Told to leave...often

[migurl]

I wouldn’t call it biased. I know that Mom and Dad do things sometimes that other people don’t understand. I mean, look at the way people responded? They are telling you to basically flip them off and do what you want. That isn’t right. I don’t agree with them telling you to leave, they have said it to me before too and it hurt and angered me. BUT that didn’t mean that I hadn’t done something wrong. SUre, my “wrong” didn’t warrant the being told to leave, but I still was not innocent. I will be the first to admitt that I did indeed have a bad attitude. I think that it would be best to sit down and talk with them. I would be willing to be there to help, because they do need to be called on their mistakes and overreations. The best advice I can give you, is to do what you can to be a good son (obey, be respectful etc.) no matter what. If they still freak out, then that will be a time when we all need to talk. But until you are able to swear to God that you did all you could to avoid it, you can’t point the finger at them without having a finger pointing right back at you. We are all part of familial problems, every member contributes to the problem in some way. My way was usually by being self centered and disrespectful. But I am better now…

 

[Belgarion]

I wouldn’t call it biased. I know that Mom and Dad do things sometimes that other people don’t understand. I mean, look at the way people responded? They are telling you to basically flip them off and do what you want. That isn’t right. I don’t agree with them telling you to leave, they have said it to me before too and it hurt and angered me. BUT that didn’t mean that I hadn’t done something wrong. SUre, my “wrong” didn’t warrant the being told to leave, but I still was not innocent. I will be the first to admitt that I did indeed have a bad attitude. I think that it would be best to sit down and talk with them. I would be willing to be there to help, because they do need to be called on their mistakes and overreations. The best advice I can give you, is to do what you can to be a good son (obey, be respectful etc.) no matter what. If they still freak out, then that will be a time when we all need to talk. But until you are able to swear to God that you did all you could to avoid it, you can’t point the finger at them without having a finger pointing right back at you. We are all part of familial problems, every member contributes to the problem in some way. My way was usually by being self centered and disrespectful. But I am better now…

And in case you didn’t see, I said that I am not perfect and I can be a pain.

But you didn’t quite have the same situation, did ya?

You weren’t told to leave as often. Now I’m not going to say “Screw you” and leave.
But I think that the reasons behind their threats are ridiculous. And telling me that I can only work on myself is just enabling them. Because THEY aren’t going to change!

Sure, I have to perfect myself so I don’t do this with my own family.
But talking to them isn’t going to help.
It’ll just make things worse since I am the LAST person they want to talk to about that stuff. I am biased, they aren’t not, remember?
I am always wrong. So no matter how good of an argument I make, I will never win.

Besides, if I obeyed their every command, I would be long gone by now.

But yeah, I need to work on myself. Though you should try doing that in this environment.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Running away never solved anything. it needs to be discussed in a mature manner with someone else there to mediate. They aren’t abusive, just demanding. Walking out would be a mistake.

No one said to run away.
No one said to walk out.
An adult getting a job, education, and or apartment is not running away.
That’s what mature adults do.
By all means, I’d be completely up front about these plans.
I wouldn’t argue about it either though.
People can be as demanding as they’d like, but their demands do not require that other ADULTS submit to those demands. Esp at the cost of attaining any viable future for themselves.

---

An adult does not need a 3rd party to mediate that they need to get a job, get an education, and get a place of their own to live.

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Likewise, an adult parent of 5 children ages 2 - 19 does not need mediation to know they need to let their oldest get an education (which benefits everyone in the family!) and need to take care of the other children themselves at least some of the time.

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The notion that such basic common sense should need mediation is just ridiculous to me.

 

[Belgarion]

Actually, Rob’s Wife…The lady you’re talking to is my older sister.
She’s married and has 2 kids of her own.

So my parents would be the parents of 6 children, ages 2-23

 

[migurl]

And telling me that I can only work on myself is just enabling them. Because THEY aren’t going to change!
.

it isn’t enabling them to become a better person. If you try to be a good catholic person, and a good son and brother, you will only be getting yourself closer to holiness. Enabling them would be to bow down before them and become and empty shell. I never said that YOU should talk to them alone, but that you need someone there to mediate.
They have changed a lot though, look at Dad…he is pretty different since he lost his job. Not completely, but enough that people are noticing.

