To stop loving Mohammed

[GraceDK]

Dear CAF-sisters and brothers.

To my joy and amazement I saw how a lady who was tempted to commit adultery was talked into her senses here on the board and I enjoyed reading that thread so much.

I think I need some peptalk too because I am fantazising.
Long story short, some months ago I met a guy who is not the right one for me… everything points in the opposite direction.

He is not a Christian, he is anti-religious
Our communication is not good.
he is not dedicated to chastity.
He of course have a lot of great qualities and I am so attratced to him… but…
… basically there are one big line of red blinking lights and I know that its all my emotions that are making things so hard.

I am not anywhere near him now, and I just want to hear from you all why I definately need to focus on finding a nice, calm Christian man and let this other thing rest…
I am such a melancholic day dreamer… and am afraid that while missing M I might overlook somebody who was the right man for me.

Lonely Grace :bighanky:

Funny… but this guy I could both see my self growing old with… he is super interesting and cool… and at the same time I could see my self messing up my whole life and all my plans if I stayed with him like he wanted me to…

 

[chevalier]

Grace, I can only offer you cold hard logic here. The fact that we’re “supposed” to give up some super-cool religiously incompatible people doesn’t mean we need to give them up for super-non-cool religiously compatible people. We basically need to hold out for the super-cool religiously compatible people, which takes time. And it also takes patience and it hurts. But when it’s done, the prize is whooping.

Will it be of any help if I say I have a similar thing on my plate? There’s that girl who worked with me for three months in the first law firm I worked for. She’s so pretty you can barely take eyes off her, but not even as in staring, more like when you have a work of art in an empty room. She showed me some heart when we walked there, we talked quite a bit and whatnot, I even walked her to the train quite often a bit as if it meant something, except she had a boyfriend, so it wasn’t supposed to mean anything romantic. She looked me up nearly a year after on some classmates service (we never went to any school together, but anyway), we met up by accident on a dating service on also on Facebook about the same time. Some flirting was going on you could say. And she’s Catholic. To what extent she takes it I don’t know, but she at least fills it where needed while some people don’t. However, one day, she posted the link to a video clip that seemed to come from a band apparently using a name that referred to God in a way that didn’t sit well with me. Now I have block and can’t think of making any moves on her. This said, there are and have been other things giving me hints maybe she isn’t for me. Maybe there are some with Mohammed. Sometimes you know some people aren’t for you. Even if you say you can see themselves growing old with them. I guess I could say that too about someone or two, but it mostly has to do with how long I have known them as friends. So even this thing isn’t really a perfect indicator.

 

[Marycruz]

Grace, whoa, I’ve been through almost exactly the same story as you. With a guy who had almost the same name

So he was not Catholic, and didn’t really follow his religion either, definitely not preoccupied by chastity, and we also had communication problems (we didn’t want the same things from the relationships but we never expressed it the right way). However, I was very lonely when I met him and thought I would “make it work”.

Just like you, I could picture us growing old together, because he was very funny, we had great conversations, a similar sense of humor, etc. But the thing is, I was blinded. He is not the only guy out there with a good sense of humour and who can have good conversations with me. Sadly I took me a while to realize this, but now I’ve learned my lesson.

You should really try to find someone who shares the same values as you, because that’s what matters in the end when you look through the “charming” part. Going out with this guy could also make you do things you might regret (trust me) because, unlike a guy who would be dedicated to chastity like you, he won’t be there to help you resist temptation, instead he will take advantage of the first sign of weakness from you.

Also, he is anti-religion? That’s a really bad sign. It might have a bad effect on your faith and your love of God.

I think the fact that you are posting this shows that you already knew that something was wrong, but just really need to hear it from someone esle.

Trust me, you will probably regret getting involved with M when there are already so much STOP! signs at the beginning of the relationship…Instead, keep your eyes open for the good guys out there. Be patient, there is one for you!

Be strong. I will be praying for you.

Marycruz

 

[Trishie]

Grace I have to go out but if you go with this guy, lovely as he may e it’ll only get harder, not easier. Will be praying for you. I know, loneliness isn’t fun, but not a good enough reason ti create cause for later complicated regrets. With love, Trishie.
Life’s a long time to be married in a divided faith situation

 

[kage_ar]

Remember these four words:

LOVE IS A CHOICE

Write it down, look at it often - heck, write it on your hand!

