Think my husband is asexual - help, please

[LightBound]

Can a man “force” himself to become “ready” for sex if he’s not interested or able? Plenty here seem to be making the assumption that he can even be in the proper readiness for sex in the first place, were he to “force” himself to do so.

A woman can make herself ready pretty much just by being there - but men need a little bit more to be goin’ on first…

I can’t even believe I’m talking about this.

~Liza

Unfortunately, “pretty much” can be painful for most all women if they aren’t in the mood.

 

[lizaanne]

Unfortunately, “pretty much” can be painful for most all women if they aren’t in the mood.

We aren’t talking about her, or about women. My question was about men.

~Liza

 

[LightBound]

We aren’t talking about her, or about women. My question was about men.

~Liza

But nonetheless…

He still has to pay the “marriage debt”, so he best be dealing with it, lest he be in mortal sin for refusing…(at least that’s what is usually posted on CAF when the wife is the one that isn’t wanting sex anymore).

What goes for the goose also goes for the gander.

 

[The_Bucket]

Can a man “force” himself to become “ready” for sex if he’s not interested or able? Plenty here seem to be making the assumption that he can even be in the proper readiness for sex in the first place, were he to “force” himself to do so.

A woman can make herself ready pretty much just by being there - but men need a little bit more to be goin’ on first…

I can’t even believe I’m talking about this.

~Liza

Interested? Probably. Able? No. If there’s a medical issue then there’s a medical issue. Of course, major psychological issues are basically medical issues so that could play a role too.

I can’t really answer the interested question well because I’m a pretty young guy and I don’t think there would be a situation where I would say “honey not now” if I was getting overt requests from my wife. Maybe if I was really sick. Maybe.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, our attempts at counselling died a death. We cannot get anybody to watch our children. It seems of little consequence now. I am convinced he is asexual. Or has developed asexuality.

I feel nauseous thinking about it. The thought of never having sex again for the rest of my life makes me panicky and absolute furious.

What makes it worse is that there is nothing I can do about it short of get his head checked.

Tonight I feel very sad that we ever married. I love him but cannot, categorically, accept that a long-lasting lack of sexual interest is normal.

What do I do? Just ‘get over it’?

You’re not ready to accept your situaton. You don’t even feel you understand it and you certainly aren’t convinced that it is impossible to change it. So no, don’t try to “just get over it”. That won’t work.

Remember that you are attempting to solve a problem from a very emotional starting-point: scared, panicky, livid, wounded, and so on. It would be unusual if you weren’t feeling all these things, but your feelings are very strong and are undoubtedly tempting you towards catastrophic thinking.

Your husband, meanwhile, may also be in the midst of feelings he doesn’t understand, didn’t ask for, and doesn’t know how to control. Like you, he sees no end to his current emotional state…because he sees it not as an emotional state, but as state of being, a fact. He can imagine some other state exists, but a different outlook doesn’t seem possible for him.

That does not mean that either of you will always feel as you do now. It probably does mean that you will need outside help to put away this hurricane (or drought) of emotion and to look for solutions with the kind of optimism to bring them about.

If it is impossible to get child care, get separate counselling. In fact, based on my experience, I’d say that if you are forced to choose between joint counselling and individual counselling, get individual counselling. You need someone to whom you can talk without self-editting, someone who won’t be hurt if you say things you don’t mean and who won’t be afraid to tell you what you will initally resist hearing. That is something individual counselling can give you that joint counselling won’t.

Don’t try to navigate this alone. Keep trying to get yourself some sound guidance.

 

[bumby]

Just because he won’t go to counseling doesn’t mean you can’t go. No one on a website forum can give you, in a few paragraphs of posting, the kind of help a therapist can give. If there are issues which needs to be dealt with, you need more help than a forum can give you - attitudes, emotion, family stress, financial, medical, hygeine, guilt, infidelity, fear of pregnancy, unemployment/underemployment, fear of losing his job…

Does your husband drink alcohol: wine, beer, other spirits? If so, does he average more than 1 bottle of wine, or 5-6 beers, or 6 ounces of liquor? Do you average more than 1/2 bottle of wine or 3-4 beers, or 4 ounces of liquor? (Women get drunk on less.)

If yes, that could definitely be the cause of the non-existent sex drive. Of course, if yes, you have other probems that are more significant.

