This is so frustrating!

[mom2boyz]

You are only looking at what your mother did as a sacrifice. But what about how your dad didn’t get to be there to hear and see all that your mother did. He sacrificed too only in a different way. He didn’t have the pleasure of being the hands on parent. You are being very narrow in your view of what sacrifice is. No one gets it all whether they are men or women. A career is just one thing. But what I know about careers is that for the most part if you leave your job someone will replace you. If you don’t parent your children, no one will replace you.

Did you ever think that what your mom did wasn’t about sacrifice, but about love. I don’t particularly like to clean toilets, but I love providing a clean home for my children and husband. Recently my 6 y/o son told me he “loved my cleaning.” For that I would clean a thousand toilets.

To think that men don’t sacrifice is to take a very narrow view of what they do. It’s a case of the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Well, if you care for the grass on your side then it will be plenty green.

It is hard for me to believe that your mom never had a moment to herself with two kids. I’ve got two boys (3 & 6) and I can find a moment when I need it.

Today, Saturday, my husband took my boys to skating lessons, then they went to get my oldest son his allergy shot, and then they had lunch. He got them ready for church this evening and read them stories before bed. Oh and as I am writing this I can hear him putting the dishes in the dishwasher and I didn’t even have to ask. He’s involved, but it does require that I let him be involved and don’t require him to do it “my way or the highway.”

I was were you are now. I couldn’t have got it either and no matter what we say you may not get it right now. But there is something very wonderful about being a mother and a wife and taking care of your family.

 

[Alterum]

Princess_Abby:

so what exactly does your fiance say about all of this?

Her fiance is perfectly willing to sacrifice his personal life for the good of his future wife.

I think there are sections of society in which men are malicious towards their wives, and in which men do in large part abandon their families to pursue a career, while their wives are trapped at home. However, I certainly don’t think this is representative of all of society; I think there are many families where husband and wife put family first and career second, and do whatever they have to do to serve God. This may involve the father staying home or it may not. As long as, in principle, both spouses are willing to sacrifice and do whatever God wants, and whatever will provide the greatest good for the families, I think the situation is wonderful. Sadly, I do not believe this attitude is the norm.

 

[jjdoc4home]

I agree, this is so frustrating!! I am an educated doctor, who had her own practice for 6 yrs., after working for 3 yrs. for others. In the midst of that, I had my family. I started working when I had my first child, and he was 6 mos. old. I had worked hard to get through college, graduate school and my internship, then got married and pregnant and suddenly was thrust into both my career and motherhood simultaneously. It was CRAZY! But I did it, because THAT’S WHAT I SPENT THE LAST 9 YRS. TRAINING FOR…RIGHT??? I put my firstborn into daycare after daycare until he started school. I hated it. Then when I had my own practice, I converted a room into a nursery, and had 2 more children and kept them in the office with a nanny during my work hours. This way, they were right down the hall, the nanny had accountability (anyone could walk by anytime-none of that in-house childcare abuse for me!!) and my kids felt comfortable when “we went to work.” It was a lot more work on my part, keeping them fed, entertained and ready for anything to happen at work…and it did, frequently. I loved it, my patients loved it. They watched them growing, and it made a traditional medical office environment very homey and “family-like.” I live in the south, and my male counterparts thought I was crazy, since I certainly wasn’t making millions, but I sure was paying the bills, and breastfeeding at the same time! Then baby number four was on the way, and I knew in my heart that I could no longer “keep all the balls in the air.” So, I sold my practice and now I stay at home. I look back on that “perfect” set-up, and think…“how did I do that for 6 years???” I now know my girls better than I ever did. They all rejoiced at my being home all the time, and not being exhausted all the time. We are homeschooling. We love it. My kids have the benefit of my 9 yrs. of education. So, do I miss my practice??? No, I miss all the personalities I was able to connect with. The relationships. Do I miss fighting constantly with my husband about helping me with the house, the shopping, the bathing??? Nope. It really is a struggle, and we all need to set our priorities. I have a young friend determined to be the woman who does it all and has it all. I’m really trying to counsel her to pray hard about it. I “did” have it all, but I really didn’t. My instinct to nurture was better placed with my family, although I never knew that until I had one.

 

[Tietjen]

