Together But Not Married Question

[MagentaC]

I need a big question answered. As the title says, my… well, I call him husband, and I are not married. (he calls me his wife too… ) We got together when I was FAR away from God, and church. (I grew up in a non denominational charismatic church)

My husband and I have been together for almost nineteen years, and we have a nearly sixteen year old son. I’ve begged him for years and years to marry me, but he won’t. I gave him limits, like, Before our son is one, before he’s two, before he goes to school, etc… I thought it was because he comes from a Catholic nation, and of course there’s the no divorce thing. (Though, he’s never said a single thing about being Catholic.) His ex wife, and he weren’t married in the church, just signed the papers in the county office.

I resigned myself to his never marrying me as long as she lived… Then I went back to church. This isn’t good even in the church I was going to… Okay, in the meantime, his ex gets extremely sick, and died a few years ago.

It’s still been a few years she’s been gone, and he still won’t marry me! I’m thinking of joining the Catholic faith, but what is this going to do to that plan?? I mean, I’ve tried to get married for years, he just won’t! Can I still go, while trying to wear him down??

This is frustrating.

 

[1ke]

Please go talk to the priest in your local parish for counseling. Don’t be embarrassed, he has seen and heard it all. He will be able to give you the kind of real, personal counseling you need.

I encourage you to seek spiritual guidance locally. Here on the boards we just cannot give you accurate and helpful answers for your specific, complex issues.

Trust in the Lord. He is good. He will show you the way.

 

[Debora123]

Please go talk to the priest in your local parish for counseling.

She is protestant.

 

[anruari]

Trust in God.
Pray.
Do not let your man keep you away from God.
Perhaps he will agree to marry you in a quiet near-private religious ceremony if you can help him see how important it is.

 

[shainski]

My husband and I have been together for almost nineteen years, and we have a nearly sixteen year old son. I’ve begged him for years and years to marry me, but he won’t. I gave him limits, like, Before our son is one, before he’s two, before he goes to school, etc… I thought it was because he comes from a Catholic nation, and of course there’s the no divorce thing. (Though, he’s never said a single thing about being Catholic.) His ex wife, and he weren’t married in the church, just signed the papers in the county office.

I feel for your situation.

My advice to you is never to give ultimatums that you are not willing to follow through with. Every time you go back on an ultimatum (before he is 1; before he is 2), he will take you less seriously - until it doesn’t really matter what you say.

It would be far better to make a smaller penalty that you are willing to follow through with.

So first decide what it is you are willing to live with. Are you willing to stay with him for the rest of your life unmarried? If not - how long are you willing to endure this life?

If you are not willing to endure it for very long - you need to see an attorney to see exactly what rights and responsibilities you have in case this relationship does end. (Even if you are not willing to end it, knowledge can be a powerful tool)

And by all means see a priest to find out how to find your way out of your darkness.

 

[anruari]

I feel for your situation.

My advice to you is never to give ultimatums that you are not willing to follow through with. Every time you go back on an ultimatum (before he is 1; before he is 2), he will take you less seriously - until it doesn’t really matter what you say.

It would be far better to make a smaller penalty that you are willing to follow through with.

So first decide what it is you are willing to live with. Are you willing to stay with him for the rest of your life unmarried? If not - how long are you willing to endure this life?

If you are not willing to endure it for very long - you need to see an attorney to see exactly what rights and responsibilities you have in case this relationship does end. (Even if you are not willing to end it, knowledge can be a powerful tool)

And by all means see a priest to find out how to find your way out of your darkness.

While these questions may need to be asked… Love should offer a better solution. God’s love is the Hope in this situation… so much better than looking for the least objectionable way of severing this relationship. - Just because it is not a marriage in the Law of the Land does not mean it would not have been considered on in other jurisdictions.
The first and preferable option is that It should be protected and repaired and blessed.

Severing the relationship between this woman and man will harm their children.

Only if it is impossible to make this situation right should the O.P. pursue separation to allow her to come to God. - This is a very delicate situation and her Priest’s advice should be paramount…(but she may need to strive to find the right priest).

