Told to leave...often

[Ruthie]

Hi, Belgarion.

I’ve been staying caught up with this. You’ve gotten a lot of good advice.

I have a suggestion for you. Now listen up! (No, I have no desire to be a drill sergeant!)

It sounds to me like you’re dealing with a situation in which other people are overreacting. You have a natural desire to defend yourself, and to react back. (I’ve seen you do it here.)

Another consideration: I’ve noticed that, a lot of times, a parent’s anger is just a cover for fear. If your dad is yelling about you being a lazy so-and-so, he may be **afraid **you’re becoming one. Emphasis on the fear. (This would be especially sensitive for your dad right now, when he’s out of work and afraid that he, himself, is not doing enough.) See through the insult to the fear behind it.

Here’s the suggestion. It’s a tough one to learn, because it means changing some strong habits - but I did it, and you can too.

Stop reacting.

Galnextdoor gave a great example:

Don’t yell at your siblings when you want them to do something. Just calmly repeat what you want them to do. Calmly repeat it until it drives the child nuts. Your calmness will keep things from escalating into a screaming match…

Here’s what has helped me. Observe yourself. When you feel yourself getting tense, breathe deeply, and don’t speak.

In my case, my signs of tension were a tight feeling between my shoulder blades, and stiffness in my neck. So I would consciously relax those areas. What is it for you? clenched hands? folding your arms?

Then stand there, breathing and consciously relaxing, until the other person has run down and is waiting for you to say something. I usually try to think about something else while they’re sounding off.

Now - be careful not to say anything provocative. I mean, use careful phrasing. “Now can we talk about this like adults?” is not going to work - you have just told them they’ve been acting like a baby. Even if it’s true, it’s an insult.

The two best ways to start off are to apologize, and/or ask for their help. It’s very disarming. “I’m sorry I made you mad. Will you help me do better?”

Is it always the same kind of thing that provokes the anger? In that case, you need to find a way to fix it. “It seems like it always makes you angry when I ____. How can I do ____ in a way that won’t make you mad?” Then listen, and don’t react. (Even if they yell and use one of the 3 deadly phrases I’ve listed below.) Think about it. Will it ruin your life, or be a major inconvenience, or just a minor one? See if you can comply. If you can’t, work for a compromise.

Or, “I can see that I might seem to be lazy, especially after wasting so much time on video games last year. I’m sorry for that. I’ve been trying hard lately to buckle down; but I feel overwhelmed. Please help.”

And - three deadly phrases to avoid:
“Dad, you always…”
“Dad, you never…”
“But DAD!..”
They label you as immature!

God bless you and your family,

Ruthie

 

[Belgarion]

**I’m gaining more and more sympathy for your parents. **

---

Not asking you to be a robot.:tsktsk: **
Just to get in gear and quit whining!
Life stinks at times.
No one is saying to ignore that fact or take pleasure in it.
Admitting something stinks is one thing.
**It’s another to just let the fumes of the stink over-take you until you pass out, when all you need to do to get fresh air is open a window or door.

---

All I’m saying is quit yapping about the stink and open a bloomin’ door to let the stink out! Maybe you should walk out the door or maybe the house just needs aired out, but just sitting there complaining about how it stinks won’t change the smell any!:banghead:

You misunderstand me, Ma’am.

I am a very emotional person. When someone tells me to leave over nothing, it hurts.

I’m sure you can imagine.

However, you seem to be saying that its totally OK that they do that. And if I don’t like it, the tough.

Yeah, well that won’t solve anything at all.
And your assumptions, as well as those of others, are rather hurtful as well. No one even has the whole story.

To be honest, I liked other people’s suggestions infinitely better.
Many of those people who seem to be convinced I am some horrible person arrived a little late in the thread. Perhaps they should search around for some posts of mine. As I seem to see that those who have seen me around understand me a bit better.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Oh? Well then I shouldn’t be given the responsibility of a parent when it comes to those kids. But that’s not the issue, is it?

You do NOT have that responsiblity unless you choose to take it. Your dad is home - so he shoudl be taking care of the kids. Frankly, I don’t have an issue with older kids helping out, but even with both parents working you should not have been the f/t fill in parent.

---

I told you that if your parents are not parenting, then it’s time for you to leave so they will. And if they still don’t, then you need to leave so you can afford to help those siblings in the years to come.

