Thinking of "coming back" but have lots of questions

[lada]

Hello all! Thank you for taking the time to read this post and for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I have a lot of questions and I hope it’s o.k. to post them here, as they mostly deal with the various sacraments.

A little background: I was baptized Catholic as an infant, and have had all the sacaraments up to marriage. My first marriage was not in the church. Not knowing that I wasn’t supposed to, I continued to receive communion. I had a daughter and had her baptized. That marriage ended 12 months later in divorce. I was told that since I was not married in the church, I was not technically divorced and so I continued to go to Mass and receive communion.

I married my current husband five years ago. I wanted a Catholic wedding this time, but he had been married previously. After trying for six months to locate his ex-wife to grant him an annullment, we gave up and got married elsewhere. The whole experience left a bitter taste in my mouth and I stopped attending Mass. We have had three children so far and have not had them baptized.

Lately, I have felt pulled back to the Church. I’ve tried several different other faiths and it just doesn’t feel right. I have been to Mass a few times and it always feels like home. Also, my children are getting older, and I am feeling an urgency to get them some kind of religious education. There are several things standing in my way, though.

1. My marriage. What do I do at this point to have my marriage blessed or whatever is needed?
2. The sacraments. I am forbidden from taking part in any of them until I get #1 taken care of, right? Can I still have my children baptized, or does that have to wait as well?
3. Godparents - I have no Catholic friends! Where does one go about “finding” Godparents?
4. I had an abortion years ago, before I met my husband. I have not confessed this sin to a priest,although God certainly knows how much I regret it. Is this something that is going to keep me away i.e. excommunicated?
5. How did I forget this? My husband has had a vasectomy. He knew I was not in complete agreement with it, but drove himself to the procedure and drove himself home. He felt very strongly about not wanting any more children and I don’t think I could have changed his mind without seriously damaging our relationship. Can I still receive the sacraments in spite of this?

Thank you again for your answers!

 

[Moyle]

Hello all! Thank you for taking the time to read this post and for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I have a lot of questions and I hope it’s o.k. to post them here, as they mostly deal with the various sacraments.

A little background: I was baptized Catholic as an infant, and have had all the sacaraments up to marriage. My first marriage was not in the church. Not knowing that I wasn’t supposed to, I continued to receive communion. I had a daughter and had her baptized. That marriage ended 12 months later in divorce. I was told that since I was not married in the church, I was not technically divorced and so I continued to go to Mass and receive communion.

I married my current husband five years ago. I wanted a Catholic wedding this time, but he had been married previously. After trying for six months to locate his ex-wife to grant him an annullment, we gave up and got married elsewhere. The whole experience left a bitter taste in my mouth and I stopped attending Mass. We have had three children so far and have not had them baptized.

Lately, I have felt pulled back to the Church. I’ve tried several different other faiths and it just doesn’t feel right. I have been to Mass a few times and it always feels like home. Also, my children are getting older, and I am feeling an urgency to get them some kind of religious education. There are several things standing in my way, though.

1. My marriage. What do I do at this point to have my marriage blessed or whatever is needed?
2. The sacraments. I am forbidden from taking part in any of them until I get #1 taken care of, right? Can I still have my children baptized, or does that have to wait as well?
3. Godparents - I have no Catholic friends! Where does one go about “finding” Godparents?
4. I had an abortion years ago, before I met my husband. I have not confessed this sin to a priest,although God certainly knows how much I regret it. Is this something that is going to keep me away i.e. excommunicated?
5. How did I forget this? My husband has had a vasectomy. He knew I was not in complete agreement with it, but drove himself to the procedure and drove himself home. He felt very strongly about not wanting any more children and I don’t think I could have changed his mind without seriously damaging our relationship. Can I still receive the sacraments in spite of this?

Thank you again for your answers!

First, welcome Home – you are already taking a good first step. First and foremost you need to speak to a GOOD priest – someone who listens carefully. Someone who will provide good advice and strong spiritual direction.

1.) Talk to the above priest.

2.) You cannot receive Holy Communion in your current state. Nor can you receive the Sacrament of Marriage or the Sacrament of Holy Orders right now You can receive final anointing but let’s hope that is very premature. You certainly can make use of the sacrament of penance and should at your earliest opportunity.

3.) Once you get involved with your parish there will be plenty of people who will be more than willing to support you. You might be surprised how many of your friends are already Catholic and you did not know.

4.) You are in a state of excommunication right now but please don’t panic over that very scary word. This specific sin may be dealt with in the confessional between you and God. You can be absolved of this sin.

5.) Yes, once you are absolved of all your sins.