I am trying to go on my own but don’t want to leave my kids with strangers. We sometimes have one drink at the weekend with our Sunday roast but that is it. He’s fit and healthy but possibly sleep deprived.

 

[bumby]

What would you do if your husband was involved in some sort of accident and was left without the physical ability to “perform”? Would that somehow be ok? It would be something he would have no control over, so would that make it any easier to accept, or would you still feel “panicky and absolutely furious”?

If he does not have control over his current situation, then why is it any different than if he had a physical limitation? Is it simply because you don’t have anything physical and tangible to point to that makes it impossible to accept?

God promised us sacramental grace in marriage - He did not promise us sex.

~Liza

Liza, he does have control, or I think he must have soemthing. If he was injured then I’d have a reason. Now I have nothing but his insistence he isn’t in the mood. I don’t understand, basically.

God did promise us sex! How would we procreate otherwise?

 

[bumby]

Thank you all so much.

I hope and pray we can get through this.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

There is nothing that anybody can do for you. If you want something done you have to do it yourself. So why do you tolerate his behavior? If I tried something similar with my wife, I’d be in the dog house. I don’t mean that figuratively either, I mean I literally would have to sleep outside with the dogs until I was ready to be a husband again.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

What would you do if your husband was involved in some sort of accident and was left without the physical ability to “perform”? Would that somehow be ok? It would be something he would have no control over, so would that make it any easier to accept, or would you still feel “panicky and absolutely furious”?

If he does not have control over his current situation, then why is it any different than if he had a physical limitation? Is it simply because you don’t have anything physical and tangible to point to that makes it impossible to accept?

God promised us sacramental grace in marriage - He did not promise us sex.

~Liza

Imagine saying the same thing if he didn’t “feel” like going to work, cleaning the house, or going to mass anymore. How long should she tolerate that kind of boorish behavior?

There are a whole lot of things in life that need to be taken care of, like it or not. I am thinking that one’s spouse should be at the top of the list.

 

[TimeEntrance]

Well, our attempts at counselling died a death. We cannot get anybody to watch our children. It seems of little consequence now. I am convinced he is asexual. Or has developed asexuality.

I feel nauseous thinking about it. The thought of never having sex again for the rest of my life makes me panicky and absolute furious.

What makes it worse is that there is nothing I can do about it short of get his head checked.

Tonight I feel very sad that we ever married. I love him but cannot, categorically, accept that a long-lasting lack of sexual interest is normal.

What do I do? Just ‘get over it’?

I don’t know about just getting over it but it may be normal for him if he is asexual.

At least he’s asexual and not homosexual, eh? Maybe I’m of no help.

Is your husband like Al Bundy? There again… at least your husband is not a shoe salesman.

 

[TimeEntrance]

All I can say is that is what I did is accept it. My wife resisted all efforts to discuss a similar situation get counseling etc. After many years I accepted it and I am very happy and still love her and being with her very much. I wouldn’t trade sex with a willing hypothetical wife for not being with her without sex.

Not that much love in the world. For me. Well… maybe if she’s built like a twig. But if she’s built like a brick house there’s going to be some tables flying in the house and children crying if I don’t get what I want. And by “what I want” you know what I mean.

If I marry a twig maybe it is to live on my knees with a halo around my head. Don’t need sex then. But if I marry a woman built like she could be a centerfold in Penthouse… then I’m taking up vices like smoking cigars and drinking one too many glasses of wine and trying to have so many kids with unprotected sex it’s going to give the Democrats and all the “the world is over populated” crowd heart-attacks. And she better be on-board or get on-board for the venture or I’m coming in a drunken, belligerent, SOB every night of the week. :hey_bud:

 

[MarkInOregon]

Well, our attempts at counselling died a death. We cannot get anybody to watch our children. It seems of little consequence now. I am convinced he is asexual. Or has developed asexuality.

I feel nauseous thinking about it. The thought of never having sex again for the rest of my life makes me panicky and absolute furious.

What makes it worse is that there is nothing I can do about it short of get his head checked.

Tonight I feel very sad that we ever married. I love him but cannot, categorically, accept that a long-lasting lack of sexual interest is normal.

What do I do? Just ‘get over it’?

