Told to leave...often

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If you are staying at home only on the hope that your parents will pay for college, then my suggestion is to move out.

I finished education in June this year, and I’ve got a great big loan I have to pay back, but you know what, it was worth it.

Although I think that you’ve done well in the care and attention you have given to your other siblings, you can’t go through life saying “well, because of XYZ I couldn’t do ABC”.

It has to be “DESPITE XYZ, I still did ABC”, which in your case is finding a way to go to college and finding a place to move out to.

If you grades are high enough, this shouldn’t be a problem 👍 😉 I think that maybe you are a little afraid of the big bad world 😛
 
Reading through another thread that was connected to an earlier thread a year ago and couldn’t help but think how a lot of the situation is so similar to your predicament. I have posted it here for you to take from it what might (or might not be) relevant. It is very hard to assume what the truth in these matters are when both parties from the same family are posting. I would highly recommend that ALL parties seek appropriate counseling, individually. There is no blame, only for healing to take place on ALL parts. You may then find recourse to establish adultlike relationships with ALL concerned.
May you ALL find the everlasting peace and love in HIM to bring peace and love to one another.

First thread:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=11834
The Fourth Commandment

Second thread:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=202708
Someone you know
 
migurl said:
Because then he is wasting then he would be wasting the money his parents spent on his homeschooling program. Graduating with a diploma from Seton looks way better on a sholarship app than getting your GED. GED is about public school knowledge, not college prep private school knowledge. That would be like going to a private school for a few years, then giving up and going to a public school and graduating from there. The college would wonder why and think that you cou;dn;t handle the work load. He isn’t in an abusive situation, just a difficult one.
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Not true and even if it was, that bridge as already been burnt by the fact that he’s sending in an app that shows it took him 3 years to finish one grade, his senior year. That’s he’s a 19/20 yr old graduating with a highschool diploma. I don’t care what school he graduates from, colleges are going to frown on that big time and think it was because he couldn’t handle the work. As a homeschooler, they’re going to wonder if that GPA is inflated to totally fake, so I hope his ACT and SAT score validates it big time.
And Seton is not college prepatory. (Don’t get me wrong, I Iove Seton and they are a great, rigorous program!) A highschool diploma is about highschool knowledge. Unless he is taking AP courses, which Seton does not offer, then both Seton and a GED show highschool level academics have been attained. A diploma does normally look better, but in this case I doubt it’ll look any better than a GED.
People go from private school to public all the time without colleges caring one wit or thinking anything bad about the student in the least. At worst, they think the private school was too expensive and that’s why the student left. They have no reason to think otherwise unless the grades were low or they have discipline marks on their record.
The problem is that I didn’t have much time devoted to the work. The whole day was devoted to chores and babysitting. And when I did work at night, I was tired.
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boohoo. Get over it and make the time. Chores and babysitting aren’t all day activities for those ages and I don’t care much if you were tired. Half the population is tired when they go to work and yet they manage to get their jobs done and take care of children and home too.
Aside from that, your dad is home now to watch the kids so that excuse isn’t going to cut it anymore.
 
Belgarion said:
No, I’ll keep it simple

The problem is that I didn’t have much time devoted to the work. The whole day was devoted to chores and babysitting. And when I did work at night, I was tired. Of course, video games also took up too much time during at least one of those years. Though I must say, I believe I made a mistake in my wording.
This is my 3rd year. As in, I just started the third year. And I’m nearly done. So really I’ve been working on it for 2 years.
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Wasn’t meaning to insult you, and yes you worded it wrong. 3 years and almost finished, and it’s only taken 3 years for what PS kids do in 4 years is really fine. Your wording made it sound like it’s taken you a total of 7 years. 1 year each for freshman/sophomore/junior, then the 3 years for Senior year. I was public schooled, so Senior year is a year worth of school.

Try telling your parents you don’t have time to do all the babysitting, you need to finish your schoolwork. Turn off your video games. Turn off your T.V. 🤷 Have you even talked to them? I’m sure you have, just asking.