Also, please be sure to start attending Sunday Mass ASAP. No you cannot receive Holy Communion but you can receive a blessing. Attending Mass is extremely important and the grace will help you on your journey.

 

[EasterJoy]

I had an abortion years ago, before I met my husband. I have not confessed this sin to a priest,although God certainly knows how much I regret it. Is this something that is going to keep me away i.e. excommunicated?

How are you doing about this? Many women who have had abortions don’t appreciate that they are also victims. Their sense motherhood can be a victim. They can feel enduring shame and guilt, even over later events that they are innocent of, such as miscarriages. Their other children can suffer, too, because of how their mother is suffering. The intimacy in marriages can suffer. The pain can be both deep and long-lasting, even after the sin is confessed.

Consider looking into a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend retreat. The projects are meant to bring healing to those who have been harmed by abortions. There will be a priest there to hear your confession and absolve you, if you are so inclined. The retreats can be repeated, too, when the participant feels it would be helpful. They don’t pretend that they will send you home “all fixed up.” They just want to help you feel the compassion that the Church has for you and your suffering, and not only the message that the act itself was wrong.

 

[buffalo]

I believe an annullment can be granted if the oher party will not respond.

Check with the Diocesan Tribunal.

 

[PJM]

Hello all! Thank you for taking the time to read this post and for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I have a lot of questions and I hope it’s o.k. to post them here, as they mostly deal with the various sacraments.

A little background: I was baptized Catholic as an infant, and have had all the sacaraments up to marriage. My first marriage was not in the church. Not knowing that I wasn’t supposed to, I continued to receive communion. I had a daughter and had her baptized. That marriage ended 12 months later in divorce. I was told that since I was not married in the church, I was not technically divorced and so I continued to go to Mass and receive communion.

I married my current husband five years ago. I wanted a Catholic wedding this time, but he had been married previously. After trying for six months to locate his ex-wife to grant him an annullment, we gave up and got married elsewhere. The whole experience left a bitter taste in my mouth and I stopped attending Mass. We have had three children so far and have not had them baptized.

Lately, I have felt pulled back to the Church. I’ve tried several different other faiths and it just doesn’t feel right. I have been to Mass a few times and it always feels like home. Also, my children are getting older, and I am feeling an urgency to get them some kind of religious education. There are several things standing in my way, though.

1. My marriage. What do I do at this point to have my marriage blessed or whatever is needed?
2. The sacraments. I am forbidden from taking part in any of them until I get #1 taken care of, right? Can I still have my children baptized, or does that have to wait as well?
3. Godparents - I have no Catholic friends! Where does one go about “finding” Godparents?
4. I had an abortion years ago, before I met my husband. I have not confessed this sin to a priest,although God certainly knows how much I regret it. Is this something that is going to keep me away i.e. excommunicated?
5. How did I forget this? My husband has had a vasectomy. He knew I was not in complete agreement with it, but drove himself to the procedure and drove himself home. He felt very strongly about not wanting any more children and I don’t think I could have changed his mind without seriously damaging our relationship. Can I still receive the sacraments in spite of this?

Thank you again for your answers!

Reply:

Our God is an Awesome God! Your off to a great start.

While I’m qualifed to answer most of your questions, the best advice I can give you is to #1 KEEP PRAYING, and #2 Make an appointment to visit your parish priest. My reasons for saying this are two: 1. They have extensive training to answer all of your questions (which I suggest that you write down before your 1st. visit) and 2. you are very likely going to think of many other questions as your converstion unfolds.

Keep in mind, that what the priest share, are not merely personal opinion, but God’s very truth as taught by the only Church actually founded by Jesus himself.

Know also that there are no problems so big that God can’t handle them. Your doing the right thing . Keep praying, and feel free to post any specific questions you may have, including why did Father tell me ???"

Several issues you present have easy solutions while others will require futher discussion and clairfication.

We will be here to offer support and advice

God bless and good job! All sins ( and we ALL HAVE SINNED) can be forgiven!

PJM m.c.

 

[Joe_Kelley]

I believe an annulment can be granted if the other party will not respond.

Check with the Diocesan Tribunal.

Right on both.

 

[Claire_from_DE]

Your children can be baptized even before all your other questions are taken care of if there is a ‘founded hope’ that they will be raised Catholic.

It is unfortunate that your husband got a vasectomy but that doesn’t mean you can’t marry him in the church if his first marriage is judged invalid.

 

[lada]

Thank you all for the kind and honest answers. I must admit, I am very fearful about confessing the abortion. I know it must be done, but I am afraid I will not be granted absolution. I’m also embarrassed as many of my sins are those of the flesh. I have been a very good girl since “settling down” but there are things I did during my college years that I feel I must get off my chest.