You have received much advice – some of it extolling your husbands duties or marriage debt to you. I am not sure what I can add to what has been said but here are my thoughts:

Love you husband and pray for him. Desire what is best for him. Focus on his needs and not on your own. Love him as Christ loves us. Christ doesn’t think of himself and what we owe him --He loves us unconditionally and wills what is best for us. I suggest that kind of attitude with you husband. That is the kind of attitude or behavior I have tried to adopt with my wife. In my wifes case there are depression issues though for years that was unknown. At times I am successful and at other times less so. Christ didn’t promise us a rose garden he promised us the cross. All any of us can do is love and pray and try to carry whatever cross or crosses we have. Speaking for myself–I think that too often I am concerned about what I am getting and not on what I am giving–and that usually isn’t a good thing.

I wish you all the best and prayers.

Peace,
Mark

 

[manualman]

A woman can make herself ready pretty much just by being there - but men need a little bit more to be goin’ on first…

I can’t even believe I’m talking about this.

~Liza

I think I just stumbled into the Bizarro world CAF forum. Some sort of web-based space/time wormhole or something… WOMEN are good to go any time and MEN need lots of warming up first!?! I have GOT to get to the universe you guys are in!

 

[LucyLight]

I think I just stumbled into the Bizarro world CAF forum. Some sort of web-based space/time wormhole or something… WOMEN are good to go any time and MEN need lots of warming up first!?! I have GOT to get to the universe you guys are in!

:hypno: Of course most men need about a half an hour of affirmations (usually about their looks). Plus a nice candelight dinner, throw in some massage and if your lucky…

 

[smallcat]

Are you making this diagnosis of your husband being asexual or has this been diagnosed by someone else? Determining that your husband is asexual would be an easy label for both of you, because it implies that no one is at fault.

Rather, as I see it, he has a lack of interest in having sex with you. That’s not the same as being asexual. Has he done anything to try to figure out what the root cause of his lack of interest is? Has he had a thorough exam by a physician? Has he seen a counselor or therapist for himself? Frankly, lack of childcare is an excuse for not going to counseling. At the very least, individual counseling for the both of you would be extremely helpful and if he wanted to address the cause of his problems, he would find a way to make it happen. There are clearly other underlying issues in your marriage- if I remember correctly, a female friend who’s too close is one of them- so I think this goes way beyond a lack of interest in sex.

Is he depressed and/or anxious?
Does he drink too much alcohol or use drugs?
Does he view pornography and/or masturbate?

If you don’t know FOR CERTAIN the answers to these questions, ask him. Point blank. Any one of these can lead to a lack of interest in having sex with you, but they are deeper problems to be addressed and certainly don’t indicate a diagnosis of asexuality.

My prayers go out to you. This is a very difficult situation.

 

[kaylynn7800]

I experienced this same thing for over 30 years. Husband now wants a divorce and has
left the Catholic Church. I made a grave mistake by not telling someone, like a priest
or therapist. Do not let this go on too long. I felt I would be letting down the church, but
now I will proceed eventually to annulment because he falsely told me he wanted children.

I tried to get him to counseling; he refused over and over. The pain of rejection was great.
I began to look at the situation as my cross in life and stayed silent. Only recently when
I encouraged testosterone did he find out he was grossly deficient. Once he had that
problem resolved he found someone else. The estrangement was too long.

If you have a deacon or priest, who can still intervene. speak up. Do not give up as I
did. I was not rewarded for my silence in the end.

I certainly have great empathy for you and will lift my heart in prayer.

kaylynn7800

 

[Phemie]

I think I just stumbled into the Bizarro world CAF forum. Some sort of web-based space/time wormhole or something… WOMEN are good to go any time and MEN need lots of warming up first!?! I have GOT to get to the universe you guys are in!

Physically, a woman can just lie there and sex can happen. Doesn’t mean she’ll enjoy it, but even if she’s not in the mood she is capable of having sex. Not so a guy who’s not interested enough to acheive or maintain an erection.

The first time that happened was a few months into our marriage – I was 22, he was 26. There are only so many times you can say, “Hey, don’t worry, it happens,” before both your self-esteem takes a kick in the teeth, yours because you start to wonder if your spouse finds you too unattractive to make love to and his because he feels like less of a man so he avoids the situation altogether. It doesn’t improve with time.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

:hypno: Of course most men need about a half an hour of affirmations (usually about their looks). Plus a nice candelight dinner, throw in some massage and if your lucky…

Yes, and a lot of LISTENING to whatever they want to go on and on about…



and don’t dare watch sports…