Thinking about leaving the Church over NFP

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mamaquelly

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Hello,

Thanks to all who take the time to read and consider my situation. I’m really looking for wisdom and insight on this painful experience.

Here’s my problem. My husband and I have practiced NFP with great success and happiness for our entire marriage of 18 years. I love the closeness it brought to our marriage and the sense of peace about following Church teaching. I’ve always felt some reservation about the Church’s total and categorical ban on contraception under every circumstance, no matter how dire or extreme. But, I never thought I would be facing extreme circumstances myself.

We have 5 living children, two children lost to miscarriage. Last year when I was 35, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy. I’m now on a medication that I will take every day for at least the next 5 years, to prevent my cancer from returning. The effects of the medication on my hormones and body make it impossible to use any sympto-thermal method. Due to the characteristics of my cancer, I’ve been warned that a pregnancy would significantly increase my chances of relapse. Since NFP is medically impossible, the only option the Church offers me is either risk a very dangerous pregnancy or total abstinence.

We abstained for 6 months, while I desperately and unsuccessfully tried to identify any sort of pattern that would indicate fertile or infertile times of my cycle. The strain on my marriage was terrible. This was a time when we were facing such an agonizing burden in terms of the cancer and then we had to hold back from being comfort and closeness for eachother when we needed eachother the most. It became more than we could handle. We looked ahead and realized that we didn’t have the strength to make it for at least 5 years of living like brother and sister. Now we are using barrier methods to prevent pregnancy.

Since I do not have the strength or courage to endure total abstinence in my marriage, I feel like I should leave the Church. I feel unwelcome in the Church, since I am contracepting. It breaks my heart to think of leaving the Church. But I also don’t want to stay in a place that doesn’t want me as someone who uses contraception. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and say that I’m Catholic, if I’m not following the teachings. Should I leave the Church?
 
Do you think that the Catholic Church is the Church given to us by Christ? If you believe that is the truth, then wouldn’t it seem kind of strange to leave the Church when you are facing a life and death struggle?

In reading what you wrote, I can see what a difficult time you and your husband are going through. I really can’t see though how leaving the Church would be the solution that you are looking for though. Don’t you think that the sacraments are just what you both need right now?

I’m hoping you can get some advice from peope more knowledgable than myself about how your knowledge of your cycle can still be used to give you some window of opportunity to still have relations with your husband that are open to life. I would also like to point out that barrier methods are not like the pill, in that you and your husband can do your best to work on abstaining, but if you fail, you would still have recourse to the sacrament of reconcilliation. There are many people who struggle with their sins and through confession find the grace that they need to continue their struggle. I don’t think that you should feel that the Church or God requires you to be perfect, just that you have to want to be obedient and to do your best. Don’t you think you and your husband could work towards making progress, especially since you know that it isn’t forever?
 
As Peter said: “to whom would we go?”

Honestly, I can’t imagine putting sex ahead of my soul, the Church, and Christ.

I hope you will reconsider such a serious action. I know it’s hard, but Christ asks us to be faithful to him.

My prayers are with you.
 
Were you the type of child who ran away from home when you dissappointed your Mother and you knew it or when you wanted to get your way and Mom still said no?

Of course you shouldn’t leave the church. You do need to be an adult thought and comply with the teachings.

It’s very difficult for a lot of us to do that over one teaching or another. You are not alone the majority of us have our struggles. Don’t give up now. God doesn’t leave us alone, he give us the grace to do what is right and persevere .

Keep fighting . Do you have an NFP teacher/coach to help you ? Going through the whole cancer diagnosis and treatment must have been really challenging. God seems to have gotten you through that. Let him help you the rest of the way.

I hope and pray someone comes along who may have had the same situation.
Have you tried a message board that helps women with NFP like at Catholic Mom? There’s got to be women who had this problem.

cmomc.org/WelcomeCenter.php
 
This is a hard case.

Have you sent your charts and information about the medication you are on to CCL and/or the Pope Paul VI Institute for analysis or additional guidance? I’m sure you’ve sought the advise of NFP teachers in the area but I didn’t see a mention of taking those steps to try to get an answer.
 
I would also like to recommend praying to St. Gianna Molla. St. Gianna was a mother and physician who was faced with a situation very similar to yours. She was canonized within the past few years. I’m sure she would be very sympathetic to your plight and would be helpful in finding a solution that is compatible with your vocation to marriage.