How does one go about finding a “good” or “holy” priest if one has been out of the Church for so long? I am living nearby to where I grew up, but all the pastors I knew as a girl have moved on.

I have thought of going behind the screen to confess the abortion…is that acceptable? Or is this something that should be done face to face? I just feel that that is the first step I must take, and I’m not sure how to do it. I almost feel like I’d like to go to a neighboring town, to a preist I wouldn’t have to see every week…

 

[PhilotheaZ]

Thank you all for the kind and honest answers. I must admit, I am very fearful about confessing the abortion. I know it must be done, but I am afraid I will not be granted absolution. I’m also embarrassed as many of my sins are those of the flesh. I have been a very good girl since “settling down” but there are things I did during my college years that I feel I must get off my chest.

How does one go about finding a “good” or “holy” priest if one has been out of the Church for so long? I am living nearby to where I grew up, but all the pastors I knew as a girl have moved on.

I have thought of going behind the screen to confess the abortion…is that acceptable? Or is this something that should be done face to face? I just feel that that is the first step I must take, and I’m not sure how to do it. I almost feel like I’d like to go to a neighboring town, to a preist I wouldn’t have to see every week…

There is no sin that cannot be absolved. Don’t think for even a minute that your ability to sin is greater than God’s ability to forgive. His mercy is infinite!

Don’t worry about confessing “embarrassing” sins. That’s what the sacrament is there for. The priests have heard it all before. I have had to do this, and while it is uncomfortable for a few minutes while you are doing it, the results — reconciliation with God and the Church — are well worth it. Most priests who hear confessions are very kind and compassionate.

Yes, you can absolutely go behind the screen to confess the abortion (along with any other sins). It is your right to do so; some priests actually prefer the screen. And it’s perfectly OK to go to a priest in a neighboring town if that will make you feel more comfortable.

Before you go to confession, however, you should talk to a priest about your marriage situation. You actually need to get that taken care of BEFORE you go to confession. The reason is this: you must be absolved of ALL your sins at once; you cannot confess and be absolved of some sins, and hold on to others. Having intimate relations with someone who (in the eyes of God and the Church) is not yet your husband is considered a grave sin. When you confess this, you must have the intention not to commit this sin again. Unless you are willing to abstain from sexual relations until your marriage is convalidated in the Church, the priest will likely have to postpone giving you absolution — not because it is not “forgivable,” but because your purpose of amendment would be lacking (it is a necessary part of contrition for your sins).

Don’t let this discourage you. God is waiting for you with open arms to come back. It just may take some time. So begin by making an appointment to talk with a priest. (If you don’t know one, you can ask a recommendation from a Catholic friend — you don’t have to tell them all the details — or just call your local parish and make an appointment with one of the priests there.)

And I encourage you to take the advice of the other posters to start attending Mass every Sunday (even if you can’t receive Communion yet), and to consider a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat if you still need spiritual and emotional healing from the abortion (many women carry scars for a long time).

God bless you on your journey “home” to the Church!

 

[buffalo]

Thank you all for the kind and honest answers. I must admit, I am very fearful about confessing the abortion. I know it must be done, but I am afraid I will not be granted absolution. I’m also embarrassed as many of my sins are those of the flesh. I have been a very good girl since “settling down” but there are things I did during my college years that I feel I must get off my chest.

How does one go about finding a “good” or “holy” priest if one has been out of the Church for so long? I am living nearby to where I grew up, but all the pastors I knew as a girl have moved on.

I have thought of going behind the screen to confess the abortion…is that acceptable? Or is this something that should be done face to face? I just feel that that is the first step I must take, and I’m not sure how to do it. I almost feel like I’d like to go to a neighboring town, to a preist I wouldn’t have to see every week…

Go behind the screen if you are more comfortable. You are confessing to God through His Priest.

The only unforgivable sin is despair, the lack of hope, the belief you cannot be forgiven.

If you are contrite, confess. When you walk out of that confessional you will be amazed at how a soul feels when cleansed and free. It is phenomenal.

 

[lada]

There is no sin that cannot be absolved. Don’t think for even a minute that your ability to sin is greater than God’s ability to forgive. His mercy is infinite!

!

Thank you for clearing up the order of things for me! I did wonder how that would work. I will make an appointment to see the priest at our local parish, just have a talk with him about my marriage situation and my desire to have the children baptized first. Then once I am able to, I will go to confession and let it all out. I’m really chomping at the bit to get that done, as my sins have suddenly really begun to wear on me.

