Thinking about leaving the Church over NFP

[DL82]

As someone who’s only just coming into the Church, the Theology of the Body and its link to the essential dignity of all persons as God’s unique and beloved creations is an important draw to me.

The fact that the Church teaches what it does gives us the freedom to live a perfect life, to become saints. It teaches you and your husband where the limits are that will help you not to pressure eachother and how to value one another’s bodies perfectly. That perfect freedom is scary though, and sometimes we just can’t abide in it too long.

I don’t want to make this thread about my issues, but my fiancee and I have had some issues related to marriage and possible pregnancy complications too. At the end of the day, what we decide to do matters, but what matters even more is that we both know that we must respect one another and the bodies God has created us with, even if that respect extends to abstinence for the rest of our fertile lives. The fact that I’m willing to exercise that degree of respect allows my fiancee the freedom to be responsible for her own body as its’ custodian from God, and vice versa.

If you leave the Church, you lose that freedom, the freedom to say no, to return to the teaching of what you know is true at some point in the future. We all fall short, but we know we fall short and can ask God for strength to do better, which is better than not knowing at all.

One thing that hasn’t been said yet is that you’ve been through a very traumatic surgery, which must have given your self-image as a sexual woman a very great knock. It’s very clear that you and your husband want to show your love for one another and to give yourselves completely to one another. Only in the Church do you have the freedom to explore every perfect way in which you can demonstrate that love for eachother.

The teachings of the Church are absolutes, because they are the standards of heaven. Nonetheless, man looks on the externals, but God sees the heart, keep that love of heaven in your heart, and ask God to give you a greater grace to grow closer to that perfect standard. Make spiritual communion and go to adoration. I don’t think you’ve fallen far short. The circumstances may even reduce your culpability so that it may only be venial sin. Talk to a priest who understands that human beings don’t always act the way they do in theology books.

 

[valient_Lucy]

Thank you again to everyone for your words of consolation, encouragement and challenge. I am very grateful in some ways to have been brought down, face in the dirt, laid low by this challenge. I will never again harbor any little voice of pride and arrogance inside me that foolishly says “I would never do that.” I was very naive. Although I wouldn’t have admitted it or even recognized it in myself before this struggle, I was in fact far too complacent in my faith. I thought my faith was unshakable. I couldn’t imagine not living out my faith in the same way I had been doing so for as long as I could remember. Talk about a plank in my eye. I had no idea that I could fall so far.

Thank God for humility. I know myself much better now - as someone who is weak, broken and scared. And someone who is trying her best. My compassion for those who suffer and wander and are torn is far greater than it ever could have been if I had not struggled with this.

I have a long road to walk. I don’t know where I’ll end up. I will keep praying. I will keep loving my children who need me here with them - alive and healthy. I will keep nourishing my marriage so we can be a strong and vibrant source of nurturing for our little ones. And I will keep turning to God’s mercy, whether that is in this Church or somewhere else.

I may not be back to this forum. I’m off work now and heading home to enjoy the family. Life is pretty crazy at home. I can relax more at the office. LOL. This is such an intriguing place, that I probably shouldn’t allow myself to get hooked on visiting here.

I’ve printed out the names and resources for the medical providers and clinics. Thank you. I will hang on to those for the future. Our months of struggle working with my cycle were so demoralizing, that I’m not eager to get my hopes up and then be bitterly disappointed again. But in due time, I may be strong enough to tackle it.

Thanks!

As a woman who’s never been married, I can’t give you any advice. But I have prayed for you. Don’t feel too bad about your previous pride, it happens to the best (and the worst) of us.

The forum is very addictive, so consider yourself warned. And may God bless you during this time of difficulty. May Jesus keep you close to His Sacred Heart, and may Mary, the Health of the Sick, pray for you.

 

[Listener]

I really felt sympathetic when I read your post. It looks like you are really between a rock and a hard place. I grew up in an era when people used to say, “It is a mortal sin for a woman to refuse her husband his marital rights.” If this is true, then you would be commiting a serious sin by abstaining forever. The Church has you commiting a serious sin by practicing birth control. It would also probably be a serious sin to endanger the baby you would conceive, since I think the cancer drugs would be lethal to the baby. So, I think in this case, whatever you do would be objectively considered a serious sin by the Church.

Please remember that the Cardinal Virtues in the Catholic Church are PRUDENCE, Justice, Temperance, and Fortitude. You appear to be practicing the virtue of Prudence.