 

[migurl]

No one said to run away.
No one said to walk out.
An adult getting a job, education, and or apartment is not running away.
That’s what mature adults do.
By all means, I’d be completely up front about these plans.
I wouldn’t argue about it either though.
People can be as demanding as they’d like, but their demands do not require that other ADULTS submit to those demands. Esp at the cost of attaining any viable future for themselves.

An adult does not need a 3rd party to mediate that they need to get a job, get an education, and get a place of their own to live.

Likewise, an adult parent of 5 children ages 2 - 19 does not need mediation to know they need to let their oldest get an education (which benefits everyone in the family!) and need to take care of the other children themselves at least some of the time.

The notion that such basic common sense should need mediation is just ridiculous to me.

They are not keeping him from getting an education. My Dad is at home watching the kids so my bro can do school work. He is a good kid, but there are two sides to every story. He used to spend a lot of time playing games instead of working. And they will pay for college, they paid for mine. If you want your parents to pay for everything, then you have to help out, no matter how old you are. I lived at home until i was married at 20. They do take care of their own children, when you come from a big family everyone helps out. There is nothing sinful about that. different families do different things.

 

[LutheranDK]

This is impossible and I cannot stand they way they are treating me. Because I am always wrong. No matter what.

First of all: I left out the rest of the original post, due to the post becoming too large…

I know this is the “Catholic Living” part of the forum, and some would claim that I, as a protestant, has no business here.
So if a moderator sees this posts, and thinks that, I won’t be offended if it’s deleted. But no hateful “Stay out of our business, heretic!”-hate mail/posts from anyone, please?

Now, having read your posts here it seems clear to me what I would do in your shoes:
I’d talk to my local priest about mediating. Of course, if it could be solved without that it would be preferable, but from what you’ve written here this seems unlikely.

Because this isn’t as easy as some would have the rest of us think - I acknowledge that. “Just leave!” Well, I think you explained pretty clearly why it just isn’t that simple.
Of course, there are always two sides to any story, and that’s why I recommedended having either your priest or someone else from your church…or basically anyone who you both trust and to whose mediation you’re both willing to submit.

Many parents across the world have probably quoted Col 3:20 (“Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.”) to their kids, and quite comfortably omitted 3:21, which says:
“Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

The Bible thus does not give parents a carte blanche to do whatever they want to their children and “bid their will avouch it”.

To make a long story short - get some mediation from someone both parties trust and are willing to submit to. I could imagine that your priest would be a good choice, but you know better than any one of us.

Anyway - I bed you all farewell and goodnight. And I’ll pray for you and your family Belgarion.

Grace be with you all.

Mark

 

[migurl]

Actually, Rob’s Wife…The lady you’re talking to is my older sister.
She’s married and has 2 kids of her own.

So my parents would be the parents of 6 children, ages 2-23

You called me a lady, that is the nicest thing you have said to me all say

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

One quick thing while I have time…
Rob’s Wife…

I am a guy…so…er…yeah…I don’t think I want to meet a hard-working guy to marry

And I’d rather not be a big sister to anyone…

**ah my mistake! pardon me! **

They are telling you to basically flip them off and do what you want.

No young lady that is NOT what I said.

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there’s "doing what you want"
and then there’s doing what’s right and healthy

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getting a job, an education, and such is NOT just doing what you want. I’ve taught all my kids that when any of them improves their minds and souls, it’s a betterment for the entire family. Likewise, when any of them suffer failure, the family suffers it as well.

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I can’t comprehend how a 19 yr old young man getting a job, an education, and a place of his own is in any way “flipping off” his parents. esp when his parents have failed to provide an education and have urged him to leave.

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I don’t agree with them telling you to leave, they have said it to me before too and it hurt and angered me. BUT that didn’t mean that I hadn’t done something wrong.

I fully expect that both sides have some issues going here.
It’s also irrelevant to the problem.
He did wrong. They did wrong.
Whatever.
Bottom line is this guy needs an education, a job, and to become an adult.
Forgive the wrongs and move on. And OUT.

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I would be willing to be there to help, because they do need to be called on their mistakes and overreations.

