This is serious! I may have been falsely accused!

[exoflare]

This is a hard story to condense, but I will try my best. Sorry in advance if it turns out long-winded.

Note: It seems this always comes up, so I’m just going to get it out of the way right now… NO I am NOT continuing any contact with this person! Nor am I looking to pursue this any further! I would assume this was obvious, but from recent experience talking about this, lots of people always seem so quick to assume one or the other.

Well anyway, this is the jist of it - I’ve become increasingly worried lately that I may have been falsely accused of stalking!!

It’s my suspicion, anyway. So I want to see what other people think might have happened, or if this girl has any kind of possible excuse for acting the way she is…

Here’s how it starts. I had a pretty serious crush on this girl for a while (I’m sure that came out of left field, huh? ). In all the time we’ve known each other, we don’t talk very often but she had always displayed interest going out of her way to talk to me and flirting a lot. It’s apparent that she was interested in me - and yes I know what a lot of you are thinking - even though I’m a guy I don’t make the typical guy mistake of confusing “niceness” for flirting. I have long been able to tell them apart without the distortion of bias from wishful thinking or anything of that sort.

Anyway like I was saying I had wanted to pursue something with her for a while, but circumstances kept me from being able to do anything about it until about the middle of the summer. At this point I know she’s going to be leaving to start school in another state during the fall, but I don’t want to just give up and have to live with the fact that I never even so much as told her how I felt when I had the chance. There are weekly events and such that normally I would run into her at so I thought I’d just talk to her when I saw her at those places. But I didn’t end up running into her, so later I talk to her on facebook and ask how things are going, noting I haven’t run into her for a while. She tells me she hadn’t been going because she was so busy with getting situated for school, and asked me how I was doing. I respond and then ask for her phone number, which took her a while to respond to the message but eventually I got her phone number.

At this point there’s about one and a half weeks until she leaves for school. Well two or three days after getting her number I give her a call but she doesn’t answer so I leave a message to call me back when she gets the chance. The next day she tried calling me, but stupid me I leave my phone in the other room so I don’t hear it when she tries calling. Once I see the missed call I didn’t get to try and call back until later that evening but again with the machine, so I message her saying sorry I missed you, I’ll just try later on… So of course I try again once the next day… didn’t leave a message, though. I figure leaving a message would be redundant.

So now of course there’s about a week left until she leaves for school. Since she had tried calling me back before, the possibility that she might actually ignore me on purpose later on didn’t even cross my mind… and anyway I try calling her once a day for the next 5 days or so. I didn’t plan on having to call her that many times but since I didn’t get a hold of her yet and time was running out, that’s what I ended up doing. As I said, I didn’t think she would just ignore me since she tried calling back before… plus with the day to leave approaching, I thought maybe she’s just really really busy (yeah, I’m an idiot). This was the LAST I’ve tried calling her, even to this day.

Well at the end of the week I’m super frustrated and message her on facebook telling her why I wanted to get a hold of her but how it’s already too late now so I have to resort to facebook and tell her how I felt and all that stupid drivel… Now the next day, she responds to the message. I don’t have the actual message anymore because I finally wised up and left that glorified social crutch known as “facebook” a few days ago.

(cont…)

 

[exoflare]

(cont…)

She says basically:

OK. Here’s the honest deal, I haven’t been responding lately because when ‘people’ (womanese for “YOU”) come on really strong with me and call several times a day (I guess the word “several” means “once” now ) and are extremely insistent it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I’ve had a stalker in the past and have had really bad experiences with people. Also I didn’t want to encourage something when I was about to leave. (so she figures that the only way to prevent starting a relationship, is to completely ignore my calls? what kind of logic is that?? I call BS…) I felt bad about it and talked to Father about it when I went to confession yesterday. I probably should have called you (naaaw??) but right now my primary concern is my state of mind and my safety. (I don’t know WHY she is concerned about her “safety”, mind you… I guess I was having an out-of-body experience when I wrote down all the violent threatening stuff ) I know that sounds self-centered (no, just paranoid) but if I don’t look out for that then I don’t have anything left to give to anyone. Your approach skyrocketed my anxiety. (as if I ever had a chance to “approach”!)

