To end or not to end a relationship

[runwaymodel]

Hello again, my wonderful CAF family.
I have a slight dilemma that has prevented me from sleeping for several weeks now. I do not know if this feeling I am experiencing is normal or if I should just follow my gut. As many of you know from my previous posts, I am currently with a man twice my age (but that isn’t the problem). We have been together for over a year and I care about him and respect him immensely as a person and a man for respecting me and being such a gentleman–when he has admitted that it is very hard but that I am worth it. He is perfect one paper: extremely wealthy, successful, established, respectful, caring, generous, loving, Catholic, etc. The problem is, lately I just cannot stand being around him. I am extremely independent and value my alone time and he wants to spend every second together. I am sorry, but I am a busy girl and travel a lot–sometimes I just want my own space, that doesn’t mean I love him any less. Example, I will go to the spa and he will call in exactly 2 hours and inquire 'where am I? He misses me already. Call me when you can, I’m getting worries, etc". This desperate neediness is extremely unattractive to me and it literally just makes me pull away from him–which I guess works against me because he wants to attach onto me more. He wants to speak on the phone everyday sometimes twice (when we are away traveling or he on business) and worries when we don’t talk for one day. Good Lord man, I am not going anywhere. He needs to calm down.

Maybe I am just being too finicky or over critical of him but I cannot stand when another person wants to be around eachother 24/7. I am very young but I have lived everywhere and accomplished all of my success on my own–I like having my space but it seems like he gets hurt emotionally when I want to say, talk a walk by myself, go shopping alone, have lunch with my friend without him, go to an event or premiere. I don’t see why. I would never give him a hard time, on the contrary, I love the fact that we have our own seperate lives and then can come together and discuss our day.

Its like he worships the ground I walk on–yes, I know there can be much worse things in the world, but to a girl like me who always gets people falling over her because she is a ‘model’ I want a little more realness from him. I don’t know…maybe I am just freaking out because I think about the future and being like this forever with a man who is very needy and it scares me. But on the other side: it would be a great future. I would never have to worry about anything financially (though I am quite successful myself). Looks don’t matter to me as long as a man can provide security, social status, we share the same values/morals, is close to his family. I know some people don’t think money is important and that you should “love” someone but I disagree. I want that security so I will sacrifice looks—there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t mean I will date any millionaire just because he has money. He has to have the other qualities I am looking for. There are many rich men out there and I will not settle for one simply because he has money, I must respect him. I cannot love where I do not respect. Love comes afterwards slowly. I’m sorry, I digress…

My question is, how do you know if you are making the right decision to move forward with someone? My biggest fear is making a mistake in regards to a potential spouse. I know we all have things that annoy us about the person we are with, but I keep having feelings that this relationship may not be the one…but how am I to know for sure and that its just not me getting a little bit skiddish?
But before anyone mentions the concern over our huge age gap (a little over 20 years), it is not that. What bothers me is how needy he is of me. Like he doesn’t want other people to notice me. He doesn’t like it when I go out by myself (he just voicing his concern but never does anything about it or appears irritated—like I said, its like he worships the ground I walk on and doesn’t want to say anything too abrasive to rock the boat. Annoying.) Maybe I am just being childish and bratty…

Your advice is always appreciated. I cherish it so much. Thank you in advance, my friends.

 

[Schieffelin]

Have you tried at all to get to the bottom of why he is so needy?

Maybe he has abandonment issues for some reason. Regardless of the reason, this is definitely something you two have to work out before getting married. I’d be totally turned off if someone was that clingy but it’s possible that it’s just a phase you can work through.

Individuals all have different attachment styles and needs–you have to come up with a compromise that works for both of you. Is he controlling of you or just needy? I think that’s an important distinction.

And not to be mean, but something about the way you listed your priorities for what you look for in a man struck me as odd. Please make sure you love this guy as much as he loves you and you’re not just sticking with him because he’s wealthy and stable.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Dear Runwaymodel,

Yes I remember your previous threads. I think this man is so flattered to be with you that yes, he is afraid of losing you. He knows he’s an old geezer compared to youthful and beautiful you. You would seem to have more of the power in the relationship, the power to leave him, the power to desert him. He is feeling insecure and is clutching. Funny how we females say we want a man to worship the ground we walk on, and then as soon as one does, we run away as fast as we can! (I don’t mean you specifically)

Since this seems to be a recent development, maybe you could talk to him about it. Ask him why he seems to be a little needy, wanting to be together all the time.

 

[nancymarie]

He is needy because he is so much older than you and insecure. He will only become moreso as he ages – or develops a chronic illness (this happens as we age).