Everytime your emotions get the best of you, remember - you choose.

Pray for him one last time, leave him in God’s hands.

 

[Mintaka]

Maybe he needs to figure out whether he loves you enough. If he did, he would be changing for your sake and trying to be more worthy of you.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, and a lot of them would be better for you than this guy. I will pray for you.

 

[GraceDK]

Thanks everyone…
I know everything… I am just in pain… It seems I am using my adult life to be heart broken… I left Mohammed and the whole situation exactly because I felt prey to my own loneliness, his charm and humour and his very generous affection and attention… how many stupid situations a stupid girl can get herself into because she craves being loved!
Oh and if he did love me enough to fight for me then the situation would be very different… thats partly why it hurts. He was not really willing to try working on the deeper issues. I think I could have helped change his life for the better and we could have been together and blessed each other but he was so stubborn… and I loved that stubborness in many other areas.
Do you think some girls are just attracted only to difficult guys?
I mean, not guys that treat them badly, use them or cheat them. But guys who have a strong will, are stubborn, jealous and …cool? sometimes I think that maybe a good believing man does not have the passion to put me in my right place… I dont know how to explain it. Maybe the right balance between a touch, considerate and virtuous man does not exist …

Marycruz… I know exactly what you are talking about unfortunately… This guy tempted me so much I even thought that he might be a tool of the devil with his manipulation and unwillingness to understand that he was hurting me. I know its a terrible thing to say but…

Chevalier… Can you explain more about your situation if you dont mind. I find it interesting.
I felt kind of struck by your words… I was precisely listening to a song with a great beat but a questionable text, .
You gave up on a woman who might otherwise in every respect be a good and decent person because of a song on her face book? Dont you think your standards are higher than they should be, brother?.. I mean, can you yourself handle being measured on your every action to that extent?
Maybe I misunderstood you… I also did not get the part where you said she already has a bf. But she does not anymore? Also… this sentence you wrote: “And she’s Catholic. To what extent she takes it I don’t know, but she at least fills it where needed while some people don’t.” Where do you mean, “where its needed”?

Mohammed is not exactly running after me after I told him I was leaving and not coming back… So you all need not worry about me. I am just heart broken…
I do wonder if I am doomed to walk this life alone and not have my longings fulfilled.
Someone once said he was tired of “jaded girls”… I think … jaded girl… that might be me although I am not sure what jaded means.

:sad_bye: but hey… maybe I ought to stop complaining… until I get some real problem…

 

[blue_skies_1]

Awww, Grace, your post really reminds me of some of my own frustrating experiences in relationships… I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely, and heartbroken, I know that’s really not fun. You describe yourself as a bit of a ‘melancholic daydreamer’… which also sounds a lot like me! All I can say is it’s important at times like this not to let that past of yourself take over… the last thing you need to do is sit at home brooding at the moment… I recommend spending some time with good friends… and even trying to have some fun. Also, are there any concrete steps you could make towards meeting a good (and attractive) Catholic man? E.g. joining some kind of Catholic singles group which does different activities together. Actually, you’ve already taken a fantastic step by ending this relationship & moving on… that was so strong of you!!

There definitely is someone out there for you who will just ‘fit’… you’re just feeling discouraged at the moment, but there really is… don’t worry :hug1:

 

[GraceDK]

Awww, Grace, your post really reminds me of some of my own frustrating experiences in relationships… I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely, and heartbroken, I know that’s really not fun. You describe yourself as a bit of a ‘melancholic daydreamer’… which also sounds a lot like me! All I can say is it’s important at times like this not to let that past of yourself take over… the last thing you need to do is sit at home brooding at the moment… I recommend spending some time with good friends… and even trying to have some fun. Also, are there any concrete steps you could make towards meeting a good (and attractive) Catholic man? E.g. joining some kind of Catholic singles group which does different activities together. Actually, you’ve already taken a fantastic step by ending this relationship & moving on… that was so strong of you!!

