This may seem like a crazy question, but I have to ask anyway. Why do people want kids?

[Bataar]

Just wondering, Bataar, with the way you describe yourself, have you been diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder such as Asperger’s syndrome?

Do you not have ANY relationships that you value, such as parents, grandparents, siblings, friends?

If you can think of anyone that you love, imagine that multiplied many many times, and that is what most parents feel for their children.

For me, the moments of joy I receive through my children far outweigh the times of frustration and exhaustion.

Praying for you.

I just looked that up and there are definitely some symptoms I have. Ever since I was a little kid and continuing to today, I’ve always just had a few interests/hobbies that I focused all my energy on. When I was little, I had a hobby of collecting butterflies. I’d sit on the backyard swingset for hours upon hours waiting to see a butterfly I could attempt to catch. My younger brother would participate as well, but too a lesser degree. When I was in school, I would get all A’s in a subject that interested me, but if it didn’t, even if I understood it, I’d get Ds or Cs usually. I do have a high IQ that, depending on the tests’ questions, ranges from 136 to 144.

Maybe it’s just a variance of a symptom, but one of things many articles mention has being an indicator is the lack of understanding emotion in others. Missing visual queues like eye contact, gestures, etc. When it comes to that, I’m very observant. I pick up almost everything. The problem (this goes back to the sociopath information) is that I just might not care. If someone is hurt, or upset, I know how to act and what to say, but really, I won’t care. It’s even worse if I think the reason a person is upset is a “dumb” reason. Because then, even if I’m comforting a person, in my mind, I’m thinking, “What a stupid person to be upset at that!” or something similar.

Another staple of Asperger Syndrome is that the person doesn’t know how to behave in social situations. When it comes to my ability to manage social conduct, I feel I manage it just fine. I’m polite, considerate, etc, I just find it extremely boring. When it comes to my conversation ability, I’m a great conversationalist, but unless it’s a subject I’m interested in, I’m pretty much acting. Typically, if there is a group activity/conversation, I’m the one who pretty much just stands there and sort of pays attention and thinks of other interesting things to keep my mind occupied.

The scary thing is, that after looking up different “conditions” while researching Asperger Syndrome, is that I seem to also share a number of traits associated with a Sociopath. Fortunately, I don’t have the “really bad” ones. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem that there’s any kind of treatment for either condition.

 

[dkoinzan]

Why don’t you first try confession. I know when I seem to be thinking entirely to much of myself, reflection on my sins brings me into perspective.

 

[GhostMan]

You may also have the condition know as “immature, yet growing into adult”. Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. I can relate to some of your statements, but I had a better childhood, I suspect so I wasn’t as damaged.

I am a logical person and value logic and reason very highly. I’m a firm believer that “there are no stupid questions, only stupid people who have questions.” Well, not so much a firm believer now, mind you, twenty years ago, though it was my mantra.

Maturity brings with it a fine-tuning on the soul. For some of us, that first had to start witha coarse-tuning. I was not a people-person as a younger man. I was not cruel, or mean, or angry, just distant and I failed to see the necessity in forming relationships.

My marriage was the one place where that wasn’t the case, though, and I suspect it made a great deal of difference. My wife was patient and kind and gentle and showed me so many things about the value of people. Through some miricle, I’ve now come almost 180 degrees: I see people first and logic second. It has been a long path and it took a woman who had the patience and desire to help me get there.

As for the children part, friend, it’s just one of those things you can’t imagine. When I hold my baby girl, I am content. 100% content - can you put a price on that? When I play with my two year old I am transported away from life to another place. She is a delight to my soul. When I see my teenage boys accomplish great things, I burst with pride. When I watch my daughters graduate college and take on the huge world by themselves, I am awed.

Life is too short for logic. It will fail you. It is a miarge. There is truth in logic, but logic is not truth. Set up a truth-table for yourself and prove it. I did at one point.

Do not run from your creative side - find it and embrace it. It will not take away from your ability to reason and think. You may be one of those people who are blessed with great creativity and great reason.

Finally, the meaning of life is simple: do as much good unto others as you can. Nothing else has earthy value. As summarized in the Old Test:

Do justice, love kindness and walk humbly with the Lord you God.

There is no logic or reason in those commands; they are the antithesis of man’s beliefs. There may be nothing in it for you - from a human standpoint. It is, however, the secret to contentment.

 

[John_AH]

More to Love, period. There is nothing like someone who needs you to love them allot for their very existance.

God Bless,
John

 

[perfectpeach]

My children are NOT financial transactions and I have never viewed them that way. If they cost $1million to raise, I would still have them as they are my riches.

 

[SarahN]

Bataar,

My opinion (and that’s all it is) is that marriage & parenthood are a calling. I see raising my daughter as a vocation - it’s something felt in the heart and there is no rational explanation for that desire.

