Things women do that disappoint their boyfriend

[Xantippe]

Forcing him to pick between you and a (well-rounded) friend, family, well-being or hobby

[snip]

**Manipulating him
**

[snip]

Locking him out if a residence is shared

[snip]

Wanting to be more with other people than him (this could include his own family)

[snip]

Wiping him out financially, living beyond means

A lot of those are important and have application to either sex, but they don’t really seem “disappointing”. A few more quibbles:

1. There are situations where one really has to choose between a significant other and a friend, hobby, or family–if the family is disrespectful to the relationship, the hobby is all-consuming (in a way that would interfere with a happy family life), or if the friend is a ne’er-do-well. Hence, the old “leave and cleave.”

One shouldn’t need to choose between a significant other and a normal life (as far as circumstances allow), but there are many cases where one’s hobbies, friends, or family could stand in the way of having a normal life. (For example, there are a lot of video game widows/single moms, and there are a lot of women who hate their boyfriend’s or husband’s heavy pot use.) Even when the hobby, friendship, or family relationship isn’t bad in itself, it could be out of proportion to the needs of the family or couple, or it could feel like the relationship is getting put at the bottom of the priority list. Here’s an example of disproportionality and being de-prioritized:

captainawkward.com/2017/08/22/1014-my-partner-wants-my-permission-to-ditch-plans-with-me-for-other-plans/

Later on, you say “Wanting to be more with other people than him (this could include his own family).” So, friends, family and hobbies **can **be a problem…

1. Are there real channels for communication available?

A lot of times, people turn to manipulation because there is no official channel for disagreement and conflict resolution. For example, the whole “neck turns the head” model of traditional wife-ing is based on the fact that the wife does not have official power in the family, and needs to yank on the husband’s strings in order to have a voice in the family.

So, if one dislikes manipulation, one should make sure that the other person has a real voice in the relationship.

I’ve heard from other people that came out of bad family situations that manipulation is a survival strategy–so people from dysfunctional families of origin might need to put a lot of effort into unlearning reflexes that they learned while growing up.

1. Why are we cohabitating while not married?
2. Are we sure that the guy isn’t attracted to this kind of woman because he thinks of them as being sexy, feminine behaviors? A lot of these behaviors may be flattering or seductive in small doses or at the beginning of a relationship. Naive, inexperienced or immature people often enjoy drama-loving partners–at least at first. It’s over time that drama becomes exhausting and annoying.
3. Why would a girlfriend be financially dependent on a boyfriend (or vice versa)?

People who are just dating should not have their finances intertwined and neither should be a financial drain on the other.

Does the guy here have a problem with only being able to see damsels in distress/constant crisis as sexy? That’s worth looking at (perhaps with a therapist). Lord knows there are many single women who support themselves and value their own financial independence, so a guy who only winds up with golddiggers needs to reexamine his lifestyle and his choices. (For example, does he insist on only dating women who are much poorer and/or younger than himself?)

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Aside from the couple of these that seem petty, why would you have a girlfriend like this long enough to be disappointed in her? Most of these are deal breakers from the get-go.

Right, and they would be deal breakers if a man did them to a woman also. This stuff is not about “emasculating”, rather it’s reflecting pure selfishness, immaturity, and a basic disrespect for the other person as a human being.

 

[Augustine]

Next day she came to work wearing an engagement ring. He had it for ages but did not have the courage to propose.

And if she had not said anything and just broken up, no marriage.

Which begs the question why she married a wuss…

 

[Augustine]

I had a friend who, on the eve of her 30th birthday, complained to me that her boyfriend of five or six years standing, seemed to have no intention of proposing to her.

In other words, both made a practical calculation about marriage, which is not a good reason to marry. Fortunately, God makes lemonade out of lemons.

 

[Xantippe]

Right, and they would be deal breakers if a man did them to a woman also. This stuff is not about “emasculating”, rather it’s reflecting pure selfishness, immaturity, and a basic disrespect for the other person as a human being.

Right.

 

[pianistclare]

I would feel emasculated if my girlfriend used the word “tooken”.

Sorry, that made me laugh so hard I spit my coffee out…

Back to the regularly scheduled thread.

 

[pianistclare]

One of the worst: Comparing him to other men, especially previous boyfriends

Nit picking

Saying “you’re doing X wrong”

Disrespecting his family

Picking on cultural differences

Not letting him speak or make decisions

Constantly checking in on him

Not being gracious, saying thank you

Accusing them of thoughts or behavior

Not letting go of the past between you

Using his past against him

Making him contact you several times a day

Forcing him to pick between you and a (well-rounded) friend, family, well-being or hobby

Not understanding work commitments

Not accepting or being tough if he has children

Picking on him if he has a disability or flaw in appearance

Manipulating him

Having unrealistic expectations, being materialistic, wanting him for money or status

Just want to be with him to have a baby

Become physically abusive- slapping, hitting, throwing things

Locking him out if a residence is shared

Being with someone because another person (family) expects you to

Just want to be with him to say that you are in a relationship or to be married

Desiring to be like other peers who are getting married for fear of being left out

Being with him for personal gain (career, financial security or social advancement)

Implying the person is a “trophy husband” or eye/arm candy

Regularly going through texts/emails/mail/social media accounts

Double standards- I can do this but you can’t

Being inconsiderate, especially if he is sick or going through a tough time

Holding him back from reasonable and achievable life goals

Wanting to be more with other people than him (this could include his own family)

Hiding debts, criminal history, addictions, indiscretions from him

Sneaking around/cheating

Wiping him out financially, living beyond means

Not being physically affectionate as appropriate in dating or desiring sex in the context of future marriage

Not attempting to learn/spend time with his family or learn about his background/culture

Shutting down, freezing out, poor communication

Seems like too much to have been experienced by one person. A person who experiences all this much be very bad at picking a mate, IMHO. Yikes.