There definitely is someone out there for you who will just ‘fit’… you’re just feeling discouraged at the moment, but there really is… don’t worry :hug1:

Hey sister or brother…
I like your name… Blue Skies… hmm… reminds me of “Patch Adams”… Mohammed told me he cried when Carin died in the movie…
But saying that does not make any sense to you if you did not watch it.
I am 26 and seem to be attracted to the wrong guys… and wrong guys is all I see all around me. Maybe I should just… take a bite out of a difficult adventure and knock at Mohammeds door… but NO, he is not fighting for me!.. I feel like such a looser
I have no real chances of meeting a Catholic guy where I am. I will be lucky if I find an Evangelical one… Even if mr. right knocks on my door, I am very picky…
Anyway, I’ll start working soon and that will get me off my butt and I know I will feel alot better when I dont have so much time to think…
And I have to not listen to some stupid songs by James Blunt… thats an advice for everyone… No sad love songs… they dont do anyone any good.

Arrgghh… I miss him…! I just want him to get his act together and come spend the rest of his life with me!

Grace
:blackeye:

 

[chevalier]

Grace, what can I tell you about the first part? I can only smile and nod. And as for your question, yes, I do believe many women are attracted to difficult men. You mentioned stubbornness. I would say women are both attracted and pushed off by it, much like men react to being stood up and talked back to.

And now for what you refer to me, I’m sorry for stealing so much attention, as it seems. I was deliberately being obscure.

To keep it short, she had had a bf when we worked together, but it ended before she looked me up on the Internet. This isn’t really a question of standards or judgement. I will be the first to say that a small thing doesn’t merit a big penalty, but sometimes, in the romantic area, small things can be signs of rather big incompatibilities. The song contained most probably an irreverent use of a divine name in the name of either the song or the band. I wouldn’t dare to make any moral conclusions out of this one fact, but as far as compatibility is concerned, I think it’s an important clue if merely because of the way it made me feel and the likelihood of there being more things that I would found disagreeable. Such things generally have a dead fish effect on me when it comes to dating.

This doesn’t mean the possibility is permanently closed or anything like that, but from open until closed it’s switched to closed until opened. I would need to be convinced to open a dating prospect, rather than being open to it and needing to be convinced to close it.

I had similar inhibitions when, talking to a dear acquaintance from when we were both 18 and oh-so-much-more-sparkly, I heard she didn’t agree with the Church on things, from which it seemed it was an independence choice. That was very likely a sign of progress from simply a less informed position, a sign of a critical mind that could be put to great use. A position similar to the one I once held myself. But as I was relatively fresh after being broken up with by an agnostic fallen-away Catholic girl I much cared for, I took it as a red flag not as to the value of the person, but as to the prospects between her and me. There are just some things I wouldn’t like to have to deal with.

This has nothing to do with the value of respective persons, which in many cases probably far exceeds my own, for all the faults I have. It may seem hypocritical that I know I have my own problems of which the gravity is rather higher, but at the same time I see a problem in living with someone else’s perhaps smaller thoughts, but this is a compatibility issue. Morality doesn’t translate to compatibility that well.

You know, after all, one could be an ascetic person giving up bathing as a means of mortification. For instance. We could admire the person, but we couldn’t stand being in the same room for too long a time.

Now I’m not saying you should adopt a similar attitude to my own, but some situations call for choices. I’m a lawyer, so reconstructing chains of causes and results comes rather natural and easy to me. I do not shy away from making a conclusion based on a small piece of data as long as the inference is valid. On top of that, I catch fast and my intuition has sometimes been better than my deduction.

So, I see small things, I see connections between them and I see what else they could be connected with. I abstain from judging because that is not enough for judgement and a person’s moral state or “worth” is not my business and as far as I go, I wish that it were the highest. But I make a fast date-or-not-date call on sometimes small signs which could seem shocking to people.

One thing to bear in mind when this touches on compatibility and matters of the romantic life, any little thing that doesn’t sit well with you must be multiplied by 20, 30, 40, 50 years of daily coexistence. In this light, even tooth-brushing habits suddenly acquire importance.

So some of my “quick” inferences may seem cruel, but in the long run they are possibly similar to the break-up that was better than a possible difforce after several years into marriage. Or a life of having to put with a lot.

But we’re talking about you, not about my dating habits.