Oh and if you don’t want people’s advice, then don’t post here. We see only your situation, and from what you’ve told us we all see “Well your an adult, you don’t like it move out” 🤷
 
Rob_s_Wife said:
Not true and even if it was, that bridge as already been burnt by the fact that he’s sending in an app that shows it took him 3 years to finish one grade, his senior year. That’s he’s a 19/20 yr old graduating with a highschool diploma. I don’t care what school he graduates from, colleges are going to frown on that big time and think it was because he couldn’t handle the work. As a homeschooler, they’re going to wonder if that GPA is inflated to totally fake, so I hope his ACT and SAT score validates it big time.

And Seton is not college prepatory. (Don’t get me wrong, I Iove Seton and they are a great, rigorous program!) A highschool diploma is about highschool knowledge. Unless he is taking AP courses, which Seton does not offer, then both Seton and a GED show highschool level academics have been attained. A diploma does normally look better, but in this case I doubt it’ll look any better than a GED.

People go from private school to public all the time without colleges caring one wit or thinking anything bad about the student in the least. At worst, they think the private school was too expensive and that’s why the student left. They have no reason to think otherwise unless the grades were low or they have discipline marks on their record.

boohoo. Get over it and make the time. Chores and babysitting aren’t all day activities for those ages and I don’t care much if you were tired. Half the population is tired when they go to work and yet they manage to get their jobs done and take care of children and home too.
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👍
Yep.
 
Belgarion said:
No, I’ll keep it simple

You’re an idiot.
Good luck with it:thumbsup:
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Okay- so you’re going to insult anyone who tells you what you don’t want to hear, you’re not going to listen to anyone, and you’re just going to make excuses for why you can’t do this or that. I’m done here. Good luck with your life.
 
I think you need to take responsibility for yourself. It sounds like you messed up and didn’t finish your senior year the first time around. I don’t really care that you had to babysit and do chores and were too tired to do your school work. It is your responsibility to finish your school work so you can graduate. That is not your parents’ fault. I worked 40-50 hours a week and babysat when I was not working (I babysat 6 kids on a regular basis), and I worked my butt off to finish my senior year of high school in one semester. Was it easy? Heck no, but I had goals and I wanted to go on a missions trip before I started college, plus I had to buy my own car and pay my own bills and pay for my own college education. I was fortunate that my parents let me live with them rent-free.

If you really want to graduate, you must do the work. No excuses. Many people can’t graduate because their life circumstances make it impossible to go to school. Many people have to work through high school in order to pay for college. If you want to graduate, you have to take responsibility for yourself.

As far as all the other things, I suggest sitting down with your parents and talking to them about what their expectations are of you and what your plans are for the future. Be respectful of them and tell them that you appreciate all that they do for you, but that you’d like to compromise on a few things.
 
You’re in a difficult situation, but it’s the situation God has called you to be in. You can either make the best of it, or whine and gripe about it for the rest of your life.

How close are you to finishing? If you dumped every time-eater that you have control of (video games (I don’t care if you have a subscription), Internet browsing for fun, hanging with friends, etc), and put everything into it, how long would it take? Could you be done by the end of the year? If your very life depended on it, could you finish by then? Then do it. Set the deadline. Every free minute (and you have some), do school work. If Dad is watching the kids and you can do it, go to the library where you can get work done in peace for a few hours. Schedule it. Don’t waste time.
Just. Get. It. Done.

From everything I’ve read in this thread, you do have an attitude. You resent the difficult situation that you are truly in. It’s coming out in your speech, your mannerisms, etc. Your family is picking up on this. Stop. It. Make the best of this. Change your attitude about the situation, about whether you can get out of it. Yes, you can.

Obey, even if you think it’ll kill you. Even if you want to do school work right then. Practice patience. You say you can’t do that. But if getting the diploma from Seton is that important to you, then yes, you can.

A PP suggested coming up with a schedule you can show your parents when they express concern about lack of progress. I agree.

If you do all of this, most likely 1) if you don’t get done by the deadline, you’ll be a lot closer than if you hadn’t set one at all and 2) your parents might actually back off a little because they see progress.

If after you get your diploma, your parents can’t pay for college, or the college you want to get into, don’t resent them. This is a tough economy. They’re doing the best they can.
 