The next day I apologized if I overreacted and told her I was just anxious about the time limit. She told me there was nothing to forgive, and that she wasn’t upset.

A week later, after no contact, I sent a fairly lengthy facebook message for the expressed purpose of straightening out the misunderstandings that I thought may have come up… Among other things, emphasizing that I didn’t mean to put any pressure on her, and that I would have respected her wishes on not starting anything before she left, and that I wasn’t trying to force anything. The main thing anyway was I wanted to get it off my chest how I felt. She replied merely thanking me for my “letter” (trying to make it sound all stalkerish, I suppose? ) and that she really appreciated it and my honesty. (whatever)

I’m worried, though - does she seriously believe I could be STALKING her?? I can’t even get myself to believe she could entertain such a notion, but then what was with all that talk about being concerned about her safety and all that? This is just unreal. And the other thing is, I know a lot of her family over here and they’re pretty active with both churches that I attend, as well as other private Catholic functions around here. Even if I don’t have to run into this girl anytime soon (I will eventually!) the time is coming soon where I will inevitably run across her family in some way. I’ve been scared to go to things now for fear of what they might have been told about me, but I can’t keep this up forever. Sooner or later, something is going to have to give.

I don’t know … just, I mean … WHY?! :banghead: :crying:

 

[dulcissima]

OK, that is not stalking, and she admitted that she has a problem with dealing with this since she has been stalked in the past. I would just let it go, give her the space, and move on. Don’t worry about what other people would think. If she told anyone about this they would clearly see that you were not stalking her, just having the normal contact that someone who is interested in someone might make. Don’t feel self-conscious about it. Things didn’t work out. That happens. No one else would think anything about it. Really.

 

[exoflare]

I know, I might be TOO worried about this… and yes, as I’ve gone out of my way to say before, I’m not even contacting her at all anymore. These are the 2 main things that still kind of eat at me though…

ONE - What reason did she have to be concerned of her “safety”? It just makes me feel like scum to think I could have made anyone fear for their safety in any way.

TWO - Why would she say I called her several times a day when we both know it was only once a day? (dulcissima, regarding what you said… if she told other people accurately what happened, then of course they would think nothing of it… but not if she blew it out of proportion like this!)

 

[Island_Oak]

You have put far more energy into explaining and analyzing this than has ever been justified by her interest or response to you. Sorry to say, she’s just not that into you or she*** would have*** found a way to contact/see you. Whether it’s bruised ego or hurt feelings…move on and don’t waste another ounce of energy or more time on worrying about the impression you made. Since she never made the effort to even call, I highly doubt she is talking about your non-relationship with anyone.

 

[exoflare]

You have put far more energy into explaining and analyzing this than has ever been justified by her interest or response to you. Sorry to say, she’s just not that into you or she*** would have*** found a way to contact/see you. Whether it’s bruised ego or hurt feelings…move on and don’t waste another ounce of energy or more time on worrying about the impression you made. Since she never made the effort to even call, I highly doubt she is talking about your non-relationship with anyone.

She did call. Didn’t you read the thread? This is EXACTLY why I explain things in such detail. Otherwise, someone will always come in and try to jump to conclusions.

 

[FrankLawrence]

I feel your pain. It really vexes me when women lack the common courtesy to return phone calls. It is beyond obnoxious. Then, if you even THINK about calling her a second time, you run the risk of getting falsely accused of stalking. A general rule is that if she doesn’t return your phone call in a timely manner, SHE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. Don’t ever attempt to contact her in any way again. She had her chance and she blew it. Don’t change your life over her. Attend the Church functions you’ve always attended. If she has a problem with that, let HER leave them. Give the other people there more credit than to believe lies that may not have even been said. Don’t ever talk about her anymore. Find someone new and move on(I know I know. Easier said than done.) At the same time, remember that Jesus died for her sins, too. She apologized, and you are called to forgive her, as in don’t seek revenge on her or harbor bitter feelings in your heart. At the same time, don’t be her doormat. Keep her out of your life. You deserve better.