Your feelings are telling you something. I hope you take note and take care.

It would be a kinder action to let this man go now. The age difference is a factor, and will only intensify through the years.

I hope I don’t sound harsh. I really empathize with both you and your gentleman friend. But it really is unfair to him to continue in a relationship when there is already alot of imbalance.

God Bless.

 

[runwaymodel]

Have you tried at all to get to the bottom of why he is so needy?

Maybe he has abandonment issues for some reason. Regardless of the reason, this is definitely something you two have to work out before getting married. I’d be totally turned off if someone was that clingy but it’s possible that it’s just a phase you can work through.

Individuals all have different attachment styles and needs–you have to come up with a compromise that works for both of you. Is he controlling of you or just needy? I think that’s an important distinction.

And not to be mean, but something about the way you listed your priorities for what you look for in a man struck me as odd. Please make sure you love this guy as much as he loves you and you’re not just sticking with him because he’s wealthy and stable.

Thank you
I get similiar inquiries like the one you mentioned in your last sentence. Yes, I do love him. He respects me and treats me so well but I do admit that it took me a little bit longer to let my wall down and let myself fall in love (but this is how I am, always have been). There’s always one person who will love the other just a tiny bit more, and I think he loves me more. That being said, I do not love him any less. I love him as much as my being can but people love differently. I am not a super emotional or affectionate person. I understand your concern about the wealth but trust me, before him I have dated many wealthy men before him but just because someone has money does not mean I will give them a second date. Not at all! If there is no chemistry then forget it.

Also, he is never controling—not at all. Just needy. He has this constant need to call me on the phone all the time or hold hands (even if we are just sitting down, watching TV), it is very annoying to me. He is worried when I travel and has concerns when I am on a plane around so many eyes so I should dress “low-key”. Things like that: I just do not understand his insecurity.
But yes I agree…I suppose we should talk about it some more. I honestly just wanted to end the relationship but another conversation would not hurt.

 

[runwaymodel]

Dear Runwaymodel,

Yes I remember your previous threads. I think this man is so flattered to be with you that yes, he is afraid of losing you. He knows he’s an old geezer compared to youthful and beautiful you. You would seem to have more of the power in the relationship, the power to leave him, the power to desert him. He is feeling insecure and is clutching. Funny how we females say we want a man to worship the ground we walk on, and then as soon as one does, we run away as fast as we can! (I don’t mean you specifically)

Since this seems to be a recent development, maybe you could talk to him about it. Ask him why he seems to be a little needy, wanting to be together all the time.

Hmm, yes that is all very true. I can definitely see how he would have the urge to cling more when he senses I am feeling unsure about the relationship.
I have asked him before and he simply says that he loves me and wants to be with me all the time. :banghead: <----Thats my reaction.
I truly hope I am not coming across as insensitive but I just cannot relate to that sort of dependency.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I say follow your gut feeling.

If he irritates you now, what will it be like when you are living together?

What looks good on paper is not necessarily what we need. Make sure you marry a real man, not someone who has good enough qualifications to be a husband.

Hope this helps. God bless.

 

[triumphguy]

You have the power. He doesn’t.
You like what he is, not necessarily who he is.
He likes what you are, not who you are.

Time to move on.

 

[runwaymodel]

You have the power. He doesn’t.
You like what he is, not necessarily who he is.
He likes what you are, not who you are.

Time to move on.

I definitely do not agree with you. You cannot say this man doesn’t like me for who I am and I for him: That we are simply using eachother. I recognize that there are people out there like that and those arrangements DO exist but I am not being intimate with this man, we do not live together, we go to Church as a couple–he is accepting and respecting my morals. If he did not like me for me he could have left to find someone else who could give him whatever he was seeking, this was not the case. I could say the same, I am approached and have been many times by wealthy men (look at where I live) who think women will fall at their feet because they are wealthy: that girl is not me. I despise men like that. I am looking for a long-term potential mate. Someone religious and who loves family like me.

But perhaps you are right about moving on…I am not certain about that one.

 

[triumphguy]

I must have misunderstood when you wrote:

He is perfect one paper: extremely wealthy, successful, established, respectful, caring, generous, loving, Catholic, etc. The problem is, lately I just cannot stand being around him.

I too was handsome, buff, charming, athletic, English accent, a lawyer when I was young. Women (and men) would pursue me.

It sickened me, and I left my life and joined a religious order for 6 years. Then I worked in prison ministry and then education. I finally found a woman with the same morals, goals and ideals as me (as well as being 5’10 and blonde!) We married. She is my life companion.

