Timely topic: my cousin's girlfriend just moved in with him

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RosslynV

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Heard about this from a family member. I wouldn’t consider myself close to this cousin-- run into him on the holidays. If I admonished him regarding his live in girlfriend, the advice would surely go in one ear and out the other. Nevertheless, should I say something or just prudent to remain quiet. (He is a non-practicing catholic).
 
The problem is the fact that he is non-practicing. If they are not practicing Christians, they are probably taking cues from our pagan culture. Set an example of Christian Faith and practice for your family.
 
RosslynV said:
Heard about this from a family member. I wouldn’t consider myself close to this cousin-- run into him on the holidays. If I admonished him regarding his live in girlfriend, the advice would surely go in one ear and out the other. Nevertheless, should I say something or just prudent to remain quiet. (He is a non-practicing catholic).
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Yes, admonishing the sinner is a spiritual work of mercy. However, you are in no position to make this correction to your cousin.

Fraternal correction is only possible and only an obligation if you possess one or both of two things: influence or authority. If you either or both of these, you are in a position to correct your cousin. If not, your correction will go unheeded and it is best to spare your words.
 
If you ever see them at a Thanksgiving Dinner or a wake, and if you do get into a nice conversation, maybe you can ask them to go to church with you. Maybe this would be too awkward: you be the judge. But a lot of people evangelize this way, and sometimes they get a bite.🙂 It might be the start of something. 😃

If not, just pray. God can move hearts. Best wishes for this!
 
Very good guidance here.

Dshix, can you pls elaborate what you mean by authority and influence. By virtue of me being 15 yrs older than my cousin, does this give me a sense of authority? As to influence, the fact that I’m not close nor on friendly terms to him, would that render influence moot?
 
RosslynV said:
Very good guidance here.

Dshix, can you pls elaborate what you mean by authority and influence. By virtue of me being 15 yrs older than my cousin, does this give me a sense of authority? As to influence, the fact that I’m not close nor on friendly terms to him, would that render influence moot?
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Ok.

So you have influence when a person respects your opinion and is likely to take it into account.

Authority is when you are in an actual position of authority above that person, giving you the right to speak to them in a commanding way.

Examples of both:
A person who has been close friends with another person for 20 years, starting in grade school and continuing through highschool, probably has great influence with that person, but not authority. Since the two persons have known each other so long and had such a strong friendship, if one says something to the other in a correcting manner, they are likely to listen.

A boss who has employees has positional authority over his employees. This authority, if used properly, is very strong and gives him the right to speak to his employees and correct them on certain matters. He doesn’t necessarily have influence with his employees, but notice that he can still, say, correct an employee if he is acting inappropriately.

A father has both influence and authority (hopefully) over his children. He has the positional authority over being father, and the influence of having cared for his children all their lives.
_

So, to answer your question directly: No, you do not have authority over your cousin just because you are 15 years older than him. You also don’t appear to have any strong influence with him, in that you haven’t spent very much time with him, and aren’t close friends. So I would not advise you to attempt to correct him in his behaviors or advise him on a better course of action, since he is not likely to listen.
 
I think dshix has laid it all out very well. The Old Catholic Encyclopedia lays it out pretty similarly in their article on fraternal correction.

As dshix said, admonishing the sinner is a spiritual work of mercy, but that doesn’t mean it is always and everywhere best for us to correct every sin we see in another person. When we attempt to do this indiscriminately, it tends to backfire. Prudence is the necessary virtue here.
 
I never find it good to try to correct someone (let alone judge) based on something I heard from someone else.
 
RosslynV said:
Heard about this from a family member. I wouldn’t consider myself close to this cousin-- run into him on the holidays. If I admonished him regarding his live in girlfriend, the advice would surely go in one ear and out the other. Nevertheless, should I say something or just prudent to remain quiet. (He is a non-practicing catholic).
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My question, not just to you, but to anyone who feels that “fraternal correction” is their obligation, especially to a fallen away family member is this- where were you when they started “falling away” and why are you all of a sudden interested?

