Those who have overcome trials in courtship, how do you fix emotional betrayal?

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LoveJesus13

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My boyfriend recently lied to me and I discovered that he had been sharing details about our relationship including our problems to his female friend he’s known for awhile. He promised me in the past that he wouldn’t share personal information and I felt that it was nobody’s business but ours.
I was terribly hurt when I found out and it turns out he talks to this girl more than he talks to me during the day. Is this considered emotional cheating?:confused: I confronted him about it in a calm way and I said that when you have to talk to the opposite sex about your bf/gf, there’s a problem especially if the friend is not objective about it and is flirtatious sending photos to him. She also said negative things about me that now makes me not want to be around her.

My questions are, what do I do, is this repairable? :(We have been in courtship for less than a year, we are both strong Catholics. But I am lost because we pray daily and I though we were building, but since he lied I feel that everything we’ve been doing in our faith has been a lie too. He said it was one mistake that he won’t do again, I don’t know. Lying to me is a bad sign for a marriage. Does withholding info equate to lying?

Please pray for me, I’ve asked God to show me His way. I care about my boyfriend and want to work on this but I don’t know how.
 
This guy sounds really immature and not ready to go down the path of courtship (i.e. discerning marriage). I don’t know if I would call his being more in contact with another woman “emotional cheating”; it honestly sounds like he just doesn’t want to be tied down to one relationship. Being a strong Catholic is not the same thing as being a virtuous person. Don’t place more weight on his being Catholic than it’s worth.

I would cut him loose. Treat yourself with the respect that he is not showing you. From my experience in similar situations where I tolerated things like this, the guys have admitted that my sticking around only made them lose respect for me.
 
Caroline723 said:
This guy sounds really immature and not ready to go down the path of courtship (i.e. discerning marriage). I don’t know if I would call his being more in contact with another woman “emotional cheating”; it honestly sounds like he just doesn’t want to be tied down to one relationship. Being a strong Catholic is not the same thing as being a virtuous person. Don’t place more weight on his being Catholic than it’s worth.

I would cut him loose. Treat yourself with the respect that he is not showing you. From my experience in similar situations where I tolerated things like this, the guys have admitted that my sticking around only made them lose respect for me.
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Yeah.

How about throwing this one back and going back to dating? It sounds like you got serious too fast with this guy.
 
Caroline723 said:
This guy sounds really immature and not ready to go down the path of courtship (i.e. discerning marriage). I don’t know if I would call his being more in contact with another woman “emotional cheating”; it honestly sounds like he just doesn’t want to be tied down to one relationship. Being a strong Catholic is not the same thing as being a virtuous person. Don’t place more weight on his being Catholic than it’s worth.

I would cut him loose. Treat yourself with the respect that he is not showing you. From my experience in similar situations where I tolerated things like this, the guys have admitted that my sticking around only made them lose respect for me.
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Well said. Time to move on in my opinion,
Mary.
 
I would have to agree that he sounds very immature and definitely not ready to “settle down” any time soon. If you still have loving feelings toward him, I’d recommend talking things out more about the whole situation to see where things go from there. I would not commit to any type of engagement or anything along those lines until he becomes much more mature in his attitude toward you and a sincere relationship.
Yes, if he lies about things now, he will likely lie in the future about other things. Please don’t be a door mat. There are many folks who appear to most people to be “good Catholics” who actually lie, commit adultery, watch porn, you name it. When a warning flag appears, please be careful and continue very cautiously, if at all. But be honest with him, and hopefully he’ll be more honest with you. And keep your prayer lines open. Our Lord will help guide you.
 
It was this one time that has now put a blockage on our relationship, other than that we are faithful to God, we pray together, attend mass and learn about chastity. I think it also comes from his inexperience with relationships, I don’t think he knows the boundaries. I’m trying to be understanding and forgiving (isn’t that important on my part?) I don’t think he’s a bad person, I just wanted to ask** how do you fix something like this? **
My trust has been broken but like Bmaj said, maybe we can work this out.
We are supposed to talk about everything soon, how do I go about telling him that I don’t think he should talk or spend so much time with this girl?
 
LoveJesus13 said:
It was this one time that has now put a blockage on our relationship, other than that we are faithful to God, we pray together, attend mass and learn about chastity.