You will know when you meet that person.

I was poor, an had thrown away my career when I met my wife. We have struggled, have a child with serious disabilities, but we have a family - the most wonderful thing in the world. We have 3 kids and are trying for one more. My daughter is gorgeous, intelligent, gifted and most importantly caring and prayerful. My 6 year old is the best little boy in the world. My son with down syndrome continues to be a gift and a source of grace.

Good luck my prayers are with you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you
I get similiar inquiries like the one you mentioned in your last sentence. Yes, I do love him. He respects me and treats me so well but I do admit that it took me a little bit longer to let my wall down and let myself fall in love (but this is how I am, always have been). There’s always one person who will love the other just a tiny bit more, and I think he loves me more. That being said, I do not love him any less. I love him as much as my being can but people love differently. I am not a super emotional or affectionate person. I understand your concern about the wealth but trust me, before him I have dated many wealthy men before him but just because someone has money does not mean I will give them a second date. Not at all! If there is no chemistry then forget it.

Also, he is never controling—not at all. Just needy. He has this constant need to call me on the phone all the time or hold hands (even if we are just sitting down, watching TV), it is very annoying to me. He is worried when I travel and has concerns when I am on a plane around so many eyes so I should dress “low-key”. Things like that: I just do not understand his insecurity.
But yes I agree…I suppose we should talk about it some more. I honestly just wanted to end the relationship but another conversation would not hurt.

Wow. How would you do this? Just dump him? I would urge you to pray, and start having a conversation with him. As I recall, your last thread was a defense about how you could marry this man. Has he recently lost a parent, a friend, another relative to death? Because that happens as we get older, and that can make us rather fragile and insecure too.

 

[runwaymodel]

Wow. How would you do this? Just dump him? I would urge you to pray, and start having a conversation with him. As I recall, your last thread was a defense about how you could marry this man. Has he recently lost a parent, a friend, another relative to death? Because that happens as we get older, and that can make us rather fragile and insecure too.

Oh my Lord, he has actually. I never even considered that…

 

[Schieffelin]

Oh my Lord, he has actually. I never even considered that…

You never considered that? Seriously?

I’m having flashbacks to a previous boyfriend who broke up with me right after my dad died because I had been too “needy and emotional lately”. Apparently he didn’t quite connect the dots.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Oh my Lord, he has actually. I never even considered that…

Yeah, well, you are young.

Some young people lose a loved one to death, but when you are young, you just go on, it doesn’t hit you as hard. When the field in front of you starts to thin out, it gets a little scary.

 

[ValPal]

I’m probably about the same age as your boyfriend. A little life experience:

As people get older, they get more set in their ways. They are disinclined to change. It is reasonable to assume he will not change his behavior. Not only that, but his behavior is probably very good now because he is dating. Take his current behavior and expect it to be 10x worse when you marry.

Do I know people that have been in such relationships? Yes.

How many are divorced? Most of them.

I recommend proceeding very carefully.

 

[faithfully]

Hey Runway.

I’m just going to throw something out there. Now first of all, I want you to realize that I do believe that a relationship with such an age gap can be quite real and work.

That said… Regardless of your beauty and such. Is it possible this man went fishing in younger waters because women his age see right away this insane neediness? Perhaps he can’t be with a woman his age, not for lack of trying. You don’t describe him as shallow. I never gathered he was just after your looks. But I wonder if he was after a person inexperienced enough to match his maturity?

A woman his own age might find him incredibly immature?

I’m not saying this as a fact. I’m saying. You seem to be one smart cookie. And the fact he’s acting a wee paternal. Well… perhaps you’re now seeing what your older counter parts might have spied with more experience right off the bat?

Just something to consider. 'Cause in reality, I don’t have a clue.

If you want this to work out, you need to be upfront! I’m not interested in being parented and tracked down all day. I will tell you where I’m at, and that needs to be it.

Sometimes this works. Most often, it’s his insecurities that will (especially at his age) NEVER go away. You either get used to that or you don’t. How’s that sound for a lifetime ?

 

[GraceDK]

Hello again, my wonderful CAF family.
I have a slight dilemma that has prevented me from sleeping for several weeks now. I do not know if this feeling I am experiencing is normal or if I should just follow my gut. As many of you know from my previous posts, I am currently with a man twice my age (but that isn’t the problem). We have been together for over a year and I care about him and respect him immensely as a person and a man for respecting me and being such a gentleman

Do you love him?