Of course I have an attitude.

That’s what happens when people don’t read everything I explained and act like their solution is the best one.

However, many other people on here kinda know my personality. I wouldn’t be upset over something because I don’t want to “man up”.
Though I’m sure somehow the very fact that I won’t leave my siblings at home crying because I couldn’t tolerate my parents is…immature…right?

I have a ton to do. You have no idea. You people who say “Oh, I’ve done this before, I could handle it. So can you”
Well…You would cringe at the list of what I have to do.
But somehow I’m sure you were far worse off than I am. Granted, its possible do do what I have to do…otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it, correct?

And another thing. I DID mention that games and all that USED to take a bunch of time. I don’t mess around that much anymore. Again, there is a complete lack of reading comprehension here.

I work as hard as I can, and I am blowing through YEAR courses in a month, if not a couple weeks. So please don’t tell me that I’m not working hard enough. And also consider that I started my senior year when I was 17. So I was a 17 year old, working on my senior year in high school for Seton, watching 3 kids often, and also taing care of a newborn baby at my mother’s office so she could see patients without being too far from her baby. I hardly socialized and video games wouldn’t become a problem until later.

(BTW, I also took some college courses a while back. My mother thought I could do those while I did my high school work…eh…not really. I had too much HS work at that point. So I concentrated on my college work instead.)

So you’re pretty much repeating what I’ve figured out myself when you tell me to get going.

However, that’s not the problem, is it? I don’t recall naming this topic “Can’t finish school” because I CAN finish school.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m only conveying thise attitude of annoyance to those who insist on being ridiculous. If you are honestly trying to help me, I have no problem, but please read and understand before you voice your bluntness. And don’t make assumptions either, but instead ask

Good day and God bless
 
Belgarion said:
However, that’s not the problem, is it? I don’t recall naming this topic “Can’t finish school” because I CAN finish school.
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Then that is what you need to do. Finish school, go to college. Once you’re in college and you’re taking a full course-load, you won’t have time to babysit.

I still think you really need to have a mature discussion with your parents. No laying blame on them, just telling them what you hope to accomplish in the next year or two and ask for their help. They may not know how much they are asking of you.
 
gettingthere said:
Then that is what you need to do. Finish school, go to college. Once you’re in college and you’re taking a full course-load, you won’t have time to babysit.

I still think you really need to have a mature discussion with your parents. No laying blame on them, just telling them what you hope to accomplish in the next year or two and ask for their help. They may not know how much they are asking of you.
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^This is a good post.

Completely understandable. I know I have to finish, and they’ve told me that I can’t worry about them once I start college.

However, the problem lies within them telling me to leave so often! There’s no “Ryan, you’re grounded” (I can accept them grounding me, I live her after all) or “Ryan, do you want us to take away your car?” (That threat is voiced sometimes, but nowhere near as often as “leave”)
I think they do it because they know it hurts my feelings. Which would make it even more cruel for them to say that.
 
Belgarion said:
^This is a good post.

Completely understandable. I know I have to finish, and they’ve told me that I can’t worry about them once I start college.

However, the problem lies within them telling me to leave so often! There’s no “Ryan, you’re grounded” (I can accept them grounding me, I live her after all) or “Ryan, do you want us to take away your car?” (That threat is voiced sometimes, but nowhere near as often as “leave”)
I think they do it because they know it hurts my feelings. Which would make it even more cruel for them to say that.
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I know you think I’m an idiot, so you can choose to ignore this, but your response just now is the root of the whole problem. You ground a child. You take away the toy (car) of a child. You are an adult. You can vote, serve in the military, sign contracts, hold down dangerous jobs. You are a grown up. It is time to get out and start your life.

Paul
 
Belgarion said:
^This is a good post.

Completely understandable. I know I have to finish, and they’ve told me that I can’t worry about them once I start college.