That’s a reasonable part of a relationship, but it’s not enough for a whole relationship.
**
I think it also comes from his inexperience with relationships, I don’t think he knows the boundaries. I’m trying to be understanding and forgiving (isn’t that important on my part?) I don’t think he’s a bad person, I just wanted to ask how do you fix something like this? **
My trust has been broken but like Bmaj said, maybe we can work this out.
We are supposed to talk about everything soon, how do I go about telling him that I don’t think he should talk or spend so much time with this girl?
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Maybe he has more in common with her and ought to be dating her instead of you?
 
Xantippe said:
Maybe he has more in common with her and ought to be dating her instead of you?
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He said he didn’t feel that way about her. Do I ask him if he’s had feelings for her in the past? I really was thinking of moving forward and trying to fix this, I’m trying not to think negatively and hopefully God will show me.
 
LoveJesus13 said:
It was this one time that has now put a blockage on our relationship, other than that we are faithful to God, we pray together, attend mass and learn about chastity. I think it also comes from his inexperience with relationships, I don’t think he knows the boundaries. I’m trying to be understanding and forgiving (isn’t that important on my part?) I don’t think he’s a bad person, I just wanted to ask** how do you fix something like this? **
My trust has been broken but like Bmaj said, maybe we can work this out.
We are supposed to talk about everything soon, how do I go about telling him that I don’t think he should talk or spend so much time with this girl?
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It is important to forgive but since you guys are only dating but obviously it appears as if this guy lacks respect for your feelings by refusing to cut back the communication with this other girl. I don’t think that’s being unreasonable, it’s not like you are asking for him to cut all contact with her, just scale it back.
Honestly even if he lacks relationship experience, as you put it, this just seems like common sense to me. Now, the more important question: how long have they been friends? Childhood friends? If that’s the case then it would be more understandable. But it is really hard to love where there is no trust, and if he is unwilling to compromise for you then there is your answer.
 
The first thing you said was that he lied to you. I assume that it was regarding his contact with this other girl? If he has nothing to hide, why lie about it? And no gentleman would want to be in contact with a woman who is insulting his girlfriend.

You don’t need experience with relationships to know that preferring the company of a female friend over that of a girlfriend, is a significant sign of his lukewarm feelings for you. A Catholic guy is not above stringing you along because he likes you enough right now, but doesn’t see a future with you.

It hurts to end relationships, especially today, when the dating world is so unhealthy. But this guy does not sound like marriage material at all, today. It sounds like your gut is telling you that this relationship has no future, and you are looking for reasons to refute that.
 
Caroline723 said:
The first thing you said was that he lied to you. I assume that it was regarding his contact with this other girl? If he has nothing to hide, why lie about it? And no gentleman would want to be in contact with a woman who is insulting his girlfriend.

You don’t need experience with relationships to know that preferring the company of a female friend over that of a girlfriend, is a significant sign of his lukewarm feelings for you. A Catholic guy is not above stringing you along because he likes you enough right now, but doesn’t see a future with you.

It hurts to end relationships, especially today, when the dating world is so unhealthy. But this guy does not sound like marriage material at all, today. It sounds like your gut is telling you that this relationship has no future, and you are looking for reasons to refute that.
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Bingo!

Especially the part about prefering her company over you. That’s a massive red flag.

Obviously what you’ve said is but a snippet of information regarding the relationship, but frankly it’s enough for most people who have replied to suggest ending it.

PS this lie is clearly not the only issue in the relationship, since you refer to his sharing “our problems” with this other girl.

PPS she sends him flirtatious photos? If he’s too stupid to understand why this is a problem, then he’s not (currently at least) marriage material.
 
When it comes to conflict in relationships
  1. Learn how to complain in a problem-solving way that doesn’t make the issue into a personal attack (see John Gottman’s books, if you don’t know what that means)
  2. Learn how to compromise, which includes learning which of your boundaries are negotiable and which are not
  3. Resign yourself to the truth that most of an adult’s faults a) are worse than you think at first and b) aren’t going to improve significantly over his or her lifetime. When that rule does not happen to apply, believe me, you will learn to appreciate it as a significant accomplishment and something for which to give thanks.
What do you mean by “lie”? Do you mean you had an agreement and he fudged on it? Or do you mean he looked you in the eye, said that he was keeping your agreement, he was not, and then he tried to make excuses for himself when his deceit was discovered?