Anyway, I don’t see how what you’re doing could be a mortal sin because I think you are missing FULL CONSENT. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Murder is a serious sin, but it is okay to kill in self defense. Stealing can be a serious sin, but stealing can be justified if a man steals food to feed his starving family.

Children are told to obey their parents, but they don’t have to if their parents tell them to do something wrong.

I think it is about time the Church made some exceptions for a case as serious as this. As a matter of fact, back in 1968 when Pope Paul VI came out with his Encyclical on Birth Control, many of the dangerous drugs that people take today didn’t even exist. Your case is not unique. Many women take drugs that could seriously damage an unborn baby. The Church changed its position on usury because times changed. The Church also changed its mind on Capital Punishment because now it is practical to lock up criminals forever. While I don’t think the Church will ever change its position on Birth Control, I really think that an exception should be made somewhere for women whose problems are as serious as yours.

As a final note, what you and you husband do in the privacy of your home is no one’s business but yours. You need to stop sharing personal, private details with your “devout” Catholic friends.

 

[pprimeau1976]

Dear Mamaquelly,

You can’t leave the Church! We need you! I would discuss this matter with a priest. Cases like these are never cut and dry as they seem. Giiven the fact that you have practiced NFP for so long, giving up now would be like climbing a huge mountain and giving up just 100 feet from the top because you can’t stand climbing that extra 100 feet!

You know more about your cycle more than me, but if determining ovulation is so difficult, why not have sex around when your period is? If you know that you start ovulating 14 days after your period begins, why not choose to have sexual relations with your spouse 7 days after your period? Would it be a safe bet to say that you won’t be ovulating a week after your period?

Also, look at the following article about detecting ovulation. Ovulation kits are available to help determine the best time to get pregnant. You will need to do some research in order to see which one is the best. Maybe you can use it to determine the best time to not have sex.

 

[CCM08]

I can’t tell you what to do, all I can say is that I feel for you and I understand your dilemma. Often when doing something for the greater good the individual can feel hurt.

I know a woman in my church who married in the church but her husband converted to protestantism and ran off with her best friend. He is now married to the friend and has children with her and the poor Catholic woman was not allowed to remarry and has to spend the rest of her life on her own. She doesn’t get any sex either. She is an old woman now and very unhappy and lonely. I think the church has seriously let her down. I can only imagine how much she is hurting.

You are so lucky to have a husband that loves you and five glorious children. I envy you.

Divorce should always be regarded as negative, it is always negative. However, does forcing Catholics to live under a fiction really help them? People make mistakes, and while no one should be allowed divorce after divorce as in common in the protestant world, I don’t see any reason to always refuse to allow people that have made a mistake to move on with their lives.

 

[KCT]

Now we are using barrier methods to prevent pregnancy.

Barrier methods are no where near 100% effective. How will you feel if you get pregnant using them?

Is it better to abstain and know you won’t get pregnant or use them and wonder what will happen to you and the child? —KCT

 

[homewardbound]

What a hard situation! I will pray for you.

Maybe try figuring out what is more important: Having sex while healing from this illness by using birth control and trying to play God instead of putting your trust in Him or healing both spiritually and physically, being abstinent which isn’t as hard as people make it out to be, and staying in God’s graces. I can’t make a fair judgment, as a 21 yr old unmarried girl practicing chastity, though, I do understand the hardships involved of abstinence, though not in a setting where I am allowed intimacy of course…so its different. Being a convert, I just can’t fathom how anyone could contemplate leaving God and His Church just to be able to have sex, but again I am not in the situation nor have I yet experienced marital intimacy. Sorry if I sound harsh, just kind of working it through in my mind. I pray God will lead you to where He wants you to be and will aid you in healing. I hope this illness will help you and your family become closer to the Father, not move farther away from Him.

 

[Joan_M]

Hello,

Since I do not have the strength or courage to endure total abstinence in my marriage, I feel like I should leave the Church. I feel unwelcome in the Church, since I am contracepting. It breaks my heart to think of leaving the Church. But I also don’t want to stay in a place that doesn’t want me as someone who uses contraception. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and say that I’m Catholic, if I’m not following the teachings. Should I leave the Church?

The Church is not rejecting you - you are rejecting the Church. You feel “unwelcome” because you know you are sinning.

