probably wasn’t very helpful/could have been taken the wrong way/etc.”

I do make very liberal use of the ignore function. I didn’t used to, but there are some posters, especially on certain topics, that I just know I can’t read without getting angry. The trick is to then not click on “view post” or wonder who’s thinking the same thing about you.

Some of it, too, is just building a thick skin. That is hard! I am a sensitive person myself and sometimes I am just like “come onnnnnnnnnn already!” but it just doesn’t click. And sometimes I have been given advice that at first I thought was mean but after reflection realized that there was something valuable in it after all (even if clumsily offered.) I have learned to be especially aware of that if the advice comes from somebody who ordinarily I have a lot of respect for, but for whatever reason when they’re addressing me I find myself getting really ticked off. They could be having an off day - or maybe it’s just me.

And breaks help too now and then.

 

[1990Domer]

I’ll keep them and yourself in my prayers.
FYI:
Poster “Xantippe” is super knowledgably about people on the Autism spectrum. Pick her brain. She’s a very educated and generous woman.

Thank you. She was also kind in giving me suggestions. I feel I have my son figured out…it’s the lack of tolerance and bullying I don’t.

 

[ClearWater]

It’s been said, “Honesty without compassion and understanding is but subtle hostility”. Rose N. Franzblau

I haven’t been on CAF of late, but some of the posts when I was were abusive. Examples start like, “You should…” or “Even you should …”, “We all know why you …” What’s abusive is implied, not directly stated. For instance, “Even you should”… implies that there is something wrong with the person. Since the abusiveness is implied, the moderators can’t do much about it.

In a book I read some years ago, “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense” by Suzette Haden Elgin. A number of people on CAF are in what they termed “Blamer mode”.

If someone thinks your style of communication is abusive, take an honest look at that.
It is possible to communicate even disagreement with tact.

With verbal abuse, it is different than physical abuse. With physical abuse, you at least know you were punched. Some people can do verbal abuse with a smile, but meanwhile, you feel like you were just verbally punched maybe because you were.

When there are arguments on CAF, it generally started with a blaming statement, and the person either responds defensively or with an attack. If we go back and look at it, that’s how it starts.

I’ve gone through threads that were closed down due to fighting, seen where the verbal abuse began. It deteriorates from there. One person will get blamed, but you can retrace see who started it. It starts with one verbally abusive statement.

It would be nice to communicate without put downs, more gently.

Yeah, I too have had times I have gotten wound on a subject, but the longer I am in this, the more I realize that while putting people down might make us feel right. It does little to convince or persuade, though.

If one really wants to persuade, diplomacy works much better.

My two cents…:twocents:

 

[ClearWater]

Oh, and there has sometimes been a lot of sarcasm. If someone is using a lot of these kinds of smilies…:tsktsk::dts::ehh: , the conversation is probably already abusive.

 

[1990Domer]

Sometimes tone can be genuinely hard to read, as well. I know I have posted things that I meant as simple questions for clarification or because a previous poster made a comment that reminded me of something pertinent but not exactly relating to the OP’s question or main issue, and afterwards I have thought, “You know, that probably wasn’t very helpful/could have been taken the wrong way/etc.”

I do make very liberal use of the ignore function. I didn’t used to, but there are some posters, especially on certain topics, that I just know I can’t read without getting angry. The trick is to then not click on “view post” or wonder who’s thinking the same thing about you.

Some of it, too, is just building a thick skin. That is hard! I am a sensitive person myself and sometimes I am just like “come onnnnnnnnnn already!” but it just doesn’t click. And sometimes I have been given advice that at first I thought was mean but after reflection realized that there was something valuable in it after all (even if clumsily offered.) I have learned to be especially aware of that if the advice comes from somebody who ordinarily I have a lot of respect for, but for whatever reason when they’re addressing me I find myself getting really ticked off. They could be having an off day - or maybe it’s just me.

And breaks help too now and then.