Adult parents do not need their children of any age telling them their mistakes or helping them to parent. They aren’t senile or otherwise mentally imparied? Then the adult kids need to accept that their parents parent the way they parent. Or as adults move out so they can make their own decision.

And telling me that I can only work on myself is just enabling them. Because THEY aren’t going to change!

**Actually I 100% agree you should work on yourself because you is the only person you can make change. Hence the reason I say get out and get a job. **

But talking to them isn’t going to help.
It’ll just make things worse since I am the LAST person they want to talk to about that stuff. I am biased, they aren’t not, remember?
I am always wrong. So no matter how good of an argument I make, I will never win.

**Ug. You sound like my 13 yr old. He is always complaining that he can’t win an argument with me.
**
Here’s the thing:

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Don’t argue!
and
It’s not a battle you can “win”!

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Listen, either what they ask is right and true and you shouldn’t argue over doing it because everyone wins when what is good is done.

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Or what they ask is harmful and arguing over it won’t change that. So you simply state, “I’m getting a job and I’m getting my GED.” and then you proceed to do so as best and as quickly as you can. You don’t argue about it. You aren’t trying to prove or win anything by doing it. You are simply trying to better yourself. A loving parent should understand and respect that, even if they might not totally agree with how you go about doing it.

 

[migurl]

my parents do want him to get a jo, they have repeatedly asked my husband if he had any work for my brother, but because of the nature of his job and the time of year, there isn’t anyting going on. My mom even talked about havig my bro go down to the local utility company and apply there after he graduates because they pay well and have awesome benifits. The problem with posting things like this here is that no one knows the whole story, for petes sake, I don’t even know the whole story, but I know more than strangers do, and it frustrates me to see people jumptoconcl``usions about my parents and respond as if they are horrible. Sure, they expet a lot, but if they hadn’t, I would not be were I am today, a happily married, practicing catholic with a young son and another on the way, able to care for a home and for children and not scared of it in the least. They helped me prepare for the life I chose and I am grateful. There is somuch that cannnot be explained here. Yeah, they overreact and make mistakes, but I believe that if they were talked to about it, they would do their best tochange for the better

 

[Belgarion]

I tried to detail the situation as best I could.

HOwever, I did mention that I didn’t get everything down.

Truly, there are plenty of other things that should be considered. And to be honest I wasn’t looking for a “Leave home” answer.

I was looking for some kind of perspective that could help me understand them, or perhaps see if I am indeed wrong.

Leaving is an option. Sure. But if I had no problem with that…why would I even come on here?
They’ve given me the option so many times, you’d think I’ve thought it through.

People have been giving me good advice and some have been giving me advice that is based on a different kind of family life.

BTW, Becky. I have not heard ANYTHING about that utility job.

But yes, they want me to get a job. I just have “the now” to deal with. And a lot of the time, doing schoolwork during the day is viewed as “doing nothing”. Or rather, dad tells me all the time that I do nothing around the house now that he’s there. Yet I’m doing schoolwork.

 

[kage_ar]

First thing, you are not going to change your parents. What you can do is change the way you interact with them.

Sounds as if your dad wants to see progress. Show him progress.

Does your study work have daily lesson plans?

Sit down and write up a list of what lessons or units you will do for the next week (if your course does not already have a lesson plan).

Divide this up by days of the week. Have it posted and mark off what you accomplish each day.

Be able to sit down with your parents each week and show what work you have done, what is planned for the next week, etc.

Set a goal - example: to finish all Math units by Dec 15.

Set a target date to have all your Sr. year studies completed and submitted.

Schedule your day -

Something like

7:00 AM - wake up, morning prayers, shower.

7:30 breakfast.

8:30 - 12:30 - school work.

12:30 lunch

1:30 - 3:00 job hunting.

3:00 help siblings with homework.

4:00 - 5:30 free time

Supper - etc. etc.

Having a daily routine, and documenting it in a journal of sorts will help you see where there need to be changes.

“Dad, I have 4 hours sit aside for school work, on Tuesday I had to take little Billy to the dentist, so that day’s school work was not finished and had to be move to Wednesday”.