If the former, this is something to be concerned about. If the latter, since this is about other women and not about whether he can go out for rum cake without you, it is a deal-breaker. Do not pass go. Do not let him collect $200. Do not keep dating him. He is not a serious Catholic, because serious people, whether Muslim or Catholic or Baptist or Jew, have personal integrity. They do what they say they are going to do, and if they have no intention of doing something, they say so. This is 100 times true about what they tell a possible wife-to-be about their relationships with other women. (The length of the fish that got away…well, people can deceive themselves, too.)

Refer to Point 3. Pick a guy with faults you can live with. Not “endure,” but “live with,” as in “live in peace with, affectionately.” A lack of integrity with regards to relationships with the opposite sex is not a fault that is compatible with a peaceful marriage. Without even knowing you, I can tell you: You cannot live in peace with that particular fault in a husband. Pick up your honesty and big-hearted sense of generosity and do not yoke it to anyone until you can yoke it to another person with those traits.
 
LoveJesus13 said:
He said he didn’t feel that way about her. Do I ask him if he’s had feelings for her in the past? I really was thinking of moving forward and trying to fix this, I’m trying not to think negatively and hopefully God will show me.
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“He said” only counts for something when what is said comes out of the mouth of someone you can trust to tell you the truth, including truths that make you upset. When it comes out of the mouth of a man backpedalling because he was caught in a lie, it means nothing.

What would mean something? This would mean something: You are right. We had an agreement, we trusted each other, and I lied to you. There is no reason that is an excuse for that. I am sorry for what I did, I still want to keep our agreement, and if you’ll let me, I will cut off all contact with this woman I lied about. I will give you my passwords, I will be an open book to you, and this time, if I don’t keep my word, I will accept that it is over between us, because you have to be able to trust me.

Oh, and BTW: Don’t give an additional date to anyone who sits still while anyone else they have a relationship with badmouths you in his presence. Either he lacks courage or he doesn’t think all that much of you himself. Ideally, nobody would be allowed to badmouth you in his presence, but I’m willing to respect a man who knows how to stay out of fistfights with every drunken idiot with a big mouth. It is OK to ignore insults coming from someone with the self-control and intelligence of a drunken gorilla, even someone who is 4’10" and wearing high heels. With that kind, getting up and leaving is confrontation and putting the “relationship” in a very cold icy place thereafter is enough.

(And again: Are you the kind who sits mum while someone badmouths other people? I don’t think so. Be equally yoked, OP.)
 
I respectfully disagree with much of the advice given.

If the OP was a man I respectfully think the advice would be different. This board is rife with men who are counseled to forgive many transgressions by the women in their lives. We don’t know how old these folks are; how long they’re dating; OPs level of maturity; or even if boyfriend really “lied” or whether he perhaps kept the truth to himself, since OP asked precisely whether doing so was lying (and I happen to think the answer is often “no” to that question). This thread is coming off like a Thursday night men bashing club, particularly with all these calls to “cut him loose.”

Moreover, are some of you telling me you haven’t told your friends about “issues” with your significant other? Perhaps he was seeking advice about OP; we really don’t know. Are there some causes for concern? Sure. I just think many (women?) on this thread are being awfully one sided and unfair in their trashing AKA “advice.”
 
PolarGuy said:
I respectfully disagree with much of the advice given.

If the OP was a man I respectfully think the advice would be different. This board is rife with men who are counseled to forgive many transgressions by the women in their lives. We don’t know how old these folks are; how long they’re dating; OPs level of maturity; or even if boyfriend really “lied” or whether he perhaps kept the truth to himself, since OP asked precisely whether doing so was lying (and I happen to think the answer is often “no” to that question). This thread is coming off like a Thursday night men bashing club, particularly with all these calls to “cut him loose.”

Moreover, are some of you telling me you haven’t told your friends about “issues” with your significant other? Perhaps he was seeking advice about OP; we really don’t know. Are there some causes for concern? Sure. I just think many (women?) on this thread are being awfully one sided and unfair in their trashing AKA “advice.”
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So if the OP was a man, and his girlfriend was spending lots of time with another man, who was badmouthing the boyfriend and sending the girlfriend flirtatious photos of himself, you’d think the advice would differ? I think not.

Anyway, for context, I’m a man, so not all responses so far are from a female perspective.

You are right that there’s a lot we don’t know about the situation of course.
 