 

[Island_Oak]

Yes I did. And one call doesn’t change my conclusion…the advice stands. Let it go…you’re sounding a little obsessive.

 

[exoflare]

I feel your pain. It really vexes me when women lack the common courtesy to return phone calls. It is beyond obnoxious. Then, if you even THINK about calling her a second time, you run the risk of getting falsely accused of stalking. A general rule is that if she doesn’t return your phone call in a timely manner, SHE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. Don’t ever attempt to contact her in any way again. She had her chance and she blew it. Don’t change your life over her.

Yes, I completely agree. And this is exactly what I’ve been doing.

Attend the Church functions you’ve always attended. If she has a problem with that, let HER leave them. Give the other people there more credit than to believe lies that may not have even been said. Don’t ever talk about her anymore. Find someone new and move on(I know I know. Easier said than done.)

I agree, not to give it a second thought about pursuing her. It was just the nagging feeling that maybe I myself had done something wrong. Apparently that is not the case, however.

At the same time, remember that Jesus died for her sins, too. She apologized, and you are called to forgive her, as in don’t seek revenge on her or harbor bitter feelings in your heart. At the same time, don’t be her doormat. Keep her out of your life. You deserve better.

I’m trying my best to do just this. It’s hard, but I am doing my best.

 

[exoflare]

Yes I did. And one call doesn’t change my conclusion…the advice stands. Let it go…you’re sounding a little obsessive.

Being accused of stalking (my impression) is no light matter. Sorry I feel that way.

But again - I made it clear from the beginning that I wasn’t pursuing this anymore to begin with. That wasn’t even the reason I posted this! Of course who am I to judge my own motives?

 

[FrankLawrence]

ONE - What reason did she have to be concerned of her “safety”? It just makes me feel like scum to think I could have made anyone fear for their safety in any way.

Based on what you described, her reaction was irrational. The problem is with her, not with you. If the people at your church can’t see that, then they aren’t friends worth having either.

 

[1ke]

Let it go.

Don’t try to analyze it.

Don’t try to rationalize it.

Don’t try to explain.

Press the delete key.

And, go about your business. If you see her family, friends, or her-- just act like nothing occurred and you haven’t a care in the world.

 

[exoflare]

Based on what you described, her reaction was irrational. The problem is with her, not with you. If the people at your church can’t see that, then they aren’t friends worth having either.

That was my impression as well. I guess I just needed reassurance that it wasn’t something bad on my part. One thing is I’ve had really severe social phobia for most of my life until I was already in college, and so I had to make social blunders to learn lessons for myself at a much later age than most others would have. I’m mostly recovered, but sometimes I still do get worried that maybe I made a mistake that I just don’t realize, or that others may be too “polite” to point out.

edit: It just occured to me, this may very well be why others see this as “obsessing” over something rather insignificant. Especially when they ASSUME that I’m worried about pursuing the girl further, rather than improving myself and avoiding potential mistakes in the future…

 

[exoflare]

Actually, I think the others at my churches would definitely see it from my point of view, even if she did tell them for some reason. I’m not as worried about it if you guys don’t see any mistake that I made.

Even her family, they are so nice to me all the time, that I’m certain they will undertstand too.

 

[Island_Oak]

(cont…)

She says basically:

“OK. Here’s the honest deal,** I haven’t been responding lately because** when ‘people’ (womanese for “YOU”) come on really strong with me and call several times a day (I guess the word “several” means “once” now ) and are extremely insistent it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I’ve had a stalker in the past and have had really bad experiences with people. Also I didn’t want to encourage something when I was about to leave…”

ok…Let’s review this together, shall we? She was very specific and honest about why she didn’t call (again) 1) she felt you came on too strong and it made her uncomfortable; 2) She didn’t want to start something just as she was leaving town. You don’t have to agree with her opinion in order for it to be valid, but she NEVER accused YOU of being a stalker.

The next day I apologized if I overreacted and told her I was just anxious about the time limit. She told me there was nothing to forgive, and that she wasn’t upset.