Thank you for your kind words. My emotions tend to rise and fall with my son’s. I hate to see him getting picked on or taken advantage of. He is so innocent. And his two best buddies are soon going to be fatherless because of pancreatic cancer. I think a break is warranted. I need to stay strong for my family and my dear friend’s family.

 

[1990Domer]

It’s been said, “Honesty without compassion and understanding is but subtle hostility”. Rose N. Franzblau

I haven’t been on CAF of late, but some of the posts when I was were abusive. Examples start like, “You should…” or “Even you should …”, “We all know why you …” What’s abusive is implied, not directly stated. For instance, “Even you should”… implies that there is something wrong with the person. Since the abusiveness is implied, the moderators can’t do much about it.

In a book I read some years ago, “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense” by Suzette Haden Elgin. A number of people on CAF are in what they termed “Blamer mode”.

If someone thinks your style of communication is abusive, take an honest look at that.
It is possible to communicate even disagreement with tact.

With verbal abuse, it is different than physical abuse. With physical abuse, you at least know you were punched. Some people can do verbal abuse with a smile, but meanwhile, you feel like you were just verbally punched maybe because you were.

When there are arguments on CAF, it generally started with a blaming statement, and the person either responds defensively or with an attack. If we go back and look at it, that’s how it starts.

I’ve gone through threads that were closed down due to fighting, seen where the verbal abuse began. It deteriorates from there. One person will get blamed, but you can retrace see who started it. It starts with one verbally abusive statement.

It would be nice to communicate without put downs, more gently.

Yeah, I too have had times I have gotten wound on a subject, but the longer I am in this, the more I realize that while putting people down might make us feel right. It does little to convince or persuade, though.

If one really wants to persuade, diplomacy works much better.

My two cents…:twocents:

Excellent post. I will follow the Pope’s lead…“who am I to judge?”

 

[pianistclare]

Also, some people have no clue how they appear in their words.
No clue.
It’s a Catholic site, and I know we welcome other ideas and genuine inquiry…
but when people weigh in with odd comments, or clearly non-Catholic notions, yet claim to be Catholic…it can get under people’s skin.
The ignore function can be your friend.

 

[underacloud]

Oh, and there has sometimes been a lot of sarcasm.

Even you should know that sometimes sarcasm is non-malicious and often simply missed. (see what I did there…“even you…”)

Unfortunately, I have a very dry sense of humour and can be quite sarcastic (non-maliciously), but in the written form it can be easily missed and considered rude. I do try though.

I think it happens quite often that posts are interpreted as being far harsher than they are intended, since tone is absent.

If someone is using a lot of these kinds of smilies…:tsktsk::dts::ehh: , the conversation is probably already abusive.

Yes, the use of certain smilies can be very rude.

In particular, the use of eye-rolling or rolling-around-laughing are merely tools to dismiss someone else’s opinion as clearly absurd. And they are rarely acompanied by any reasonable argument or assessment of the other’s position - just an attempt to dismiss them out of hand - and that is generally very rude.

 

[pianistclare]

Even you should know that sometimes sarcasm is non-malicious and often simply missed. (see what I did there…“even you…”)

Unfortunately, I have a very dry sense of humour and can be quite sarcastic (non-maliciously), but in the written form it can be easily missed and considered rude. I do try though.

I think it happens quite often that posts are interpreted as being far harsher than they are intended, since tone is absent.

Yes, the use of certain smilies can be very rude.

In particular, the use of eye-rolling or rolling-around-laughing are merely tools to dismiss someone else’s opinion as clearly absurd. And they are rarely acompanied by any reasonable argument or assessment of the other’s position - just an attempt to dismiss them out of hand - and that is generally very rude.

 

[underacloud]

In general, I think people write a lot more bluntly than they would speak in person. It’s hard to say whether that’s a natural effect of expressing one’s thoughts in a written form or whether some people simply feel they can get away with more since it’s annonymous. I think in internet forums, as in real life, we should be prepared in the first instance to assume the best in other people, and to interpret their posts in the most favourable light possible.

Some posters out themselves over time as argumentative troublemakers, and you learn to ingore them as best you can.