You may not have this calling. If that’s the case, then your reflection on the subject will lead you to where you need to be. In my case, my husband & I were led to the right place at the right time to become parents through adoption. If you are meant to become a parent, you will find that right time, the right situation and the “why” will be irrelevant.

Take care,
SarahN

 

[Cari]

My life is of no value if I don’t use it serving God.

The Lord has provided me with four (so far) daily opportunities to empty myself of myself and be a small, imperfect mirror of the generosity, patience, and self-sacrificing love that is God.

Me without children was self-absorbed, worldly, and spiritually immature. Me with children still struggles with those same temptations, but now (imperfectly) understands the true nature of Christ’s total act of self-sacrificing love and strives to imitate it (no matter how poorly).

Is parenthood the only path God provides for this spiritual journey? Of course not. But it was the one He called me down, and because of the blessings of my children, I strive to be a better person.

And that’s why I want kids.

 

[Bataar]

My life is of no value if I don’t use it serving God.

The Lord has provided me with four (so far) daily opportunities to empty myself of myself and be a small, imperfect mirror of the generosity, patience, and self-sacrificing love that is God.

Me without children was self-absorbed, worldly, and spiritually immature. Me with children still struggles with those same temptations, but now (imperfectly) understands the true nature of Christ’s total act of self-sacrificing love and strives to imitate it (no matter how poorly).

Is parenthood the only path God provides for this spiritual journey? Of course not. But it was the one He called me down, and because of the blessings of my children, I strive to be a better person.

And that’s why I want kids.

I agree about finding God’s will. My problem is that I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if my personality issues are there to help me accomplish God’s will or if it’s a roadblock to accomplishing God’s will. I pray about it, but nothing seems to indicate I should be doing anything differently. When I first posted the threat on this board (and on another Catholic board), it was just an issue of curiosity. I knew I was an introvert, but even introverts value personal relationships. I just don’t care. I don’t tend to value emotion that much which is also unusual for mere introversion.

 

[John_AH]

I agree about finding God’s will. My problem is that I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if my personality issues are there to help me accomplish God’s will or if it’s a roadblock to accomplishing God’s will. I pray about it, but nothing seems to indicate I should be doing anything differently. When I first posted the threat on this board (and on another Catholic board), it was just an issue of curiosity. I knew I was an introvert, but even introverts value personal relationships. I just don’t care. I don’t tend to value emotion that much which is also unusual for mere introversion.

I’m from the same back ground. Life made me an introvert. I stayed away from people for a long time, mostly because I was affraid of being involved or commited. When I started accepting God deeper into my life I started to find that opening my heart to people was probably one of the best things I could do. I like to say nowadays that my heart is open to all! My introvertness still hurts me because I seriously lack communication skills but God is healing me slowly but surely. There is nothing I would love more than to find someone to get intimatly close with till death do us part and the fruit that it brings.

All I can say is trust in God and take that step, it is soooo worth it!

God’s servant,
John Anthony

 

[Salonika]

While I recognised at a young age children were not for me and I often can’t work out exactly “why” some people want children I can see that they do.

I see in their faces, in how they interact with their children just how much they love them. These people often say they always knew they wanted children and would have felt incomplete with them.

Also maybe sometimes things are too deep within for us to be able to explain them.

And Bataar, I don’t think you asked a crazy question. Bet there’s a lot of others who wonder.

 

[bpbasilphx]

Have you ever asked your parents why they wanted you?

There’s your answer.

 

[Bataar]

Have you ever asked your parents why they wanted you?

There’s your answer.

Yeah. Like a lot of people here, they said because of love. To me the next logical question was, “How did you know you’d love me?” I think she said something like, they just knew. I freely admit I don’t understand that. It’s sort of like when I hear of people getting married. The idea that you can want to be with a particular person so much that you’re willing to risk so much is, I’m sorry to say, completely foreign to me. I just don’t like having to depend on other people.

 

[Salonika]

Have you ever asked your parents why they wanted you?

I’d take care with that question as it could backfire and result in someone being more, rather than less, confused if the answer was “we didn’t want you”.

Also sometimes parent’s behaviours contradicts the statement that the child was wanted or the type of child they got was wanted. I’ve known boys who kept being told that they should have been a girl and the other way round. Also being told I wanted someone quieter and more thoughful or someone more outgoing.

 

[Steeltemplar]

First, Bataar, I don’t think it is wrong for you to ask this if it is something that is truly on your mind. It is better for you to deal with it than to just go on with it.

I think that one thing which ought to be addressed is the resources you mentioned which are required in raising children.