---

**If it’s a responsiblity that you accept and want, then quit griping about it. Those children deserve better than to have a grudging resentful person care for them. That’s true whether it’s you or the parents. **

somehow, having my feelings hurt by horrid threats when I have done little, if not thing at all, to deserve it…is wrong?

**Yes. Finally he sees the light! **

---

Firstly, telling a grown man that he can get his own place to live if he doesn’t like the rules of the house is not anywhere near a horrid threat. It’s actually a very standard, normal non-painful common sense kind of concept that most folks don’t have a problem understanding.

---

Secondly, if you choose to stay and yet still gripe about the situation, then you are basicly saying you want to gripe about a situation you have choosen for yourself and thus have no business claiming hurt feelings because in that situation, the only person hurting you is you.

 

[happymommy]

You keep saying we don’t know the whole story, so why don’t you fill us in instead of being rude. If it is just your writing style, I suggest you change it because it is really offensive.

You are considered an adult now, your parents don’t have to do another thing for you if they don’t want to. Have you ever thanked them for the car and the expense of homeschooling?

If you don’t feel you are getting respect at home, there might very well be a reason for it. Are you respecting your parents? You don’t have to like them, but as long as you live with them you should show respect, esp. with younger children around. It’s honor thy mother and father. Not honor them as long as they are being nice and don’t ask much of me. I don’t know if you are respectful and I have to say I have my doubts, because you have not been respectful to a lot of these posts.

Now, if you want to be treated as the adult that you are, I suggest that you act like it. I’m more than willing to read about your problems and help, but not if you are going to be rude. There are some fine Christian people on this site that want to help you, and you keep shutting them down with insults and disrespect. You also deserve respect on this site and I am willing to give it to you but you need to start showing some kindness and give us info. to work with other than your age and that you have school work to do. Because that argument is not going to hold up anymore. You said I missed your point. What is it?

 

[happymommy]

I’ve said some unkind things to this kid tonight and for that I am sorry. I don’t know what his story is and I hope that he will share it with us. I think he is having a problem at home and I hope he gets help with it. I’ve talked a lot about respect in my posts but have not offered that to him. I apologize. That doesn’t mean I agree with his behavior, but I don’t agree with mine tonight either.

 

[Belgarion]

Again, I apologize. I am trying to prevent my annoyance from peeking through in my tone. Its difficult.

I’ll say this to everyone though, as I already have said to happymommy.

I cannot give a truly accurate idea of exactly what happens around here. Not just on my parents’ part, but on my own.
I can offer only my intent, and the times I make a distinct effort to have a good attitude. I’ve even resorted to carrying around a Digital voice recorder to make sure I don’t do anything wrong.

I came on here because I thought I was being treated unfairly, and I wanted help finding a way to counter that without destroying what I’ve worked for for years. Of course I didn’t expect to have people tell me that I’m not being a man…Sure, I’m kinda passive. But I tackle things head-on and try hard to work it out. In this situation, I’m stumped. Or at least I was. Talking to them, or getting help in talking to them seems to be a good idea.

But I’m sorry for getting annoyed. Its kinda hard not to be…I’m not super-human…

I will attempt to explain anything that anyone doesn’t quite understand, though. I don’t know where to begin now. Also, I must respect my parents and try not to be too critical of them. I don’t want my biased POV to exaggerate their actions.

 

[sing]

I was in Seton from 1st grade till I dropped out in the middle of my junior year(I was 18 and nowhere near done).I’m the oldest of 10 children, so I had the same problem of all my time being used for watching after my brothers and sisters and doing housework. I also had some pretty severe problems with mental illness and controlling borderline abusive(physically and verbally) parents. Finally, I gave up on Seton and it seriously was the best decision I ever made. I got a job. I took the ACTs, got a decent score, and got myself into college. I moved 3 hours away from my parents, and our relationship improved 200%. Two of my sisters did the same thing. Gave up on the ridiculousness of Seton and got themselves into the local community college. They have jobs and their own apartment now. They now have decent relationships with our parents.

I don’t think you understand the maturity a person gains when they have a job. I’m not talking about a family job. Go out and apply at a local grocery store or some other low level minimum wage job. If you can find better, then do so, but get a job. You need to force yourself into adulthood. If finishing with Seton is that important to you, then nothing’s going to change your mind, but I can guarantee you that in 3 years, no one will care except other people who used Seton. Btw, forget trying to save up money to get married. You are nowhere near ready to think about marriage.

 

[happymommy]

Have you ever heard the term, “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”? Maybe what you are saying to your parents isn’t that bad, but your tone or attitude is, so it’s sound disrespectful. If I were you I would really work at how I say things. Think very hard before you speak.