 

[queen_of_ely]

There are so many things that could make people disappointed, not necessarily something outrightly wrong. It is quite specific to individuals and so I think to get the best answer would be by asking your partner, what you do, that gets him dissappointed.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

1. Speaking badly of Boyfriend
2. Constant fault-finding; contempt
3. Expecting Boyfriend to read her mind
4. Telling Boyfriend to do something, then berating him for doing it wrong
5. Dishonesty with Boyfriend
6. Infidelity

One of the worst: Comparing him to other men, especially previous boyfriends

Nit picking

Saying “you’re doing X wrong”

Disrespecting his family

Picking on cultural differences

Not letting him speak or make decisions

Constantly checking in on him

Not being gracious, saying thank you

Accusing them of thoughts or behavior

Not letting go of the past between you

Using his past against him

.
.
.
.

Don’t care what this is called, emasculating, irritating or just plain inconsiderate, I do a poor job excusing or otherwise putting up with bad conduct. Enough of it and I will not hesitate to show myself out the door.

 

[Xantippe]

Don’t care what this is called, emasculating, irritating or just plain inconsiderate, I do a poor job excusing or otherwise putting up with bad conduct. Enough of it and I will not hesitate to show myself out the door.

That’s the right thing to do, but then the question arises–what am I doing to help me meet good people?

If everybody one meets is terrible, maybe there’s a problem with the selection process?

 

[Roseeurekacross]

Which begs the question why she married a wuss…

He had the ring for months. just hadnt worked out the right time, had the confidence, he says courage, any number of things. Aussie men can be such delicate creatures . Affairs of the heart can be complicated when young and in love.

They are happily married, have kids, he is in politics now, started out young in that field and has been re elected two or three times. He is very confident in public life. Just awestruck by his beautiful wife.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

That’s the right thing to do, but then the question arises–what am I doing to help me meet good people?

If everybody one meets is terrible, maybe there’s a problem with the selection process?

Not everyone I meet is terrible. It may just be chemistry. Or lack of attraction. That happens a lot too.

 

[NonTimendum]

Disagreeing with and or contradicting your man in public.

 

[macstar]

The problem isn’t meeting people like this (they’re everywhere, church included). The problem is letting them in/allowing them to stay in your life.

 

[macstar]

Disagreeing with and or contradicting your man in public.

Yes, Dad.

Re: disagreeing- so there cannot be a respectful difference in opinion? And the woman has to agree with everything the man says?

Re: contradicting- what if the person is factually incorrect, such as quoting the price of an item?

 

[1neophyte]

Yes, Dad.

Re: disagreeing- so there cannot be a respectful difference in opinion? And the woman has to agree with everything the man says?

Re: contradicting- what if the person is factually incorrect, such as the price on an item?

Did you miss the “in public” part?

 

[macstar]

Did you miss the “in public” part?

Yes, I saw that. I hope you saw the word “respectful.”

Sounds like there may be an issue with pride or control. And the male may have some insecurities.

A person wants a partner, not a parent or child. It’s pretty sick if a male wants to treat a female like a child or vice versa.

 

[NonTimendum]

Yes, Dad.

Re: disagreeing- so there cannot be a respectful difference in opinion? And the woman has to agree with everything the man says?

Re: contradicting- what if the person is factually incorrect, such as the price on an item?

I din’t think a woman should disagree with her man in public. It is disrespectful to take sides against your family. On substantial issues definitely, and on little things it depends on the nature of the disagreement. If he says “movie X is the best ever” and she says “I like movie Y” or “I hate that movie!” that isn’t really a big deal.

Even if the man is wrong, unless it is a life or death situation, the woman should wait until they are in private to voice her disagreement and contradiction. He is the leader and as far as the public is concerned there should be no space between them, they should present a united front. However, he can disagree and contradict her in public because he is the leader and she should humbly accept the correction as long as they are in public. Rip him up in private if you want (not a good idea but not as emasculating) but in public allow him to be seen clearly as the boss.

Some men don’t care and that is fine for them, but I would hazard a guess and say many more men do care than would admit it. Most men who bring up any real issues in topics like this are instantly set upon by both men and women in a bullying campaign to emasculate them as insecure and weak for not wanting a Strong Independent Womyn to tell them what to do.

 

[macstar]

I din’t think a woman should disagree with her man in public.

So to clarify, does this go both ways? Should a man not disagree with his woman in public?

 

[CB_Catholic]

I did not want to derail the thread about women proposing marriage so I am starting this one. On that thread, a few men shared something to the effect that they were planning to propose for months before they did it and if the woman would have proposed it would have tooken the wind out of their sail.

So my question is, what other things could a woman do to make men feel emasculated?

Angie

Well, these men sure had a problem. They were planning to propose for MONTHS and didn’t??? And they think that is acceptable to keep a woman waiting and wondering for so long. They need more than the wind taken out of their sails–they need a boot you-know-where. What is wrong with these men?

They might just feel emasculated because they emasculated themselves with their indecision.
I personally would not want to marry someone like that. Who knows what else he would procrastinate on?