Thoughts on what age dating should start?

[aspirant]

I agree that dating is for the purpose of finding/discerning a spouse.

I used to agree with this, but I really don’t agree with it anymore, at least not the way many people express it. I have known way too many priests and religious who would count their dating experience as a positive and even crucial element in their maturation, development of social and communication skills, growth in virtue, and even their vocation discernment.

It’s with this I agree:

However, one should make the rookie mistakes when one is a rookie. Learning about people, about the opposite sex, about what you are looking for, shouldn’t be done when all of the pressure is on.

Yes, there is heartache in dating. Romantic relationship come and go until you are married. But, a person can remain chaste while this is going on… As posters have said, you can’t prevent attraction. You *can *provide your teen with a framework to process what’s going on and to guide them to good decisions.

I fully agree with this! I understand the reticence of many parents. Who among us really wants our children to make the mistakes we have made, to experience the heartbreaks we did? We don’t want them to experience pain and suffering; we would love to protect them from such things. Our job is not to protect our children from suffering, however. Suffering, even heartache, will come one way or another. Our job is to equip them, to the extent we are able, with the knowledge and virtues that will guide them through making their tough decisions and dealing with the suffering and heartaches that do come.

Really what I mean is what purpose is there to dating if you are not opened to the possibility of marriage? Turn it around the other way. Why date if you are only looking for short term relationships?

See above regarding the priests and religious I know. Honestly, the best argument I ever heard in favor of dating, the one that changed my mind in the way I mentioned above, came from an avowed celibate friend who went on dates when he was younger!

Maybe its because I and most of my family are introverts, but dating as a form of hanging out with buddies is mentally exhausting. Dating just to have fun does not seem to be worth the emotional rollercoaster.

As an introvert, I understand what you’re saying. But not everyone experiences their own inner worlds in a manner similar to us. Not only extroverts but even many introverts find that some of the exhaustion and emotional rollercoasters are worth enduring.

most kids have no real idea why they are dating. Its some open ended thing without any goal. The issue is that they are then left adrift where their emotions, wants, and expectations are running riot. To what purpose?

This seems like a very good topic of discussion to keep open between parents and their children. It’s also a discussion other trusted adults, such as pastors, aunts and uncles, etc., might keep open with kids. It can be approached in a variety of ways, and I’m glad you’re doing this with your kids.

I don’t know anyone who ended up married to the first person they liked or dated.

It does happen, but it also seems somewhat rare. And even when someone does marry the first person they liked or dated, it’s not always the only person they liked or dated. My mother, for example, transferred into a new high school her sophomore year and instantly took a liking to one particular boy. They dated. They also dated other people. She married the first one, my dad, after finishing college. I have friends with whom the same happened: they dated each other first in high school, dated many other people, then married after grad school.

Every relationship has taught me something about myself, even friendships with other girls. Every person I am close to has made me emotional at some point in my life. Best friends have made me cry, my family, heck my marriage is an emotional rollercoaster at times.

Yes!

 

[Joko2599]

Well I’m 13, but personally, I believe dating should wait until teens are done with school and have sexual self-control. And it should be with somebody they truly love.

I don’t think 12-14 year olds have any business in dating. 15-17 is iffy. 18+ and sexually responsible until marriage is perfectly fine with me though.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Well… my parents had a ‘no dating until 18 (or was it 21 rule)’, so I just knew if ever a boy asked me out not to tell them about it. I was a shy kid so no one asked me out, but I always knew if I dated it would be behind my parents back. I honestly think it is naïve of a parent to assume a teen will follow a rule.

And as for group dates. There was always one couple that just hung off of each other no matter how much everyone else rolled their eyes.

I really think the best is to have honest communication with a teen because when they have a crush on someone, they will find a way to sneak around

Angie

 

[Cat]

Well I’m 13, but personally, I believe dating should wait until teens are done with school and have sexual self-control. And it should be with somebody they truly love.

I don’t think 12-14 year olds have any business in dating. 15-17 is iffy. 18+ and sexually responsible until marriage is perfectly fine with me though.

So.,.how old do you think people are when they “have sexual self-control?”

Joko2599, I’m going to answer the question for you. There is no such age.

You will never, ever get to a place where you have “sexual-control.” Assuming that you are healthy, you will always want sex. That’s the way God made us. Sometimes women have decreased desire, especially during non-fertile times, or right after having a baby. But the desire usually returns.

