Thinking about Marriage

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Cricket13

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Hello, I’m kinda new here (a bit nervous), But I just want to see others experience on this topic.
Without giving too much away, I’m a 22-year-old woman, I’ve never had a date in my life yet recently I’ve found myself attracted to the ideas of marriage. I’ve been praying about it a lot, and the more I learn about the sacrament, the more I hoped to be part of it.

But I’ve also felt unwanted doubt too, thinking that there might not be a man out there that would compliment me. So I’ve been praying to trust God in picking the right spouse. So, I wanted to ask, for anyone who is possibly engaged or married, about how you knew the person you’re about to spend your life with, or already are, was the one. Is it true when others say it happens when you’re not looking? I will note I’m someone who’s not in a BIG hurry, I’m being a patient as possible with this and leaving this up in God’s timing.

I appreciate any feedback and prayers for this vocation.
 
If you want to be married, it helps if you get out there and start dating so you can learn more about what type of person you like and don’t like and who you might get along with. You’re 22, I would get started now because the longer you sit around thinking about this, the smaller the pool of good available partners is getting.

For you to talk about “picking the right spouse” when you’ve never even had a date is like if I sat around thinking about “picking the right job” when I’d never even gone on an interview.
 
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You need to start dating. The whole “it happens when you aren’t looking”’ thing only works when the person is setting the conditions for the encounter. By that I mean, have an active social life. You don’t need to do things deliberately aimed at finding a guy, but you do need to be out there in the world. Go out with your friends, join a club, basically just be in situations where you’re likely to meet a lot of single dudes your age.

And going on dates is good practice. The odds of you marrying the first guy you have dinner or a drink with are virtually zero, but it’s good practice. You’ll learn how to interact with men one-on-one, and you’ll learn what kind of guy you click with (and what kind you don’t.)
 
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I have to back up what LawyersGunsAndMoney said. I tend to feel sorry for younger people these days because this is something I hear all too often. The only way to really meet people and get to know them is to go out there and interact with real people.

As also said by LawyersGunsAndMoney don’t go out there with the intent to meet someone. Just let it happen naturally, it does and it will. When I was a teenager and went out with friends if ever I went out really wanting to meet a girl that night it never happened. I only got girlfriends whenever I wasn’t even thinking about it. I think if you go out there with the attitude I must meet someone tonight it comes across as desperate and puts people off.

If you meet someone don’t expect it to be the ONE. When I met my wife I didn’t know the night we met that we would end up married. Instead of my previous relationships which all came to a natural end the one with my future wife didn’t and we’ll have been married for 30 years this coming September.

Just find a way to go out and let nature take its course. We humans have been successful at this for a very long time. If you meet someone and it doesn’t work out don’t despair. One day you’ll meet someone you can fall deeply in love with and you won’t even really know how it happened.
 
I agree with what others have said. There are lots of guys out there who don’t know how to date either. Network through friends. My roommate in college got word from my now wife that I should ask her out. 3 children, 7 grandchildren and 54 years later, we are still happily married.

God wants people to marry. It is His plan for continuing the human race. He allows us to participate in creation! He will help! Pray!
 
Cricket13 said:
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But I’ve also felt unwanted doubt too, thinking that there might not be a man out there that would compliment me. So I’ve been praying to trust God in picking the right spouse. …
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You mean complement I think. It can take a couple of years to know another person through seeing enough situations to determine affinity and moral qualities. Prayer for help is an excellent idea.
 
Thank you so far for the replies! I will say this, I do have an active social life and recently got myself a job, so there’s an opportunity to meet people and makes friends there. 🙂 I defiantly know the first guy I date won’t end up my husband, this isn’t something I want to rush.
I do feel suggesting to start dating is easier said than done, I’ve met men in the past that I got along with, but it never seemed to reach a point where we wanted to date. So, I’m not sure if I’m just being too picky, I’ve heard being picky can sometimes be a good thing, but I also don’t know.

Regardless, I’m confident in the Lord for his help and guidance.
 
“Dating” does not necessarily mean taking the first steps along the path to an exclusive or permanent commitment.
You can have coffee or dinner with a guy without signing on to “go steady” with him. There used to be a dating service called “It’s Just Lunch” where they would match up professionals for lunch dates with no pressure. That’s the type of “dating” you should be doing.

It’s fine to be picky when choosing a husband, after all you will be with him for the rest of your life so you want to get it right.
But the only way you figure this out is by dating, and preferably dating a number of people.
My mother was very picky in her choice of a husband. She didn’t get married till she was about 35 and by then she had had at least two guys try to propose to her and had probably dated somewhere between 50 and 100 guys in a casual way, some of them for one date only if they turned out to be losers. So when my dad came along, she knew right away he was different from the others. She wouldn’t have known that if she hadn’t met and dated lots of guys.