LoveJesus13 said:
My boyfriend recently lied to me and I discovered that he had been sharing details about our relationship including our problems to his female friend he’s known for awhile. He promised me in the past that he wouldn’t share personal information and I felt that it was nobody’s business but ours.
I was terribly hurt when I found out and it turns out he talks to this girl more than he talks to me during the day. Is this considered emotional cheating?:confused: I confronted him about it in a calm way and I said that when you have to talk to the opposite sex about your bf/gf, there’s a problem especially if the friend is not objective about it and is flirtatious sending photos to him. She also said negative things about me that now makes me not want to be around her.

My questions are, what do I do, is this repairable? :(We have been in courtship for less than a year, we are both strong Catholics. But I am lost because we pray daily and I though we were building, but since he lied I feel that everything we’ve been doing in our faith has been a lie too. He said it was one mistake that he won’t do again, I don’t know. Lying to me is a bad sign for a marriage. Does withholding info equate to lying?

Please pray for me, I’ve asked God to show me His way. I care about my boyfriend and want to work on this but I don’t know how.
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To the curb dear, to the curb.

If not I can gaze into my crystal ball and see that in 10 years you will be posting about your husband and your troubled marriage. Only there will be 2 innocent children wrapped up in the drama.

Basic Basic rule of dating. If it is hard in this part, it will get infinitely harder when the stresses of life and married life pile on. Is this guy acting like the MAN you wish to have?
 
underacloud said:
So if the OP was a man, and his girlfriend was spending lots of time with another man, who was badmouthing the boyfriend and sending the girlfriend flirtatious photos of himself, you’d think the advice would differ? I think not.

Anyway, for context, I’m a man, so not all responses so far are from a female perspective.

You are right that there’s a lot we don’t know about the situation of course.
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Exactly. The emotional issues aren’t any different. And yes, it does matter a lot what the OP means by “he lied to me.”

If one of them was in the habit of blabbing their personal business around and refused to stop it, then that is not an integrity issue. That is a “do I want to put up with this?” kind of issue. Some people can learn to accept that, and some can’t. This could be that kind of a case, because the OP was vague about what she meant by being lied to.

If they had an agreement and the blabber came up and said, “Hon, I blew it today. I know I said I’d never spread our personal business around, but I did,” that is a different issue, and something the OP might decide to put up with. Some people can learn to accept that, and some can’t. That is failing to keep an agreement and a breach of trust, but not lying in the sense of misrepresenting the truth.

If they had an agreement and the private one heard about their business second-hand, confronted the blabber, and the blabber said, “Oh, come on! I only told my sister! You don’t mean my sister!” (or my best friend or Dr. Phil, or whoever the blabber thinks is a special case) then that is a different issue that the private one might decide that she can live with even if the blabber never cleans up his act.

If, OTOH, they had an agreement and the private one had reason to believe the blabber was breaking it, asked about it, and the blabber said, “No, I did not tell anyone a word and besides, I was not even with Susan at all today” and so on, which was a total bald-faced lie, then THAT is a serious issue.

It does not matter a bit if the person asking, “Should I keep dating a ‘serious Catholic’ who lies to my face?” is a woman or a man. You don’t marry someone who lies to your face, not unless you truly believe it to be an isolated incident. According to Martha Stout, author of the book, “The Sociopath Next Door,” that means observing the Rule of Threes: If you catch someone in three self-serving lies, you ought drop them as a friend, business associate, whatever. Period. That isn’t just lying to you, personally, but showing a habit of breaching trust. Under no circumstances should you marry someone who cannot be trusted.
 
PolarGuy said:
I respectfully disagree with much of the advice given.

If the OP was a man I respectfully think the advice would be different. This board is rife with men who are counseled to forgive many transgressions by the women in their lives. We don’t know how old these folks are; how long they’re dating; OPs level of maturity; or even if boyfriend really “lied” or whether he perhaps kept the truth to himself, since OP asked precisely whether doing so was lying (and I happen to think the answer is often “no” to that question). This thread is coming off like a Thursday night men bashing club, particularly with all these calls to “cut him loose.”