Your situation sounds very familiar to the situation I am in. My wife and I married young (I was 20 she was 18). I was in the military and she was in college at the time. I came down on orders for Germany after our marriage and she gave up college to join me in Europe. We had our first of three babies and she was a “stay-at-home” mom throughout the 10½ years I was in the military. I was missing everything relating to my children, first words, first steps, first day of school, etc. and absolutely hated that though I loved the military. Finally, after 10½ years, I left the military for this very reason. We were forced to relocate throughout the world about every two years and I didn’t want my children having to switch schools, give up friends, etc. I then went to school fulltime and got my degree while working in a factory fulltime to support my family. My wife had finished earning her degree will I was serving in the military. After I completed school, she wanted to start a career. That sounded fair to me, the kids were older, she had postponed her professional life for me while I was in the military, and it seemed reasonable and fair that she should pursue her dreams. She entered the work force and her career exploded. She excelled and did extremely well. I started another career as well, one that I really loved and life was great. The kids were in junior high and elementary school and I worked third shifts while my wife worked during the day so there was always someone at home should the children need anything. Then, my wife was offered a promotion, which called for her to move to another state. This would mean that I would have to give up my career and start over. Something happened gradually during this time. My wife started putting her career first before all things to include the family. She thrived on excelling at work and the family began to suffer. Today, she puts in 10-12 hours in everyday during the week and usually another 4-6 hours during weekends. The woman that I married, the one who had been so committed to family, now saw the family as a burden. The move, do to her promotion, has played a toll on both the children and I and there has been no opportunity for me to start another career because it would mean that no one would be home to cook, clean, do laundry, chauffer children to and from play practice and baseball, grocery shop, etc. Currently I’d love to find a part-time job if for no other reason than to get out of the house every once in a while, yet I don’t really wish to work at the drive-though window of McDonalds at age 40. Things have come to a head and my wife is now talking about separating. Do to her long hours and business trips, we don’t see much of her anyway and the kids, as do I resent the fact that she is away as much as she is. This, of course, does not play well when she is home and the tension in the house can be cut with a knife.

I am not saying that you will have the same problem. What I am saying is that a long time ago, I once had a wife who felt as you do now. Who wanted a family first but also wanted a career. She waited 10½ years to get her career and gradually, that career became her life and the family took a back seat. Now, the family is standing on the side of the road watching as she drives away, wondering to themselves what happened. Be careful what you wish for and should you ever start that career you so desperately want, NEVER allow it to become the main focus of your life! That advice goes out to men too. Don’t live to work instead, work to live. God and family ARE the most important things in life, NOT careers!

Pax Vobiscum

Soli Deo Gloria

 

[Marie_Cecilia]

Hermione,
I am amazed to read your entries. What is amazing is, I used to think almost the same way as you. I even wanted a hysterectomy at age 14 because I believed I was the most talented actress and singer, and did not want to be so-called “burdened” with the prospect of having children as an adult. For the record, I now completely understand that act would have been a blasphemy to God and His plan for procreation. How absurd my thinking was! I am so happy that the Holy Spirit worked in me to make my eyes open to the absolute beauty of God’s future plan.

Now, firstly, you can prove that from that first paragraph, I was not properly catechized, both in the home and in 12 years of Catholic school. Sad, isn’t it? Secondly, I listened to the seductive voice of the world, which told me, I could have it all. I used to look so down upon motherhood, I think because my own mother felt very unthanked. So I naturally did not want any part of that. What I was too naive to realize was that my own mothering experience would be (and is) vastly, night-and-day different than my mother’s; that I would not be reliving my own mother’s experience.

Of course, I practiced my craft, well into college. I appeared in all the musicals and opera scenes and local opera as I could. I took my voice lessons and drama class. But, God thankfully put into my heart an ability to fall in love with someone. And that man, I married. Eleven years and two children later, we are happily living out our vocation as a married “onesome,” who is madly in love with our faith, each other, and our little family.

But I am compelled to share something else with you: before our first two live children, my husband and I had a miscarriage. We did not know we were pregnant - I have been known to skip my cycle under extreme stress, so when I skipped, I didn’t think anything of it. But all of a sudden, there I was, hemorrhaging and not a clue as to why. [Now, until this time (this was FIVE years into our marriage, and we were a very career-bound couple), we were sitting on the fence as to whether or not to have children. Just didn’t know if we wanted to deal with them. Or, shall I say, our *perception of them.]

So, we figured out that we were miscarrying, and would you know, my heart broke in such a way that I* could not be consoled for an entire week, and even now I look so forward to cradling my little one in Heaven someday. * I tried to go to work about three days after it happened: walked in the doors at work, got to my desk, and burst into tears. Why? Because the Good God, our Lord who gives us all abundant graces, put into my heart the ability to love someone smaller than I. He put into my heart, and of course my husband’s, a fervent desire to have successive children!

So that, very much in a nutshell, brings us to today. We very much want to have 4 or 5 children. All this resulting from not being sure about the whole thing, going through the pain of a miscarriage, the realization that we WERE in fact being called to the blessed vocation of parenthood, and two wonderful young children so far.

I also had a skewed image of husbandly and wifely duties. I did not know I would be so blessed to have a husband who, wordlessly, pitches in and does dishes, vacuuming, laundry, bills, and toilets. Not that I don’t sit on my behind and watch him. I do my share of these chores, too, in addition to staying home with the little ones. And, he thanks me!! It’s just that he and I so keenly understand the importance of giving 100%/100%.

And was my degree wasted? Hah! I sing for my children daily, in addition to at church, and they in turn love to sing. But more importantly, I impart to them the lives of the Saints, and try to inspire them to become one themselves. The rest is up to God!

