To have a child or not to have a child

[Convert_in_99]

Is it just me or does there seem to be a major NFP hostility theme going on in this thread? :ehh:

 

[PolarGuy]

I’d wait. We did, and never regretted it.

The silliness of suggesting that OPs choice is between, say, serving God or buying a flashy car is just that: silliness, and bespeaks no understanding of what parents deal with. How many posters know what a set of braces for children’s teeth cost? How about a furnace for a home? (Mine died today; thankfully we have $5k sitting around. Why? Because we didn’t buy the silliness that God would just magically give us $5k; we saved and we both work full time too). My job just announced a 14% hike as of 1/1/16 in our health care plan. Eyeglasses cost $250 at Walmart.

OP seems to have the right attitude - but this board is FULL of posters who are desperate because they got married young; had a job loss; had a handful of kids and mom is stressed homeschooling them all and they have zero way to provide for their families. That could be OP in about 10 years. Food for thought. Being catholic need not equal being daily stressed over finances, let alone being really poor.

Call me cynical. Believe me, posters on this board have called me a lot worse. God provides…but make hay when the sun shines too, and a few months waiting - while adjusting to just being married - hardly seems like a terrible thing, particularly as OP is right out of school.

My 2 cents. And PS: $300 per month will vanish when mom is at home and a child arrives. I’ve seen that as a former bankruptcy attorney who has seen a million young couples overspend early on in their marriages, let alone as a dad.

 

[EasterJoy]

You don’t say how old you are. I have had a friend who wondered out loud if she and her husband did not err too much on the side of security in deciding when to avoid pregnancy. This is a question I hope you will answer as best as you can and then resolve to remember was what seemed to you to be the best at the time, regardless of what happens. You’ll have enough real problems in your life without second-guessing things you cannot un-do.

Based on women I know in science, the chances are that your wife will want to return to work. (There is also the question of whether her work presents any hazard to a fetus, but usually the occupational health and safety rules that make that far less likely than in the past.) Part of answering this question will lie in the research you do with regards to the availability and cost of whatever child care you might decide you need. She may not want to return to work, but she might, you want to keep yourselves flexible for the good of your family, so do your research with that option in mind. I know at least one woman who planned to teach who had twins, and realized that between the cost of child care not penciling out and how much she enjoyed her children, did not go back to work right away, after all. Others believe they want to stay home, but realize that their children would be better off if they worked outside the home–the woman I am thinking of taught the first woman’s children in school. In other words, please be willing to re-visit your original guesses as you go forward. You can’t undo the past, but you can change a course when you find the going isn’t yielding the results you expected it might.

I’d say that if you are over 25, you probably ought to err on the side of courage. You are at the height of your fertility, but it will begin to ebb before you know it. The years do fly by, and how fast a couple will achieve pregnancy is not predictable!

Expect to discern all of these questions on an on-going basis, though. Don’t feel you can’t speak up with each other as time goes by. The main thing is to be on the same page about what is and is not a sufficiently serious reason to avoid starting your family. Decide this together, and keep deciding it together. The Church recognizes that the particulars of this question ought to be left up to your discernment just exactly because that is what you will always ideally do.

 

[Xantippe]

I’d wait. We did, and never regretted it.

The silliness of suggesting that OPs choice is between, say, serving God or buying a flashy car is just that: silliness, and bespeaks no understanding of what parents deal with. How many posters know what a set of braces for children’s teeth cost? How about a furnace for a home? (Mine died today; thankfully we have $5k sitting around. Why? Because we didn’t buy the silliness that God would just magically give us $5k; we saved and we both work full time too). My job just announced a 14% hike as of 1/1/16 in our health care plan. Eyeglasses cost $250 at Walmart.

OP seems to have the right attitude - but this board is FULL of posters who are desperate because they got married young; had a job loss; had a handful of kids and mom is stressed homeschooling them all and they have zero way to provide for their families. That could be OP in about 10 years. Food for thought. Being catholic need not equal being daily stressed over finances, let alone being really poor.

