To Grill or Not To Grill...a husband

  • Thread starter Thread starter Michylandia
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

Michylandia

Guest
As a newlywed, I feel influenced by -female- friends and family members who “grill” their husbands very often.

They ‘grill’ them by making comments about how disgusting their back-hair is, or how they have to nag and nag about them helping with the dishes, and when they finally do, they have to re-do them again because the glasses were cloudy. And sometimes they do that to their faces…in front of people.

I understand that we need to let out some steam, but as a newly wed I can’t help but wonder: should I do it? how far can I go with it?
 
Michylandia said:
As a newlywed, I feel influenced by -female- friends and family members who “grill” their husbands very often.

They ‘grill’ them by making comments about how disgusting their back-hair is, or how they have to nag and nag about them helping with the dishes, and when they finally do, they have to re-do them again because the glasses were cloudy. And sometimes they do that to their faces…in front of people.

I understand that we need to let out some steam, but as a newly wed I can’t help but wonder: should I do it? how far can I go with it?
Click to expand...
Nagging isn’t a good idea for a marriage at any point. You can discuss concerns with your DH without nagging…and without doing it in front of other people. 👍
 
Heya, i am not married yet, but at the tender age of 19 i still have this to look forward to! I would think about this situation like this…grab a mirror and look into it, then say to yourelf what you envisage yourself saying to your husband…think about how that makes you feel!does it make you feel good, affirmed, apreciated? or does it make you feel inadequate, stupid, guilty? i am sure you will quickly realise that grilling is not the answer!!!

so what is? well, you could always try saying ‘‘you know what honey, i really appreciate it when you do the dshes’’ or when he has done something thank him and make a point of saying how much he has helped you. try and use positive affirmation instead of putting him down, since he is more likely to respond well to the positive over a bunch of negatives such as ‘‘why the heck didn’t you do this…stupid man!’’ (not that i would think you would say that to him but you see what i am getting at!)

hope this helps,

God bless you!
 
lottied said:
Heya, i am not married yet, but at the tender age of 19 i still have this to look forward to! I would think about this situation like this…grab a mirror and look into it, then say to yourelf what you envisage yourself saying to your husband…think about how that makes you feel!does it make you feel good, affirmed, apreciated? or does it make you feel inadequate, stupid, guilty? i am sure you will quickly realise that grilling is not the answer!!!

so what is? well, you could always try saying ‘‘you know what honey, i really appreciate it when you do the dshes’’ or when he has done something thank him and make a point of saying how much he has helped you. try and use positive affirmation instead of putting him down, since he is more likely to respond well to the positive over a bunch of negatives such as ‘‘why the heck didn’t you do this…stupid man!’’ (not that i would think you would say that to him but you see what i am getting at!)

hope this helps,

God bless you!
Click to expand...
Very good! Exactly what I was thinking. Ditto! 👍 There is no need to “grill.” Communication without “grilling” or nagging is key.
 
I am a newlywed as well! Congrats 😃

I was reading an Elizabeth George book, A Wife After God’s Own Heart, a few weeks before I got married. She spent a lot of time discussing this topic.

Here is what I learned: pray before you nag.

My husband has a terrible habit of leaving dishes on the counter and not putting them in the dishwasher. Everytime I see one out I want to cringe. However, I just take a few minutes to pray, realize it isn’t a big deal, and put it in the dishwasher myself.

Remember all of the good things your husband does! Nathan vaccuums, dusts, walks the dog, makes breakfast. I also smile when I think to myself that there are plenty of things I do that I am sure drive him crazy, but he never says anything!

I just try to pray about things for a day or two before I bring them up! Often I end up not saying anything! Honestly, I usually forget about it within 24 hours, and I realize that there are so many great things that his inability to open the dishwaster is so minute!

There is so much more to life than picking on each other 🙂
 
Not sure why you would even want to do this to your new husband? Does not sound like a good recipe to start your life together. “Grilling” as you put it was left out of the marriage vows for a reason, no? It is not made of love.

Respect your husband and encourage him at home if he is helping out.

Nagging is not a good way to get your husband to help out.
 
Why would do WANT to do this to your husband? Think about it… would you WANT him to make comments about how your body is gross, nag you to do something, and then do it again himself because he doesn’t think you did it well enough?

How is it you are married and yet do not know how inappropriate and wrong it is, not only to say cruel and hurtful things to your spouse, but to have the “loophole mentality” of, “How much can I get away with?” Did you not JUST take vows to love, honor, and CHERISH?!

The Golden Rule applies to everything…
 
duskyjewel said:
Why would do WANT to do this to your husband? Think about it… would you WANT him to make comments about how your body is gross, nag you to do something, and then do it again himself because he doesn’t think you did it well enough?

How is it you are married and yet do not know how inappropriate and wrong it is, not only to say cruel and hurtful things to your spouse, but to have the “loophole mentality” of, “How much can I get away with?” Did you not JUST take vows to love, honor, and CHERISH?!

The Golden Rule applies to everything…
Click to expand...
right on - I think we posted at the same time with the same sentiments.
 
jrabs, yeah, you and I are on the same page. It never ceases to amaze me how mundane, everyday, and acceptable emotional abuse of men, in particular husbands, has become!

Now, my DH and I tease each other, but we deeply love and respect each other and the jokes are understood on both sides and said in good fun and affection.
 
Let me add:

Nagging is never a good idea. I find that we communicate best when we share some laughter.

For instance last night is the perfect example:
Me: “I really do not want to go camping this weekend.”
Nate: “I know, but it is really important that we make the trip to see my parents. I won’t see them again until next year.” (He doesn’t know that I am planning a surprise trip for his birthday in November…shhhh)
Me: “Well, I know it is important to you, and therefore it is important to me! However, if I get eaten alive by mosquitoes I want you to know I love you! Take care of my pets!”

