Thread for married people dealing with aftermaths of premarital sex

[mercygate]

I’m currently in the same boat as Paradoxy: My boyfriend and I didn’t wait, and we were sexually active for 3.5 of our 4.5 year long relationship to date (The first half year we “weren’t ready” and about six months ago I had a conversion experience and asked his support in abstaining until we get married when I graduate from college in a couple years). He has been fairly supportive so far, and I think that’s more than could be expected from most men in their 20s these days.

I do regret our decision, and I feel sad when I think about the possibility of our own teenagers being able to use the “Well YOU didn’t wait!” line on us (if we ever felt the need to honestly answer a question that revealed that fact to them). But I take solace in the idea that I could say “Oh yeah? Well it’s much harder to have that be a part of your life for years and then STOP for years than it is to just wait in the first place, so WAIT!” Haha…

But, in response to the original poster’s question, I think it’s so important to remember that God forgives us, and we have to really try to forgive ourselves. I’m still struggling to do so, but it’s such an important thing to do…You learned from your mistake, and you confessed it and everything, so just try to move forward, as awfully cliche as that sounds.

Heads up, Girl! You have been given a VERY great grace. I hope you will be open and honest in your witness to others. No need to do the “in-your-face” think about what is harder or is not (but that IS a point to be made!). Just note the graces and share them with others.

God love ya!

 

[littlepaperstar]

delete

 

[littlepaperstar]

Probably true. The irony is that I didn’t really ‘mind’ that he wasn’t a virgin. I think he was happy to know I was one, but my husband is 10 yrs older than me…but it’s still an interesting thing.

I didn’t mind that my husband wasn’t a virgin either. He is also 10 yrs older than me. But, I think my husband didn’t care that I was a virgin. He was respectful of me, but I think it didn’t affect him one way or another. He said it didn’t matter because he would love me either way. Still, it would of been nice if he said that he was glad I waited. But did he say that? noooo. shrugs

 

[Priscilla_Ann]

My husband wasn’t a virgin when we met and neither was I. It wasn’t an issue for either of us. We were 23 years old when we met, and we had both been in previous relationships. It was the experience of those past relationships that made us appreciate how blessed we were to have found each other. Neither of us has had any regrets about the past because it brought us to the wonderful relationship we have had for 24 years of marriage.

 

[paradoxy]

I do regret our decision, and I feel sad when I think about the possibility of our own teenagers being able to use the “Well YOU didn’t wait!” line on us (if we ever felt the need to honestly answer a question that revealed that fact to them). But I take solace in the idea that I could say “Oh yeah? Well it’s much harder to have that be a part of your life for years and then STOP for years than it is to just wait in the first place, so WAIT!” Haha…

I was worried about that too. But after we stopped having sex our relationship suddenly blossomed, and once we were married, the sex became so much better. Now I know what to tell my kids - ‘Learn from my mistakes…’

 

[jlyn1110]

oh boy…I haven’t read all the responses, but I can relate to the sentiment.

I was with someone who I thought could have been “the one”…but after a summer apart, I realized that things weren’t going to work out. Six months later, I started seeing someone new…part of why he asked me out was because he thought I was “devout” and “pure”…that I could help him come to terms with some demons from his own past. (he also thought I was kind, and smart, and pretty - those are closer to truth!) Needless to say, he got quite the shock when that topic eventually came up in conversation!

7 months later, we’re still together and going strong, even though I’m studying out of the country for the semester. It’s something we’ve talked about and will continue to talk about. He and I both regret our forays into premarital sex, and are committed to keeping each other as pure as possible until we marry (hopefully each other, but that remains to be seen).

Going to Mass together helps. Having good, strong friends helps. Praying a Rosary when tempted, or frustrated, or sad about what was lost helps. We can’t undo the past, but God has given us the strength and the tools to make better decisions in the future.

Ultimately, everything is a learning experience. I think that it took those acts of defiance to show me how God really wants me to live my life.