I will also look into Rachel’s Vineyard. I do have a lot of residual guilt from the abortion. Especially in my subsequent pregnancies, I just felt like I wasn’t “worthy” to have a successful pregnancy and healthy baby…that somehow God was going to punish me for my abortion by allowing something to happen to one of my children. I still have those feelings now, even though they are no longer infants.

I have started attending Mass. I’ve taken my oldest daughter and rotated the younger three because I don’t think I can handle them all at once at this point. Once they “get” that they are supposed to sit and be quiet, I’ll start bringing another one along. Right now two is all I’m going to tackle, lol! My oldest is enrolled in PSR and will make her first communion this year (two years late).

I also dug out my first communion rosary (I’d gotten rid of all but that one…must have hung onto it for a reason, huh?) and have been saying the rosary every morning, asking Our Lady to help me have to courage to go forward with what I know is going to be a somewhat difficult journey.

 

[PJM]

Thank you all for the kind and honest answers. I must admit, I am very fearful about confessing the abortion. I know it must be done, but I am afraid I will not be granted absolution.

Tell the truth, tell the whole truth, be truly sorry and it’s a “slam dunk” -“done deal.” It’s Satan, the father of Lies, who is placing these doubts in your heart. Kick him in the butt and Do It!

I’m also embarrassed as many of my sins are those of the flesh. I have been a very good girl since “settling down” but there are things I did during my college years that I feel I must get off my chest.

So have we all my dear! So have we all!

How does one go about finding a “good” or “holy” priest if one has been out of the Church for so long? I am living nearby to where I grew up, but all the pastors I knew as a girl have moved on.

Just go, God will guide you. The Holy Spirit and your Guardian Angel will be with you. Just go.

I have thought of going behind the screen to confess the abortion…is that acceptable? Or is this something that should be done face to face? I just feel that that is the first step I must take, and I’m not sure how to do it. I almost feel like I’d like to go to a neighboring town, to a preist I wouldn’t have to see every week…

Naw, not necessary for several reasons.

1. All priest are sworn to keep secret EVERYTHING you share. Even if he is threatened with death!
2. Began your Confession by telling Father that it is many, many years since your last Confession: and or "Father this is my FIRST Confession. It will alert him to be even more gentle with you.
3. Our priest have literaly dedicated there lives to "saving soul’s.’ A Confession like your will be recoginized as a GIFT FROM GOD!
4. Think about this: A priest knows how hard it is to confess our sins, after all they too are sinners. They REALLY RESPECT prople who have the courage and have accepted the grace to confess and get right with our Lord. “Do not be afraid for I am with you.” Amen

Hang in there your doing GREAT

One may alway’s choose to “go behind the screen” or “face to face.” Do which ever is easier for YOU!

Have you considered that there have been some 43,000,000,000
abortions? I mention this because you are not alone in your regrets and your pain

Also, one Mortal Sin in roughly the same as any other Mortal Sin. All of them seperate us from God’s grace and a personal relationship with our Blessed Lord.

It is highly unlikely that any of us are ever going to Confess a sin that the priest has not heard of.

I’m not making “light of a most serious matter,” just trying to add perspective to the issue.

Here’s the GOOD NEW’s

Luke Chapter 15:" 7* Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance

Go for it! Go to Confession, Jesus Himself wants to welcome you HOME:thumbsup: I’m praying for you!

God bless,
PJM m.c.

 

[lada]

I have made an appointment to talk to the local priest! YAY!

I did think of a question, and of course I will ask the priest, but…

My husband has never been baptized at all. So is his first marriage still considered valid?

 

[GailMac]

Dear Op, give it up and stay abstinent for the rest of your life. You can Baptise the children yourself. Get the formula right and call the Rectory to have the Sacrament recorded. Go to Confession and do whatever you and your hubby’s Confessor tells you to do. Perhaps they’ll allow you to receive Communion, perhaps not. Either way, you’ve made choices for yourself that you’ll have to live with, won’t you. You still have the resposiblity towards God and your children to do right by them and Him.

Peace,

Gail

 

[lada]

Dear Op, give it up and stay abstinent for the rest of your life. Gail

Hmm, I can only assume from your hateful attitude that this is the choice you’ve made for your life, huh?

I am remaining encouraged by the other thoughtful posts, but people like you are the reason folks like me leave the faith and don’t come back.

I’ll be praying for a submissive and kind heart for you.

 

[kmleo]

but people like you are the reason folks like me leave the faith and don’t come back.

Isn’t that the sad truth? You had a great response, Iada. Stay positive and “never let them get ya down”. She isn’t the first naysayer you’ll hear and most certainly won’t be the last. Keep your heart and your eyes on The Lord and all will be as it should be!