However, the problem lies within them telling me to leave so often! There’s no “Ryan, you’re grounded” (I can accept them grounding me, I live her after all) or “Ryan, do you want us to take away your car?” (That threat is voiced sometimes, but nowhere near as often as “leave”)
I think they do it because they know it hurts my feelings. Which would make it even more cruel for them to say that.
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Are they saying “leave” as in “move out”? Or are they just asking you to leave their presence for a while? When my parents used to get mad at my brothers and I, they would often say “you need to leave” (or some other variation of the sentiment) because they needed us to go away while they cool off.

A few times my parents have threatened to kick us out of their house, but never followed through (except when they found out my brother was doing drugs, but that’s a different story).

Have you told your parents that it hurts your feelings when they ask you to leave? Have you told them all this that you are saying here? There are two sides to this story, perhaps you are only seeing your side, and not theirs. Yes, they may be unfair, but maybe they just don’t know how else to deal with the situation.
 
Belgarion said:
Of course I have an attitude.

That’s what happens when people don’t read everything I explained and act like their solution is the best one.

**I don’t know that my solution is the best one.🤷 **
I think it’s a better one than belly-aching about the problem.

Though I’m sure somehow the very fact that I won’t leave my siblings at home crying because I couldn’t tolerate my parents is…immature…right?

It’s your parents job to parent. If the siblings are being left at home crying, than your parents are being immature and neglectful and should be called on the mat for it. You are not the parent. It’s your job to finish your education, get a job, and provide for a family of your own and be a source of assistance to your siblings/parents when they are older.

I have a ton to do. You have no idea. You people who say “Oh, I’ve done this before, I could handle it. So can you”
Well…You would cringe at the list of what I have to do.
But somehow I’m sure you were far worse off than I am.

**No I wouldn’t cringe at it. I wouldn’t whine about it. I’d get it done. I wasn’t and am not “worse” off. (Although I’d seriously consider thumping you on the head if you’d be brazen enough to tell me you have more to do than a low income pregnant homeschooling mother of 8!:cool: ) **
These things are just life. Not good, not bad, just life.
Get over it.

And another thing. I DID mention that games and all that USED to take a bunch of time. I don’t mess around that much anymore. Again, there is a complete lack of reading comprehension here.

No, we got that. And now you are sufferring the consequences of that wasted time by having to make up for it now.

I work as hard as I can, and I am blowing through YEAR courses in a month, if not a couple weeks.

Oh for crying out loud then. How many course do you have with Seton?! If you’re going at that rate, you should be done in a couple months tops. If I were you, or you were my son, I’d look at considering whether you could adaquately complete only the assignments that need to be turned in and skip the rest. If you can great and that much faster and you can then have more time to focus on the subject that need more effort from you.
And also consider that I started my senior year when I was 17.

**So what? Half of graduating seniors are 17 years old. It’s not a unique thing at all.:confused: **
So I was a 17 year old, working on my senior year in high school for Seton, watching 3 kids often, and also taing care of a newborn baby at my mother’s office so she could see patients without being too far from her baby.

**boohoo. ** :yawn: **You’re repeating yourself. So what? Many highschool students work at least p/t and babysit often. **
(BTW, I also took some college courses a while back. My mother thought I could do those while I did my high school work…eh…not really. I had too much HS work at that point. So I concentrated on my college work instead.)

:confused: hmm, usually college classes take the place of high school course when a student is dual enrolled. IOW, if you are taking CC biology, you wouldn’t also take that as a highschool course. It wouldn’t have lightened your load to take a college course, but it shouldn’t have added too much to it either.

However, that’s not the problem, is it? I don’t recall naming this topic “Can’t finish school” because I CAN finish school.

**then quit yapping and get to it.👍 **
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How quickly could you finish your senior year if you were able to work full time on it? Could you talk to your parents about a “new goal” you’d like to set of graduating ASAP? Is there a library you could go to during the day to focus on your studies to avoid being distracted by the things going on at home (don’t tell your mom home is distracting, just say the library will help you focus)? I’m not really sure what specifically your parents are requiring out of you at home, but maybe if you framed your goal as “wanting to study more, graduate quicker since I’m behind” they’d be ok with you being gone at the library a certain number of hours each day to do this.