A person gains sexual-self control by practicing sexual self-control throughout their life.

You can’t “practice sexual self-control” by avoiding all things sexual, because simply being with other people means that you are involved with sexuality, as people are created sexual, not asexual.

You don’t gain sexual self-control by avoiding any situation that leads you to crave sex. There are simply too many triggers to sexual arousal. That’s the way God made us–He wants us to have children and populate the earth.

The way to learn sexual self-control is to face down these triggers and **learn to endure them without giving in to the desire to seek sexual release. **

It really is possible for a man to see a curvy mannequin wearing only underwear, and not rush to the bathroom to masturbate, or go home and demand sex from his wife. It is really possible for a woman to read a romance novel, and not head for the bedroom to masturbate, or pressure her husband for sex (although many husbands would love that!).

And it’s certainly possible for teenagers, including young teenagers, to be in the company of a member of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if they have SSA), and NOT give in to sexual desires! Learning how to do this is a valuable skill–it’s called “continence,” and young and old people would do well to learn and practice continence.

 

[PatriceA]

I’m the mom of two grown daughters, and I still do a lot of (volunteer) work with children and teenagers.

I would say that once a girl has started her period, it is very difficult to keep her from getting interested in boys. You can try, but God made females to develop an interest in the opposite sex once they are fertile, and I believe your efforts to keep her a little girl will fail and create much conflict and unhappiness in your family.

So I think that it is better to encourage, yes, encourage, interest in boys, but to guide your daughters so that they learn how to be friends with boys, who, up until the hormones kicked in, were “icky” to most girls!

Keep in mind that there is nothing evil happening when a girl is interested in a boy. That’s normal. Even if the girl is young, if she is fertile, it’s still normal. God made her to want children–that’s a good thing. So don’t try to give your daughters the impression that they are doing anything wrong. Just guide them.

IMO, a girl should be allowed to go out with mixed groups (boys and girls) starting around age 10, if she has enough friends (boys and girls) who are interested in going out together. Obviously these groups will be driven to their destination by their parents, and I don’t have a problem with parents chaperoning the activities–in fact, I think a chaperone hovering somewhere in the distance, but within shouting distance, is a good idea.

I’m thinking of the following activities for these mixed groups:

A movie (rated G; e.g., a Pixar animation film, or a Disney cartoon movie)–this should definitely be chaperoned, but Mom or Dad should sit away from the group of kids.

A sports event, especially a school event at their own school, but also a city team (E.g., going to see a Bears game).

A concert or play/musical. The play or musical should be something fairly “G-rated.” I know that plays and musicals don’t have ratings, but use common sense and the internet to research the plays/musicals. E.g., “Spring Awakenings” would be a big “NO!” for younger teens and pre-teens. “Fiddler on the Roof” would be a “yes.” “Putnam County Spelling Bee” would be a “Maybe,” but I’m guessing that the boys would be so embarrassed by it that they would beg their parents to please move away from their city to a new home across the country, so I wouldn’t allow it for a young mixed group.

A service project; e.g., serving in the rescue mission soup kitchen, or picking up trash in a city park or at the school.

A church service or Mass.

A family get-together, if there is enough room to accommodate the group of friends.

A meal at a family-style restaurant (e.g., Culvers) that does NOT serve alcohol. I’m certain that no decent restaurant would sell alcohol to a group of young teens, but it’s just the atmosphere. Why take a chance?

Now–as for dating–I would say two couples can go out together by around age 13-14, and to the same type of events as above, and again, they will be driven to their destination by their parents. I don’t think chaperones are necessary at this age.

I would say dating with just a boy and girl could happen as early as 13. Certainly by age 16.

You might think that 13 is too early, but I don’t agree. I think that it’s good when “children” start working on their relationship young. They “grow up together,” and form their values and opinions and worldview.

But most importantly, when the dating couple is young, they are still very much under the authority of their parents, and so there is someone outside of themselves to control their relationship. Because they don’t drive, they have no choice but to rely on their parents, and this means that they have to demonstrate respect for parents who are quite capable of locking up the car and saying, “No, you will stay home tonight.”

Once your kids are 16 or older, you’ve lost them. Even if they are close and you love each other, realistically, you no longer have much control over them. They can drive and work, and often teens of this age figure out how to work and earn enough money to buy their own car and insurance and then they can drive.