It is perfectly normal that you are heartbroken. We always are if we lose someone we care for and especially so, I guess, if we need to give that person up ourselves. You felt you had to give Mohammed up because that relationship wouldn’t help you get to heaven. This concern outweighed all others. It doesn’t mean the others were not important and it’s natural that you feel the loss of them. However, it is correctly the most important thing and you made your choice basing on it. Consequences of doing the right thing or what we see as the right thing can be rather painful. But that is part of the charm of the right thing (in jaded speak), or perhaps a trial that accompanies the moral choices that we need to make (a more Christian outlook perhaps). Doing the right thing is not easy. Everyone would be doing the right thing if it were easy or convenient.

As for jaded, I don’t think you are. When someone said he was tired of jaded girls, he probably meant he was tired of girls who were unable to be happy, who expected every good thing to be short-lasted, who looked for a bad thing in everything that was good, who had made up their mind about men as a whole, who expected nothing good from men and so on. That kind of attitude can indeed be tiring. However, I don’t really see it in you, even now.

As for ending up alone in your life, I don’t think that. However, looking in the right places and rethinking your preferences might help. Love doesn’t choose, but if we reflect on what’s important for us, on our values, well, needs, expectations, it affects the choices we make and even who we are attracted to (in any sense more than merely physical, and even that one sometimes).

 

[chevalier]

You want a guy who is charming, who has the charisma to impress you and to put you in the right place, as you name it. Someone who who has a sense of humour, who is generous and who doesn’t dwell on small things. Someone who will be there, have affection for you and give you attention (and spontaneously so, I mean, not as in he has to). …Not a guy who is not a believer, not interested in religion, not dedicated to chastity, with whom communication is difficult.

While you know these two things are not connected, it’s important to “internalise” this, i.e. realise it, embrace it and fully accept it. Must avoid getting conditioned to see these two sets of qualities as interrelated.

A processed concoction of what you need is then a guy who:

• is Catholic
• is religious and not “anti”
• is dedicated to chastity
• is communicable
• is charming
• is generous
• has a sense of humour
• has the force of personality you seek
• affectionate and attentive to you (preferably in general, too)

Put it all together and you have your guy. Now separate it from a set of qualities as in a checklist to tick boxes on (which can be helpful but is limiting) and get the hang of what kind of person you would be looking for - or what kind of person you would see yourself becoming romantically involved with. After that, don’t stray from the way. If something is missing from your list (after all), consider carefully that prospect and realise that it’s easy to give up on your needs and expectations and even values when you are attracted to someone. Attraction can quite rob you of a dream. Do not let it.

As for, “that guy doesn’t exist,” that isn’t true. It may be difficult to find one, but it’s better to put up a good fight for a good reward than a mediocre fight for a mediocre fight. And remember that your obstacles are minute attractions to men who do not meet your criteria, who are not a likely part of your dream. Sticking to your dreams is a difficult thing to do, but this is what all the successful people who have had a good influence on the world have done. The Nobel winner, the writer, the successful businessman, the politician who effected a change for the better, they all stood by their dreams and they didn’t settle for less. They probably had many opportunities. The guy who created that great business probably had the option to run a side-of-the-road one. The Nobel winner could probably have taken a less demanding reasonably intellectual job, the musical genius could have contented himself with being a hobbyist, the car racer could have been fine with morning jogging… You get the idea. None of the little things were bad, but all those people simply didn’t lose the big thing from their sight.

Admittedly, some contented themselves with little and were rewarded. The Lord told us to be faithful in small things so He could put us in charge of big ones, we are at every step exhorted to humility. There are thousands of saints who are not known by name and who have had a quiet life. But a common theme everywhere is some form of perseverance. And those who did the little thing did it as best they could.

Okay, enough before I start liking the sound of my voice.

 

[chevalier]

Arrgghh… I miss him…! I just want him to get his act together and come spend the rest of his life with me!

Grace, that would be get his act together, convert for the sake of you, embrace chastity for the sake of you, spend his life with you. That is a whole lot for getting his act together and I don’t think all of it qualifies for such a simple denominator. A while ago, you said it was you who didn’t want to stay with him. I know feelings are not logical and it’s a good thing you express yours, but consider this. Also, women shouldn’t really expect men to come back fighting after being parted with. That is not quite logical, either. Firstly, you either want the guy or you don’t. You want him, you keep him. You don’t want him, you don’t keep him. Secondly, if you don’t want him, his fighting is not relevant. This precisely because you don’t want him (in the sense of a conscious choice), so it is not relevant any more whether he wants you or whether he will fight for you. You are no longer in a relationship.