If you really are almost done, then maybe you can just get through this. A Seton diploma, would be a great accomplishment. However, if you have to live at home while you’re at college for them to pay for it, then I’m wondering how you can continue like this and expect to suceed in college. Seton is hard, but college is demanding too. Do you have reason to believe that the situation will be different enough that it won’t take you 3 years to finish each year of college as well? If I were in your shoes, my parents paying for community college tuition wouldn’t be a strong enough pull to have to drag my education out for many years. Yes, college can be expensive, but every extra year it takes you to graduate, is another year you’re not working and making a salary - salary that could pay for student loans.

I know from other threads that you are thinking about your future and marriage. But remember that you can be very prepared mentally for marriage, and even be saving up a little $$$ in your bank account, but a prospective spouse or prospective in-laws may only see a boy who can’t seem to get his diploma or a job, and may not be willing to “go there” until your life appears to be “going somewhere.” With the fact that you are a mature person in mind, I’d try to catch my educational / career situation up to that as soon as possible so that the details of my life reflect that maturity.
 
Hi,

This is what I get from your original post. You’ve goofed off and made some mistakes in the past, but you’re genuinely working to rectify your mistakes. Your father has lost his job and you feel taken for granted. You love and respect your parents, but you don’t feel respected.
Your parents treat you like you are 10 years old. Right now you are at an awkward stage in your life. You are kind of in limbo between adolescence and adulthood. At times you are treated as a child, because you live with your parents and don’t shoulder the responsibility for putting food on the table and paying the bills. Society is telling you that you, as a 19 year old, need to be the man and make decisions for yourself. You can’t make your own decisions as long as you are at home. You have to dance to the tune of whoever pays the piper, if you can’t afford to pay the piper yourself.
You have to decide for yourself if dancing to their tune is worth the hand up you’ll get in life.
If you decide to stay, there are some things that you need to change. The poster above made some great suggestions about organizing and showing what you are doing to your parents. If you do this, it’s possible that your parents’ attitude might change.
Tell them that it hurts your feelings when they tell you to leave. It’s possible that it may make your parents stop and think. If these two actions don’t create any changes, try looking at your siblings from an adult perspective. Think of yourself as an adult. Don’t get pulled into arguments with your sisters. It puts you on their level. Explain everything in detail to your younger siblings, including why you are doing what you are doing i.e. not jumping to turn the radio off. Don’t try to argue your point while your father and mother are angry because of what a younger sibling has said. Instead, wait until that sibling is not in the room and your parents are not angry before discussing the situation with your parents. Most of all be extremely patient with everyone in your family. Don’t yell at your siblings when you want them to do something. Just calmly repeat what you want them to do. Calmly repeat it until it drives the child nuts. Your calmness will keep things from escalating into a screaming match, which gets on your parents last nerve. Your calmness will help your siblings become more calm and create more peace in your home. Talk to your younger siblings about acting in a manner pleasing to God.
Talk to them about growing up and share any bits of wisdom you might have picked up from being their age. Talk to them about making good choices that will make things easier for the whole family.
Your father probably feels like the rug was pulled out from under him when he lost his job. He’s struggling with trying to be the defender, provider and leader in his home. It can be difficult for a man to feel manly if he doesn’t have a job. Pray for him. Ask him if he feels stressed. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him through this difficult time.
We were not put here on this earth to think of what we want to do. We were put here to love God, love one another and to serve.
We are called to be imitators of Christ. Read Corinthians I Chapter 13. Love is patient, is kind; love does not envy, is not pretentious, is not puffed up, is not ambitious, is not self-seeking, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice over wickedness, but rejoices in truth; bears with all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away the things of a child…
Keep these things in mind when you feel hurt, neglected or taken for granted. Keep them in mind when your siblings are pushing your buttons and trying to get you mad.
When you took care of your mother when she was sick, you gained grace. It was an opportunity to serve Jesus, as well as, honor your mother. Love your parents unconditionally and don’t expect anything in return. Don’t be like Martha who went whining to Jesus, because she had to do all the housework. Mary was serving in one way, Martha in another.
Practice being a father with your younger siblings.
Pray to God to discern his will for you.

God Bless You and may you feel the peace of Christ in your heart.
 