1. Financial

Is money an end unto itself? Or is it a means of supporting other activities? Of course, it is the latter. If a person was alone on a deserted island with a billion dollars, it would not be doing them any more good than the paper it was printed on.

So earning money must serve a purpose in our lives. And for it to be truly worthwhile requires a meaningful purpose. As much as I like my car, I would not say that it brings me happiness in my life. However, if the car brings me to see loved ones, then it serves the meaningful purpose of being with those I care about.

Or if my car brings me to Mass, then the meaningful purpose is in my faith.

But the main point is that no amount of wealth, no amount of things, will ever bring anyone real happiness. We find true fulfillment through God and the gifts of His love, which includes the love of His children - that is, our fellow humans.

1. Emotional

One of the great truths of our lives as God intended is that we should cherish the opportunity to give to others. In giving, indeed in sacrificing, there is a wonderful purpose within us. There is a satisfaction in this which is greater than what we can find by ourselves.

Being a parent requires a great deal of emotional giving. There is no doubt of that. It can be hard. It is not always pleasant. However, it is a reward in itself to do this. It is a source of fulfillment to reach outside of ourselves and find someone to value in such a deep way.

Even though I try my best to make sure that my parents know how much I love them and how much I appreciate all that they have done, I have come to see that my appreciation is not why they did it. Their love is unconditional for me. Of course, they are happy when I love them in return. But their dedication requires no reciprocation. And in this is the essence of real love.

 

[THutch04]

Good question. My parents told me they didn’t want me or my sister, they only did it out of family obligation. If they didn’t have children the family would basically die out. Neither one of them wanted that, so they gave in and had us anyway.

 

[Shylah]

Good question. My parents told me they didn’t want me or my sister, they only did it out of family obligation. If they didn’t have children the family would basically die out. Neither one of them wanted that, so they gave in and had us anyway.

O.O Are you serious? That’s a terrible thing to tell someone! Oh man… I’m so sorry…

Well, we are glad you are here! Life is a beautiful thing… even if it’s not perfect…

 

[Steeltemplar]

O.O Are you serious? That’s a terrible thing to tell someone! Oh man… I’m so sorry…

Well, we are glad you are here! Life is a beautiful thing… even if it’s not perfect…

I agree very much with Shylah. Every child of God is precious.

It is sad when someone does not see this. Especially so because if one does not open their heart to love another, then one cannot fully know love themselves.

 

[jmcrae]

I don’t know why I feel the way I do, Lord knows it’s not my intent, but I can’t help the way my mind works. I’m the kind of person that, for whatever reason, puts very little value in emotion and emotional connections and put a great value on logic, reason and analysis. I over analyze everything. I know I do. So when I consider the idea of having kids from that perspective, to me, it just doesn’t make sense.

Your child is your second self. Your child receives his being from you. He or she is your own beating heart, out walking around in the world. Having a child is a thrilling, terrifying adventure. You die inside every time something bad happens to them, and you just about burst with joy any time something good happens to them.

Of course, it’s hard work having a child. You are continually cleaning up after them, trying to discipline them, and it’s like herding cats to get them to do anything you want them to do. And then there is the expense - always something needs to be bought, that you had no idea even existed, before, and they are constantly losing their clothes - socks, mitts, sweaters, even underpants go missing and you just wonder what the heck is going on, sometimes.

But it’s worth it, in the end.

 

[Shylah]

People want kids because it is natural to promulgate the love of Christ in our lives. Christian love is about two or more people making a promise to each other, with Christ at the center of that promise. It is a covenant relationship, in which love permeates the relationship (i.e., the kid is loved whether he rescues a cat, drips ketchup on mom’s new white carpet, or cheats on an algebra exam), and it is eternal in that it does not cease with time. For those of us who want to be more Christ-like, it is only natural to want kids because we would have the opportunity to teach the kids how to love in a Christ-like manner so that the covenant relationship within the family is *mutual * among the members.

Bearing, raising, and loving kids is a selfless pursuit. It is about giving up the little “comforts” of the modern world to enter into an old-fashioned relationship built on love, trust, and obedience (with the kids obeying the parents, and the parents obeying their elders in the Church and in Heaven). What modern comfort could possibly replace the experiences of a kid’s face lighting up when seeing you enter a room? or the subsequent hug after the kid drops what she’s doing to run across the room to greet her mother?

I have 5 college degrees… all the way to a PhD, and would trade them all for just the chance at being a mom.

In fact… some day, I might do just that…

 

[Bataar]

I definitely have some kind of unknown personal issues because the idea of love just escapes me. I know I’m loved by family (especially my mother) but I just don’t feel that way toward other people. Sometimes I feel guilty because of it but I can’t help how I feel (or don’t feel). None of them know this because I put up a front but I still feel guilty sometimes.