 

[GraceDK]

Dear gamera…
reading you post gets me ever so sad. sad because I am in the situation of having let my self get “robbed”… just recently and I litterally felt my life was over.
seeing that it hounts even married couples gets me to thinking… I can’t stand the pain as it is… if the pain just continues once you get married I am “doomed” and maybe I should just decide for single life so I don’t end up hurting somebody…

But I cannot help thinking… Dont you love your wife? Does she not love you. Is your heart divided towards her? or are you afraid that hers is divided? You see I think that you two should be living in a little happy shell where you both feel “we are one… I want no one else and she wants no one else… how blessed I am to have her and she to have me”… I bet it is satan that has gnawed a little hole in the shell… you two gotta become more one… when you become one in sadness the sadness witll dissolve… you will see that all you ever wanted is in your arms. I sense that you cry for help is because there is a place in you that feels lonely … is that so brother…
Anyways these were just some thoughs.
You definately are not alone. And you are not insane. You just gotta also be thankful for this beautiful precious wife that God has sent to YOU excatly to love and to hold… He knows you will take good care of his beloved daughter.
Dont listen to “da devil”… You and your wife did not give your selves away in the past… you are here NOW … you belong FULLY to one another… you must mentally surrender to one another… pray together… communicate your pain… ask God to protect from these thoughts that have no place in the fullness of love…
And remember… we have all sinned and fallen short…

I love you. may the devil be gone in the name of Jesus!

 

[CarrieH]

IMO the early sexual intimacy forestalled growth of true intimacy which is supposed to be the hallmark of the engagement period.

As a fellow member of your generation, I’m one of the divorce statistics. I grew up in a secular home (I’m a convert), and popular culture fed me the same pack of lies. I wasn’t “robbed,” as the OP mentions, but I certainly was conned. I am 100% sure that if I had abstained from premarital sex, our relationship would have never made it to the point of marriage – it likely wouldn’t have lasted 6 months! But we were “in love with being in love” and in love with sex. He wasn’t my “first,” nor was I his, so it was “no big deal” for us to cohabitate and fornicate…or so we thought. Turns out we were very mismatched in the important areas, and it’s not the least bit surprising that the marriage fell apart. If I could change one thing about my past, I would have loved myself and my Lord enough to save my virginity for someone who would have been worthy of that gift. I can’t change that, but I can choose to live a life of chastity from this point on, and I do!

This includes, for many women in my generation, grieving for unborn children lost through aggressive contraception.

I read on another Catholic website that those who had contracepted should pray and ask the Lord how many children they were meant to have had, and to pray for the souls of the ones they contracepted. I found that to be a very healing experience, so I thought I’d share that with others who may be hurting in this way.

Pax,
CarrieH

 

[jabelltulsa]

I haven’t read the posts in the thread, but I feel compelled to interject something.

Do NOT further your sin by falling into despair, please! The devil will use that to hurt your faith and hope.

I lived a life of drugs, sex, and rejection of God for close to half my life. I fell into despair shortly after I got my life back together, and it left me feeling dark and hopeless. Do not do that.

God is your Father, Christ is your Messiah, the Holy Spirit is you Guide. There is nothing they cannot do for you. They have given you countless saints that demonstrate Christ’s victory. They have given you the Sacrament of Penance. They have given you the Eucharist. They have given you Matrimony. It is all going to be just fine!

I feel so much love for those who have sinned like me. Go and take advantage of a General Confession. Read the Scriptures. Take Communion. Live your life better today, and do not regret the past. Once you have been forgiven of a sin, it is gone - don’t bring it back up, just learn from it.

Sure, we have lost that gift of a virgin marriage, but we have a path to Heaven in spite of that! It’s all going to be fine!

I love you all … peace and God Bless!

One final thought. I will (God willing) be having children soon. I will use my mistakes to educate my children on how to avoid the sins of the world. This shows me that Christ makes all things new.

 

[mercygate]

I read on another Catholic website that those who had contracepted should pray and ask the Lord how many children they were meant to have had, and to pray for the souls of the ones they contracepted. I found that to be a very healing experience, so I thought I’d share that with others who may be hurting in this way.

Pax,
CarrieH

Whoa! Early on in our marriage, we quit contracepting. We weren’t Catholic; we just intuited that it was wrong. I have never thought about those contracepting years in terms of my Lord’s children except abstractly. I’m trembling here.

 

[RWMorris]

With all my heart I wish I’d waited until our wedding night. But I gave all the pain to Jesus and He has healed me.

