This may seem like a crazy question, but I have to ask anyway. Why do people want kids?

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Bataar said:
I don’t know why I feel the way I do, Lord knows it’s not my intent, but I can’t help the way my mind works. I’m the kind of person that, for whatever reason, puts very little value in emotion and emotional connections and put a great value on logic, reason and analysis. I over analyze everything. I know I do. So when I consider the idea of having kids from that perspective, to me, it just doesn’t make sense.
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Love rarely makes sense.😉 I think that having children, while not without its challenges, is one of the most beautiful moments on earth. I suppose if we only looked at the challenges of things, we might not do anything. Why go to college, it is so expensive? Why get married…with the divorce rate so high? On and on…so, again–while parenting has its challenges, it is quite rewarding…far beyond anything I have ever done before in my life. I think that the pains and joys of parenting, also helps us to grow closer to God. If I wasn’t able to have children biologically, I know I would have adopted, as I just think being a parent, has drawn me closer to Christ.
 
Love isn’t a feeling its a decision. There are times that I don’t feel love for my kids or my husband. I decide that I will love them and put them before myself. It love was about warm fuzzy feelings, would Christ have died on the cross?
 
Bataar said:
I don’t know why I feel the way I do, Lord knows it’s not my intent, but I can’t help the way my mind works. I’m the kind of person that, for whatever reason, puts very little value in emotion and emotional connections and put a great value on logic, reason and analysis. I over analyze everything. I know I do. So when I consider the idea of having kids from that perspective, to me, it just doesn’t make sense.
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I’m an engineer so I can relate to your being more logical than emotional.

I have PCOS and was unable to give birth. So, my husband & I packed up and travelled to Russia to adopt (2 times).

Why did we want kids? Because we want a family. A husband and wife aren’t really a family without kids. My kids are fun, and plus, they love me.

There is no amount of money in the world that can buy a child laughing at your jokes, or making you a love note, or saying something embarassing or silly.
 
dkoinzan said:
Love isn’t a feeling its a decision. There are times that I don’t feel love for my kids or my husband. I decide that I will love them and put them before myself. It love was about warm fuzzy feelings, would Christ have died on the cross?
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There has to be some kind of feeling though to spark the decision to continue to love. Take a person’s significant other. They can’t just randomly pick some person out of a crowd and say, I want to love that person. You have to have some kind of feeling or else no one would ever enter into that kind of commitment. I just have never felt anything that would make me want to do that. I just don’t see what some people see in other people that would make them want to give up what they have to give up to even start that kind of relationship.
 
Bataar, I pretty much understand how you feel. Are you very young? This is how I felt when I was younger. I couldn’t understand the mushy feelings and how people could actually NEED others, and why they would WANT to put themselves in a position to need and be needed.

Even when I was very little, I never missed my parents. I could be blissfully happy without them for weeks. They were wonderful, loving parents, just to make it very clear. When my mother died, I felt nothing for a long time. Much later, I cried for the first time when I realized I’d never talk to her in this life again, and that I did miss her.

I never could imagine getting married until I met my husband. Then it seemed the most normal, logical thing to do. When I got pregnant, I felt nothing for the little creature inside me, and this not feeling continued for months after my daughter was born. Through serving her, investing my time and energy in her, and thus giving her my PRACTICAL love, the ‘mushy’ feelings of love came as well.

People have kids for the silliest and most selfish of reasons, really. For some, they’re here to perpetuate their DNA or family name. Some have them because they are hungry for unconditional love and wish to be worshipped and needed. Some want little people to mould into new, improved versions of themselves, or to fulfill desires or ambitions they themselves never did.

There are as many wrong, selfish reasons to have kids as there are to NOT have them. Having them is not really logical or rational, because children are difficult, time-consuming, and sometimes cost money as well (but NOT as much as was stated!).