Call me cynical. Believe me, posters on this board have called me a lot worse. God provides…but make hay when the sun shines too, and a few months waiting - while adjusting to just being married - hardly seems like a terrible thing, particularly as OP is right out of school.

My 2 cents. And PS: $300 per month will vanish when mom is at home and a child arrives. I’ve seen that as a former bankruptcy attorney who has seen a million young couples overspend early on in their marriages, let alone as a dad.

Yes.

1. We were a lot poorer than the OP and his wife early on, but it was 4 years between our wedding and the birth of our first child, and I don’t regret that either. We had a really nice time as graduate student newlyweds.
2. Also, as I may have mentioned earlier in this thread, we followed the usual advice and started trying for a baby as soon as my husband got his first real job offer (we’d previously had a total combined household income of around $24k split more or less evenly between the two of us). Had we started any earlier, we would have had half the income and been on public assistance or had a baby in daycare or been relying on family subsidy, any of which would have made me die of shame at the time.

Even with that substantial delay, the effect of following the standard have-kids-figure-it-out-later advice, especially living in an expensive area, was to put us financially behind the 8 ball for some time. As I mentioned, it took us 15 years of marriage and three kids before we were able to buy our first home, even with substantial family help.

1. I totally agree with regard to not understanding what exactly makes having children and a home expensive. Hint: it’s not nice furniture and matching bimmers. Have child psychologically evaluated–$600. Fall therapy bill–$700. Replace built-in microwave–$200. Replace toilet–$200. Replace another toilet–$200. Downstairs 1/2 flooded–$1500. ER bill–$700. ER bill–$1500.
2. You’re right that there are a lot of stressed out young families on the forum. And all you need to go from being carefree DINKs to a stressed out, financially strapped young family is 2-5 years. And you don’t even need to marry young to have that happen to you.
3. I totally agree about the inadequacy of the $300. I was an overspending new mom myself and it’s unfortunately an occupational disease of the new SAHM. It’s HARD to wrap one’s mind around the fact that one is suddenly much poorer than one used to be, but the sooner one realizes it, the better.

 

[pensmama87]

One financial practice that might be useful to try out is to take a look at your current spending and figure out how you might increase that $300 surplus, and then try doing it for a while before you “have to.” So if you go out to eat a lot, cut one restaurant visit. If you and/or your wife get haircuts or manicures, lengthen the time between trips. If you don’t already, check out discount grocery stores and see how the quality and price compare to what you currently buy. Or set up a price book and learn “stock up” prices for regular non-perishable items you purchase. Learn about free or cheap entertainment in your area (you’d be surprised!)

You could also check out for sale or trade groups online to get a sense of cost for secondhand baby items. You can get just about everything almost new; the only thing I would recommend getting brand new is a car seat.

IMO before having kids is a good time to do this, but for a lot of us we don’t see the need until after.

 

[alphawoman]

I’d wait. We did, and never regretted it.

The silliness of suggesting that OPs choice is between, say, serving God or buying a flashy car is just that: silliness, and bespeaks no understanding of what parents deal with. How many posters know what a set of braces for children’s teeth cost? How about a furnace for a home? (Mine died today; thankfully we have $5k sitting around. Why? Because we didn’t buy the silliness that God would just magically give us $5k; we saved and we both work full time too). My job just announced a 14% hike as of 1/1/16 in our health care plan. Eyeglasses cost $250 at Walmart.

OP seems to have the right attitude - but this board is FULL of posters who are desperate because they got married young; had a job loss; had a handful of kids and mom is stressed homeschooling them all and they have zero way to provide for their families. That could be OP in about 10 years. Food for thought. Being catholic need not equal being daily stressed over finances, let alone being really poor.

Call me cynical. Believe me, posters on this board have called me a lot worse. God provides…but make hay when the sun shines too, and a few months waiting - while adjusting to just being married - hardly seems like a terrible thing, particularly as OP is right out of school.