 

[johnnyc176]

I have to admit I am often not the most eloquent in writing, especially under stress, but I need to say there have been several uncharitable and downright petty posts by people who cannot possibly discern what is going in a person’s life. It’s an anonymous forum, for goodness sake. Nobody here should pass any judgement or even guess as to another’s motives.

And yes, I was part of the problem and want to be part of the solution. It’s been a horribly stressful summer, and I am fallen and have made mistakes. Thankfully, I have a great priest and a loving family unit. Yes, having two members of my family on the spectrum is tough (husband and son), but it’s a cross I’ve been given and am thankful to God that He has entrusted me with it.

I wonder sometimes why anyone would want to post some of these issues (family) on a forum like this. I can maybe understand if one did not have close friends to share their concerns with but even then why not approach a priest to get advice through the mind of Christ and His Church, the Catholic Church. As you have found apparently, that’s not always the case on this forum lol. Is it just a matter of finding commiseration?

 

[Xantippe]

I wonder sometimes why anyone would want to post some of these issues (family) on a forum like this. I can maybe understand if one did not have close friends to share their concerns with but even then why not approach a priest to get advice through the mind of Christ and His Church, the Catholic Church. As you have found apparently, that’s not always the case on this forum lol. Is it just a matter of finding commiseration?

Well, if you’re having a major issue with your spouse, you really should not be airing it to friends and family, unless it’s big enough that divorce is in the air. Spouses should, under normal circumstances, present each other to friends and family in the best possible light, and shouldn’t share private information with people that they will each have to see regularly, especially information that those people can’t possibly forget.

People on CAF are often told to talk to their priest, doctor or to get a marriage counselor, but that’s when it’s clear that in-person intervention is necessary. A lot of times, the answer is as simple as, “Hey! Stop talking to your mom (or dad) about your issues with your husband (or wife)!” or “Why don’t you wait a month or two and see if things get better?”

It’s easy to say, “Go talk to your priest!” but the truth is that a lot of posters are going to find the logistics of that very difficult, what with work schedules or childcare responsibilities or finances. You can’t take your school age kids to an appointment where you talk to Father about the fact that your husband insists on using withdrawal…Plus there’s the embarrassment factor if you live in a small community, Father is the only priest available in your area, and you are active in the parish.

 

[Allegra]

Keep in mind that when posters ask for advice about their personal life, there is rarely enough information available for a complete stranger to make a judgment about the situation. Well-meaning posters tend to fill in the blanks by interjecting their own personal experiences. This is difficult because the OP’s situation may not be exactly like the situation a poster experienced, even if it was similar in some way. Therefore, I think it’s best not to make accusations, even if you think the poster is very likely completely full of it.

 

[Virga]

Keep in mind that when posters ask for advice about their personal life, there is rarely enough information available for a complete stranger to make a judgment about the situation. Well-meaning posters tend to fill in the blanks by interjecting their own personal experiences. This is difficult because the OP’s situation may not be exactly like the situation a poster experienced, even if it was similar in some way. Therefore, I think it’s best not to make accusations, even if you think the poster is very likely completely full of it.

Yeah… I often catch myself projecting my own experiences onto others when reading threads. When there’s a lack of information, I tend to assume they have similar experiences to my own. Or sometimes, I end up defending against another person’s response, because it feels like it’s an attack I’ve experienced before.

Now, my posts usually contain something like “in my experience…” or similar phrases to mitigate the possibility of offending someone with my assumptions.

I used to use and liberally… Ironically, they were purposely inserted to make my post appear more lighthearted. To my horror, some smileys don’t mean what I thought they meant. I used to use the kissy face ‘3’ a lot on other forums! Thinking it was some sort of pondering pout…

 

[Mary_Estelle]

What I wonder about is not the petty nature of people, but how anyone finds the time to post thousands of replies.

 

[pianistclare]

What I wonder about is not the petty nature of people, but how anyone finds the time to post thousands of replies.

The games go very quickly. You can be online for an hour and rack up a quick 30 posts in a game.