 

[GraceDK]

Carrie…
assuming your logic I would claim that a lot of Catholics who use natural family planning and avoid having sex in the very fertile time of the cycle are in fact preventing a certain cell from reaching a certain egg and therefore God could be sad about that as well… somebody did not get born because people avoided marital communion at a certain time… these folkes might then be potential parents and avoided life ( or shoud we allow ourselves to really analyse the concept of openess and the lack of the same and how these concepts are abused in order to not go into absurd reasoning) and maybe we should ask forgiveness for that as well… ??? I mean this as no provocation but me and many others really can’t see the logic…
If I had used condoms in my life I would be sad about having used it because I realise in my soul that this is against the holyness of God… but I would not ask pardon in the sense that you suggest. I believe preventive action is preventive action…? besides… the Catholic church always seem to hold that condoms are not safe anyway: “full of holes” I believe was the statement whereas the NFP is said to be totally reliable (that is in other words “closed” towards life)… so I guess using condoms is quite “open”, huh? anyway, why is one kind of reservation so faul when another is not at all… also I find it difficult to understand how the Church has changed its position about NFP over the last century …

 

[GraceDK]

To get one point clear:
There is only a soul involved when there is a conception involved. That means that a sperm cell is not a soul… thus, contraception does not equal killing babies… unless you talk about morning-after pills where there indeed might have been a meeting between the two causing a new life…

 

[mercygate]

Carrie…
assuming your logic I would claim that a lot of Catholics who use natural family planning and avoid having sex in the very fertile time of the cycle are in fact preventing a certain cell from reaching a certain egg and therefore God could be sad about that as well… somebody did not get born because people avoided marital communion at a certain time… these folkes might then be potential parents and avoided life ( or shoud we allow ourselves to really analyse the concept of openess and the lack of the same and how these concepts are abused in order to not go into absurd reasoning) and maybe we should ask forgiveness for that as well… ??? I mean this as no provocation but me and many others really can’t see the logic…
If I had used condoms in my life I would be sad about having used it because I realise in my soul that this is against the holyness of God… but I would not ask pardon in the sense that you suggest. I believe preventive action is preventive action…? besides… the Catholic church always seem to hold that condoms are not safe anyway: “full of holes” I believe was the statement whereas the NFP is said to be totally reliable (that is in other words “closed” towards life)… so I guess using condoms is quite “open”, huh? anyway, why is one kind of reservation so faul when another is not at all… also I find it difficult to understand how the Church has changed its position about NFP over the last century …

This topic belongs on one of the many that discuss the natural moral law, possible sinfulness of intent in using NFP, and the reasons WHY it **fundamentally **differs from contraception.

 

[indome]

I am not married but I, too, am also dealing with the aftermath of premarital sex. I am now in a committed dating relationship with a young lady, and we are seriously talking marriage.

However, a few weeks ago she shared with me that she had had premarital sex with her two previous boyfriends. She says it only happened once with each guy, that she wasn’t intending to live a promiscuous lifestyle. Both of her previous boyfriends wouldn’t express commitment to her, but when they pressed for sex she gave in, thinking they would in turn give her the commitment she was longing for. But in each case, they both broke up with her soon after having sex to move on to other women.

She says she has repented and long ago asked for and received God’s forgiveness, and now she is asking for my forgiveness, as her would-be husband. She wanted me to know before we were married, because of her love for me; because I am the first guy who has been willing to commit to her without asking for sex.

But though I love her very much, I find myself struggling greatly with this. First, because I committed myself years ago when I was still in high school to turn away from temptation and save myself for my future wife…and second, her last boyfriend also happens to be one of my closest friends, who had never said a word about any of this to me.

Everything was going wonderfully well in our relationship up until now. If it were not for this one thing, I would already be eagerly making plans for proposing. However, I now find myself doubting whether she really is the one for me… I have always wanted my wedding night to be a special giving of myself completely to my wife, and her to me. But now I don’t know whether I will be able to live the rest of my life with her knowing she has already given herself away, and to a close friend, no less. And I find myself wondering, if we were to marry, whether she would be thinking of her past sexual experiences when we have relations, even though she says she has cut all ties to her past and that I’m the only man in her heart.

And so I read this thread with great interest, hoping to find direction and advice. In my mind I realize surely there’s more to married life than sex, but as a young, single man who’s never been married nor had sex I just can’t seem to bring myself to let go of my girlfriend’s past and move our relationship forward.