We both laughed and hugged after that! Yet, I made my point that I don’t enjoy camping, and he explained further why it was important to him. There was no whining at all…or me nagging him to change our plans!
 
duskyjewel said:
jrabs, yeah, you and I are on the same page. It never ceases to amaze me how mundane, everyday, and acceptable emotional abuse of men, in particular husbands, has become!

Now, my DH and I tease each other, but we deeply love and respect each other and the jokes are understood on both sides and said in good fun and affection.
Click to expand...
ahhhh tooo true. Very sad.
I have found that my husband response amazingly when he is respected, thanked, appreciated by me. Thanks for emptying the dishwasher, honey. Thanks for taking out the garbage, honey. Thanks for bringing down the dirty laundry. Just those little thanks seem to go a long way!

He is also very appreciative when I let things slide off me and “roll with it”.
 
I may have misunderstood the OP but I got the impression that she also was asking about joining in on the “husband bashing” that can start when groups of women get together. I had a hard time getting away from people that thought that was all you were to talk about when I first got married. I just didn’t have anything to complain about my husband was and still is my hero.
You may find yourself just not wanting to be around the women that enjoy this type of conversation and finding new friends.
 
Yeah… you really wanna get your man to do stuff for you? Make love to him every chance you get, and then be as sweet as honey when you ask him to do stuff. Bat your eyes while you’re asking. No guy in his right mind will say no!

Praise, ego-building-up, gratitude, and just plain love are the ways to treat your husband.
 
C2K2 said:
I may have misunderstood the OP but I got the impression that she also was asking about joining in on the “husband bashing” that can start when groups of women get together. I had a hard time getting away from people that thought that was all you were to talk about when I first got married. I just didn’t have anything to complain about my husband was and still is my hero.
You may find yourself just not wanting to be around the women that enjoy this type of conversation and finding new friends.
Click to expand...
You’re right, now that I re-read it. Golden Rule still applies. Would you want the man who claims to love you bashing you behind your back with his buddies?
 
recipe for marital happiness: never, but never, dis your spouse, esp. in front of friends, and most esp. in front of relatives, when he is present, or even worse, behind his back. never make jokes at his expense or tell amusing anecdotes that expose his personality quirks or failings. If you are having marital problems, talk to a professional, a counsellor a pastor, but not to a friend or relative.

recipe for marital disaster: disobey the above advice. you may stay together, but you will have created a rift of distrust that may never be bridged.

it is an old fashioned word called loyalty

how to get DH to help around the house: show him, don’t tell him, and ask him to do the chore with you so he learns how (men do not have an inborn logic that tells them, hey, glasses go near the sink where you get water, dishes go closest to the table, where you set them etc). NONE of them know what that drawer under the oven is for. be patient, but never critical. When he does something unexpected, no matter how poorly, simply thank him and show your appreciation. ONce you start nagging and criticizing you will never get his help again, at least not with that particular job. And DON’T walk around after him “fixing” what he has done.
 
Well, as a newly-wed husband (for the last 23 years!!!), I can tell you that I have NEVER grilled or bashed my wife with anyone. If I am upset with something, I talk to her about it. In private.

My wife is a nurse who works in an OB/GYN office and she is surrounded by women who spend a large part of their day bashing their husbands/boyfriends. She has commented on numerous occasions that that is the only part of her job that she really doesn’t like.

Peace

Tim
 
puzzleannie said:
how to get DH to help around the house: show him, don’t tell him, and ask him to do the chore with you so he learns how (men do not have an inborn logic that tells them, hey, glasses go near the sink where you get water, dishes go closest to the table, where you set them etc).
Click to expand...
There is a logic to that?:whistle:

Peace

Tim
 
C2K2 said:
I may have misunderstood the OP but I got the impression that she also was asking about joining in on the “husband bashing” that can start when groups of women get together. I had a hard time getting away from people that thought that was all you were to talk about when I first got married. I just didn’t have anything to complain about my husband was and still is my hero.
You may find yourself just not wanting to be around the women that enjoy this type of conversation and finding new friends.
Click to expand...
I have encountered women that start bashing their husbands or husbands in general and I just stay quiet to not contribute to the conversation and then decide that I will avoid these kids of women. If for some reason you cannot avoid them, for example if they are family members, then just keep quiet and do not contribute.
I do not enjoy when women bash husbands. It makes me so uncomfortable to hear them talk that way about their husbands! I think it is wrong!! OP, do not go along with it. Just stay quiet when you are around them. You wouldn’t want your dh to do this behind your back. The women on here are giving awesome advice!
 
I appreciate the advise. And with all due respect, if you read the first post, I’ve never said that I personally have grilled my husband. I’m very aware of my vows, and when I’m overwhelmed by things (his or someone/something else), I pray, count to ten…whatever it takes to not to address a situation in anger.

I’ve been married 6 months, and so far we have treated each other with love and kindness and respect, but definitely marriage, like a beautiful garden, requires love, work, self-giving and patience, among other things.

I posted the question because a lot of people (women) I know do it, I guess due a combination of work-related and financial-related stress with not loosing those pounds no matter what they do…I don’t know. The fact is that lots of women do it, and I’m pretty sure you know someone like that (I’ve seen them doing that at hair salons, supermarkets, ammusement parks, even at Home Depot once fcol!) and sure makes me wonder: Have I really NOT done it? And if I had (not intentionally of course, I’m very much in love with my DH) should I keep doing it? and how much is too much? When a momentary frustration becomes a threat to the very foundation of a marriage?

I mean, if I don’t address to this issue now (that is completely new to me because i’ve never been married before) and make myself aware of ‘the influence’, when?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top