The REAL reason we have them is to be FORCED to GIVE unconditionally. If some people didn’t have those selfish motives for kids, they’d never have them, and then LEARN to love them. And some people who are ‘reasonable’ and ‘logical’ don’t want kids, but have an ‘accident’ or four, and are then forced to learn this, and we all need a lesson in real love.

That said, you may not be called to marriage and having kids. You ARE called to love, though, and that does NOT have to mean mushy sentiments, but doing and praying for your fellow man.
 
Litcrit said:
Through serving her, investing my time and energy in her, and thus giving her my PRACTICAL love, the ‘mushy’ feelings of love came as well.

The REAL reason we have them is to be FORCED to GIVE unconditionally. If some people didn’t have those selfish motives for kids, they’d never have them, and then LEARN to love them. And some people who are ‘reasonable’ and ‘logical’ don’t want kids, but have an ‘accident’ or four, and are then forced to learn this, and we all need a lesson in real love.

That said, you may not be called to marriage and having kids. You ARE called to love, though, and that does NOT have to mean mushy sentiments, but doing and praying for your fellow man.
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:clapping: :tiphat: EXCELLENT post, Litcrit!
 
Kids are FUN!

All the other reasons above are wonderful, but the Fun Factor is definitely a major reason why we had kids.

My mother was the oldest daughter in a large family (10 siblings). She loved children. When she was older, she developed severe rheumatoid arthritis and was invalid. But she still loved children.

When my older daughter was around 2, I left her with my mother for a very short time while I was doing a medical errand. (My dad was nearby.) When I came back, I discovered that my mother had used a cardboard box as a toy train; my daughter was sitting in it, and my mother and she were travelling to lands all over the real world and the fantasy world. My mother was telling stories to my daughter, and my daughter was eating it all up and really believed that she was in a train, not sitting in a box in a dismal little sickroom with a very crippled old lady.

That’s what kids can do for you. That’s pretty powerful stuff.

It occurred to me after I posted this–the daughter in this story is grown up now and is a professional stage manager. It is her job to help convince the audience that they are not just sitting in a too-tight chair in a dark musty auditorium, but that they are in a courtroom, or at an Oklahoma farm, or flying through London with Peter Pan.

Perhaps it was back when, she was two and sitting in that cardboardbox, she first started learning her craft from my mother.
 
Bataar said:
My dad is pretty much just my fishing partner. He wasn’t a good father when I was growing up and even “wrote me off” briefly when I wouldn’t take his side in my parents’ divorce, but that’s about it.
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Being “written off” by a parent hurts. Being a child caught in the middle of your parents’ divorce is also painful. Could these experiences have influenced your feelings about having children? I’m not saying they did, just throwing it out there as a possibility.

I can speak from my experience with my parents who were emotionally and physically abusive, and just downright ignorant on how to raise a child.

Due to my experiences as a child I wanted nothing to do with getting married or having children of my own. I told people I wasn’t interested in those things, but the truth was that I was afraid. I was afraid I would put my children through the same experiences I lived through. I was afraid my marriage would be as messed up as my parents’ marriage was. I was afraid to love or trust anyone. It was much “safer” emotionally to be alone.

I did eventually get married when I was 38. We don’t have any children of our own, but we are raising our 12 year old niece who has been with us for 4 years. I was so afraid I would be a bad parent when she came to live with us that I saw a counselor for awhile to make sure I was on the right track. In the 4 years we have had our niece and the five years I have been married, I have learned that I do have the capacity to be a good parent and to love and trust other people.

In order to learn those things about myself I had to deal with my past, and I am still dealing with it, and it is not pleasant. I have remembered things about my childhood I wish I hadn’t. But I have become a better person for loving my husband and niece and for allowing them to love me.
 