 

[mercygate]

I am not married but I, too, am also dealing with the aftermath of premarital sex. I am now in a committed dating relationship with a young lady, and we are seriously talking marriage.

However, a few weeks ago she shared with me that she had had premarital sex with her two previous boyfriends. She says it only happened once with each guy, that she wasn’t intending to live a promiscuous lifestyle. Both of her previous boyfriends wouldn’t express commitment to her, but when they pressed for sex she gave in, thinking they would in turn give her the commitment she was longing for. But in each case, they both broke up with her soon after having sex to move on to other women.

She says she has repented and long ago asked for and received God’s forgiveness, and now she is asking for my forgiveness, as her would-be husband. She wanted me to know before we were married, because of her love for me; because I am the first guy who has been willing to commit to her without asking for sex.

But though I love her very much, I find myself struggling greatly with this. First, because I committed myself years ago when I was still in high school to turn away from temptation and save myself for my future wife…and second, her last boyfriend also happens to be one of my closest friends, who had never said a word about any of this to me.

Everything was going wonderfully well in our relationship up until now. If it were not for this one thing, I would already be eagerly making plans for proposing. However, I now find myself doubting whether she really is the one for me… I have always wanted my wedding night to be a special giving of myself completely to my wife, and her to me. But now I don’t know whether I will be able to live the rest of my life with her knowing she has already given herself away, and to a close friend, no less. And I find myself wondering, if we were to marry, whether she would be thinking of her past sexual experiences when we have relations, even though she says she has cut all ties to her past and that I’m the only man in her heart.

And so I read this thread with great interest, hoping to find direction and advice. In my mind I realize surely there’s more to married life than sex, but as a young, single man who’s never been married nor had sex I just can’t seem to bring myself to let go of my girlfriend’s past and move our relationship forward.

Sounds like you have a fine young woman there. I hope the Holy Spirit will give you both the grace to live according to the values you have BOTH now embraced. She loves you enough to risk losing you for the sake of truth and integrity.

In our society, it’s hard enough to find someone who is on the same page we are about purity. Someone who learned the hard way is in some ways more “credible” than someone who has not been seared by her mistakes. I believe Crystalina Evert has a “spotted” past, and she is a radiant witness to the beauty of purity.

 

[GraceDK]

Dear brother indome. (1)

Upon reading about your difficult situation I became very sad and felt a great pain. I have thought about it for some hours, trying to figure out how to express the following to you.
My sympathy really goes out to you because of the pain you feel. Its a legitimate pain… Even more so I feel sorry for your girlfriend whom you contemplated sharing a whole lifetime with untill a few days ago.

I wanna first make it clear that I think you should end it off with this woman. I think you better do it now rather than later. My reasons for being so direct and short in my reply is that I am in the same situation as this woman. Just a few days ago I said to someone: “I hope God sends me a man who is not a virgin because I just cannot stand the thought of letting a man that I love look at my bleeding wounds and have him reject me for them, or even give me the sad eyes for a long time…”

It seems to me like you would love to get off the hock here, and maybe you like my answer then when I say you really should end this relationship, as I hear you saying: “I am a young man, innocent and all that…I was hoping for…”
But my motive for my advice is somehwat different from what you imagine it would be.

The following is my uncensured thoughts. I feel for you. I really do. And what I write I write with charity.

 

[GraceDK]

To indome:

…But, I am asking myself the simple question: are you worth this womans love? My first thought is this: you are who you are and she is whom she is. You cannot help but feel hurt… and feelings have their own right. But do realise that your hurt can be boiled down to a few lines that might not look very nice:
You are telling her: You are worth loving only in as much as you can be a part of my romantic dream. Put in other words again: **My ideal of a pure woman in my weddingnight-bed is more alive than my love for you. **That is really what it is. You see, you are loving her as an idea, not as a person. Therefore I say you lack much when it comes to love. I am comparing your love to the love of Jesus Christ dying for the individual sinner… He would die for a person who had fornicated for money and lust… you would not consider marrying a Christian sister who was tempted out of weakness, loving whom she was with and being so insecure of her self that she thought she might gain more love if she gave herself away. That is weakness… that is… being in for a bad surprise when she hears from your mouth that heroic love does not exist in this world. Yes, I feel more sorry for her than for you by far. You say you two were doing fine up untill now? - I don’t think so…
You are not ready for her. Jesus is. I would that you were too… I would that you had fallen badly just once, just once, so you would know that there are no fornicators, there are no murderers, no boasters… Only people who have been maltreated by satan, by themselves and by fellowman. There are only one kind of Christian individual: a person who is justified by Jesus Christ and Him alone… who have fallen, but are not fallen. Yes brother. Do take a break, tell her the truth, that your love is not big enough. You need more humility before you can wholly surrender into the club of the broken ones who love Jesus and whom He has cleansed. We can love because He loved us first. Be honest with yourself then. I am not trying to scold you… I have been in all these situations my self so I know how you feel. But take a break and learn about life. I hope you are strong but sometimes life is a mess and you wonder how you… you of all people got inside of this mess…
Find a woman that you love far more than this. You feel right now like you deserve something better… right?.. just say it… like you have the right… you have sudden reservations towards this girl because of an action that took place in the past and that action matters more to you than her person and her presence in your life because of your romantic ideals. I know how painful it is to be a romantic in this world where you eventually experience that sometimes life really sucks and turns you upside down. How sad it is to be disillusioned … even more so if your own identity as an angel-being falls apart. But I am not sure whether it is not you who ought to ask her for forgiveness. She needs a man who will love her as she is… not for what she could be. Try turning this around: what if you had been tempted once and had fallen - having had sex, having been drunk, having lied, or even worse: having been proud - would you then think her love was big if she said: “no, sorry… I REALLY love you, but I can’t handle that… I was hoping to find a man who…”
The well known philosopher Kant once said: immorality is using people to achieve your goals. A human person must always be goal in itself… this is human dignity.
Can you see my point here? Can you see that your romantic ideals about wedding night comes out and shows your real priority and where this young woman fits in. Do end it off and give her this piece of writing as an explanation if you want. Being in her own shoes I know and swear that if she feels anything like I do when considering her earlier falls, there is no pleasure left, no comparison, no joy, no memory that has been allowed to be invested in something good, but all of it has been buried under ten layers of soil… soil called regret. As I see you and her standing in front of each other I see only two sinners, one who knows her weakness but who is ready to wholly and lovingly give herself to you and not look back, and the other, who knows not his weakness, who, might never having been tempted tells himself that he is not a sinner, and who contemplates and loves his ideals about one night more than the sister infront of him.

 

[mercygate]

Re posts #55 and #56: Right on the money. Both!

One can use one’s “virtues” as a club to quench the smouldering wick and break the bruised reed.

 

[LittleDeb]

To indome:

…But, I am asking myself the simple question: are you worth this womans love? My first thought is this: you are who you are and she is whom she is. You cannot help but feel hurt… and feelings have their own right. But do realise that your hurt can be boiled down to a few lines that might not look very nice:
You are telling her: You are worth loving only in as much as you can be a part of my romantic dream. Put in other words again: **My ideal of a pure woman in my weddingnight-bed is more alive than my love for you. **

Can you see my point here? Can you see that your romantic ideals about wedding night comes out and shows your real priority and where this young woman fits in. Do end it off and give her this piece of writing as an explanation if you want. Being in her own shoes I know and swear that if she feels anything like I do when considering her earlier falls, there is no pleasure left, no comparison, no joy, no memory that has been allowed to be invested in something good, but all of it has been buried under ten layers of soil… soil called regret. As I see you and her standing in front of each other I see only two sinners, one who knows her weakness but who is ready to wholly and lovingly give herself to you and not look back, and the other, who knows not his weakness, who, might never having been tempted tells himself that he is not a sinner, and who contemplates and loves his ideals about one night more than the sister infront of him.

At first I was tempted to say that this was too harsh, but upon really reading it I find it right on the money. Excellent post!

Many people have asked how I, as a Catholic, was willing to wait and see if my now husband was worth the wait for a Decree of Nullity. He was an Evangelical-married-divorced, fornicator, when I met him. Gee, here I was “just” a fornicator.

He is now a Catholic, and a 3rd degree Knight of Columbus who gives talks with me on the beauty of marital chastity through NFP.

Worth the wait when he had “so much” to overcome? You betcha! I thank God every day that He sent me a man who was so open to my shortcomings.