My 2 cents. And PS: $300 per month will vanish when mom is at home and a child arrives. I’ve seen that as a former bankruptcy attorney who has seen a million young couples overspend early on in their marriages, let alone as a dad.

Right on! We need to trust in God, but Catholics aren’t providentialists. To suggest (as some up thread have) that considering long-term financial plans is somehow morally wrong is bizarre and unfounded. We are called to responsible stewardship of the resources we are entrusted, and that includes management of our talents and lives both as potential parents and as individuals.

 

[MomaMary8]

No, the $180,000 house will not cut it. You should probably wait until you can purchase a $400,000 house. That would be much better for raising a large Catholic family. But do not take on unnecessary debt to do it. You should wait until you can pay cash for the entire thing. And don’t skimp on the furniture - if you purchase quality, it will pay for itself in time. That too, you will want to purchase with cash. Don’t fall back into debt!

Then you have to consider the cars. They are paid off now, but do you have the savings for their replacements? You have to figure that you will want a couple of decent vehicles, but remain in conformity with our moral responsibility to the environment. But get something you will enjoy - after all, next to your home, your car will be your biggest asset. Figure $43,000 each for a pair of BMW i3 electric cars. Moral, responsible, and stylish. You can’t go wrong there.

Now, let’s say you are planning on 8 children. Of course, you will want to send them to the finest schools. Don’t skimp on their education! Figure roughly $50,000 per year each at a decent university, that’s $200,000 per child or $1,600,000 to put all eight through their undergraduate years. You might want to put aside a little extra for graduate schools. Everyone else’s kid will also have a BS/BA so they will need that little edge to remain competitive.

You might want to wait just a little while more until you have put aside a little nest egg to cover these incidental expenses.

Or, if you view children as gifts from God that are more priceless than any Earthly treasure, you could simply trust in God’s grace and welcome new life into your family.

Whatever works for you.

I found this quite funny!

Is it just me or does there seem to be a major NFP hostility theme going on in this thread? :ehh:

No. It’s Just you. There are two different ways of approaching this and some get defensive about their choices

We started in abject poverty, bought our first house when baby #2 was on the way. One has since graduated from a private Catholic University (very little debt) and our second is in a nice Catholic college, living out her celibate vocation. Baby #11 is on the way and I have no plans on retiring. Financially we are are fine, better than many. We never regretted letting God lead us in our family plans.

Pray to God, seek a spiritual director. A spiritual director will be of more benefit than any financial advisor could ever be. The SD will help you when your cross appears…and it will.

 

[Xantippe]

One financial practice that might be useful to try out is to take a look at your current spending and figure out how you might increase that $300 surplus, and then try doing it for a while before you “have to.” So if you go out to eat a lot, cut one restaurant visit. If you and/or your wife get haircuts or manicures, lengthen the time between trips. If you don’t already, check out discount grocery stores and see how the quality and price compare to what you currently buy. Or set up a price book and learn “stock up” prices for regular non-perishable items you purchase. Learn about free or cheap entertainment in your area (you’d be surprised!)

You could also check out for sale or trade groups online to get a sense of cost for secondhand baby items. You can get just about everything almost new; the only thing I would recommend getting brand new is a car seat.

IMO before having kids is a good time to do this, but for a lot of us we don’t see the need until after.

Right.

It will be way easier to start now.

 

[Xantippe]

We started in abject poverty, bought our first house when baby #2 was on the way. One has since graduated from a private Catholic University (very little debt) and our second is in a nice Catholic college, living out her celibate vocation. Baby #11 is on the way and I have no plans on retiring. Financially we are are fine, better than many. We never regretted letting God lead us in our family plans.

And yet there are many on this forum with 0-5 kids that are actually struggling and in need. You can see their posts every week.

Are they doing it wrong?

 

[MomaMary8]

And yet there are many on this forum with 0-5 kids that are actually struggling and in need. You can see their posts every week.

Are they doing it wrong?

Xantippe, I suggested no suggested no such thing. Your post is remarkabley uncharitable in your assumptions. Please review what I have posted. Please quote where I suggest they “are doing it wrong.” In fact I told the poster his cross would come. Did you read that?