You don’t want to stay in a place that “doesn’t want me as someome who uses contraception.” How does the Church know you are contracepting? How does anyone, other than you and your husband, know? It is your conscience that is accusing you.

Your situation is difficult, that is clear. You say that you cannot abstain for 5 years. What if something happened that would mean you had to abstain for the rest of your life? Such as your husband developing a disease that resulted in his inability to complete the marital act. Would you leave him because you cannot abstain? God’s grace can overcome all. That does not mean that it will be easy. It still remains difficult, but with His grace you know you can prevail.

Offer this suffering up to Jeses. Unite it with his suffering. But, also consult other doctors - particularly good Catholic ones. You can overcome this situation.

Why would you abandon the One True Church because of a personal difficulty?

 

[Courtneyjo]

What a hard situation! I will pray for you.

Maybe try figuring out what is more important: Having sex while healing from this illness by using birth control and trying to play God instead of putting your trust in Him or healing both spiritually and physically, being abstinent which isn’t as hard as people make it out to be, and staying in God’s graces. I can’t make a fair judgment, as a 21 yr old unmarried girl practicing chastity, though, I do understand the hardships involved of abstinence, though not in a setting where I am allowed intimacy of course…so its different. Being a convert, I just can’t fathom how anyone could contemplate leaving God and His Church just to be able to have sex, but again I am not in the situation nor have I yet experienced marital intimacy. Sorry if I sound harsh, just kind of working it through in my mind. I pray God will lead you to where He wants you to be and will aid you in healing. I hope this illness will help you and your family become closer to the Father, not move farther away from Him.

It does sound harsh. As an unmarried girl, you really have no idea of the comfort that the marital embrace can provide a couple, especially a couple that is facing a possibly fatal illness.

I think that if the OP abstains from the sacraments while she explores her options with her husband, she will develop a hunger for the Eucharist and return to the fold in full conformity to the teachings of Mother Church.

A little undertanding and compassion, please…

 

[Sandi]

**Honestly, I can’t imagine putting sex ahead of my soul, the Church, and Christ. **

What a callous and unfeeling response. Shame, shame, SHAME on you.

 

[MilesXpisti]

**Honestly, I can’t imagine putting sex ahead of my soul, the Church, and Christ. **

What a callous and unfeeling response. Shame, shame, SHAME on you.

In their defense, it may be editorializing but given what we know of the situation, it is a valid point. Use of contraception constitutes grave sin and therefore puts the soul at risk. Repudiating the faith because one does not feel like they can deal with what the Church teaches does so doubly.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

Bro,

I think I’m a bit too pedestrian and unimaginative too understand your analogy. Can you explain a bit more what you mean?

I’m not trying to justify my actions by leaving. I just feel like there are so many mixed messages about whether or not someone in my situation should stay. I’m rejecting a rule. I know I am. I have admitted that I don’t have the strength to live by it. So isn’t it more of an affront to the Church to stay when I am refusing to live by the rules?

I feel so confused about this.

No, The Church is for us (me too) weak human sinners. The Grace given us is meant to help us return to union with God. Walking away because we do not feel worthy is not the answer. You need to speak with a pastor and work out why the church teaches as she does. I suggest that you remain in the Catholic Church, continue to attend Mass, but not receive Holy Communion. Seeking a church that seem to fit our lifestyle or moral view better is not the answer. Leaving the hospital because you are tired of them telling you that you are sick is not the answer.

 

[SaintCyril]

Since I do not have the strength or courage to endure total abstinence in my marriage, I feel like I should leave the Church. I feel unwelcome in the Church, since I am contracepting. It breaks my heart to think of leaving the Church. But I also don’t want to stay in a place that doesn’t want me as someone who uses contraception. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and say that I’m Catholic, if I’m not following the teachings. Should I leave the Church?

I would suggest becoming Eastern Orthodox.

 

[Smber2c]

**Honestly, I can’t imagine putting sex ahead of my soul, the Church, and Christ. **

What a callous and unfeeling response. Shame, shame, SHAME on you.

I don’t see any reason to chastise someone for this. What if another turned on your saying “shame, shame, Shame on you”, with a “shame on you for discouraging people for trying to believe and hold the faith without compromise”.

Instead of our jumping on others for not preaching Christianity as we would like them do so, it is better to address those parts that are faithful as good and those that are false as bad.

For example saying with the first:
You are right that putting sex before ones soul is a great tragedy. But please let us take care and be gentle in how we relate this, so we don’t push those suffering hardship to make poor decisions from a perception of Catholic calousness.