I just don’t want to be in a position where I have to depend on other people. That’s one thing that really irritates me is having to depend on people. My dream life (probably won’t happen and who knows if it’s God’s will) is to be 100% self sufficient in every aspect of my life. Financial, emotional, enjoyment, etc. Thats not to say I would completely eliminate friends or being around people altogether, just that I wouldn’t have to depend on them. My dream life would be to have a house on a lake (with good fishing)a few miles out of town (but still close enough to get broad band internet access :)). Then, a few times a month, I’d invite friends and/or family over for a dinner (I’m a great cook) or gaming, or a movie, or to watch the Seattle Mariners (I’m a fan even when they’re the worst team in baseball). To me, that would be heaven on earth.

That’s not to say I’m undependable. When people need me, I’m there. I might grumble to myself a little bit if I think the need is stupid, but I’m always (ok, usually) willing to help other people.
 
I knew when I was around 14 yrs old that I wanted to have kids and as early as possible so that I could enjoy grandchildren at a younger age than my parents were when they got to that point. For me, it was the only concrete direction in my life. I wanted children for my own selfish reasons, so I could beget life with a spouse and share my love with my children as they would share their love with me and my spouse. And then that love would perpetuate throughout our lives with grandchildren. That was it, I just wanted to help create and surround myself with love. My wife of 20 years and I have had one living child, a daughter, who is now 17, and the absolute joy of my life. God only gave us the one child even though we always prayed for more (2 died pre-birth). I won’t go into details but God did what he thought was right in giving us only one child. If my wife would agree to it we would have more children now even though we are in our 40’s . Children are the absolute expression of human love. I wanted that as a young man and still desire it as a middle aged man.

To love your spouse and produce another person with some of you in them is just the most incredible miracle ever!

Simon
 
“…I don’t really value personal relationships and don’t feel like I need them…”

This is neither natural nor healthy, and without a value of relationships, there can be no understanding of the gift of children.
 
I was incapable of loving. I hated that gushy warm feeling of empathy. It made me vunerable. I hated being vunerable to my parents much less a spouse. I remember when I was pregnant with my first child and as my mom and I bonded over the growing child in my belly I was physically sick. That feeling didn`t end until well after my first was born.

I had a hard life growing up. And, I know that I created that system as a way of coping. I couldnt deal with the pain I went through so I cut everyone off...too afraid to get hurt again. Not wanting to every be vunerable again. The one thing I did even as a child was pray. I knew I couldnt leave my parents - I was too young. But, I prayed…

And, in the perfect time (Gods time) my emotional chaos disinegrated. I was made whole. And, God revealed His perfect family. My new family. His love was (and still is) my example. I still have a hard time and it isnt easy…but I do the best I can. And, God is always very good about leading and guiding me…it really is amazing to see him at work in my life. I am humbled.

Love isnt perfect. In fact, only Gods love is perfect. As other`s have said we are called to love…regardless of how imperfect it appears.

Find the root of your lack of empathy. For me it was re-examining a LOT of painful issues. Things I would have liked to never think about again. Pain that no child she know. I asked for God`s help…and the rest is history!
 
I don’t know. I am pregnant with my first and I have no motherly instincts whatsoever. My mother really wasn’t there for me. She always paid attention to my sister and not to me.

About a year ago, she admitted she never paid attention to me and was sorry. She said she paid attention to my sister over me because she (my sister) was always sick. Which she really wasn’t. She would never eat unless it was something that she liked. Like steak, roast beef. Stuff like that. So she was thin hence her being “sick”. She always got her way. Got her own pet, not me, lol
OH, and my mother did admit that my sister is spoiled.

I remember my father yelling at my mom about her not paying attention to me when I was about 6. Something I will never forget.

Maybe that’s the way I am. Who knows.
 