The link to a site dedicated to St. Gianna is:

saintgianna.org/

And never fail to heed the lessons of the parable of the prodigal son. There is so much in that parable that you can draw on to give you the grace you need.

May Jesus bless both you and your husband with a cure for your cancer and a solution to your problem!
 
I am not about to give anyone advice about whether or not to use contraception. I will say that God is a merciful God and that He has provided us with a Church where sinners are welcome. You may feel unwelcome because of the judgements which many posters are going to pass on your behavior. You can only do the best that you can and not give up the struggle for perfection, but for heavens sake, leave the church because you are a sinner? That’s crazy because even if you leave your conscience will still tell you what is right to strive for. One thing that most people who read Paul VI’s encyclical don’t usually bring up is that he knew that for many people it would be a struggle. The Church is there to help those who struggle, not condemn them. There is much that is offered the, Sacraments, the Mass, the prayer, forgiveness , renewed strength so don’t throw it away. Paul VI never said that those who struggled would not sin, but he did offer medicine to help and support. God is always with those who fall, repent, get up again, and who may well fall again.
 
I’d second the point NOT to leave the Church because you feel you can’t comply with the teachings on NFP.

Catholics aren’t Catholics, and the Saints aren’t Saints, because they never had problems living a virtuous life! We’ve all struggled, and all fallen numerous times, every single one of the Saints included. The church has been called a ‘hospital for sinners’, and Our Lord himself said he came to call sinners and not the righteous. The best any of us can do is resolve not to slip up or fall short, and take advantage of the Sacrament of confession when we do (since we all do sometimes).

Know that HIS grace is sufficient for any difficulties you may have. Continue to take your difficulties to Him in prayer, and know that my prayers are with you as well. And do seek advice from the experts at the Paul VI institute.
 
Thank you for the replies. I have consulted every expert, including prominent NFP, Catholic physicians all over the country, regarding the medical aspects of the issue. The medication truly makes it medically impossible to use any sort of symptom or physical sign to identify fertile/infertile times. The medication artificially stimulates certain hormones so that I have the full symptoms of fertility at all times. I was eventually told by every expert I sought, that in my case my only morally acceptable options were:

Stop taking the medication, use NFP and hope my cancer doesn’t come back.

Keep taking the medication and abstain completely for five years or more while on this medicine.

Neither one is something I have the courage or strength to take on right now.

I’ve been involved in many prolife and NFP activities in my parish. The rejection and judgement I’ve recieved from people in these groups, after I shared my struggles, makes me feel completely unwelcome in the Church any more. After 18 years of faithful obedience and now during a time of horrific crisis, I’m told that I’m a Cafeteria Catholic and a hypocrite. I’m not welcome at the table of the Eucharist because we use contraception. I feel like maybe this is God’s way of telling me that I should join a different Church - one that can accept me, even during this struggle.

I attended a graduation ceremony at a Lutheran church a few weeks ago and I felt such peace - hearing the liturgy, being in a place of worship and knowing that I would be accepted and cared for there, even in spite of my weakness. At my Church I’m excluded and rejected. And, although it hurts, I can see their point. If I am not going to play by the rules, why stay on the team?

Thanks again for listening.
 
Pray to the Holy Spirit. Specifically. Invoke the Holy Spirit.

For direction and guidance. For everyone.
 
mamaquelly said:
Hello,

Thanks to all who take the time to read and consider my situation. I’m really looking for wisdom and insight on this painful experience.

Here’s my problem. My husband and I have practiced NFP with great success and happiness for our entire marriage of 18 years. I love the closeness it brought to our marriage and the sense of peace about following Church teaching. I’ve always felt some reservation about the Church’s total and categorical ban on contraception under every circumstance, no matter how dire or extreme. But, I never thought I would be facing extreme circumstances myself.

We have 5 living children, two children lost to miscarriage. Last year when I was 35, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a double mastectomy. I’m now on a medication that I will take every day for at least the next 5 years, to prevent my cancer from returning. The effects of the medication on my hormones and body make it impossible to use any sympto-thermal method. Due to the characteristics of my cancer, I’ve been warned that a pregnancy would significantly increase my chances of relapse. Since NFP is medically impossible, the only option the Church offers me is either risk a very dangerous pregnancy or total abstinence.