Your attacks are beyond called for. I’ll pray for you.

 

[Walking_Home]

alphawoman:

PolarGuy:

I’d wait. We did, and never regretted it.

The silliness of suggesting that OPs choice is between, say, serving God or buying a flashy car is just that: silliness, and bespeaks no understanding of what parents deal with. How many posters know what a set of braces for children’s teeth cost? How about a furnace for a home? (Mine died today; thankfully we have $5k sitting around. Why? Because we didn’t buy the silliness that God would just magically give us $5k; we saved and we both work full time too). My job just announced a 14% hike as of 1/1/16 in our health care plan. Eyeglasses cost $250 at Walmart.

OP seems to have the right attitude - but this board is FULL of posters who are desperate because they got married young; had a job loss; had a handful of kids and mom is stressed homeschooling them all and they have zero way to provide for their families. That could be OP in about 10 years. Food for thought. Being catholic need not equal being daily stressed over finances, let alone being really poor.

Call me cynical. Believe me, posters on this board have called me a lot worse. God provides…but make hay when the sun shines too, and a few months waiting - while adjusting to just being married - hardly seems like a terrible thing, particularly as OP is right out of school.

My 2 cents. And PS: $300 per month will vanish when mom is at home and a child arrives. I’ve seen that as a former bankruptcy attorney who has seen a million young couples overspend early on in their marriages, let alone as a dad.

Right on! We need to trust in God, but Catholics aren’t providentialists. To suggest (as some up thread have) that considering long-term financial plans is somehow morally wrong is bizarre and unfounded. We are called to responsible stewardship of the resources we are entrusted, and that includes management of our talents and lives both as potential parents and as individuals.

---

Ditto.

 

[kptrs]

Honestly…with all due respect, if you really want my opinion, you made a very big mistake by coming on an Internet forum to ask for advice on this topic. It’s between you, your spouse, and God.

 

[fencersmother]

I cannot believe for one moment that on my deathbed I will lament: “Oh Lord! why didn’t we wait until my husband finished his graduate degree to have Johnny! We’d have been such a happier family. Please, take him back.”

Have the child, struggle, and be grateful. Can you imagine the people living in Christ’s time who wanted to put off a child until they could afford a bigger donkey?

 

[Xantippe]

No. It’s Just you. There are two different ways of approaching this and some get defensive about their choices

We started in abject poverty, bought our first house when baby #2 was on the way. One has since graduated from a private Catholic University (very little debt) and our second is in a nice Catholic college, living out her celibate vocation. Baby #11 is on the way and I have no plans on retiring. Financially we are are fine, better than many. We never regretted letting God lead us in our family plans.

I think that that advice has to be combined with a lot of practical fine print stuff or the couple will wind up in the sort of mess that Polar Guy has encountered doing bankruptcy work.

When my husband and I were starting out, we got the just-start-having-kids-everything-will-be-fine message loud and clear and believed it. We had our first baby the summer after my husband got his first post-school job. It was in the big city, and our rent far out in the suburbs was $1560 a month. As I recall, when I was attempting (very ineptly at the time) to do budgets, after paying that gargantuan rent we had $800 to feed two adults and a baby, pay for subway commuting, utilities, baby stuff, and do everything else. Poor innocents that we were at the time, we didn’t realize that that we were in awful trouble. It was hard to realize at the time because our income had nearly doubled so we felt “rich”–problem was, our rent had nearly tripled. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I couldn’t make it work. All the people in the CCL magazine with their 4-6 kids were doing JUST FINE.

At the time, I had no one around to yell at me, “Hey, Xantippe, you’re broke!” or “Hey, Xantippe, you can’t afford that apartment! And frankly, you can’t afford this area at all!!” or “Hey, Xantippe! You just lost $300 a week in income and added an extra human being to your household–of course you’re having trouble making it work!” or “Hey, Xantippe! Credit cards aren’t magic!” But at the time, I was totally mystified.