Now I really am in danger of starting to like my voice.

 

[GraceDK]

Grace, that would be get his act together, convert for the sake of you, embrace chastity for the sake of you, spend his life with you. That is a whole lot for getting his act together and I don’t think all of it qualifies for such a simple denominator. A while ago, you said it was you who didn’t want to stay with him. I know feelings are not logical and it’s a good thing you express yours, but consider this. Also, women shouldn’t really expect men to come back fighting after being parted with. That is not quite logical, either. Firstly, you either want the guy or you don’t. You want him, you keep him. You don’t want him, you don’t keep him. Secondly, if you don’t want him, his fighting is not relevant. This precisely because you don’t want him (in the sense of a conscious choice), so it is not relevant any more whether he wants you or whether he will fight for you. You are no longer in a relationship.

Now I really am in danger of starting to like my voice.

Dear me… Chevalier… you just go on and on… hehe… thanks for taking time to elaborate on all that.
I agree with quite almost everything you said exept for the few times where you lost me due to your choice of extravagant words unknown to this foreigner.
The last post… was to the mark.
But you see … its exactly not so simple. You know what? I left Mohammed but I was honest with him… I wanted him but I could not have him if he did not show the least sign of willingness to understand my universe. I understood him… I listened to him, went with him to places and people that were in his universe… and he wanted that but gave nothing in return. I wanted him to read but one gospel of the New Testament not so that he would agree but so that he would understand, I wanted him to be able to apologise when he wronged me, I wanted him to share his burdens with me instead of walking around with silence and not thinking I could handle hearing about his life, I wanted him to stop tempting me because I told him that by doing so he was hurting me, I wanted him to show just a few signs of willingness to understand. To want to understand… to communicate about things of deep importance without him taking over the scene and blocking all dialog. But he refused to give any of these concrete signs of love…
I wanted him because of so many good qualities… I even for the fist time thought of potentially marrying a man who is a non-believer… But a relationship takes two people. Not one.
So I wanted him but I left him.
You say “stick to your dream” and I agree with you… but which dreams are too big?
I pray that God would open his eyes, heal his mental, spiritual and physical illnesses and even, if its His will, prepare Mohammed as a groom for me.
Thats dreaming… daydreaming… its not logical… But I pray all the same.
The kind of perseverence that my emotions represented were plain foolish. I love him because I simpy do… Thats what I felt with Mohammed… but the hope is the last to die.

Thank you once more for your comfort and encouragement Chevalier. You are always kind and nonjugeging (somebody please teach me to spell that word)

Grace

 

[chevalier]

Grace, you know what you’ve just done? You’ve just given a number of reasons other than religious difference for leaving him. And you’ve vindicated your decision. Mohammed would have to do quite a lot of manning up to be ready to marry you and that would require a good lot of change. God can do that, but God respects free will and it would be good neither for Mohammed nor for you if he were simply compelled. He needs to answer the call and maybe he will in some time. But our prayers for God to make a specific person a good groom or bride for us are a desperate cry and in the end we now things don’t happen that way. As you say, a relationship takes two people.

 

[blue_skies_1]

One thing to bear in mind when this touches on compatibility and matters of the romantic life, any little thing that doesn’t sit well with you must be multiplied by 20, 30, 40, 50 years of daily coexistence. In this light, even tooth-brushing habits suddenly acquire importance.

Chevalier, I hope you don’t mind me saying this but from some of your comments it seems like you might be falling into a bit of a romantic ‘trap’ of waiting for Miss Completely Perfect to come along… when she just doesn’t exist! People’s little annoying habits can grate, that’s true , but that’s what teaches us the virtue of tolerance…
I really don’t know what your actual behaviour is so forgive me if this is ‘off base’… but maybe try not to be such a perfectionist! Even girls who aren’t completely in line with Church teachings, but are on some issues, can often be ‘brought round’ if they meet a really good, well-informed Catholic guy… seriously, I think men have such a massive influence, for bad or good, on the women who care about them, so maybe don’t be too quick to dismiss someone over this, without giving it a chance It would be a shame for such a great guy to end up alone!

