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aspirant
Guest
Both more beneficial and more effective.
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Iron_Donkey
Guest
He thinks that now, but once she gets to be 25… maybe 50?I have a daughter now…and I know this is going to be a hot topic of discussion when the time comes (hubby seems to think 25 is an appropriate age…)
O
oldfashcathgirl
Guest
I think that during the young years 11-17 kids/teens should be learning how to deal with the opposite sex, how to treat them and how to control feelings/emotions so they will, when they’re ready, be able to enter into a relationship.
Also dating is for the SOLE purpose of figuring out if the other person will be your soul mate. So if you are dating too young it could just turn into a race/competition.
In my family we were not allowed to date until we were 18. Yes, I said 18! We weren’t allowed to go to social events even in groups with too many rowdy teens if there was no proper parental guidance. It was good because our parents were able to teach us how to gain some impulse control and see the immaturity of ourselves. If I were allowed to date then I would have been through several messes I’m glad I never had to deal with. By the time I was 18 I knew how to treat men and how to control my feelings/emotions so we could discern what our vocation is.
I hate seeing young kids in “relationships” that aren’t going to last and that are giving them experiences they don’t need at their ages. They can wait, I know my siblings and I gave my parents a hard time as we got older but my parents didn’t budge… Best thing they could have done for us!
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Auntie_A
Guest
Ok. I have not said many positive things about the Mormons on CAF so I will try here: Mormons really seem to teach their kids how to be honorable and FUN on dates. My friend used to supervise dinners where the boys would do the cooking and the serving. They would walk the girls to the table and engage in some kind of talk. All were included and dancing ensued after dinner. There were chaperones present.
My mother said that was how things were when she was growing up: more structure and fun in a Catholic setting.
Now I’m not saying that all dating needs to be highly structured and chaperoned but if teens were given this kind of guidance at first, learning how to respect the opposite sex, how to talk with them, eat with them, dance with them, you at least eliminate the awkwardness that makes most dates either flops or grope sessions (“but there was nothing else to do…”).
My teen years were about the end of chaperones and the beginnings of stupidity.
I went to school dances and parties with a guy at age 13, 14, 15. The dances were semi-chaperoned, but the parties were usually unsupervised with kids “making out” in the basement while dancing went on upstairs. Sex, if it happened. was usually off premises and not spoken of, at least by the girls. Drinking, vomiting, and crying usually went on outside. It was not fun–too much drama!
I stopped dating again until I was 18. And at that time, I dated a lot of Mormons. I had no interest in joining their religion; I just had some wholesome, meaningful fun with them and enjoyed that kind of date compared to the power games, drug and drinking parties, and sexual conquests that my other non-Mormon friends were caught in.
The Mormon guys said that they were trained in how to be a good date, they acted more responsible than most other guys, they had manners and THAT is my point to the initial question:
My mother said that was how things were when she was growing up: more structure and fun in a Catholic setting.
Now I’m not saying that all dating needs to be highly structured and chaperoned but if teens were given this kind of guidance at first, learning how to respect the opposite sex, how to talk with them, eat with them, dance with them, you at least eliminate the awkwardness that makes most dates either flops or grope sessions (“but there was nothing else to do…”).
My teen years were about the end of chaperones and the beginnings of stupidity.
I went to school dances and parties with a guy at age 13, 14, 15. The dances were semi-chaperoned, but the parties were usually unsupervised with kids “making out” in the basement while dancing went on upstairs. Sex, if it happened. was usually off premises and not spoken of, at least by the girls. Drinking, vomiting, and crying usually went on outside. It was not fun–too much drama!
I stopped dating again until I was 18. And at that time, I dated a lot of Mormons. I had no interest in joining their religion; I just had some wholesome, meaningful fun with them and enjoyed that kind of date compared to the power games, drug and drinking parties, and sexual conquests that my other non-Mormon friends were caught in.
The Mormon guys said that they were trained in how to be a good date, they acted more responsible than most other guys, they had manners and THAT is my point to the initial question:
The age does not matter as much as how young people are trained to treat and respect each other and themselves.
P
Phil_Marinus
Guest
Code:
Well... my step Daughter started dating at 13... I told her in was not appropriate etc.wanted to lock her away ,but can not do that… now 17, and on boy Number 4
Good Luck..
V
Viki63
Guest
My daughter will not be driving until 17 or 18, and will not get a car until she earns the money for it herself. 16 is too young to drive, and I think too young to date as well. I would say beginning to go out with groups at 16, and beginning to date 3 years before she expects to get married.