I don’t think you parents are trying to hold you back with housework or helping with kids, if they were they wouldn’t have you in Seton. Maybe they are trying to give you a stronger work ethic? Every evening, write down everything you need to get done the next day. Prioritize. Then work at staying organized. If you are then it might make it easier to get everything done without becoming overwhelmed. You might be able to do things to get the family more organized and cause less stress. If you have the things done that your parents want you to do, then that’s one less thing for them to get on you about. Have a list of things you do everyday. Make it into categories: what needs to get done before breakfast, before lunch and before dinner. Then a list of what needs done before bed. The first few days will be tough because you may feel you don’t have any free time, but you will get to a point where everything is in it’s place and it won’t take long at all to get your chores or homework done.
Just a suggestion. It’s worked for me.

 

[Belgarion]

I was in Seton from 1st grade till I dropped out in the middle of my junior year(I was 18 and nowhere near done).I’m the oldest of 10 children, so I had the same problem of all my time being used for watching after my brothers and sisters and doing housework. I also had some pretty severe problems with mental illness and controlling borderline abusive(physically and verbally) parents. Finally, I gave up on Seton and it seriously was the best decision I ever made. I got a job. I took the ACTs, got a decent score, and got myself into college. I moved 3 hours away from my parents, and our relationship improved 200%. Two of my sisters did the same thing. Gave up on the ridiculousness of Seton and got themselves into the local community college. They have jobs and their own apartment now. They now have decent relationships with our parents.

Seton isn’t ridiculously hard for me…
I get the stuff done, its just hard finding time to do it. Even right now, I’m typing this as I’m keeping an eye on my younger siblings (This happens less frequently now, my dad is just taking a shower)

I don’t think you understand the maturity a person gains when they have a job. I’m not talking about a family job. Go out and apply at a local grocery store or some other low level minimum wage job. If you can find better, then do so, but get a job. You need to force yourself into adulthood. If finishing with Seton is that important to you, then nothing’s going to change your mind, but I can guarantee you that in 3 years, no one will care except other people who used Seton.

I’ve had some hard jobs before. And those family jobs aren’t just cleaning up at an office. I do real work, interacting with patients and pharmacies. It does mature you quite a bit. I would NEVER want to call anyone over the phone at home. Once I started doing that in my job, I stopped making a big deal out of it. Also, I stayed out of town at one of my jobs. I was working on a property in a city over an hour’s drive away. I was staying with my sister and brother-in-law.

Btw, forget trying to save up money to get married. You are nowhere near ready to think about marriage.

That’s your opinion.
And even so, what would you have me do? Spend the money on junk? No, I have been saving for marriage (effectively or not) since I was in middle school. Sure, I spent my money on junk sometimes. But I still put stuff away. And now, saving that money for marriage is even more important to me. I am not ready to get married at the moment. But I will be in a couple years.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Hi, many here have read my threads as well about my wonderfully controlling mother, and I am not lying when I tell you controlling!! I was always manipulated into doing whatever my mother wanted me to do, at the end I am still the worthless one out the whole family!! Even my siblings agree!! YAY! LUCKY ME!! Well I too was stuck raising siblings, not four just 3 my mother lost one…otherwise it would have been 4…

I adore my siblings even though they do not “like” me very much…They love me but not like me…I am the black sheep of the family and always the “WRONG” one…I have never been right about anything, everything about me is WRONG!!! Still to this day I live with it…I am what’s wrong with the world!!

I am wrong about my education, jobs, children, partners, living areas, house, cars, debts, etc. etc…

I ran away pretty much, married the first man that was in my life, ended up in divorce/annulment…because I just couldn’t deal with it…I was the worthless one but graduated with good grades from hs, and worked in my parents shop until it was too late for any child to be out…and then back again first thing in the morning, and weekends and vacations, and I didn’t get paid, I got whatever my mother wanted to give me…it was called-you are helping- but they provided a full paycheck for my siblings when, after I moved out they were the ones working -helping- Of course I was upset and even though no one cares, I cared you know? And even though my siblings don’t remember and always tell me I didn’t do anything, I remember because I lived it…

And my life has been complicated still…Divorced with 3 children, still can’t get things right, according to my mother and father…First one in my family, other than my dad, to have college degree, etc…yet still the biggest failure in the family!! First one to actually live on my own, in my own house, etc…but still the worthless one!