I probably dated about 30 guys give or take before I got married to one.
 
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If that is the more appropriate meaning of dating, then I might have been one some like that. I guess I have my mind stuck on the idea that dating was only for people who liked each other more than friends than also being just grabbing some food or coffee to get the know each other.
I pray to have more opportunities like that with men I befriend and possibly show interest in, defiantly takes a lot of the pressure off.
 
Also Congrats on 30 years this September! My parents will be celebrating their anniversary that month too. I agree with simply just going out and allowing nature to take its course, I’ve been trying my best to be involved more with friends and people that way I can spend time with some of the men I get along with. I have hopes to even travel one day to meet people outside of where I live.

I’ll keep praying about this vocation, not panic, and just let God help lead me through this life. Jesus said worrying wouldn’t do us any good 😉
 
Like others have said, start dating to gain experience and discernment. Just be careful with near occasions of sin.
 
Cricket13 said:
about how you knew the person you’re about to spend your life with, or already are, was the one
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100% Fidelity to the Church. No ifs, ands or buts. I’m assuming you’re in the USA. The majority of people who identify as Catholic here do not meet this criteria. I hope with your generation, things are getting better. But as someone who had to spend 10 years searching, suffering with loneliness, until finally finding the right person, the #1 thing I wish I could tell my younger self is:

Community.

Find a faithful Catholic community. It could be a parish, a group within a parish, a college/working group (e.g. Theology on Tap), associated with a religious order, and so on. Many of these groups are tied to ethnic groups (e.g. Hispanics, French) with historical ties to Catholicism; these are definitely places to look. Don’t be afraid to move in order to find such a group if you have to. (In my case, it turned out to be an Altar Society at a traditional (though not TLM) parish).

The Catholic online dating services like Ave Maria Singles, Catholic Chemistry, Catholic Match, etc. are there, but there really aren’t that many seriously-searching people on them. They are an option, but they aren’t a replacement for a stable, faithful Catholic community.
 
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Your prayers I am sure will be heard. Marriage is a beautiful sacrament, the key to both sustaining it and finding the “right” partner is unsurprisingly ensuring Jesus is front and center within your marriage relationship.

Take your time to get to know the other person, that is something very important in my opinion. Do not rush simply because of social pressures or other factors.

Spending time with your partner will help you make the right decision (as well as praying to God for assistance of course).

Lastly but certainly not least, do not fall just for nice physical appearances. Remember physical beauty will eventually fade away, while true love will remains strong forever.
 
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MarysLurker said:
Many of these groups are tied to ethnic groups (e.g. Hispanics, French) with historical ties to Catholicism;
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I actually do find myself kinda interested in the idea of marrying a Catholic from another culture, I tend to be a very passionate artistic person and it has led me to love learning about different places and their culture. Of course, I’m open to whomever God may call me to marry if this is his will for me.
 
Amen to that, I believe God wants you to feel connected to your husband/wife because they are your best friend, and it makes sense your spouse is someone you can be open with everything, both spiritually and emotionally.

I did not find this at all negative, I found this insightful on the importance of marriage vows. God loves us all unconditionally, it’s wonderful to see him work that in the sacrament of marriage. This is why I cry easily at weddings.
 
Amen to this! When you take the view that these vows are serious and solemn, it will also help guide you in your relationship before and after marriage. Unlike how many view marriage today, it is a covenant and not a contract.
 
Cricket13 said:
the one.
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I don’t think there is “the one.” I think each person has many who could be a suitable spouse. To think there is just one person who can be my spouse and I’ve got to somehow find him/her out of hundreds of millions of people…does not seem realistic. Too much pressure, too, since you almost depend on a miracle.

Maybe I’ve seen too many marriage nullity cases.

Dan
 
whoops, guess I didn’t clarify that too well. 😅 It’s hard sometimes to phrase it, but I meant as in “the one out of the people you’ve dated.” I do believe there are multiple people out there that would make a suitable spouse too.
 
I’ve noticed at times on these forums and at my parents traditional mass, that when people think of marriage as a vocation only they miss out on vital steps to meet and adequately date.

In particular, I know many young men who are looking for a potential wife who will fit their specific criteria. But in the process miss actually discerning if the person is fun, agreeable, compatiable etc. In the end they marry someone who on paper looks good. But their marriages don’t seem that happy.

OP I may be completely wrong in my impression. But I wouldn’t even be thinking of vocations until you have made some male friends and perhaps dated a few. Once you meet the right person and feel there is a future then start thinking deeper.
 
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I can see where that may sound like the vital steps seem less important than the overall vocation. But, you are right, that is something I should probably consider first without jumping right into concluding this is what God wants for me, baby steps.
 
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