I think of the lack of guidance I had, and the mistakes I made, and try to help my daughter avoid them. She doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, says she already knows it, so maybe I’ve brought it up too often.
What I do plan to do is drop by any party she attends, and make sure there is a responsible parent involved. And any boys she goes out with, while she is living at home, will have a conversation with her dad and I before they go out. That will at least weed out the cowards!
I think of the lack of guidance I had, and the mistakes I made, and try to help my daughter avoid them. She doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, says she already knows it, so maybe I’ve brought it up too often.
What I do plan to do is drop by any party she attends, and make sure there is a responsible parent involved. And any boys she goes out with, while she is living at home, will have a conversation with her dad and I before they go out. That will at least weed out the cowards!
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Auntie_A
Guest
Let us pray for parents, especially parents of teens:
Hail Mary, full of grace the Lord is with thee…
Hail Mary, full of grace the Lord is with thee…
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PaulinVA
Guest
I agree that dating is for the purpose of finding/discerning a spouse.
However, one should make the rookie mistakes when one is a rookie. Learning about people, about the opposite sex, about what you are looking for, shouldn’t be done when all of the pressure is on.
Yes, there is heartache in dating. Romantic relationship come and go until you are married. But, a person can remain chaste while this is going on.
So, sixteen if the teen is mature enough. As posters have said, you can’t prevent attraction. You *can *provide your teen with a framework to process what’s going on and to guide them to good decisions.
However, one should make the rookie mistakes when one is a rookie. Learning about people, about the opposite sex, about what you are looking for, shouldn’t be done when all of the pressure is on.
Yes, there is heartache in dating. Romantic relationship come and go until you are married. But, a person can remain chaste while this is going on.
So, sixteen if the teen is mature enough. As posters have said, you can’t prevent attraction. You *can *provide your teen with a framework to process what’s going on and to guide them to good decisions.
J
JackieMom
Guest
I don’t think chaste dating needs to consist only of hand holding and sharing french fries. That seems pretty extreme to me. However, my husband and I did not have sex before we were married, even though we dated starting at 16. And we were not closely chaperoned or supervised. Our parents trusted that they had done a good enough job, I guess, and realized that they could not lock us up and prevent us from ever making a mistake.
Whether or not you allow dating in the teen years, at some point your kids will be 18 and making their own choices. I guess I’d rather my kids have some dating background and experience (chaperoned by parents) so that it’s not as “new and exciting” when they leave for college and are totally on their own. Sometimes the most naive kids are the ones who easily fall prey to unhealthy relationships.
One of the hardest things as a parent is letting go of control over their kids’ lives. You want to protect them, and with your adult wisdom guide them to make good choices. I know it will be hard for me to see my teens (almost there), and young adult kids mess up. That’s why I’m doing all I can NOW to instill good values and good self-esteem in my children. We can only prepare them for the world, and hope that a combination of that, plus their own good judgment and God’s grace helps them trough those awkward years.
C
Cat
Guest
I think that all of you who think that waiting until 18 or older to date will stop sex from happening are wrong.
The older a person gets, the less control the parents have, and the more likely it is that a person will have sex.
Once a person turns 18, they are legally adults. Obviously many 18-year-olds continue to live at home and are totally dependent on their parents. But they are still adults, and they see themselves as adults, and in many cases, they are not likely to “obey” their parents once they come of age.
When a teenager is 13/14/15, the parent holds ALL the cards. The parent can give and the parent can TAKE AWAY! “Honey, I know you want to go to the game with all your friends ,but last weekend you violated curfew and so we are going to go to the game WITH YOU and sit WITH YOU! Won’t we have fun together?!”
Or whatever. Like I said, the parent holds AAAALLLLL the cards. They can lock the teen down if they have to. They can withdraw a child from their school and enroll them in military school or homeschool. They can withhold allowance money. They can require hours of chores to earn any money at all! They can demand that the teen write a 1000-word essay on “honesty.” They can even pack up all the family possessions and move out to the country or move to another state and there’s not a thing the young teen can do about it! (I’ve seen this done by parents who felt that their teenagers needed a fresh start in life.)
And a parent can even stay in the same bedroom with the young teen, and be with them CONSTANTLY and stop them from having sex!
Parents have power while the teen is YOUNG!
Parents also have influence while the teen is young. Yes, there are homes where the teen and parents are in conflict constantly, and there is no common ground, and this is miserable and IMO, requires professional help.