–when he has admitted that it is very hard but that I am worth it. He is perfect one paper: extremely wealthy, successful, established, respectful, caring, generous, loving, Catholic, etc. The problem is, lately I just cannot stand being around him. I am extremely independent and value my alone time and he wants to spend every second together. I am sorry, but I am a busy girl and travel a lot–sometimes I just want my own space, that doesn’t mean I love him any less. Example, I will go to the spa and he will call in exactly 2 hours and inquire 'where am I? He misses me already. Call me when you can, I’m getting worries, etc". This desperate neediness is extremely unattractive to me and it literally just makes me pull away from him–which I guess works against me because he wants to attach onto me more. He wants to speak on the phone everyday sometimes twice (when we are away traveling or he on business) and worries when we don’t talk for one day. Good Lord man, I am not going anywhere. He needs to calm down.

This is normal for the in-love phase. It will pass away again… many women experience this… its normally reciprocal though. When then one of them starts to withdraw it might mean that eros is turning agape or it might mean that one is getting tired of the other… I think maybe you are not in love with this man… if I read you correctly?

Maybe I am just being too finicky or over critical of him but I cannot stand when another person wants to be around eachother 24/7. I am very young but I have lived everywhere and accomplished all of my success on my own–I like having my space but it seems like he gets hurt emotionally when I want to say, talk a walk by myself, go shopping alone, have lunch with my friend without him, go to an event or premiere. I don’t see why. I would never give him a hard time, on the contrary, I love the fact that we have our own seperate lives and then can come together and discuss our day.

You need to talk to him about that… people have different expectations. But again, being constantly together and touchy and all that it goes away naturally after some time.

Its like he worships the ground I walk on–yes, I know there can be much worse things in the world, but to a girl like me who always gets people falling over her because she is a ‘model’ I want a little more realness from him. I don’t know…maybe I am just freaking out because I think about the future and being like this forever with a man who is very needy and it scares me. But on the other side: it would be a great future. I would never have to worry about anything financially (though I am quite successful myself). Looks don’t matter to me as long as a man can provide security, social status, we share the same values/morals, is close to his family. I know some people don’t think money is important and that you should “love” someone but I disagree. I want that security so I will sacrifice looks—there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t mean I will date any millionaire just because he has money. He has to have the other qualities I am looking for. There are many rich men out there and I will not settle for one simply because he has money, I must respect him. I cannot love where I do not respect. Love comes afterwards slowly. I’m sorry, I digress…

I think you sound superficial. In one passage you have let us know that you are gorgeous looking and that you boyfriend is not but it doesn’t matter because he is rich.

My question is, how do you know if you are making the right decision to move forward with someone? My biggest fear is making a mistake in regards to a potential spouse. I know we all have things that annoy us about the person we are with, but I keep having feelings that this relationship may not be the one…but how am I to know for sure and that its just not me getting a little bit skiddish?

How long have you had this doubt? Are you courting now? Friendship is supposed to be a time of getting to know one another before making a comittment. The great uneasiness makes me say; take a break… The man deserves to be with someone who knows she loves him and is attracted to him, and who would love him even if he went bankrupt…

But before anyone mentions the concern over our huge age gap (a little over 20 years), it is not that. What bothers me is how needy he is of me. Like he doesn’t want other people to notice me. He doesn’t like it when I go out by myself (he just voicing his concern but never does anything about it or appears irritated—like I said, its like he worships the ground I walk on and doesn’t want to say anything too abrasive to rock the boat. Annoying.) Maybe I am just being childish and bratty…
Your advice is always appreciated. I cherish it so much. Thank you in advance, my friends.

**The man is in love. He is a bit jealous - which is a human emotion especially when one is not sure of the other’s affection - and you seem to be unwilling to make a commitment. He is far passed the age where he has time for a teenage relationship. Let him go and find someone who loves him and is in love with him. **

 

[runwaymodel]

Hey Runway.

I’m just going to throw something out there. Now first of all, I want you to realize that I do believe that a relationship with such an age gap can be quite real and work.

That said… Regardless of your beauty and such. Is it possible this man went fishing in younger waters because women his age see right away this insane neediness? Perhaps he can’t be with a woman his age, not for lack of trying. You don’t describe him as shallow. I never gathered he was just after your looks. But I wonder if he was after a person inexperienced enough to match his maturity?

A woman his own age might find him incredibly immature?

I’m not saying this as a fact. I’m saying. You seem to be one smart cookie. And the fact he’s acting a wee paternal. Well… perhaps you’re now seeing what your older counter parts might have spied with more experience right off the bat?

Just something to consider. 'Cause in reality, I don’t have a clue.