We eventually got a rent-free living situation for four years in DC (thank you, Jesus!), had another baby, lived it up, and I continued to muddle with finances. (At my worst point, I was spending $500 a month more than my husband was bringing in–oops!) It was only toward the end of that time that (thanks to listening to Dave Ramsey), the fog started to clear and I started to understand the concept of a “budget” and “living within your means” and “saving” and “paying off debt” and “downpayment.” Around that point, I started doing a little househunting and discovered that the so-so houses in a so-so neighborhood that had been $200k when we arrived in DC were now $400k…So we left. Once off the East Coast, we got on a real budget (a new one every single month), spent the next 6 years paying off all of our debts, paying for therapy and important extras for an autistic child, saving an emergency fund, having a new baby, saving a downpayment, and then finally buying our very first house. When you have a growing family, doing that stuff is like swimming in cold molasses. As I’ve mentioned a couple times, it took 15 years from when we married to when we bought our first home.

So, what was the point of that long story? As the demotivator says, “It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.” A few life lessons:

1. Expensive areas are expensive.
2. Budgets are important–you need a new one every month because every month is different.
3. It’s not more holy to not think about money or how you’re going to pay for stuff. Sometimes it’s selfishness, laziness and carelessness. (That was me from approximately 1998-2006/7.)
4. When you have a special needs child, some stuff that is a frill for other people will be a necessity for you. (Example: the summer between kindergarten and first grade, my autistic child had a huge social regression, leading to a nightmare of a first grade year. Ever since then, I’ve made a point of keeping her as busy and social as possible during the summer, which has involved spending A LOT on summer camps.)

I believe we need to be a lot more honest and detailed with idealistic young Catholic couples as to what they are getting into and what sort of lifestyle to expect. One of my callings is that I want to eventually lead Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University at our college chaplaincy, because it’s so much easier the earlier you start doing the right thing and youthful mistakes can take a long, long time to fix once you have children.

 

[Lorelei12]

This isn’t something any of us can answer for you, but I am sure you know that. All we can do is offer personal experiences.

My husband and I married in our late twenties, and used NFP for a couple of years before having a baby. This was for both financial and medical reasons. Financially, I had a lot of school debt to pay off (over $50,000) and we both had jobs, so we decided it would be best for us to try to pay as much of that off as we could. We did very well, and have under $10,000 left, but did not wait until it was gone because I was in my early thirties and we did not want to risk waiting much longer. If you are both younger, this may not be a concern for you. We do not own a home, but I worked through the duration of my pregnancy and we saved up enough for a decent down-payment on a very modest home and will start looking soon. Our area is very expensive so we will not be able to afford the kind of home we’d like, but it’s enough to get us into something and we are tired of pouring money into rent.

I do not think it is a bad idea to save up a bit for a house first, especially if you are young. The rent around here is astronomical and it’s a difficult situation to be in when you are dumping money away and also lack the stability of your own home. (Though there is something to be said for the increased flexibility of renting when you have a young baby.) Personally, had we been younger I think we would have probably tried to get ourselves into a house first, but we weren’t and now we have our son and wouldn’t trade him for the world.

It’s something to pray and talk about with each other, but there’s no “right” answer for you. It’s wise to plan ahead and make sure that your family will be taken care of, especially right out of college. A few people mentioned getting started in your careers, and (especially for your wife, if she plans to be a SAHM for awhile) I think that is important. I know that for me, it was important to know that I could take care of my kids if anything ever happened to my husband. I am confident that I could do that.

However, there are plenty of couples who start their families younger and there is something to be said for that too. More energy, for one. If we’d had our baby a few years ago I am sure I wouldn’t be so exhausted all the time now. More opportunity for a large family, if that is what you are called to and desire. Starting a family young works wonderfully for some families, and ends up being a hardship for some. Only the two of you can make the best evaluation based on who you are and what you think is best.

It’s unfair of some of the posters here who equate prudential financial planning with being selfish and mistrustful of God.