We abstained for 6 months, while I desperately and unsuccessfully tried to identify any sort of pattern that would indicate fertile or infertile times of my cycle. The strain on my marriage was terrible. This was a time when we were facing such an agonizing burden in terms of the cancer and then we had to hold back from being comfort and closeness for eachother when we needed eachother the most. It became more than we could handle. We looked ahead and realized that we didn’t have the strength to make it for at least 5 years of living like brother and sister. Now we are using barrier methods to prevent pregnancy.

Since I do not have the strength or courage to endure total abstinence in my marriage, I feel like I should leave the Church. I feel unwelcome in the Church, since I am contracepting. It breaks my heart to think of leaving the Church. But I also don’t want to stay in a place that doesn’t want me as someone who uses contraception. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and say that I’m Catholic, if I’m not following the teachings. Should I leave the Church?
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You should not jump off the boat into the middle of the sea because you are afraid of drowning if the boat were to sink. Leaving the Catholic Church does not allow you to justify what you want to do. It’s still wrong whether your Catholic or not.
 
Bro,

I think I’m a bit too pedestrian and unimaginative too understand your analogy. Can you explain a bit more what you mean?

I’m not trying to justify my actions by leaving. I just feel like there are so many mixed messages about whether or not someone in my situation should stay. I’m rejecting a rule. I know I am. I have admitted that I don’t have the strength to live by it. So isn’t it more of an affront to the Church to stay when I am refusing to live by the rules?

I feel so confused about this.
 
Hi,
I was wondering if you have asked you doctor if you could take an alternative? I’m sure you have but in case you haven’t it couldn’t hurt to ask.

I would think that if you have faithfully used NFP for the past 18 yrs and done your best to remain faithful to Christ and His Church you would feel quite a bit of quilt if you did start taking a contraceptive. Are you prepared for your conscience to bug the you to death over this if you do leave and start taking contraceptives?

I agree with the others, the Church is a hospital and we all need to be in the hospital during our illnesses. I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide you in the path that you must take.
 
mamaquelly said:
Thank you for the replies. I have consulted every expert, including prominent NFP, Catholic physicians all over the country, regarding the medical aspects of the issue. The medication truly makes it medically impossible to use any sort of symptom or physical sign to identify fertile/infertile times. The medication artificially stimulates certain hormones so that I have the full symptoms of fertility at all times. I was eventually told by every expert I sought, that in my case my only morally acceptable options were:

Stop taking the medication, use NFP and hope my cancer doesn’t come back.

Keep taking the medication and abstain completely for five years or more while on this medicine.

Neither one is something I have the courage or strength to take on right now.

I’ve been involved in many prolife and NFP activities in my parish. The rejection and judgement I’ve recieved from people in these groups, after I shared my struggles, makes me feel completely unwelcome in the Church any more. After 18 years of faithful obedience and now during a time of horrific crisis, I’m told that I’m a Cafeteria Catholic and a hypocrite. I’m not welcome at the table of the Eucharist because we use contraception. I feel like maybe this is God’s way of telling me that I should join a different Church - one that can accept me, even during this struggle.

I attended a graduation ceremony at a Lutheran church a few weeks ago and I felt such peace - hearing the liturgy, being in a place of worship and knowing that I would be accepted and cared for there, even in spite of my weakness. At my Church I’m excluded and rejected. And, although it hurts, I can see their point. If I am not going to play by the rules, why stay on the team?

Thanks again for listening.
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Peace in Christ with you.

I hope I can assist you in your crisis. Apparently, you want to leave the Catholic Church because you use contraception. The Catholic Church through its authority to bind and loose declare contraception as
2399 The regulation of births represents one of the aspects of responsible fatherhood and motherhood. Legitimate intentions on the part of the spouses do not justify recourse to morally unacceptable means (for example, direct sterilization or contraception).
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2370 Periodic continence, that is, the methods of birth regulation based on self-observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality. These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness between them, and favor the education of an authentic freedom. In contrast, “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible” is intrinsically evil:
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Thus the innate language that expresses the total reciprocal self-giving of husband and wife is overlaid, through contraception, by an objectively contradictory language, namely, that of not giving oneself totally to the other. This leads not only to a positive refusal to be open to life but also to a** falsification of the inner truth of conjugal love, which is called upon to give itself in personal totality**. . . . The difference, both anthropological and moral, between contraception and recourse to the rhythm of the cycle . . . involves in the final analysis two irreconcilable concepts of the human person and of human sexuality.
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These are from the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Of course you should know that. People, especially Catholics cannot contracept. Why? Because it gives a falsification of inner truth of conjugal love, which is called upon to give itself in personally totality.