I think that by age 16, the "child’ is no longer a child, and should have all the adult skills necessary to survive and thrive in the United States. So IMO, it’s useless to try to deal with them as “children” and forbid any dating. You’re bucking all of God’s creation to do this. GOD created children to grow up and become parents themselves. The best you can do is guide, and if you have done a good job of guiding while the child is growing up, you will still have some influence once the child IS grown up.

That’s my opinion. Hope it’s helpful to some and harmful to none.

I agree with Cat.

 

[PaulinVA]

Quote:
Originally Posted by PaulinVA forums.catholic-questions.org/images/buttons_khaki/viewpost.gif
I agree that dating is for the purpose of finding/discerning a spouse.

I used to agree with this, but I really don’t agree with it anymore, at least not the way many people express it. I have known way too many priests and religious who would count their dating experience as a positive and even crucial element in their maturation, development of social and communication skills, growth in virtue, and even their vocation discernment.

What I meant by this is that dating in general is meant for finding a spouse. Obviously most people don’t marry the person they took to prom, or the person they had their first date with. However, those dates did add to the body of knowledge that the person has that they use to evaluate potential mates when they are ready.

So, dating at 16 is finding out about people, about yourself. That’s what I meant by making rookie mistakes when you are a rookie.

If the first time that a person of the opposite sex shows you interest you are 25 and ready for marriage, it’s a lot harder to evaluate than if that happens earlier when it’s not going to lead to marriage immediately.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I think 11-15 is awfully young to start dating. Co-ed activities are fine at that age, but those activities should have the goal of just cultivating friendship between the genders.

I guess around 16 depending on maturity, dating can start. But I actually would prefer co ed activities at that age as well. When I was young, we would call them “guy -friends”. Friendly opposite sex relationships, yet not romantic.

That being said, my 11 year old son received a note from a girl, “I like you, do you like me?”

These 2 have known each other since infancy. I have baby pictures of them together. My son is a “safe” boy for this girl to “like”. They live 50 miles away from each other so they don’t see each other often enough to develop very intense feelings.

Perhaps in the future they’ll get married. I have enough pictures to make a great wedding video.

 

[PetiteFoi]

If you want to save your child heart-break, temptation and a whole host of other issues, I’d not recommend it until they’re ready to marry. (or close to.)

I’m not going to willingly put my daughter into a situation where she’s too young, naive and hormonal to understand the difference between love and lust.
How is it even kind for a parent to put two 16 year olds into a situation where they can “cuddle” or “kiss” then say - “Well, that’s all you can do! I expect you to only do as much physically as I deem appropriate, until marriage!”

Someone is going to get burned; or their heart broken.

I’ve seen so many of my friends get into these relationships when they were young, be sexually active early in life - a girl I went to school with had, had 3 abortions by 18.
Until my daughter is ready to marry and mature enough - I’m not going to be encouraging any romantic relationships.

She can have male friends, and I’ll wholeheartedly encourage that; but no child, or teenager should be put into an early romantic relationship. I remember wanting to date at 13, to my little ‘boyfriends’ whose mom’s still had to drive them around.
But I had parents who kept a good hold on when dating was appropriate.
I dated a young man when I was 18, and had the maturity and good sense to realize he had an anger problem, and I needed to get myself out of there asap!
The next man I dated, I ended up marrying.

Peace,
~ PetiteFoi

 

[Baelor]

I would add only that parents should be discussing dating and marriage with their children. My parents never did with me and encouraged me not to date until later in life, and now I have no idea what I am doing or even if I want to get married.

 

[PaulinVA]

If you want to save your child heart-break, temptation and a whole host of other issues, I’d not recommend it until they’re ready to marry. (or close to.)

Every parent wants to spare their child the hurts and heartbreaks that they had. You simply can’t do that. We are the people we are because of those experiences.

I’m not going to willingly put my daughter into a situation where she’s too young, naive and hormonal to understand the difference between love and lust.
How is it even kind for a parent to put two 16 year olds into a situation where they can “cuddle” or “kiss” then say - “Well, that’s all you can do! I expect you to only do as much physically as I deem appropriate, until marriage!”

So, you want to have her wait and be older, naive and hormonal? How is that better? The stakes are much higher in your twenties than in your teens. You can say no or have your parents bail you out of bad situations in your teens. My kids all knew that if they ever needed a “bad guy” for a sudden change of plans and a return home, or a “no I can’t go to that party” that my wife and I would gladly be their bad guy excuse.