 

[blue_skies_1]

Dear me… Chevalier… you just go on and on… hehe… thanks for taking time to elaborate on all that.
I agree with quite almost everything you said exept for the few times where you lost me due to your choice of extravagant words unknown to this foreigner.
The last post… was to the mark.
But you see … its exactly not so simple. You know what? I left Mohammed but I was honest with him… I wanted him but I could not have him if he did not show the least sign of willingness to understand my universe. I understood him… I listened to him, went with him to places and people that were in his universe… and he wanted that but gave nothing in return. I wanted him to read but one gospel of the New Testament not so that he would agree but so that he would understand, I wanted him to be able to apologise when he wronged me, I wanted him to share his burdens with me instead of walking around with silence and not thinking I could handle hearing about his life, I wanted him to stop tempting me because I told him that by doing so he was hurting me, I wanted him to show just a few signs of willingness to understand. To want to understand… to communicate about things of deep importance without him taking over the scene and blocking all dialog. **But he refused to give any of these concrete signs of love… **I wanted him because of so many good qualities… I even for the fist time thought of potentially marrying a man who is a non-believer… But a relationship takes two people. Not one.
So I wanted him but I left him.
You say “stick to your dream” and I agree with you… but which dreams are too big?
I pray that God would open his eyes, heal his mental, spiritual and physical illnesses and even, if its His will, prepare Mohammed as a groom for me.
Thats dreaming… daydreaming… its not logical… But I pray all the same.
The kind of perseverence that my emotions represented were plain foolish. I love him because I simpy do… Thats what I felt with Mohammed… but the hope is the last to die.

Thank you once more for your comfort and encouragement Chevalier. You are always kind and nonjugeging (somebody please teach me to spell that word)

Grace

I agree with what Chevalier said in his last post… you’ve just given good reasons, other than faith, for not sticking with this man…
As you said yourself, he refused to give these concrete signs of love, of wanting to understand you, to meet half-way, and that can’t be ignored. I know this is going over what has been said before… but it seems to me you really did make the right decision.
I think a lot of women *are * often attracted to difficult/stubborn types of men and I would say that maybe it’s because they’re looking for strength… and those two can be closely linked. But in the case of someone like Mohammed (maybe? I don’t know him), or someone who’s generally somewhat immature that ‘strength’ just becomes a problem - overbearing, obstinate, inconsiderate, a closed mind, even disrespectful for example. The thing is though, there really are good Catholic men out there who have this quality of ‘strength’ and aren’t pushovers and I really think you should keep looking Do everything you can to find one - maybe join a Catholic dating site? It can’t hurt can it I mean I don’t know if you will end up with a Catholic man but I just think you shouldn’t give up easily… give yourself the best possible chance by looking as actively as you can! It may not be that there are many Catholics at all in your area, but you do only need to find one (one that you could love that is).

That’s my advice, anyway… I know it can be so discouraging but God always looks out for us, things will work out!!

(by the way in answer to your question… I’m a girl! )

Good luck! And no listening to James Blunt… especially ‘you’re beautiful’

 

[blue_skies_1]

Plan for Grace to find a good Catholic man

• Do your very best not to get hung up on Mohammed or in any way ‘live in the past’… just remember those good reasons you had for breaking up and try to be at peace with it (this stage may take a little while, but really try and be strong with yourself)
• Think carefully about the crucial attributes in a man for you (including his faith… see Chevalier’s list in an earlier post )… this will help you narrow down your search and recognise ‘your man’ when you meet him! (although some things may need adjustments)
• Have a good think about all the possible places you could meet a good Catholic man… really be creative and don’t forget to ask any Catholic friends you have if they know someone who could be good for you, also don’t neglect the internet (i.e. a dating site) as it opens up so many more potential meetings between people. Ave maria singles is supposed to be good.
• Recognise that you may have to try doing the long-distance thing and even, eventually, think of moving elsewhere for your sweetheart, when it gets to that stage (obviously this needs to be in the context of your own life and what would work for you)
• Do as many of those things as you can over the next period of time (i.e. for meeting new, hopefully Catholic, men), and just generally ‘get out there’, even if it’s just going out dancing or something else ‘secular’, you never know who you could meet (and it’s good for you to have fun!)
• Make sure that you do keep searching until you find the right man (i.e. don’t hang around too long with anyone you’ve worked out isn’t right for you)
• Pray about this every day and ask God for specifically the kind of man you want (also ask St Raphael the Archangel for help… I think he’s Patron Saint of Catholic singles)
• In the meantime just do your best to be as happy and content as you can while you’re ‘looking’ (seeing friends, doing the hobbies and things that make you happy etc)