In plain English, the use of contraceptions gives a false misconception of self-giving love. You seek it because want something out of it, in this case pleasure, or perhaps, you don’t want to have another children in the family.

It is not your choice to decide that. It is God’s, and it His Church that says you cannot use it. Sex as you know is for love and pro-creation. I know you probably still use contraception but it is not an excuse to leave the Catholic Church.

I also noticed that you are lacking the assistance of any prayer to help you in this crisis (I might be wrong). You need to pray on this, pray to the Holy Spirit to guide you, and ask the Blessed Mother for your help.

Don’t leave the Catholic Church because of this. You just got to understand why the Church teaches why contraception is wrong.

I know on Sunday we recite the Nicene Creed. In this Creed, we say, “I believe in One Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church.” If you believe that you should not contracept. Otherwise, you are lying to yourself.
 
Mamaquelly

popepaulvi.com/index.html

Perhaps you could contact them and see if they’ve come up with anything for women on tamoxifen or whatever med you are on. It’s got to have come up before.
 
mamaquelly said:
Bro,

I think I’m a bit too pedestrian and unimaginative too understand your analogy. Can you explain a bit more what you mean?

I’m not trying to justify my actions by leaving. I just feel like there are so many mixed messages about whether or not someone in my situation should stay. I’m rejecting a rule. I know I am. I have admitted that I don’t have the strength to live by it. So isn’t it more of an affront to the Church to stay when I am refusing to live by the rules?

I feel so confused about this.
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You can stay. You just can’t recieve the sacraments until you can get yourself to the point of repentance and reversion and you can’t tell others it would be the right path for them to take. No one is forcing you to leave.
 
Sabda said:
Hi,

I would think that if you have faithfully used NFP for the past 18 yrs and done your best to remain faithful to Christ and His Church you would feel quite a bit of quilt if you did start taking a contraceptive. Are you prepared for your conscience to bug the you to death over this if you do leave and start taking contraceptives?
Click to expand...
I can’t take a contraceptive pill. That would also fuel my cancer. We have already started using barrier methods after abstaining for a little more than 6 months while I worked unsuccessfully with doctors and experts on figuring out my cycles. It has been an agonizing decision. The Psalms have been such great comfort to me in my sorrow. The weeping and sobbing and the terrible agony I’ve been through in my prayers over this issue is more than I’ve ever thought I could endure. And yet, I am still too weak to follow this rule.

I keep thinking about doing what’s right for the Church by staying or leaving. I feel like it’s an insult to the Church to pick and choose which teachings I follow. If I’m going to do that why bother being Catholic?

I do appreciate all the advice and prayer suggestions. Thanks again.
 
((((((((mamaquelly))))))) I’m sorry for all you are going through. I hope you find a way to get through this and stay with a faith you obviously love. All those people who have turned their backs on you? Well, pray that they never have to make such a decision as yours. Bless you. I hope you find peace and I wish you great health.

Kim
 
Seatuck said:
You can stay. You just can’t recieve the sacraments until you can get yourself to the point of repentance and reversion and you can’t tell others it would be the right path for them to take. No one is forcing you to leave.
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I second that suggestion. I would not like to have a Catholic leave for reasons such as these.
 
:hug3:

As others have stated you CAN STAY!!! Just don’t present yourself for Holy Communion until you have gone to Confession for this sin. You can, however, still go up and receive a blessing, don’t forget to cross you arms when you do so. It is far better for you to stay in the Church and not recieve Holy Communion than it is for you to leave completely. You do still receive God’s grace when you attend Mass. Honestly, I can see how this would be an extremely difficult decision for a couple to make. I hope that you can find the answers you need and that God will give you the strength to see you though this trying time. Just keep in mind that God WILL see you though this! Stay close to Him and He will stay close to you. He IS there even if you can’t tell. :crossrc:
 
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