That is our story. Yours is undoubtedly different, as the Good God makes us all wonderfully different. I pray that you discern in heartfelt prayer how God would have you live your life. As someone in an earlier post said (and I am paraphrasing), you’ll regret not spending more time with your children, but you won’t wish you spent another hour at the office when you are 80. I pray you get your priorities straight - and moreover, I would be impressed if you spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and just listen to how Jesus speaks to you. You will be happy you did.

 

[Tom_of_Assisi]

AirForceMama:

My husband and I both work full time, and our kids are in daycare. However, even if I wasn’t working, I’d still have them in daycare, just not all day.

Why bother having kids if you are going to pay someone else to raise them for you?

 

[AirForceMama]

Tom of Assisi:

Why bother having kids if you are going to pay someone else to raise them for you?

I said I wouldn’t have them in all day. Maybe twice a week, half days. I think preschool is a very good experience for young children. The interaction among others their own age does wonders on their social skills. I don’t choose to be their ONLY teacher. I am not perfect. I do not want to shelter my kids. And I don’t want kindergarten to be a complete shock to them. I know there are so many parents on this board that thinks anyone who leaves their children for 2 seconds with someone else are abandoning them. I, for one, do not feel that way. Especially when I don’t have much of a choice right now.

And you can’t tell me there is a “Catholic” teaching against preschools when almost every parish has their own, or mom’s day out programs.

Also - my husband’s signature on this board is something like “I’ll fight in wars today, so my children won’t have to tomorrow”. In order for my husband to be in the military, I have to work full-time for a little while. I can only hope and pray that what he’s doing will make the world an easier place to live in when my kids are older. And if it means they have to be in daycare right now, then so be it.

 

[TreeHugger]

Tietjen:

She waited 10½ years to get her career and gradually, that career became her life and the family took a back seat.

I believe this is an all too common occurence today. Your situation is similar to my own family’s. My mother decided after having her 4th child that it was time to go back to school. Eventually, her newfound passion became her life, and she left my dad and us four kids.

 

[jimmy]

Hermione:

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and it seems like the only alternatives for women in today’s society are these: 1) if a woman wants to pursue interests not related to the family and be successful she must forsake her husband and children and emulate careerist men or 2) if a woman wants to be a good wife and good mother she must throw away the idea of doing something else with her talents.

I’m a woman and I want to have both! I certainly don’t want to use birth control, I don’t want to see my future children as burdens standing in the way of my personal development. I would NEVER want to put my children in daycare because I don’t think it’s appropriate for a stranger with no love for the children to spend many hours – possibly more than the parents - each day with them. (Although I realize that some people need to have both parents working full time to earn enough money for food and housing, and there’s nothing wrong with that.) I want to love my children, I want them to be raised by their parents and not daycare, I want to be a good wife, I want my family to be my number one priority!!! At the same time, I’ve always wanted to pursue higher education. I’ve been interested in these things ever since I was a child and I would be very sad if I was never able to do them. I’ve always been the best in my class in the areas I want to study, and I don’t understand why God would give me these abilities and interests if He never wanted me to use them.
…

Hello Hermione,

When I was younger, my mom worked at a preschool. She took my little sister with her to the preschool.

What kind of job do you want to get? Do you want to be a corporate woman? Or a teacher? What do you want to do?

I don’t think it is practical for the husband to work for a few years and then take off for a while and just be a stay at home dad. Not that it wouldn’t be good. But don’t you think it would be tough to hold a job where you are just taking time off to be a stay at home dad? I would say that most companies would want there employees there.

Most men feel that they are responsible for taking care of the wife and there kids, so they do not want to sit at home and not take care of business. They also may feel a little insecure not making money for the family. Men are supposed to suppor the family according to society.

 

[Lorarose]

Hey Hermione!!

I hear ya sister!! I have felt much the same way about this.
Here’s the thing…you have these strong feelings now that conflict with each other - but someday things will become more clear because holding your own child in your arms helps clear up priorities.
The good news is that our lives continually change. Whatever choice you make at a certain point in time does not have to continue throughout your life.
Babies and toddlers definitely need your full attention (or your husband’s) - but they grow, and they learn to become more self sufficient.

I have done it all.
When I first was married I had my first child right away while I was finishing my bachelor’s degree, and while I was working part time. I was able to do this with my husband’s help, and also with the help of extended family.
I worked full time. I had more kids and switched to part time. I had more kids and stayed at home.
Now I am planning what I will do when my youngest goes to school in 2 yrs.

You see? You don’t have to decide RIGHT NOW what you will do.
This is something that requires patience, cooperation with your spouse, creativity, and trust in God.

I think you’re up to the task!!

 

[martino]

Hermione:

Why can’t men and women work together, BOTH putting their family first, and allowing both the man and the woman to use their talents outside of the home?

It seems like the “traditional” way assumes that God never gives women any talents and never wants women to serve society with their creativity and intelligence etc.

The “traditional” way also downplays the importance of fathers. All the research shows that children (especially the boys) benefit A LOT from fathers who spend time raising them.

Frankly I think the best way to have a family is if both the mother and father work PART TIME and BOTH are there for their children. But if part time work is not practical, parents should take turns working full time and parenting.

You dont need anyones approval, just do what you think is best for your family.