Proper catholic marriage counselling may be advantageous.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I need a big question answered. As the title says, my… well, I call him husband, and I are not married. (he calls me his wife too… ) We got together when I was FAR away from God, and church. (I grew up in a non denominational charismatic church).

While you are dealing with the moral/religious issues, you need to consult an attorney: please see this article
No Common Law Marriage in New Mexico

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Wow. This is what happens when you don’t set limits. Before moving in with him you should have had a definite plan. When he went back on that and refused to move forward you should have walked away. Now it’s time to either accept him as he is and the life you have together, or have the courage to walk away and find what you really want in life and in a family.

But please understand: He will not marry you. Now or ever. No matter what you say or do, no matter how much you cry and plea, no matter what threats you make, no matter how many well reasoned arguments you make.

 

[robwar]

it’s sad that common law marriages which is what you have here have been eliminated which would have offered you protection and leaving him in reality is like a divorce especially with a child involved. I hope you seek the spiritual help you need and the strength to make the right decisions.

 

[Allegra]

He is not going to marry you. You have to decide what you are going to do about it. I’m sorry you are in this situation.

 

[MagentaC]

Wow. This is what happens when you don’t set limits. Before moving in with him you should have had a definite plan. When he went back on that and refused to move forward you should have walked away. Now it’s time to either accept him as he is and the life you have together, or have the courage to walk away and find what you really want in life and in a family.

But please understand: He will not marry you. Now or ever. No matter what you say or do, no matter how much you cry and plea, no matter what threats you make, no matter how many well reasoned arguments you make.

I wish foresight was as clear as hindsight. If it was I would’ve done a lot differently. But then again I wouldn’t have an absolutely amazing teenaged son. It’s all an unfortunate side effect of being so far from God and his laws… Darn it.

 

[MagentaC]

While you are dealing with the moral/religious issues, you need to consult an attorney: please see this article
No Common Law Marriage in New Mexico

Yes, I already know that one! Thankfully we’ve put everything in my name. The property, house, cars, all of which are paid off, all belong to me. ^^ I had wished that it was the law here, so at least we could have been partly within Gods’ laws.

 

[MagentaC]

Thank you all for the replies!! I’m glad to know that a priest wouldn’t be surprised. I have a lot of prayer, and some very serious discussions to have with a certain man.

Thank you all so much!!!

 

[robwar]

Thank you all for the replies!! I’m glad to know that a priest wouldn’t be surprised. I have a lot of prayer, and some very serious discussions to have with a certain man.

Thank you all so much!!!

you are in our prayers! Just like Jesus offered the women at the well living water, He is offering that to you today!

 

[AmandaKB]

You are in my prayers.

When I returned to the Church and realized I was in an invalid marriage, it was very painful. It took a long time for that to be sorted out (husband got an annulment from his first marriage and our marriage was convalidated) but until that time I spent a lot of time in adoration. Just sitting before the Blessed Sacrament even if you can’t recieve it yet, is such a comfort. Pour out your heart to God. He listens and He will guide you.

 

[jmcrae]

It’s still been a few years she’s been gone, and he still won’t marry me!

He’s been getting it for free for nearly two decades - what’s going to change that’s going to make him want to pay for a wedding, take on the commitment of being his son’s legal father, and share his bank accounts, insurance policies, and pension with you - if nothing is going to change, even if he doesn’t? He has the best of both worlds - he gets all the material benefits of having a wife, and all the financial benefits of being single.

I’m thinking of joining the Catholic faith, but what is this going to do to that plan?? I mean, I’ve tried to get married for years, he just won’t! Can I still go, while trying to wear him down??

This is frustrating.

Talk to a priest and find out what your options are.

 

[Viki63]

Yes, I already know that one! Thankfully we’ve put everything in my name. The property, house, cars, all of which are paid off, all belong to me. ^^ I had wished that it was the law here, so at least we could have been partly within Gods’ laws.

It seems as if that might be an incentive for him to consider marriage.
Have you discussed with him why he’s so opposed to it?
Perhaps he would go with you to talk to a priest.
praying for you.

Sometimes we have to do things that are really hard, but God always honors our attempts to do His will.