**1. Boyfriend/girlfriend vs. husband/wife is very different with regard to the level of tolerance that is suitable. I suspect that a lot of the “cut them some slack advice” was with regard to marital relationships.
  1. Don’t make this a “team blue” vs. “team pink” thing. Note that the OP said that her boyfriend was discussing their “problems” with the female friend. In other words, this couple has other issues aside from the inappropriate confidence issue, namely the stuff the boyfriend was discussing with the female friend. I just don’t think that at this stage in the relationship, there should be so many problems. Things should be pretty smooth going early on.
  2. The OP said, “We have been in courtship for less than a year, we are both strong Catholics.” Of course, maybe they dated before “courtship”? OP–could you clear this up?
    **
Moreover, are some of you telling me you haven’t told your friends about “issues” with your significant other? Perhaps he was seeking advice about OP; we really don’t know. Are there some causes for concern? Sure. I just think many (women?) on this thread are being awfully one sided and unfair in their trashing AKA “advice.”
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I’ve never, never, never, ever, ever gone to a male friend and discussed problems with my husband with him. That’s just wildly inappropriate.

The OP said:

“I confronted him about it in a calm way and I said that when you have to talk to the opposite sex about your bf/gf, there’s a problem especially if the friend is not objective about it and is flirtatious sending photos to him. She also said negative things about me that now makes me not want to be around her.”

So, what she mostly objects to is that he is choosing to confide in a person of the opposite sex who quite possibly has a crush on him. That’s a) not fair to the OP and b) not fair to the female friend, either, who may be getting her hopes up.

I’m also suspecting that this couple is 1) immature and 2) rushing and 3) doesn’t really have that much in common besides both being Catholic. The fact that the boyfriend is Catholic is pretty much the only thing the OP has mentioned in his favor. That’s nice, but it would be better to have more common ground.

I just don’t think that this is a good match, which is why the boyfriend finds himself confiding so much in another woman. That has nothing to do with “man hating.”

Are you able to identify any facts in the post that would suggest that this is the great romance of the 21st century? I’m not seeing it.
 
Xantippe said:
I’ve never, never, never, ever, ever gone to a male friend and discussed problems with my husband with him. That’s just wildly inappropriate.

The OP said:

“I confronted him about it in a calm way and I said that when you have to talk to the opposite sex about your bf/gf, there’s a problem especially if the friend is not objective about it and is flirtatious sending photos to him. She also said negative things about me that now makes me not want to be around her.”

So, what she mostly objects to is that he is choosing to confide in a person of the opposite sex who quite possibly has a crush on him. That’s a) not fair to the OP and b) not fair to the female friend, either, who may be getting her hopes up.

I’m also suspecting that this couple is 1) immature and 2) rushing and 3) doesn’t really have that much in common besides both being Catholic. The fact that the boyfriend is Catholic is pretty much the only thing the OP has mentioned in his favor. That’s nice, but it would be better to have more common ground.

I just don’t think that this is a good match, which is why the boyfriend finds himself confiding so much in another woman. That has nothing to do with “man hating.”

Are you able to identify any facts in the post that would suggest that this is the great romance of the 21st century? I’m not seeing it.
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Yes. Letting the female friend flirt and bad-mouth the current girlfriend is not just betrayal of the current girlfriend. It is showing interest in dropping the first girl for the bad-mouthing girl. She’s some piece of work to do that, but no one deserves to be lead on. He’s telling his girlfriend that this flirting one means nothing to him–does he ever tell Miss Flirt that? Who gets the truth from this guy?

If the OP drops this guy, he might realize the seriousness of what he did and not repeat the mistake in the future. He might change. If some guy said, “I lied to my last girlfriend, which is why we broke up, so I’m not doing that again,” I’d be wary, but I’d be willing to believe he meant it.

The problem is that the experts on character will tell us that especially with regards to the victim of his lies, this is not the way to bet. Anyone can make a mistake, but at some point you have to conclude you are probably dealing with someone who is willing to deceive you when it suits him. Rule of Threes, and if the guy doesn’t think there is a thing wrong with the first lie he told, I’d say save your time and pull up stakes after the first one. If he thinks it is OK, that is just what he does. Don’t make him prove it.
 
I see I’ve touched a chord…which frankly is exactly what I hoped would occur.

I also find it noteworthy that lots of posters now seem to acknowledge that there are a lot of facts we don’t know. Then why all this “cut him loose!” and “to the curb!”?

It’s not up to me to say why this is such a great romance. My points were that posters were not being evenhanded; that we really couldn’t say who was at fault; and that for all we know the OPs maturity was an issue as well. I’d say those were well made judging by the responses! We’re only hearing her side and yet posters seem awfully quick to kick boyfriend to the curb. I suspect the young man might tell a different version of events…
 
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