Tips needed for college son living at home

  • Thread starter Thread starter Elzee
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
E

Elzee

Guest
Entering into a new stage of life. Our son is starting college but will be living at home. Would appreciate any tips on this transition - how do other handle general house rules, curfews?, expectations? Would live some advice.
 
Your house = your rules.

If he doesn’t like it then he can take out student loans and move to a dorm. If he is 18 your job is done and it’s time for him to step up be responsible and act like an adult.

I wouldn’t coddle him and just make college seem like an extension of high school. He can wash his own cloths, clean his own living spaces and cook his own meals if you don’t feel like it.

This ball is in your court and I wouldn’t make it a negotiation. It’s your house if you want to set a curfew then do, if you don’t then don’t and if you change your mind that’s ok also just let him know on the front end what YOUR expectations are and what his options are if he doesn’t like them.
 
Has he been a discipline problem in the past?. Generally, he should be making the transition to adulthood and not be treated like a child. Adults should not have curfews. However, if his coming in late wakes you up, you have every right to make a rule about that.

The understanding should be that you are making great sacrifice to help him pursue his education so he has to take that education very seriously and study very hard.
 
Agree with the 2 previous posters. It is a rough stage and he will most likely screw up or irritate you at some point in time. One thing I kept in mind when my son commuted was how late would he be staying out if he was alone at school. I tried my best to give him his freedom. The number one rule I had was for him to respect me enough to send a text message. After all I do pay for the phone. It is not hard for him to send a text saying what, where and why. It will be a big change for both of you, just make sure to keep an open dialogue and bring things up before the pot boils over. Personally, I wish all of my kids would commute to college, the costs now a days are through the roof. My one daughter goes to Penn State and it is the equivalent of buying a new car every year. :sad_yes:
 
When our kids were full time college students, we backed off on the chores and such. We also asked them to let us know in a general way when they’d be home and when they’d be out. That’s just manners.

As long as they weren’t doing anything illegal or immoral, we gave them space to figure things out.
 
When one of my brothers returned home to live after being in college for a year there were some difficult moments for my parents. I thought the attitude they expressed to him after many stressful situations was one I would use if I ever had to deal with the same situation. They told him that how they felt about things should not come as any surprise after growing up with them for 18 years and that knowing how they felt about a variety of issues he should decide if he wanted to live in the house with them. They were aging and could not tolerate constant stress and he was old enough and bright enough to know that. For whatever reason that seemed to work and he respected them enough to not cause them turmoil while he lived there. I have to admit that I think it also motivated him to make his way our of the house as quickly as possible.
 
it is a tough adjustment for both of you whether he goes away and comes back for breaks or stays home. With our children, the hardest thing for me to let go of was curfew because I never could fall asleep while they were out. (Of course their comment was “how does you being awake keep us safe” - and logically I agreed!) As time went on, I would fall asleep but usually wake up sometime after midnight. Our rule became if I text you, you need to respond just so I know you were still alive. It became a family joke because inevitably mom would text and 3 minutes later the garage door would open because they were home. I decided my son in particular was just sitting in his car down the street waiting for my text so he could come home! Good luck. It’s a fun time. I really enjoyed the college years. Newly married years are pretty great too and I’m anxiously awaiting grandma years now!

Kris
 
PaulfromIowa said:
Has he been a discipline problem in the past?. Generally, he should be making the transition to adulthood and not be treated like a child. Adults should not have curfews. However, if his coming in late wakes you up, you have every right to make a rule about that.

The understanding should be that you are making great sacrifice to help him pursue his education so he has to take that education very seriously and study very hard.
Click to expand...
Adults living as guests with other adults should come and go at times that do not inconvenience or annoy their hosts.

We have living at home for college as one of our options (we’re walking distance from a college) and while I haven’t actually lived through this yet, I’m penciling in that I would want college age kids home by 10 PM on school nights (maybe 11?) and midnight on Friday and Saturday night–with later times available by prior arrangement.

But I definitely want to avoid a situation where the adult child acts either like a little kid, or like a boarder who just happens to share a house with strangers, and who comes and goes at all hours without talking to the other residents.

Also, I would ideally like to have a mandatory savings program for adult children living at home, as (due to our circumstances) if they lived at home and went to the local college, there should not be any student loans.
 
I have college age children living at home. They made a wise economic choice to stay home to help reduce debt. We are blessed with many universities within driving distances.

We have an excellent relationship with our children and enjoy the interaction with them as they blossom into adults. The time they’ve spent at home during college has helped us continue to form them into upstanding young adults who regularly receive the sacraments.

As for rules? Sunday mass is an obligation, but they do not have to attend with the family. This is VERY important as a mom reminded me. If a child makes a big mistake and commits a mortal sin, you want to give them the freedom to go to a mass and not feel like they need to receive Holy Communion. If they attend with the family, they may feel like you will jump to the wrong (or right!) conclusion if they don’t receive. Give them that freedom to sit in the pew on their own.