 

[PhiloMed]

I cannot believe for one moment that on my deathbed I will lament: “Oh Lord! why didn’t we wait until my husband finished his graduate degree to have Johnny! We’d have been such a happier family. Please, take him back.”

Have the child, struggle, and be grateful. Can you imagine the people living in Christ’s time who wanted to put off a child until they could afford a bigger donkey?

Not all people struggle in the same way. Some will have the child, then a few more. They will live on beans and rice and figure out how to fix the roof without a contractor. They will grow their own vegetables, buy second hand clothes and then when all their kids are grown they will reflect on those happy times when they had nothing but each other.

And some people find the financial stressors lead to a miserable marriage and divorce.

Those are obviously on two very different ends of the spectrum but I suspect those who have a go with God gives attitude are more aligned with the first came and those who question their financial readiness for a child fear falling into the second. We all have a different tolerance level for stress and I think someone who is raising the question in the first place is more likely to worry about finances.

 

[PaulinVA]

Go, be fruitful and multiply.
God did not say Go, be successful and wait until you have everything settled and clear before you have a baby.

Come on, stop being so worldly and selfish.

Trust in the Lord!

The beauty of the family is all worth the while.

Well, no one has responded to your rude comment yet, so I will.

First, God did not tell the OP to be fruitful and multiply. He said that to Adam and Eve, because there was no one else. Please do not take everything that God said to everyone over all time and apply it to every other person on the planet.

Secondly, Trust in the Lord for what? Success? That it will all work out? That your life will be unicorns and rainbows? There are many people who “Trust in the Lord” and have pretty hard lives. We trust God for our salvation, not for riches or children or whatever.

Lastly, yes, for some people family is beautiful and worth it. For others, family is a never-ending struggle of heartache and disappointments.

The OP asked a thoughtful question and deserves a thoughtful answer. My take on it? If delaying pregnancy a few months would set a family up for success later, then take those few months. Some people can operate much better with a financial cushion - I wouldn’t tell them to start reproducing like rabbits just - because.

 

[lax16]

It took me a year to get pregnant after we were married. We were living in a very modest home, I borrowed maternity clothes from a neighbor and we sold one of our cars. I continued to work on weekends to pay for groceries.

We kept things very simple when our oldest three were little. Those were the happiest of times, in all honesty.

We’ve added private school, electronic devices (mandated by the high school), summer camps, ACT tutors, out-of-state college visits, etc and I wish we had just kept it simple.

My older kids are not at all high maintenance, but the youngest is expecting everything! I truly wish we had raised her in the very modest way we raised the others.

Bottom line - sometimes babies don’t come right away and when you give children lots of stuff, you are in for a lifetime of giving them lots of stuff

 

[Kelfa28]

I think it’s weird that anyone would come on an Internet forum and ask this question.

You’ll get responses all over the map.

My opinion is that it is both wise to plan out finances to be prepared for anything but I also don’t think anyone should enter a marriage without being ready for kids right away. You could easily mess up your grand plans with an unexpected pregnancy.

My husband and I are basically examples of being providential without intending to be providential.

We got pregnant, unexpectedly, before we got married.
We both had great careers and were already very good with our finances.

We got married without debt except for a mortgage. I became a SAHM and casually started working to finish my degree.

Then, all of a sudden, my husband was laid off after we had our second baby.
He found another job and was laid off again.

He got the message and figured out a way to collect and finish his degree. I got accepted into my dream program when he graduated and promptly found out I was pregnant a third time.

We kept going, hubby found another well paying job but a series of things began to happen over the summer after we had our baby that completely crippled us financially.

We would have easily lost the house if we weren’t so careful in the beginning of our marriage and had saved and lived frugally even with both of us working well paying jobs.

In all truth and seriousness…hubby and I are broken and it’s going to take several years to come back from the hit we just took.
We simple can’t absorb another one though…there is nothing left to cushion us for another blow. It’s all gone until we can rebuild that cushion back.

Nether of us can take another hit. So we are struggling to keep our sanity and out faith in tact.

We’ve managed to survive and welcomed a new addition to our family at the worst possible time and she is truly a rainbow in the midst of such a storm.