There is no problem in her mind, only in yours. Nor would I surmise is there any interest on her part in having a relationship with you. She was direct and honest. Be disappointed, but don’t be paranoid and be done with it.

 

[exoflare]

ok…Let’s review this together, shall we? She was very specific and honest about why she didn’t call (again) 1) she felt you came on too strong and it made her uncomfortable;

As long as it’s all in her head, about me coming on too strong, it doesn’t matter to me… What I was concerned about, for the reasons I just stated, was the possibility that maybe it was ME who had done something wrong.

If I have not, then wonderful. I just wasn’t sure.

1. She didn’t want to start something just as she was leaving town. You don’t have to agree with her opinion in order for it to be valid, but she NEVER accused YOU of being a stalker.

Like I said, I don’t mind the fact that she didn’t want to start something. But it sounded to me somewhat like she was implying that I was a stalker. If I was wrong about that, well then good - I hope so!!

There is no problem in her mind, only in yours.

Fearing for her safety, I would consider a problem in her mind.

Nor would I surmise is there any interest on her part in having a relationship with you.

Not now, obviously! But like I keep saying, that’s NOT the issue.

She was direct and honest. Be disappointed, but don’t be paranoid and be done with it.

LOL I was worried at first but now this is just funny, you keep assuming I’m still after her! Anyway I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not, but I won’t be chastised just for daring to ask.

 

[ChinaDad]

It doesn’t sound to me like she’s going to be telling anyone at church anything much, especially if she’s gone away to school. I think if you make more of it from this point, you will be bringing it to the forefront of people’s minds.

Let it go and move on dude.

If you don’t, and you decide to contact her again, it very well may scare her (it doesn’t matter if she has reason to be scared or not), and by what you’ve said, I can tell you wouldn’t want her to be afraid because of anything you’ve said or done. If you don’t let it go, and you do call her again, she may very well call the police (doesn’t sound like she has so far).

So I’ll say it again, LET IT GO.

If this still bothers you… pray. Pray that Jesus will take these worries from you. God knows what’s in your heart and in your mind. God knows your need before you even ask.

Father, please take the worry from this man. Please help him to understand that only he knows his motives and to try and explain his actions to this young lady again would be harmful to him and to her. Father, I have great confidence that You will do this for our child becuase he is in need of Your assistance. Come to his aid now. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

[exoflare]

Note: It seems this always comes up, so I’m just going to get it out of the way right now… NO I am NOT continuing any contact with this person! Nor am I looking to pursue this any further! I would assume this was obvious, but from recent experience talking about this, lots of people always seem so quick to assume one or the other.

haha now I’m starting to wonder if John the Baptist was the last prophet after all…

 

[exoflare]

It doesn’t sound to me like she’s going to be telling anyone at church anything much, especially if she’s gone away to school. I think if you make more of it from this point, you will be bringing it to the forefront of people’s minds.

Let it go and move on dude.

If you don’t, and you decide to contact her again, it very well may scare her (it doesn’t matter if she has reason to be scared or not), and by what you’ve said, I can tell you wouldn’t want her to be afraid because of anything you’ve said or done. If you don’t let it go, and you do call her again, she may very well call the police (doesn’t sound like she has so far).

So I’ll say it again, LET IT GO.

If this still bothers you… pray. Pray that Jesus will take these worries from you. God knows what’s in your heart and in your mind. God knows your need before you even ask.

Father, please take the worry from this man. Please help him to understand that only he knows his motives and to try and explain his actions to this young lady again would be harmful to him and to her. Father, I have great confidence that You will do this for our child becuase he is in need of Your assistance. Come to his aid now. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Yeah, I’m not contacting her any more. Also, I haven’t mentioned this before, but I haven’t talked about it face-to-face with anyone here in town… just with strangers on the internet. I do appreciate all your prayers very much!

 

[exoflare]

Also I’ve been going to adoration a lot more lately. This has been keeping me afloat, so to speak.

I really like this emoticon for some reason, I could watch it all day lol