As for curfew, they don’t have one. I just ask them to keep in mind that they have younger siblings watching and they need to be mindful of the example they are setting. Like it or not, they are role models and they have to be aware of their position in the family.

Chores? If I need anything done, I just ask. But that’s the way I run the house. Sometimes I feel like I ask my oldest to do too much of the running but then we joke that it’s cheaper than rent!

When they each graduated high school, we told them the basic rule for an adult in the home is to be respectful and attend mass. Help as you can, do your laundry, but don’t feel like you can’t ask me to help out when school gets intense. They are not required to ask permission to go places, just remember that others need the car, so check with others before taking it.

That sums up how we’ve approached college. So far so good 👍 We have one Magna Cum Laude graduate and he’s doing great and has a couple of minor loans. Working full time, but still wants a better job…a career not a job. It’s rough out there, but hasn’t it always been that way?
 
Anglewannabe said:
I disagree. There is such a thing as respect for the homeowner. If someone is adult enough to not have a curfew, they are adult enough to get their own place
Click to expand...
There is that.

I’m middle-aged, but If I were visiting my family, I would be mortified to come in beyond a certain hour without having cleared it with my hosts first.
 
MomaMary8 said:
I have college age children living at home. They made a wise economic choice to stay home to help reduce debt. We are blessed with many universities within driving distances.

We have an excellent relationship with our children and enjoy the interaction with them as they blossom into adults. The time they’ve spent at home during college has helped us continue to form them into upstanding young adults who regularly receive the sacraments.

As for rules? Sunday mass is an obligation, but they do not have to attend with the family. This is VERY important as a mom reminded me. If a child makes a big mistake and commits a mortal sin, you want to give them the freedom to go to a mass and not feel like they need to receive Holy Communion. If they attend with the family, they may feel like you will jump to the wrong (or right!) conclusion if they don’t receive. Give them that freedom to sit in the pew on their own.

As for curfew, they don’t have one. I just ask them to keep in mind that they have younger siblings watching and they need to be mindful of the example they are setting. Like it or not, they are role models and they have to be aware of their position in the family.

Chores? If I need anything done, I just ask. But that’s the way I run the house. Sometimes I feel like I ask my oldest to do too much of the running but then we joke that it’s cheaper than rent!

When they each graduated high school, we told them the basic rule for an adult in the home is to be respectful and attend mass. Help as you can, do your laundry, but don’t feel like you can’t ask me to help out when school gets intense. They are not required to ask permission to go places, just remember that others need the car, so check with others before taking it.

That sums up how we’ve approached college. So far so good 👍 We have one Magna Cum Laude graduate and he’s doing great and has a couple of minor loans. Working full time, but still wants a better job…a career not a job. It’s rough out there, but hasn’t it always been that way?
Click to expand...
Very good!
 
Xantippe said:
We have living at home for college as one of our options (we’re walking distance from a college) and while I haven’t actually lived through this yet, I’m penciling in that I would want college age kids home by 10 PM on school nights (maybe 11?) and midnight on Friday and Saturday night–with later times available by prior arrangement.
Click to expand...
This might be unrealistic. College life is often experienced late into the night. Study groups, club meetings, etc are done at a time schedule more suited to those living on campus. This was a surprise to us, but we adjusted. It was even more difficult as our kids work while going to school and have much less free time than those on campus.
Xantippe said:
Also, I would ideally like to have a mandatory savings program for adult children living at home, as (due to our circumstances) if they lived at home and went to the local college, there should not be any student loans.
Click to expand...
You should check out the prices of some universities. Granted, we chose a private, more expensive school so we were not able to pay cash for the tuition, even with scholarships. Perhaps if we did the state university, this might have been so.
 
lovemyjob said:
When our kids were full time college students, we backed off on the chores and such. We also asked them to let us know in a general way when they’d be home and when they’d be out. That’s just manners.

As long as they weren’t doing anything illegal or immoral, we gave them space to figure things out.
Click to expand...
This is basically what we did. My son did have a job besides going to school, (he worked in high school also), so he had his own junk car, paid the insurance and gas, usually did not eat meals here as he worked at a restaurant, and did his own clothes and kept his room. He also helped with tuition. Basically, he slept here and we did not charge him rent. He came and went as he pleased because he was basically pretty independent, but knew better than to bring girls home or trash the place.

After a year he decided to move into the fraternity house (which was an armpit of a house) and give up his nice clean room, etc. Then he got an apartment with friends, so he was basically on his own and continued to work and go to school and earned an associate degree. So he was basically on his own from the age of 19, and is a successful businessman today.
I think the fact that he loved to work and we didn’t put many demands on him and let him make his decisions and figure things out at a fairly young age helped him to be successful.
 
Xantippe said:
Adults living as guests with other adults should come and go at times that do not inconvenience or annoy their hosts.

We have living at home for college as one of our options (we’re walking distance from a college) and while I haven’t actually lived through this yet, I’m penciling in that I would want college age kids home by 10 PM on school nights (maybe 11?) and midnight on Friday and Saturday night–with later times available by prior arrangement.