Or for guiding someone who said ‘shame, shame, shame’ to one who spoke truth:
“It is admirable that you want to show others love and want to engender such actions in others. However, one should also take care not to dilute the truth with warm & fuzzy feelings to such a degree that we are no longer truth, but doing what makes people happy, content, or agreeable.”

 

[Smber2c]

I would suggest becoming Eastern Orthodox.

It seems that she knows that contraceptives are sinful, both in her head and in her heart. So, I doubt that changing churches (even to a church in communion with the Catholic Church) will really clear her conscious in choosing this sin.

Perhaps an Eastern Orthodox church wouldn’t preach againsts using contraceptives (or so I would assume from your suggestion, I don’t know their teaching on this), but I suspect one would simply feel they have found a Church that mistakenly indulges in their desired sin.

I’ve struggled with masterbation. One of by buddies Prespyterian church tells him it isn’t a sin. If I started going there (discounting all the other obvious Catholic/Protestant disagreements), I wouldn’t feel that masterbation is now okay…I’d just feel I’m now surrouned by people that indulge in my sin.

 

[cialovesyou]

Since I do not have the strength or courage to endure total abstinence in my marriage, I feel like I should leave the Church. I feel unwelcome in the Church, since I am contracepting. It breaks my heart to think of leaving the Church. But I also don’t want to stay in a place that doesn’t want me as someone who uses contraception. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and say that I’m Catholic, if I’m not following the teachings. Should I leave the Church?

Mama…your story breaks my heart. But the ray of hope in it all is your sincerity and love for the Church.
Please take this matter to the confessional. It may be helpful to hear the voices of a few different confessors, especially before you exit the Church.
At the very least this will allow for a good evaluation of the matter of conscience, upon which you and I are ultimately judged.

 

[jemfinch]

I think there’s a Bible passage just for this sort of situation.

“For whosoever will save his life, shall lose it: and whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel, shall save it. For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul?”

The Church’s teaching on contraception is not just a “rule.” It’s a matter of grave sin. It’s not even a grave sin like skipping mass on Sundays is a grave sin: skipping mass is a grave sin because the Church says it is. Contraception is a grave sin because it’s contrary to the Natural Law. It was grave sin before the Church even existed.

I wish I had something more comforting to say. I hope and pray that I’m never in your situation, but I will pray for you, that you find some way to guard both your soul and your life.

Jeremy

 

[SaintCyril]

Perhaps an Eastern Orthodox church wouldn’t preach againsts using contraceptives (or so I would assume from your suggestion, I don’t know their teaching on this), but I suspect one would simply feel they have found a Church that mistakenly indulges in their desired sin.

The Orthodox teaching in this matter is more subtle, and (as I believe) makes more sense. To find out more about this, visit orthodoxwiki.org/Contraception and goarch.org/en/ourfaith/articles/article7101.asp .

For a more detailed description, the OP (or any other interested party) can simply PM me. Contraception is not considered as always acceptable, but rather a matter of discernment, and discernment only within the confines of the Church (contraception only if approved by one’s spiritual father). Also, there is a more subtle understanding about what contraception is and how it affects marriage in terms of the economy of salvation.

I’ve struggled with masterbation. One of by buddies Prespyterian church tells him it isn’t a sin. If I started going there (discounting all the other obvious Catholic/Protestant disagreements), I wouldn’t feel that masterbation is now okay…I’d just feel I’m now surrouned by people that indulge in my sin.

A very good illustration. However, since the OP has asked whether she should remain Catholic, the option of joining a different church is in her mind. I would, in this situation (no matter what the variables) suggest the Orthodox Church.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

So you’re suggesting someone repudiate the Pope? Don’t you have to do that to become Orthodox? Isn’t that heresy?

Seems it’s going down a path and you follow one sin it takes you to many more.

I think the OP needs to take one day at a time and not view the situation as “never again.” We achieve our salvation one day at a time. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

 

[SaintCyril]

I think the OP needs to take one day at a time and not view the situation as “never again.” We achieve our salvation one day at a time. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

Agreed. If she is to leave, she should become Orthodox. But she should not become Orthodox simply if she wishes to use Birth Control.

Also, time should be taken to consider options. There is no rush.

I would also encourage talking with an Orthodox Priest about the situation, as well as a Catholic Priest.