It’s difficult to live with a family like mine…And I get told all the time, “remember what the Bible says about honoring your father and mother and since you never did I pray that GOD has mercy on you and you are not condemmed to hell!” Just like I wanted to marry my db but no, his mother hates me, my mother thinks he deserves better, so I ended up cancelling our wedding which was in OCT of next year…I ended up seeing a counselor and was adviced that if I love him, forget about the rest because the one I have to live with is my db, so I am thinking that maybe next year will be better and we can reschedule for the wedding for the year 2010…crossing fingers

I was also told I will never be able to make everyone happy but as long as I am following in God’s rules and love and showing GOD I am trying to do my best not to feel bad about not pleasing my family nor his…

The point is you will never be “perfect” nor “the best thing” in this world in your family’s eyes, as it seems, just like with me, but let me tell you that I have the worst insecurities and I am fighting against myself for this and trying really hard, so don’t be like me and run away…While you can, continue helping with your siblings, but STUDY!! STUDY HARD! Graduate from hs, right after make sure you get at least into some certificate quick 8 month course in college, something that will open at least a crack in a window and a good job, then save, maybe it will be another year’s worth of sacrifice but keep praying and your head up high! Continue trying to build yourself educationally, ok, don’t give up! It’s the best tool GOD has given you to make it, once you have a steady job save your money enough to get into an effeciency, they usually run around 400 bucks a month all included except for food…Once you are able to go back to school and get a college degree, if you are still baching it, then continue living in those circumstances, a huge sacrifice yes, but it will save you lots of money to help you through your education and career. Once you have a career get a better full-time job, and you will see your sacrifices paying off, in GOD’s name…

Then you will be ready for anything economically and financially, you will be stable and still following in God’s love and teachings, and hopefully you will meet a great woman and have a family of your own!! God willing!!

It was the same with my db, his mother wanted him out too, he did whatever she asked for and still working on his education…

So just stick to it as much as you can, don’t quit and don’t give up on school and you will see in God’s name, all will work out for you!!

 

[Belgarion]

Have you ever heard the term, “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”? Maybe what you are saying to your parents isn’t that bad, but your tone or attitude is, so it’s sound disrespectful. If I were you I would really work at how I say things. Think very hard before you speak.

I try. I really do. Sometimes it does come out wrong anyways. Unfortunately, I’m not very good at hiding my emotions. Often, if I’m annoyed, I’m going to sound annoyed, even if I try not to.

However, that does not mean that I always talk to them in a tone. I could be completely calm and they could still get mad at me. Its confusing because I KNOW I didn’t have a tone.

I don’t think you parents are trying to hold you back with housework or helping with kids, if they were they wouldn’t have you in Seton. Maybe they are trying to give you a stronger work ethic? Every evening, write down everything you need to get done the next day. Prioritize. Then work at staying organized. If you are then it might make it easier to get everything done without becoming overwhelmed. You might be able to do things to get the family more organized and cause less stress. If you have the things done that your parents want you to do, then that’s one less thing for them to get on you about. Have a list of things you do everyday. Make it into categories: what needs to get done before breakfast, before lunch and before dinner. Then a list of what needs done before bed. The first few days will be tough because you may feel you don’t have any free time, but you will get to a point where everything is in it’s place and it won’t take long at all to get your chores or homework done.
Just a suggestion. It’s worked for me.

That’s a good idea. Though the days are horrendously unpredictable for me. I could plan on spending a certain amount of time on schoolwork, only to find out I have to go to costco, or something. Nobody tells me anything!

I don’t believe they are TRYING to hold me back. They are just contradicting themselves. They want me to do the schoolwork, but then they complain that I’m not doing enough housework. Then when I do the housework, they complain that I’m messing around too much and not finishing my schoolwork.

Its terribly hard to concentrate on anything important while you’re watching these kids…lol…And since I share a room with my 2 year old brother, its hard to do certain assignments without waking him because I need light.

 

[Galnextdoor]

I cannot give a truly accurate idea of exactly what happens around here. Not just on my parents’ part, but on my own.
I can offer only my intent, and the times I make a distinct effort to have a good attitude. I’ve even resorted to carrying around a Digital voice recorder to make sure I don’t do anything wrong.

I came on here because I thought I was being treated unfairly, and I wanted help finding a way to counter that without destroying what I’ve worked for for years. Of course I didn’t expect to have people tell me that I’m not being a man…Sure, I’m kinda passive. But I tackle things head-on and try hard to work it out. In this situation, I’m stumped. Or at least I was. Talking to them, or getting help in talking to them seems to be a good idea.