But I definitely want to avoid a situation where the adult child acts either like a little kid, or like a boarder who just happens to share a house with strangers, and who comes and goes at all hours without talking to the other residents.

Also, I would ideally like to have a mandatory savings program for adult children living at home, as (due to our circumstances) if they lived at home and went to the local college, there should not be any student loans.
Click to expand...
I cant imagine telling a full time college kid that their curfew is ten and on weekends midnight. So, if you are lucky enough to go away to school then you are smart enough to figure out your own curfews, but if you are at a community college, you aren’t? When many daughter came home for the year between undergrad and law school, we sat down and just figured out how to live. The agreement was that if anyone in our household wad going to be out late or all night then a text or phone call is required. I also told her that I’m happy to pick up her up if she has had anything to drink so she wouldn’t be tempted to drive. It worked well for us.😉
 
Xantippe said:
I’m penciling in that I would want college age kids home by 10 PM on school nights (maybe 11?) and midnight on Friday and Saturday night–with later times available by prior arrangement.
Click to expand...
Good thing you used pencil.😉 10pm on weekdays is unrealistic. College kids stay up late and after a study group or time in the library, they might want to get a bite to eat out somewhere. 11-11:30 is better, or as you mentioned, prior arrangement with you on a case by case basis. 1am on Fridays and Saturdays is more reasonable, though the latest I allowed by special request was 2am.

Summer is a difficult time for college kids, they think every night is a Friday night. :rolleyes:

It all depends on your “child” and how responsible, respectful and dutiful to begin with they are. My daughter was never a problem, and home before she needed to be most of the time.

My younger son is in the service now, I can hardly tell him what time to come home when on leave even though he is under 21. 😃
 
MomaMary8 said:
This might be unrealistic. College life is often experienced late into the night. Study groups, club meetings, etc are done at a time schedule more suited to those living on campus. This was a surprise to us, but we adjusted. It was even more difficult as our kids work while going to school and have much less free time than those on campus.
You should check out the prices of some universities. Granted, we chose a private, more expensive school so we were not able to pay cash for the tuition, even with scholarships. Perhaps if we did the state university, this might have been so.
Click to expand...
My husband teaches at the college and he often walks to work from home. If our kids go to the same college and live at home, it won’t cost more than their private K-12 school for us (maybe even a little less). So, if they were able to work at all, they’d be able to save at least something.

Safety wise, I don’t feel that comfortable about my husband coming and going at those hours–we have occasional outbreaks of off-campus crime (muggings, break-ins, carjackings, and at least one attempt at grabbing and kidnapping a student jogger off the street), so post-midnight coming and going would not be my cup of tea. In my experience, the area immediately off campus can be very dicey. (Campus itself is much safer.)
 
kozlosap said:
I cant imagine telling a full time college kid that their curfew is ten and on weekends midnight. So, if you are lucky enough to go away to school then you are smart enough to figure out your own curfews, but if you are at a community college, you aren’t? When many daughter came home for the year between undergrad and law school, we sat down and just figured out how to live. The agreement was that if anyone in our household wad going to be out late or all night then a text or phone call is required. I also told her that I’m happy to pick up her up if she has had anything to drink so she wouldn’t be tempted to drive. It worked well for us.😉
Click to expand...
The 10 I’m willing to budge on. The midnight is pretty firm (except for special occasions). I just want to be able to lock up for the night before going to bed and know that the house is secured.

I’ve seen too many doors left open by my big kids and read too many college student burglary and rape stories involving unlocked doors to feel very happy about turning in for the night and just hoping that a kid who has had a long day and a long night remembers to lock up properly.

That’s outside my comfort zone.

I’ve been living around college students for nearly the last 20 years–I have a pretty good idea of the average college student’s level of life skills. And I don’t think that my kids are necessarily such special snowflakes that they will always lock up properly late at night.
 
Because of what I know about campus safety and where and when crime happens in our area, I would feel much more comfortable about a kid staying up until all hours on campus while living in a residence hall rather than going on and off campus at an earlier hour.

I once mapped a series of attacks while looking for an apartment for our family, and at least for that particular episode, the pattern was that the attacks occurred on the streets immediately off-campus. They weren’t happening either on campus or further away.

At a previous college my husband worked at, there was a street connecting campus to the local main drag, and there were so many robberies on that street.

Campus safety has been on my radar for a long time.

Come to think of it, I would encourage the OP to read the campus crime reports and see if any patterns emerge (time of day, location, method of attack).
 
I went to a “live in the library” type of school, and I studied a lot, but I was still home by 10pm most nights. Obviously many teens and young adults are night owls, but if we were getting together late, it wasn’t for studying. 😉

My experience isn’t everyone’s, but I never pulled an all nighter. Then again, I was a weirdo who scheduled all morning classes on purpose. Afternoons were for a brief nap then studying.

(Since I was an RA I did have to be home in the eveninga, though.)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top