Someone is going to get burned; or their heart broken.

Better a heart wrenching high school breakup than a divorce and single parenthood.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Every parent wants to spare their child the hurts and heartbreaks that they had. You simply can’t do that. We are the people we are because of those experiences.

So, you want to have her wait and be older, naive and hormonal? How is that better? The stakes are much higher in your twenties than in your teens. You can say no or have your parents bail you out of bad situations in your teens. My kids all knew that if they ever needed a “bad guy” for a sudden change of plans and a return home, or a “no I can’t go to that party” that my wife and I would gladly be their bad guy excuse.

Better a heart wrenching high school breakup than a divorce and single parenthood.

I would also like to add that sometimes it is going to be your precious angel that breaks someone’s heart. That is life. What about other friendships? Are you, who are totally against teens dating, going to tell your kids not to become friends with the same sex because they can get their feelings hurt or can be stabbed in the back by their friends?

 

[Cat]

Every parent wants to spare their child the hurts and heartbreaks that they had. You simply can’t do that. We are the people we are because of those experiences.

So, you want to have her wait and be older, naive and hormonal? How is that better? The stakes are much higher in your twenties than in your teens. You can say no or have your parents bail you out of bad situations in your teens. My kids all knew that if they ever needed a “bad guy” for a sudden change of plans and a return home, or a “no I can’t go to that party” that my wife and I would gladly be their bad guy excuse.

Better a heart wrenching high school breakup than a divorce and single parenthood.

Amen to all that you say, PaulinVA.

I think that a lot of parents just don’t realize that the older their children get, the less control the parents have. We think our children will stay little and pliable forever, and that the child-rearing years will never end. But they do end, and the child leaves, and then the parent has virtually no control.

Best for a child/teen to date while the parents still control the money, car, locks and keys, school choice, and even more important, while the parents still have the option of sitting down with the child and talking things over. Once the child has moved out, and perhaps lives across the country, that “sitting and talking” option won’t happen, and the adult child will do what they please with no parent to ground them.

A broken heart won’t destroy a normal teenager. In fact, many teenagers have turned their broken hearts into great hit songs and other works of art, or they channel their heartbreak into determination to succeed in a career, the military, or a job. There’s something about heartbreak that makes many of us stronger and wiser.

I’m not sure how a teen with Asperger’s or some other condition would handle a broken heart, so my advice in this thread doesn’t apply to kids who are “exceptional” in some way.

 

[PaulinVA]

I think that a lot of parents just don’t realize that the older their children get, the less control the parents have. We think our children will stay little and pliable forever, and that the child-rearing years will never end. But they do end, and the child leaves, and then the parent has virtually no control.

Best for a child/teen to date while the parents still control the money, car, locks and keys, school choice, and even more important, while the parents still have the option of sitting down with the child and talking things over. Once the child has moved out, and perhaps lives across the country, that “sitting and talking” option won’t happen, and the adult child will do what they please with no parent to ground them.

You make a very good point. By pushing off dating to college or post high school, the parent is giving up a lot of opportunities to guide their child through the dating scene, keep them well grounded, and comfort them when things go bad.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I would also like to add that sometimes it is going to be your precious angel that breaks someone’s heart. That is life.

Yeah, that is totally inconceivable to some parents.

 

[aspirant]

So, dating at 16 is finding out about people, about yourself. That’s what I meant by making rookie mistakes when you are a rookie.

If the first time that a person of the opposite sex shows you interest you are 25 and ready for marriage, it’s a lot harder to evaluate than if that happens earlier when it’s not going to lead to marriage immediately.

Really, we agree.

Every parent wants to spare their child the hurts and heartbreaks that they had. You simply can’t do that. We are the people we are because of those experiences.

So, you want to have her wait and be older, naive and hormonal? How is that better? The stakes are much higher in your twenties than in your teens. You can say no or have your parents bail you out of bad situations in your teens. My kids all knew that if they ever needed a “bad guy” for a sudden change of plans and a return home, or a “no I can’t go to that party” that my wife and I would gladly be their bad guy excuse.

Better a heart wrenching high school breakup than a divorce and single parenthood.

I think that a lot of parents just don’t realize that the older their children get, the less control the parents have. We think our children will stay little and pliable forever, and that the child-rearing years will never end. But they do end, and the child leaves, and then the parent has virtually no control.