But in many families, the parents and teens get along well enough to sit down and talk once a in while. And they still do lots of “family activities” together. So when a teen is young, the parents can still talk to them and try to instill good morals and faith.
But the older the teen gets, the less power the parents have. A parent can try to withhold keys or money from an older teen, but it doesn’t work well as many of you can testify. And once the teen is 18, he/she is legal and has the legal option of walking out and utterly ignoring the parents. And some of you can testify that your child did this–they left your home and ignored everything you said, and made their own way in the world, and in many cases, this led to heartbreak or tragedy in the family.
The older a person gets, the EASIER it is for them to have sex. After all, a parent can’t be with them all the time. The 18+ person is often in school or working, and in most cases, these people have their own place, even it’s just a dorm room somewhere.
Certainly you can tell your 18+ child to remain in your home where the rules will be followed. But you can’t STOP an 18+ child from moving out and finding their own place. And once a person is living away from their parents, it’s really really easy to have sex.
You’re kidding yourself if you think that waiting will help your child to not have sex. It gets harder for them to avoid sex the older they get, because everyone they know is having sex.
So what I’m saying here is allow your teens to date while you as a parent still have control and can actually work to thwart their attempts to have sex. Once they are 18 or older, you no longer control them (even though you think you do), and they WILL be MORE likely to have sex or do other things that are not right.
One disclaimer–I mentioned that there are 18+ people who still live at home because they are still financially dependent on their parents. That’s a tough situation. You can tell these people that they must obey the house rules, and that means no sex. But you honestly can’t stop an 18+ from going to someone else’s house. You can’t be their guards all the time once they’re of age. Some of you who have small children are saying, “Oh, yes we can!” But I’m telling you, No, you can’t. You really can’t, unless you want to be a tyrant, and then your older children will hate you and do anything they can to break away from your uber control.
The older a person gets, the less control the parents have, and the more likely it is that a person will have sex.
Once a person turns 18, they are legally adults. Obviously many 18-year-olds continue to live at home and are totally dependent on their parents. But they are still adults, and they see themselves as adults, and in many cases, they are not likely to “obey” their parents once they come of age.
When a teenager is 13/14/15, the parent holds ALL the cards. The parent can give and the parent can TAKE AWAY! “Honey, I know you want to go to the game with all your friends ,but last weekend you violated curfew and so we are going to go to the game WITH YOU and sit WITH YOU! Won’t we have fun together?!”
Or whatever. Like I said, the parent holds AAAALLLLL the cards. They can lock the teen down if they have to. They can withdraw a child from their school and enroll them in military school or homeschool. They can withhold allowance money. They can require hours of chores to earn any money at all! They can demand that the teen write a 1000-word essay on “honesty.” They can even pack up all the family possessions and move out to the country or move to another state and there’s not a thing the young teen can do about it! (I’ve seen this done by parents who felt that their teenagers needed a fresh start in life.)
And a parent can even stay in the same bedroom with the young teen, and be with them CONSTANTLY and stop them from having sex!
Parents have power while the teen is YOUNG!
Parents also have influence while the teen is young. Yes, there are homes where the teen and parents are in conflict constantly, and there is no common ground, and this is miserable and IMO, requires professional help.
But in many families, the parents and teens get along well enough to sit down and talk once a in while. And they still do lots of “family activities” together. So when a teen is young, the parents can still talk to them and try to instill good morals and faith.
But the older the teen gets, the less power the parents have. A parent can try to withhold keys or money from an older teen, but it doesn’t work well as many of you can testify. And once the teen is 18, he/she is legal and has the legal option of walking out and utterly ignoring the parents. And some of you can testify that your child did this–they left your home and ignored everything you said, and made their own way in the world, and in many cases, this led to heartbreak or tragedy in the family.
The older a person gets, the EASIER it is for them to have sex. After all, a parent can’t be with them all the time. The 18+ person is often in school or working, and in most cases, these people have their own place, even it’s just a dorm room somewhere.
Certainly you can tell your 18+ child to remain in your home where the rules will be followed. But you can’t STOP an 18+ child from moving out and finding their own place. And once a person is living away from their parents, it’s really really easy to have sex.
You’re kidding yourself if you think that waiting will help your child to not have sex. It gets harder for them to avoid sex the older they get, because everyone they know is having sex.
So what I’m saying here is allow your teens to date while you as a parent still have control and can actually work to thwart their attempts to have sex. Once they are 18 or older, you no longer control them (even though you think you do), and they WILL be MORE likely to have sex or do other things that are not right.