You can do it…you can leave it up to God and trust in his wisdom and he has provided for us. We are examples of God’s gift.

Most families would probably implode if they had gone through all that we have been through these past four years.

So, does God provide?
Yes.

Do you need to be wise about life, marriage and plan for your future too?
Yes.

Take these two statements and figure it out on your own.

 

[Xantippe]

It took me a year to get pregnant after we were married. We were living in a very modest home, I borrowed maternity clothes from a neighbor and we sold one of our cars. I continued to work on weekends to pay for groceries.

We kept things very simple when our oldest three were little. Those were the happiest of times, in all honesty.

We’ve added private school, electronic devices (mandated by the high school), summer camps, ACT tutors, out-of-state college visits, etc and I wish we had just kept it simple.

My older kids are not at all high maintenance, but the youngest is expecting everything! I truly wish we had raised her in the very modest way we raised the others.

Bottom line - sometimes babies don’t come right away and when you give children lots of stuff, you are in for a lifetime of giving them lots of stuff

I think it is possible to split the difference–or at least I hope it is!

When I was a newish mom, I did it in the opposite direction. We were continually buying stuff for the kids–toys, craft supplies, whatever. Round about the time my oldest was 5 or 6 and I was getting into Dave Ramsey, I got sick and tired of the way she was wasting construction paper, coloring books (color three pages and discard), tape (wad scotch tape up into balls, ask for more), etc. I also got sick and tired of the continual panhandling from the kids at gift shops and the grocery store. At that point, I decided that the free ride was over–the kids were going to start buying their own craft supplies and toys (except for Christmas and birthdays) and they could get one $2-3 item each at the grocery store.

At the same time, I started creating money-making opportunities for the kids in addition to the birthday and Christmas checks they get from grandparents. They could clean their rooms and the living room or do a page of workbook (25 cents each per 100% correct Kumon page) and get paid. It’s been years since we started that program, and it’s had miraculous results. The kids are no longer gimme-gimme fiends in stores. If they want something, they can earn the money and buy it with their own money, and they understand that perfectly. If they aren’t willing to do that, they don’t really want it that bad. My oldest is just starting to save (she’s a spender like her mommy), but her younger brother already has substantial savings for a 10-year-old. (There is a bit of an art form in deciding how much to pay, though, and I know a lot of families have moral concerns with regard to paying kids for stuff they feel the kids ought to be doing anyway. We have so far dealt with this by having two different categories of chores–the mandatory “free” ones and the usually optional paid ones.)

We continue to pay for the stuff we want for them–private school, therapy, camps, classes, music lessons, sheet music, etc. (There is some sneakiness with regard to the camps and classes–our oldest has done a lot of home ec type stuff there, which our family has benefited from a lot.)

As the big kids (13 and 10) have gotten bigger, we’re able to be more and more ambitious as to what kind of projects we can pay them for. This summer, for instance, our smudgy windows in the kitchen and playroom were starting to drive me nuts. We bid the job out to our kids for $15 each and my husband set them up with supplies and a little help here and there. They did a fine job. Next summer, I’d like to do the same thing with regard to heavy cleaning.

I also have a friend/neighbor who has been able to employ the kids to assemble IKEA stuff for her ($5 each, as I recall) and do some mothers’ helpering ($5 an hour). In a couple years, my oldest will be able to be a full-fledged babysitter for my friend and make the big bucks. Even now, my oldest has also started doing some music lessons with the neighbor boy for $4 per half hour.

We maintain “savings accounts” for the kids and we’ve decided that we as the bank will give them 3% interest every year to encourage them.

Aside from the character-building aspect of child labor, the kids actually do have some upcoming expenses to save for. My 10-year-old son is already saving seriously for his first car. My 13-year-old daughter is excited about the senior trip to Rome. We have already warned the kids not to expect us to pay for either of those things, given upcoming college expenses.

Dave Ramsey’s book Smart Money, Smart Kids has a lot of good ideas for dealing with kids and money.