Bataar said:
I just don’t want to be in a position where I have to depend on other people. That’s one thing that really irritates me is having to depend on people. My dream life (probably won’t happen and who knows if it’s God’s will) is to be 100% self sufficient in every aspect of my life. Financial, emotional, enjoyment, etc. Thats not to say I would completely eliminate friends or being around people altogether, just that I wouldn’t have to depend on them. My dream life would be to have a house on a lake (with good fishing)a few miles out of town (but still close enough to get broad band internet access :)). Then, a few times a month, I’d invite friends and/or family over for a dinner (I’m a great cook) or gaming, or a movie, or to watch the Seattle Mariners (I’m a fan even when they’re the worst team in baseball). To me, that would be heaven on earth.

That’s not to say I’m undependable. When people need me, I’m there. I might grumble to myself a little bit if I think the need is stupid, but I’m always (ok, usually) willing to help other people.
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Well, we might be able to imagine “advantages” to a life where we could choose whether or not we want to eat or not. It doesn’t work like that.

kuppusamy might be right. You have had a painful past, in which the people you needed were not there for you. You were not treated as the blessing you are, and so it is reasonable that you might have trouble seeing other people as the blessings that they are. This could be rooted in some stuff you would rather not look at. I will only suggest that people who look at this kind of stuff that they’d rather not look at find that they have been carrying around some heavy and unrealistic thinking that was getting in the way of their joy in life. That could be you.

Having said that, it might be that you do not have a vocation to the married life. As long as you don’t have an interest in the basic reason we were made, which is a love that expresses itself in a love of others, I would not assume that. Nevertheless, you might get counselling, improve your other relationships 100 fold, and still find that married life isn’t calling to you. That would be OK, too.
 
In the O.P, the question is why would someone ‘WANT’ kids- what’s the financial advantage. Wrong perspective. Kids aren’t property like a car or a wide-screen TV.

There are several threads about this topic active right now, and I’m linking you to a very good podcast where Deacon Tim talks about this subject: modern manger scene
 
Peeb said:
In the O.P, the question is why would someone ‘WANT’ kids- what’s the financial advantage. Wrong perspective. Kids aren’t property like a car or a wide-screen TV.

There are several threads about this topic active right now, and I’m linking you to a very good podcast where Deacon Tim talks about this subject: modern manger scene
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I realize that kids aren’t property. In my original post, I was simply curious to find out what incentives people looked forward to when having kids. It just happens to be that the incentive everyone on the board mentioned doesn’t happen to be an incentive for me. I’m not against people having kids or large families and I admire people who do. I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me.
 
Bataar said:
I realize that kids aren’t property. In my original post, I was simply curious to find out what incentives people looked forward to when having kids. It just happens to be that the incentive everyone on the board mentioned doesn’t happen to be an incentive for me. I’m not against people having kids or large families and I admire people who do. I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me.
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For me, there were no “incentives”. Marriage is my vocation and children are simply a blessing that comes from that.
 
I’m glad I started this thread. It turns out I do have Asperger’s Disorder. I had never even heard of it or any form of higher functioning autism before I posted here. The more I read about it, the more it explains my personality and all the weird things I’ve done in my life. Unfortunately, there’s no treatment or cure for it, but at least my family will (hopefully) understand me better.
 
Bataar said:
I’m glad I started this thread. It turns out I do have Asperger’s Disorder. I had never even heard of it or any form of higher functioning autism before I posted here. The more I read about it, the more it explains my personality and all the weird things I’ve done in my life. Unfortunately, there’s no treatment or cure for it, but at least my family will (hopefully) understand me better.
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I have a friend with Asperger’s who has learned through practice to be compassionate, to read others’ emotions from tone of voice and facial expression, and to hold interest in a two-sided conversation. I don’t know if any of these things is difficult for you, but they were almost impossible for him for a while, until he became determined to conquer them. He hopes to marry one day and raise a family, and he is very connected with his own family and his little nephew.

Praise God you were able to come to a new understanding of what you’ve been going through. It may take time and a good deal of effort, but I am convinced there are some aspects of Aspergers that can be markedly abated. And being able to have close relationships is worth it! :yup:

God bless you. 🙂
 
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