One disclaimer–I mentioned that there are 18+ people who still live at home because they are still financially dependent on their parents. That’s a tough situation. You can tell these people that they must obey the house rules, and that means no sex. But you honestly can’t stop an 18+ from going to someone else’s house. You can’t be their guards all the time once they’re of age. Some of you who have small children are saying, “Oh, yes we can!” But I’m telling you, No, you can’t. You really can’t, unless you want to be a tyrant, and then your older children will hate you and do anything they can to break away from your uber control.
K
KendraDZ1902
Guest
Can someone please explain to me how someone knows they want to marry someone without dating? I had no intention of getting married when I met my husband at 19. I don’t know anyone who wakes up one day and says, “hmmmm I think I want to get married, let’s go find a soulmate.” I think it is unhealthy to go into a relationship saying, “I want to get married.” If my husband told me that on the first date, I would have told him to take me home and lose my number.
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Usige
Guest
It is not about saying I’m going to get married now let’s find a spouse. At least not in the way you seem to imply. Really what I mean is what purpose is there to dating if you are not opened to the possibility of marriage? Turn it around the other way. Why date if you are only looking for short term relationships?
Maybe its because I and most of my family are introverts, but dating as a form of hanging out with buddies is mentally exhausting. Dating just to have fun does not seem to be worth the emotional rollercoaster. I watched all of my sisters date through their teens and early twenties. I watched them meet the guy of their dreams dozen of times. I sat with them as they sobbed when their world was shattered again and again and again. They didn’t date to find a long term partner, but that didn’t change the fact that their emotions still expected that each time they met the guy of their dreams it was going to last forever.
Why do I bring it up? Because most kids have no real idea why they are dating. Its some open ended thing without any goal. The issue is that they are then left adrift where their emotions, wants, and expectations are running riot. To what purpose? I don’t say that kids should be locked up until they are 18 so they don’t have sex. Instead I say that kids should not just be turned lose to date without an idea of why they are dating. With my kids we merely ask them to think beyond today. If they date and become emotionally attached are they prepared to marry or are they going to date the same person for 10 years until they are ready? We simply want them to consider what might be ahead and how it impacts others.
K
KendraDZ1902
Guest
If you NEVER have the intention of marrying, then no, there isn’t a purpose to date. If I wanted to be a cat lady (no offense to cat ladies) then there is no point in dating. It doesn’t matter how old you are when you decide to date, I don’t know anyone who ended up married to the first person they liked or dated.
Every relationship has taught me something about myself, even friendships with other girls. Every person I am close to has made me emotional at some point in my life. Best friends have made me cry, my family, heck my marriage is an emotional rollercoaster at times.
I have a sorority sister who has dated her boyfriend for almost 5 years now. They are happy. They enjoy their time together. They have been pressured for a couple of years now to get married. They aren’t ready to settle down yet. I don’t think it is anyone’s business how fast or slow a relationship goes. (I’m not talking about sex, they are both still virgins) I am positive that one day I will get an invite in the mail asking me to attend their wedding. These people didn’t say, “I love you,” until after their one year mark, so it could be several more years until they tie the knot. If it takes 10 more years, fine. As long as both are ok with that.
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mommamaree
Guest
It can happen, but not often. When my future husband walked into my Sunday School class the first time, I had an epiphany “That is the man I am going to marry”. It scared me, and for a long time, despite my obvious strong attraction to him, I “dated” other guys and had other boyfriends. But I was always comparing them to my future husband. When my parents told me I should date him instead, I said to them “I know. I am going to marry him someday, but I am not ready to think about tht yet”. When we both enrolled at the same college, unbeknownst to each other, then things started to become clear about our relationship. However, I was still afraid of marriage, because my parent’s marriage was horrible nd eventually failed. Finally, on Halloween of our freshman year, despite us not dating at the time, he told me he was in love with me and had been for a long time. Two weeks later, after giving it a lot of thought, I told him I was in love with him, too, and had only been afraid because I had known for so long that we were meant to marry. One month later he proposed with a petite diamond. We were so happy. Our parents freaked out. Refused to allow us toplan a wedding. Tried to break us up. Insisted we wait 5 years to even think about getting married. The pressure was so intense tht my then fiancé and I decided to secretly elope to cement our relationship and keep our parents from succeeding in pulling us apart. So one year to the day after he said he loved me for the first time, we stood before a justice of the peace and exchanged our vows without witnesses. Then we began our happy married life, with most of our Christian family members being more approving of what they thought was “living in sin” than an actual marriage. My fiancé and I were not stupid. We knew that 5 years was too long and we would fall into fornication repeatedly if we waited. We chose the path of disobedience over fornication.