By demonstrating what you have accomplished, you will have a sense of satisfaction and that will reflect in your relationship with your parents.

Set goals, work to achieve those goals.

 

[migurl]

I htink that when Dad says that he is looking for some appreciation from you. It is hard for him I think to go from the way life was before to how it is now and not get a “thanks Dad for doing so mcuh” He should be doing it, but he should still be thanked. My husband is supposed to work and provide for his family, I but I still do my best to thank him and show my appreciation so that he knows that I see what he does for me. SOme people would say that I shouldn’t have to thank him, but I know that when I tell him that I appreciate that he gets up and goes to work, he feels great, he feels loved and like he has a real purpose in life and that his hard work does not go unnoticed. THat is very important to him and I imagine to Dad as well,

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

my parents do want him to get a jo, they have repeatedly asked my husband if he had any work for my brother, but because of the nature of his job and the time of year, there isn’t anyting going on. My mom even talked about havig my bro go down to the local utility company and apply there after he graduates because they pay well and have awesome benifits.

**I don’t get this problem. **
At 19, it’s up to the young man in question to get his own job, notmom and dad to have him go somewhere to ask others to give him a job. If that’s fine with him, then that’s fine be me, but his getting a job is not dependent on his parents. Don’t get me wrong, if family can help I think that’s great, but he shouldn’t be waiting to get a job. He should be pounding the pavement for a job too.

The problem with posting things like this here is that no one knows the whole story, for petes sake, I don’t even know the whole story, but I know more than strangers do, and it frustrates me to see people jumptoconcl``usions about my parents and respond as if they are horrible.

I don’t think anyone here thinks they have the “full story”.
For that matter, I don’t even think your parents are horrible.
Even said I’d probably be inclined to feel sympathy for them.

Truly, there are plenty of other things that should be considered. And to be honest I wasn’t looking for a “Leave home” answer.

**Then stay. **

I was looking for some kind of perspective that could help me understand them, or perhaps see if I am indeed wrong.

I’ll make it easy then. Their home, their room and board, they’re the parents = they are right and you are wrong. THAT I agree with them on. If you honestly can’t live under their demands, then it’s time that you live elsewhere. It’s not a fit throwing split the family issue. It’s just part of growing up for many people. It may be that your parents aren’t saying “there’s the door” neccessary because they want to kick you out, but because you are an adult in their home capable of making your own rules - but you have to be in your own home to do it. Basicly if you can’t respect them on their terms under their roof, then it’s time to get your own roof.

People have been giving me good advice and some have been giving me advice that is based on a different kind of family life.

Keep in mind, I have 8.9 kids of my own right now. I get the whole large family helping each other thing even though it’s not one I was raised in myself.

---

I totally get that aspect.

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But there comes a point where children become adults and have to make their own way. It doesn’t mean their parents don’t love them. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their siblings or respect their parents. It’s just part of raising a family. I’ll also note that how this is dealt with for a son could very easily be a whole other deal from how it’s dealt with for a daughter. What worked great for big sis, might not be wise at all for big brother. They are different people and might need different parenting.

I just have “the now” to deal with.

**Get over it. “the now” is ALWAYS needing to be dealt with. It never goes away. If you wait for things to settle and the moment to pass, you’ll never get anything done in life. There’s always something happening. There’s always the now to be dealt with.
**
And a lot of the time, doing schoolwork during the day is viewed as “doing nothing”. Or rather, dad tells me all the time that I do nothing around the house now that he’s there. Yet I’m doing schoolwork.

**So get up early and set aside 4 hours every morning to hop on school work. Knock it out from the get go. No computer, no tv, no radio, no gaming, no nothing but books. Then go to whatever job you can find. **

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**I’m not sure why you should be doing too much around the house? At 19, once your school work is done, I would expect you to be gone for most of the day either working or taking classes. I’d expect you to help when you were home, but I really wouldn’t expect you to be home that much at all. **

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If there’s something about the house your dad thinks you should be doing, then tell him to make you a list of chores he feels you should help out with throughout the week.

**my $2 worth. **

 

[AmberDale]

That’s a great idea, I didn’t know someone could do that.

PS–Amber, where did you get the blinking heart, etc in your signature? I love it!