Best for a child/teen to date while the parents still control the money, car, locks and keys, school choice, and even more important, while the parents still have the option of sitting down with the child and talking things over. Once the child has moved out, and perhaps lives across the country, that “sitting and talking” option won’t happen, and the adult child will do what they please with no parent to ground them.

A broken heart won’t destroy a normal teenager. In fact, many teenagers have turned their broken hearts into great hit songs and other works of art, or they channel their heartbreak into determination to succeed in a career, the military, or a job. There’s something about heartbreak that makes many of us stronger and wiser.

You make a very good point. By pushing off dating to college or post high school, the parent is giving up a lot of opportunities to guide their child through the dating scene, keep them well grounded, and comfort them when things go bad.

And agreed with all of this.

Someone mentioned that heartbreak occurs not only in romantic relationships, but also in friendships as well, and that is very true. I would also add this: not all heartbreaks are a result of wrongdoing on someone’s part. It can happen, for example, that one person wants to try a romantic relationship and the other does not. Neither party has done anything wrong, they simply don’t share a common desire to try a romantic relationship, and that can be painful. But that pain can also be beneficial, a learning experience, if it is handled well.

 

[Kamaduck]

A broken heart won’t destroy a normal teenager. In fact, many teenagers have turned their broken hearts into great hit songs and other works of art, or they channel their heartbreak into determination to succeed in a career, the military, or a job. There’s something about heartbreak that makes many of us stronger and wiser.

Seconding this. Heartbreak isn’t any fun, but it’s part of life. We’re teens- our hearts break, they grow back together, and we learn from it. It’s a big part of growing up.

I guess I just don’t understand this mentality that suffering is always bad for us. I think it’s often quite neccessary. Whether a teen snaps is not determined by whether they get horribly upset at times- it’s determined by whether they have the skills and tools to deal with awful things when (not if) they do happen.

 

[aspirant]

Heartbreak isn’t any fun, but it’s part of life. We’re teens- our hearts break, they grow back together, and we learn from it. It’s a big part of growing up.

I guess I just don’t understand this mentality that suffering is always bad for us. I think it’s often quite neccessary. Whether a teen snaps is not determined by whether they get horribly upset at times- it’s determined by whether they have the skills and tools to deal with awful things when (not if) they do happen.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Every parent wants to spare their child the hurts and heartbreaks that they had. You simply can’t do that. We are the people we are because of those experiences.

So, you want to have her wait and be older, naive and hormonal? How is that better? The stakes are much higher in your twenties than in your teens. You can say no or have your parents bail you out of bad situations in your teens. My kids all knew that if they ever needed a “bad guy” for a sudden change of plans and a return home, or a “no I can’t go to that party” that my wife and I would gladly be their bad guy excuse.

Better a heart wrenching high school breakup than a divorce and single parenthood.

But we mature as people as we get older, though all sorts of other experiences, not necessarily romantic dating. I think going to college, working, living away from home - all of these are factors in maturation. You sound as if you are depending only upon dating to bring maturity.

 

[thewanderer]

But we mature as people as we get older, though all sorts of other experiences, not necessarily romantic dating. I think going to college, working, living away from home - all of these are factors in maturation. You sound as if you are depending only upon dating to bring maturity.

I think the point being made by some is that there are certain experiences and life lessons that come through dating experiences, and it is better for your kids to go through some of those while they are still under your authority and influence. There is a valid point here.

 

[Cat]

I think the point being made by some is that there are certain experiences and life lessons that come through dating experiences, and it is better for your kids to go through some of those while they are still under your authority and influence. There is a valid point here.

That’s exactly what I’m saying.

And for the record, I do believe that if the family can afford it and the teen wants it, the teen should leave home for college, military life, a volunteer endeavor (mission, peace corps, etc.), or a job. I personally don’t believe in keeping children home for many years. I think that adults should leave their parents and make their own way in the world.

But this assumes that the older teen is ready to leave home. If the parents have taught their teen all the skills of adulthood (holding down a job, managing money, driving, cooking, cleaning, DATING, church involvement, etc.) things will hopefully go well. But if the teen is still essentially a child, unable to manage life without parental involvement, then the teen should probably delay leaving home and the parents should get busy and teach the teen the skills they need to be an adult. I honestly think that some parents, especially some moms, deliberately avoid teaching these skills so that their “child” will stay dependent on them.