Galnextdoor: Why can’t more people make posts like you? 😃
I understand what you mean, though its always hard to be the one making the changes.

ThyKingdomCome: I could get done pretty darn fast if I were working full time. Of course, that’d be more necessary for writing and completing actual assignments. I’ve had no problem reading at home. There is a library downtown, but a whole lot of whackos hang out there o_0
You’re absolutely right about my lack of job/ diploma reflecting badly upon me. It does that quite often…And not just for the family of that particular young woman. I HOPE I’m prepared enough mentally for marrige…I just desire so much to be prepared finiancially etc. And I know I can do it. Things are just moving too slowly.

Rob’s Wife:…:banghead:
Unfortunately I’m not a robot as you appear to want me to be
 
Belgarion said:
Rob’s Wife:…:banghead:
Unfortunately I’m not a robot as you appear to want me to be
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**I’m gaining more and more sympathy for your parents.:rolleyes: **
Not asking you to be a robot.:tsktsk: **
Just to get in gear and quit whining!
Life stinks at times.
No one is saying to ignore that fact or take pleasure in it.
Admitting something stinks is one thing.
**It’s another to just let the fumes of the stink over-take you until you pass out, when all you need to do to get fresh air is open a window or door.
All I’m saying is quit yapping about the stink and open a bloomin’ door to let the stink out! Maybe you should walk out the door or maybe the house just needs aired out, but just sitting there complaining about how it stinks won’t change the smell any!:banghead:
 
I can tell you this much, if you lived with me and had that attitude and mouth, there would be no car for you!

You live there, I assume you don’t pay rent, buy food, pay for gas in the car, insurance. But yet you feel you don’t have to help. Everyone should have to help. It’s called being a family.
You are not doing anything that most teenage kids have to do.

You are not one of the parents and have no right at all to ever tell them how to parent or run their home.

Are you saying that your parents do nothing and you do everything? Do you know how many kids go to school and work a full-time jobs? It’s not uncommon, but from what I can tell, you just have to help at home. So what? I say you are old enough to stop this childish behavior. If you don’t like how they run their home and you think you can do better, then leave. I’m willing to bet you last a day.

If you are as sweet at home as you are in your posts, I’d want you to leave too. At first I started to feel sorry for you, now? Not so much. You sound very spoiled. I think that is what your parents have done wrong. They waited to long to tell you no!
 
happymommy said:
I can tell you this much, if you lived with me and had that attitude and mouth, there would be no car for you!
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Assume what you like. But truly the biggest flaw in my writing is tone.
You live there, I assume you don’t pay rent, buy food, pay for gas in the car, insurance. But yet you feel you don’t have to help. Everyone should have to help. It’s called being a family.
You are not doing anything that most teenage kids have to do.
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Good Lord, I guess the point is missed again…
You are not one of the parents and have no right at all to ever tell them how to parent or run their home.
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Oh? Well then I shouldn’t be given the responsibility of a parent when it comes to those kids. But that’s not the issue, is it?
Are you saying that your parents do nothing and you do everything? Do you know how many kids go to school and work a full-time jobs? It’s not uncommon, but from what I can tell, you just have to help at home. So what? I say you are old enough to stop this childish behavior. If you don’t like how they run their home and you think you can do better, then leave. I’m willing to bet you last a day.
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Again, assume/think what you want.
Just know that you don’t know as much as I do about my own family. And even myself. I am a hard worker and I am betting I’d last considerably more than a day.
If you are as sweet at home as you are in your posts, I’d want you to leave too. At first I started to feel sorry for you, now? Not so much. You sound very spoiled. I think that is what your parents have done wrong. They waited to long to tell you no!
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Spoiled? Me?
Assumptions again.

My current irritation is no longer due to my parents’ actions. But instead the scarcity of rational comments. Assumptions and inaccurate criticisms do nothing more than irritate.
Sure, I can be a pain. In fact, I was the first on here to admit that. But you have no idea how much I try to do what’s right and what is pleasing to my parents.
And yet, somehow, having my feelings hurt by horrid threats when I have done little, if not thing at all, to deserve it…is wrong?

Well, how pleasant.

But you made the mistake of assuming too much.
 
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