These are just some ideas that I came up with (and I’m trying to follow them myself actually)… I really hope it helps… actually I think if you follow a ‘plan’ like this, and ask God for help, you just can’t fail!!

 

[GraceDK]

Blue Skies.
You are really sweet. That was so kind of you…
Actually I did already have an unwritten gameplan although when I met M I did not stick to it. Its my own stupid fault that I got into this mess… but I tell you he really was a charmer and the most beautiful man I have ever befriended. I almost loose my breath when I remember his eyes…
Its a ‘downer’ that I have to let him pass…
And I am so stupid … sometimes I wanna just be allowed to be stupid. But there is always a time for reckoning, where I have to part because of the small but strong rational sense I still have…

The biggest problem was exactly that which you pointed out… that he was not willing to meet me half way and sometimes his stubborness really did have an ugly face.
I hope you are right that I can find a good Christian man who still has the elements that M had, but in a good and healthy “package”. I mean passion, strength, romantic.

I just miss him so much… But I gotta get my mind off this…

Actually I thought something more in line with not listeing to “Good bye my lover” by James Blunt or similar songs:
I am an extremely romantic sentamentalist.


Thanks again dear sister for your comfort. Sometimes life is a mess… But I just have to TRUST in Jesus.

 

[blue_skies_1]

You’re welcome! I hope you’re feeling happier soon.

I am an extremely romantic sentamentalist.

Same here! It’s tough sometimes!!

 

[chevalier]

Chevalier, I hope you don’t mind me saying this but from some of your comments it seems like you might be falling into a bit of a romantic ‘trap’ of waiting for Miss Completely Perfect to come along… when she just doesn’t exist! People’s little annoying habits can grate, that’s true , but that’s what teaches us the virtue of tolerance…

Thanks, Blue_skies, and thank you for the kind words in the end, as well. That is a possibility and probably to a large extent accurate, but I’ve seen enough bad marriages to know I’d rather be alone than mismatched or especially matched in some destructive way with a wrong person for wrong reasons as a result of an unthought decision. My quick ones don’t follow a long deliberation, but they’re solid in terms of logic and link patterns. I catch fast and I’m trained to solve cases. As I said before, they aren’t final in many cases, sometimes they shift the onus. For example, if I see a girl wearing something I would forbid my daughter from wearing (if I had one), I would need good arguments to consider making romantic moves on her, even if I were strongly attracted. Same goes for moral or philosophical opinions I just can’t respect, or even plain compatibility issues that have little to do with morality. In some cases I can assess the situation fast and accurately. This is a preliminary assessment, but in most cases it sticks. Going against this has been destructive.

As for perfect, I’m not waiting for one, but for someone who has enough in common with me. While I’m far from perfect, the chance of finding one who has a lot in common with me are similarly steep because I’m much different in many ways from most people as a result of my life so far. Agreement of characters, hobbies and personalities does matter, as do priorities in values.

As for the good influence, I try to be that without getting involved in relationships for that purpose. Let’s not get into details, but suffice to say I have my private war on the reality where women are treated badly and take it well. I try to do my best.

Blue Skies.
You are really sweet. That was so kind of you…
Actually I did already have an unwritten gameplan although when I met M I did not stick to it. Its my own stupid fault that I got into this mess…

Grace, I once got in nine months of nightmare because I ignored a red flag that became apparent during the second day of getting to know each other a bit more closely. I should have said no to that relationship, but no, I didn’t. I sinned a lot through that time and did myself a lot of spiritual harm, and a lot of bad stuff was done to me as well. In some situations one needs to make quick decisions that follow the right thing, not the nice thing to do.