Now, by your own admission OP, you say you are not close to this cousin, so why would you even think about “correcting” him? I have been in this situation (as the fallen away one), and to be perfectly honest, for the one doing the “correcting” it was all about them being “good, right, & moral” and me being a “pagan/heretic”.
My point- intention is everything! What is yours in this situation?
 
I would be in the camp of not saying anything. It is not your business, he is not your immediate family, you did not raise him.
In what way is he ‘non-practicing’? And to how is this measured? Sounds like he is old enough to make his own decisions in both what he believes in and how he lives.
 
My cousin is a non-practicing catholic since he hasn’t attended Mass since high school. He’s 33 years old. From conversations I’ve had with him, he is quite secular in outlook.
So what to do in such situation? Left to his own devices and without any admonishment or idea of catholic morality, he will never change. I have tried to get him to attend Mass with me in the past (especially after his divorce of his irregular marriage) but to no avail. I have decided to stay quiet and just pray for him since he is a lost cause.
 
RosslynV said:
My cousin is a non-practicing catholic since he hasn’t attended Mass since high school. He’s 33 years old. From conversations I’ve had with him, he is quite secular in outlook.
So what to do in such situation? Left to his own devices and without any admonishment or idea of catholic morality, he will never change. I have tried to get him to attend Mass with me in the past (especially after his divorce of his irregular marriage) but to no avail. I have decided to stay quiet and just pray for him since he is a lost cause.
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You’d be surprised what that can do.

Look at the loads of people who abandon such lifestyles because they hear God’s call for them to come to the Church. I was one of them, and I know I’m not the only one here on CAF. I’m sure I was able to hear that call, despite all the sinfulness in my life, because I had people praying for me.

Even though I don’t think I’ve personally inspired anyone to convert, I’ve had several people (now that I’ve toned down my “new convert everything Catholic is AWESOME” zeal ;)) make quiet inquiries into the way I live my life. Instead of "you’re crazy"s, I’ve gotten (sincere!) "wow, that’s interesting"s. Or "Huh, I never knew that"s. Or, “That always bothered me, but you explained it in a way that makes sense. Thanks.”

They are small, but they are starting points. Keep praying, and trusting in God. 👍
 
RosslynV said:
My cousin is a non-practicing catholic since he hasn’t attended Mass since high school. He’s 33 years old. From conversations I’ve had with him, he is quite secular in outlook.
So what to do in such situation? Left to his own devices and without any admonishment or idea of catholic morality, he will never change. I have tried to get him to attend Mass with me in the past (especially after his divorce of his irregular marriage) but to no avail. I have decided to stay quiet and just pray for him since he is a lost cause.
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The good news is that no one–and I mean no one–is a lost cause this side of eternity.

Insofar as speaking with him, ask yourself a question that anyone should ask themselves before taking any significant step with another person: What will the likely outcome of my action be? Will it draw this person closer to Christ, or drive them further away?

I think you’ve answered that yourself. If saying something to him will just anger him, then it will hardly do any good to say something, right?

Now, that does not mean that you have to be a party to his behavior. If they’re in town and want to stay with you, for example, make it clear that they’ll stay in separate rooms. You can do this courteously and without making it a big deal or even about them: “Sure, we’d love to see you! Just a heads-up, though: one of our house rules is that non-married couples sleep in separate rooms, so you’ll be bunking on the family room couch, and Suzy will be sleeping in the guest room.” At that point, he’s free to say, “Thanks for letting me know; in that case, we’ll be staying at the Holiday Inn, but perhaps we could meet you for dinner on Tuesday?” or “Ok, I understand. Thanks for letting us spend the night!”

All of that having been said, remember that our job in our time here is to treat others as though they were Christ: with love, courtesy, and respect. Treating him and his girlfriend this way is much more likely to show them that Catholics are kind and loving people, and who knows–maybe he’d like to learn a bit more about the Church? People are rarely drawn to a faith by having someone scream at them that they’re going to Hell. They often are by having people show Christ’s love to them through their actions. However, even if he and his girlfriend never see eye-to-eye with the Church on this or any matter, we’re still called to be Christ to them. We can’t control other peoples’ actions; we can only control our own.
 
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