God Bless you and your family! GailMac, you are in my prayers as well.

 

[buffalo]

Hmm, I can only assume from your hateful attitude that this is the choice you’ve made for your life, huh?

I am remaining encouraged by the other thoughtful posts, but people like you are the reason folks like me leave the faith and don’t come back.

I’ll be praying for a submissive and kind heart for you.

Just remember the Catholic faith is the faith of Jesus. It is a hospital for sinners and we all are at a certain point on our journey. It exists for our salvation. Don’t quit because of someone else.

 

[PhilotheaZ]

Dear Op, give it up and stay abstinent for the rest of your life. You can Baptise the children yourself. Get the formula right and call the Rectory to have the Sacrament recorded. Go to Confession and do whatever you and your hubby’s Confessor tells you to do. Perhaps they’ll allow you to receive Communion, perhaps not. Either way, you’ve made choices for yourself that you’ll have to live with, won’t you. You still have the resposiblity towards God and your children to do right by them and Him.

Peace,

Gail

Gail, I don’t know whether you’re serious or whether this is an attempt at humor.

Why would lada want to give up and stay abstinent the rest of her life, before even trying? If there was a good reason for her husband’s prior divorce, perhaps there is a reason his first marriage was not valid to begin with. (I do know a couple with prior marriages who, after prayerful discernment, chose to remain abstinent WHILE they were working on the annulment process, but that is a different thing. They did it for love of God, and I consider it heroic.)

She can’t baptize the children herself, unless they are in immediate danger of death and a priest or deacon is unavailable. I hope you are not suggesting that performing an illegal baptism on her children would be “to do right by them.” To do so would be a serious abuse. Furthermore, her children can be baptized in church in the usual way, as long as she intends to raise them in the faith (complete with regular Mass attendance, reception of the Sacraments, etc.).

She probably can’t go to Confession until the annulment issue is resolved, but God will see her heart and her desire to make things right in the mean time.

Your phrase “Perhaps they’ll allow you to receive Communion, perhaps not” shows disregard for the sacredness of the Sacrament. Lada is trying to do the right thing; I don’t think she would sneak into the Communion line when she is in an irregular marriage situation.

When you wrote, “Either way, you’ve made choices for yourself that you’ll have to live with, won’t you,” that sounded harsh; I hope you didn’t mean it that way. (My spiritual director told me what amounted to the same thing when I was suffering from some choices I had made in my past, but he spoke it with kindness. I am hoping that is what you meant to do, and that the tone that came across in your writing is not what you intended.)

We all make wrong choices sometimes, sometimes out of ignorance rather than malice. Lada is well aware of that, and is trying to make things right.

I am remaining encouraged by the other thoughtful posts

Lada, that’s a good approach to take. Don’t give up before you start.

 

[PhilotheaZ]

I have made an appointment to talk to the local priest! YAY!

I did think of a question, and of course I will ask the priest, but…

My husband has never been baptized at all. So is his first marriage still considered valid?

Yes, his first marriage is considered valid (unless there are other reasons, such as getting married without full freedom of consent, or lack of intent of one of the parties for the marriage to be permanent, faithful, fruitful — these are the kinds of things investigated by the marriage tribunal).

The Catholic Church recognizes any lawfully-performed marriage between two non-Catholics. The Church can only hold her own members to her marriage laws. If one of the parties were Catholic but got married outside the Church without a dispensation, that marriage could easily be determined invalid due to lack of form (not following the Church’s form for marriage).

Congratulations on taking the first step, calling a priest. While talking with him about the marriage issue, you might also ask him whether you could go ahead with baptizing your children now. Whether they would be baptized as infants (requiring no catechesis prior to baptism) or as “adults” (having reached the age of reason, usually 7 or so, and requiring catechesis and their own decision to be baptized) depends on their age, maturity, and the judgment of the pastor.

Before having them baptized, you must be committed to be in this for the “long haul,” as you will be responsible for raising your children Catholic regardless of the outcome of your husband’s appeal for a declaration of nullity. (If for some reason it were denied, would you still take your children to Mass every Sunday and holy day, and to the other sacraments, for as long as they are under your care?) Baptism makes your children obligated to follow all the laws of the Church. To have them baptized before you are sure you can help them do that would be unfair to them.

 

[happymommy]

Please pay no attention to any unkind comments. They must have a reason for their attitude and will have to deal with that themselves.
You are doing great! Stick with it. This will make you and your husband grow together!
It might be premature to mention, but some couples decide to reverse their vasectomy. Might be an option later on, but something to think about.
I wish you God’s blessings throughout this process. Keep praying and He will show you what to do.
Peace be with you!