We could never understand the hypocrisy of our parents and youth minister, who taught us about chastity in our high school years, and then encouraged fornication over Christian marriage to the point the our parents objected to our marriage and our pastor refused to marry us.
Young people can and often do find a suitable spouse in their teens. These responsible and marriage-minded youth should be prepared for a holy marriage and supported by their parents and pastors.
But just to again respond to the poster here who asked about discerning marriage without dating, that particular aspect of my story speaks to that possibility of that, even though I acknowledge that my epiphany moment is a rare experience. I really believe God brought us together when He did because marriage to my spouse began to undo the trauma of my childhood and heal some deep wounds. God was loving an unloved girl through a generous loving young man.
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mommamaree
Guest
You don’t know anyone personally who married their first love, but I m one of those people. My first date was with my husband.If you NEVER have the intention of marrying, then no, there isn’t a purpose to date. If I wanted to be a cat lady (no offense to cat ladies) then there is no point in dating. It doesn’t matter how old you are when you decide to date, I don’t know anyone who ended up married to the first person they liked or dated.
Every relationship has taught me something about myself, even friendships with other girls. Every person I am close to has made me emotional at some point in my life. Best friends have made me cry, my family, heck my marriage is an emotional rollercoaster at times.
I have a sorority sister who has dated her boyfriend for almost 5 years now. They are happy. They enjoy their time together. They have been pressured for a couple of years now to get married. They aren’t ready to settle down yet. I don’t think it is anyone’s business how fast or slow a relationship goes. (I’m not talking about sex, they are both still virgins) I am positive that one day I will get an invite in the mail asking me to attend their wedding. These people didn’t say, “I love you,” until after their one year mark, so it could be several more years until they tie the knot. If it takes 10 more years, fine. As long as both are ok with that.
Your sorority sister and her boyfriend are a wonderful example of a slow-developing romantic relationship. People become deeply attached at different rates. I knew by husband from the age of 13 or 14 (summer before my 14th birthday, I think). We finally eloped at barely 19. Yet our dating time was astonishly short, because it was on-again-off-again in high school, and only two full weeks of exclusive dating in college before he proposed and I accepted.
There are slow romances and swift romances, and they can all be chaste.
Eta: the struggles with chastity that my fiancé and I struggled with did not occur until AFTER our parents forbid planning any wedding and our pastor refused to marry us. We did fall into fornication during our engagement, which is why, as soon as we returned to college for our sophomore year, we began talking about elopement. We knew our parents were wrong. Fornication and cohabitation were NOT the answer to our situation that they pretended it was.
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PHSshamrock
Guest
I agree- the purpose of dating is to find a spouse after all.
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PHSshamrock
Guest
I’m a teen, and I totally agree
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
You’re not alone in this. The way society has done “dating,” it means hooking up, friends with benefits, etc. - anything BUT a chaste relationship. I would not recommend one on one dating until the two people are discerning marriage. Then again, I hate it that young men and women are waiting so long to marry, too, but that’s because of college, mainly, and an extended youth while becoming educated and professional.I expect I’ll be alone or in the definite minority on this, but our view has been that dating shouldn’t occur until one is ready to begin contemplating marriage. The temptation to sexual sin will be greatly reduced by not going out alone with members of the opposite sex. Group dates, where it’s understood that no one is going to be leaving the main group to isolate themselves … and where the group is doing something fun and wholesome: amusement park, eating out, movies, bowling can be fine. But one on one dating at 16-17-18…there’s no reason for it. No mainstream Catholic is going to be for early marriage, so why favor throwing your kids into temptation years and years before they can even consider getting married? The statistics on even “good Catholic kids” entering college and ending up in sexual relationships is about 80% … throw in contraception, STD’s and abortions … I don’t think we can assume our kids are stronger than we were.
S
SuperLuigi
Guest
I think maturity, not age, should more of a factor than anything.
But to quote a line from 7th Heaven: “I’m not sure if I want my 11-year-old son to go steady (ie, be in an exclusive, committed relationship with one girl)”.
At the age of 12-13, some parents may not let their kids date, because they are too young and too much can happen.
S
SuperLuigi
Guest
Hmmm…Maybe that’s what is should be, but often it isn’t.
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