If you want this to work out, you need to be upfront! I’m not interested in being parented and tracked down all day. I will tell you where I’m at, and that needs to be it.

Sometimes this works. Most often, it’s his insecurities that will (especially at his age) NEVER go away. You either get used to that or you don’t. How’s that sound for a lifetime ?

My Grandparents had a larger age gap than this so I know it can work. But you do make some good points. I am actually the youngest person he has ever been with and was hesitant to even talk to me because of this, but was glad he did. Maybe because I am too young that I cannot pick up on sublte characteristics or attributes from people. Now that I really think about it, he was kind of like this the whole time but as of late it has escalated.

I have told him before that I do not like when he makes inquiries about when I am going to return, what I’m wearing, how long will I be gone, etc. It does make me feel like a child when he is constantly trying to track me. But aside from the desperate neediness and attachment, he is a wonderful man. I just don’t know if it is worth trying to correct that problem anymore because, as someone mentioned before, older people are usually already set in their ways and cannot/will not change.

 

[runwaymodel]

Do you love him?

This is normal for the in-love phase. It will pass away again… many women experience this… its normally reciprocal though. When then one of them starts to withdraw it might mean that eros is turning agape or it might mean that one is getting tired of the other… I think maybe you are not in love with this man… if I read you correctly?

You need to talk to him about that… people have different expectations. But again, being constantly together and touchy and all that it goes away naturally after some time.

I think you sound superficial. In one passage you have let us know that you are gorgeous looking and that you boyfriend is not but it doesn’t matter because he is rich.

How long have you had this doubt? Are you courting now? Friendship is supposed to be a time of getting to know one another before making a comittment. The great uneasiness makes me say; take a break… The man deserves to be with someone who knows she loves him and is attracted to him, and who would love him even if he went bankrupt…

The man is in love. He is a bit jealous - which is a human emotion especially when one is not sure of the other’s affection - and you seem to be unwilling to make a commitment. He is far passed the age where he has time for a teenage relationship. Let him go and find someone who loves him and is in love with him.

Do I love him? Yes I honestly believe I do. In the past I have dated people who I have been more physically attracted to, but that doesn’t equal love. Infatuation is not love either. We have a connection and feel very comfortable with each other. It is very hard to explain. But yes, I have huge respect for this man and the love came after that (I am just being honest) because where I live and the people I’ve seen, someone respectable is hard to come by these days.

I am not a girl who gets overly emotional. I have built myself over the years to have control of my emotions and I feel life is easier this way. So just because I do not miss him the way he misses me, or express my love openly like he does, does not indicate that I do not care/love as much as my being can. So my problem is yes, I am in love with this man—but I am shocked at myself that I cannot tolerate how insecure he can be when he has no control over where I am, what I where, who I am around, etc. I cannot picture living myself forever with that annoyance, but then again, maybe I am not trying hard enough? I do not know…

Yes GraceDK, I have admitted before that I can be superficial and materialistic (I do live in Los Angeles) and that I am working on it. I however, would never use anyone to get something that I can acquire myself. I am not like those girls who wants everything handed to her. I worked hard to get where I am at so yes, I buy nice things and cars but it is with the money I earned, not by some man who tries to buy me off.

We have been together for about a year and a half so I don’t believe we are at the courting stage anymore. I have had these feelings for many weeks now–several weeks–however, I have been trying to assess my emotions and have conversations about it with him and just feel it out. But I do think you are right. Maybe we do need a break. He is honestly such a great man and he does deserve someone who will love him with all her heart, even if its not me. I will never be as affecionate as he wants. He and I have talked about it, and I have definitely tried but I am not a clingy person: I think he wants that. But perhaps you are right with that last statement. Maybe it is time to let go…

 

[petitfleur]

I’m probably about the same age as your boyfriend. A little life experience:

As people get older, they get more set in their ways. They are disinclined to change. It is reasonable to assume he will not change his behavior. Not only that, but his behavior is probably very good now because he is dating. Take his current behavior and expect it to be 10x worse when you marry.

Do I know people that have been in such relationships? Yes.

How many are divorced? Most of them.

I recommend proceeding very carefully.

This is what I was thinking. I feel like you need to proceed with caution. Not saying dump him now!!! But earlier in the relationship you might not of noticed his neediness so much, becuase you were ‘twitterpated’ but now it’s annoying.
I also caution against finding excuses for this kind of behavior. People I know in either abusive of controlling relationships often make excuses for their behavior, which never changes, and there is always another reason why.
Just some concerns and things to think about. Please note the 10 x worse once your married comment.