Do what, get a GED and go to college??
~blinking hearts came from women.evenhealth.com/cgi-bin/index.cgi

I would honestly leave that’s why I suggested it. I also did leave my home, at 18 when my home situation wasn’t working. Now, I did graduate from high school but if I had to I would have gotten a GED.

It shouldn’t take 3 years to complete your SENIOR year in high school, that is my point. You don’t have to leave if you don’t want, but why not get your GED? Then you can go to college and have a PT job??

 

[migurl]

Because then he is wasting then he would be wasting the money his parents spent on his homeschooling program. Graduating with a diploma from Seton looks way better on a sholarship app than getting your GED. GED is about public school knowledge, not college prep private school knowledge. That would be like going to a private school for a few years, then giving up and going to a public school and graduating from there. The college would wonder why and think that you cou;dn;t handle the work load. He isn’t in an abusive situation, just a difficult one.

 

[T700]

You’re 19, haven’t managed to graduate from high school, don’t have a job, and live off your parents.

Start acting like a man and quit making excuses. Stop whining and do something with your life. I have zero sympathy for for you. Get a job. Join the military. Finish your education. Be a man.

Now go ahead and tell me what a bad man I am and how misunderstood you are.

Paul

 

[AmberDale]

Because then he is wasting then he would be wasting the money his parents spent on his homeschooling program. Graduating with a diploma from Seton looks way better on a sholarship app than getting your GED. GED is about public school knowledge, not college prep private school knowledge. That would be like going to a private school for a few years, then giving up and going to a public school and graduating from there. The college would wonder why and think that you cou;dn;t handle the work load. He isn’t in an abusive situation, just a difficult one.

Honestly, if it took my homeschooled son 3 years to complete his Senior year I’d be questioning the problem. He’s 19, he should be finished with high school. It should not take anyone (unless they have some sort of disability) 3 years to do a Senior year. His first post said that, 3 years for a Senior year. If it was 3 years for high school, sure finish.
I’d be wondering why I’m paying for the homeschooling program to begin with.

 

[Belgarion]

You’re 19, haven’t managed to graduate from high school, don’t have a job, and live off your parents.

Start acting like a man and quit making excuses. Stop whining and do something with your life. I have zero sympathy for for you. Get a job. Join the military. Finish your education. Be a man.

Now go ahead and tell me what a bad man I am and how misunderstood you are.

Paul

No, I’ll keep it simple

You’re an idiot.
Good luck with it:thumbsup:

AmberDale:

Honestly, if it took my homeschooled son 3 years to complete his Senior year I’d be questioning the problem. He’s 19, he should be finished with high school. It should not take anyone (unless they have some sort of disability) 3 years to do a Senior year. His first post said that, 3 years for a Senior year. If it was 3 years for high school, sure finish.
I’d be wondering why I’m paying for the homeschooling program to begin with.

Thanks for the insult.
Except I mentioned that I have a 4.0 GPA…
My SAT scores are also high enough to get me a scholarship at Harvard or Yale. I checked.

The problem is that I didn’t have much time devoted to the work. The whole day was devoted to chores and babysitting. And when I did work at night, I was tired. Of course, video games also took up too much time during at least one of those years. Though I must say, I believe I made a mistake in my wording.
This is my 3rd year. As in, I just started the third year. And I’m nearly done. So really I’ve been working on it for 2 years.

 

[T700]

No, I’ll keep it simple

You’re an idiot.
Good luck with it:thumbsup:

Thanks for the insult.
Except I mentioned that I have a 4.0 GPA…
My SAT scores are also high enough to get me a scholarship at Harvard or Yale. I checked.

The problem is that I didn’t have much time devoted to the work. The whole day was devoted to chores and babysitting. And when I did work at night, I was tired. Of course, video games also took up too much time during at least one of those years. Though I must say, I believe I made a mistake in my wording.
This is my 3rd year. As in, I just started the third year. And I’m nearly done. So really I’ve been working on it for 2 years.

You have to do better than that. I’m really not much disturbed by someone acting out and calling me names.

My intent isn’t to insult you, but to urge you to grow up. At 19, many/most of us were out on our own, being adults. Grow up and act like the man you should be.

Paul