But I’m sorry for getting annoyed. Its kinda hard not to be…I’m not super-human…

I will attempt to explain anything that anyone doesn’t quite understand, though. I don’t know where to begin now. Also, I must respect my parents and try not to be too critical of them. I don’t want my biased POV to exaggerate their actions.

Your apology speaks to your character. When you talk to your parents don’t make accusations or criticize their parenting style. Instead, talk about your feelings in a calm non-confrontational manner. As for your father, he’s going through great difficulties even if on the surface everything appears fine. Pray for your father. It’s difficult to remain hurt and angry at someone you pray for. Another thing to consider is that if your father didn’t spend much time being an adolescent before he was shoved into being an adult, it may be difficult for him to relate to what you are going through.
As for being a man, it doesn’t have anything to do with your personality, it has to do with your character. You don’t seem passive. Don’t feel like you have to tackle everything head on to resolve it. The old cliche you can draw more flies with honey than vinegar is still use today because it’s true. A true man is a defender, provider, and leader, but he doesn’t have to lead with an iron fist. He accepts responsibilities without complaint. He is dependable and honest. He comforts, yet does not feel threatened when comforted. He should try to be like Joseph was to Jesus and Mary. His devotion to God should set an example for his children to follow. He is willing to make sacrifices for those he loves.
I can see these characteristics growing in you. Your maturing nature shows in your unwillingness to bash your parents, even though you feel hurt and used. Consider what you think your parents shortcomings might be and think of ways to do it differently, causing less strife, yet achieving the desired outcome. File it away for when you are a father yourself or use it when you babysit your younger siblings. Your parents’ method of parenting was probably learned from their parents. If it appears to be flawed, choose a different method for yourself. Also, remember this…you didn’t come with an instruction manual and your parents are doing the best they know how to do. You have to tell them what you need.

Have you made out a schedule and listed your goals on it, yet? If you stick to the schedule, you will be learning discipline and dependability. Make sure that you have scheduled the things your parents want you to do as well as, the things you need to do to achieve your goals. These are mature ways to deal with work, school, etc. You probably already know this, but in the business world, somebody who can master these skills is called a self-starter.
If you are not allowed to do your work, write down on the schedule what your parents had you do instead. You can at least show how your time was spent.

Everything you do today, do for Jesus. If you are doing something that you wouldn’t be comfortable offering to Jesus, maybe you should examine what you are doing.

You are a bright, young man, and I have confidence that you will follow some of the positive advice given by other posters. Remember to keep love in your heart where your parents are concerned. You will grow from these experiences.
I’ll continue to pray for you and your family. God Bless.

 

[happymommy]

Your apology speaks to your character. When you talk to your parents don’t make accusations or criticize their parenting style. Instead, talk about your feelings in a calm non-confrontational manner. As for your father, he’s going through great difficulties even if on the surface everything appears fine. Pray for your father. It’s difficult to remain hurt and angry at someone you pray for. Another thing to consider is that if your father didn’t spend much time being an adolescent before he was shoved into being an adult, it may be difficult for him to relate to what you are going through.
As for being a man, it doesn’t have anything to do with your personality, it has to do with your character. You don’t seem passive. Don’t feel like you have to tackle everything head on to resolve it. The old cliche you can draw more flies with honey than vinegar is still use today because it’s true. A true man is a defender, provider, and leader, but he doesn’t have to lead with an iron fist. He accepts responsibilities without complaint. He is dependable and honest. He comforts, yet does not feel threatened when comforted. He should try to be like Joseph was to Jesus and Mary. His devotion to God should set an example for his children to follow. He is willing to make sacrifices for those he loves.
I can see these characteristics growing in you. Your maturing nature shows in your unwillingness to bash your parents, even though you feel hurt and used. Consider what you think your parents shortcomings might be and think of ways to do it differently, causing less strife, yet achieving the desired outcome. File it away for when you are a father yourself or use it when you babysit your younger siblings. Your parents’ method of parenting was probably learned from their parents. If it appears to be flawed, choose a different method for yourself. Also, remember this…you didn’t come with an instruction manual and your parents are doing the best they know how to do. You have to tell them what you need.

Have you made out a schedule and listed your goals on it, yet? If you stick to the schedule, you will be learning discipline and dependability. Make sure that you have scheduled the things your parents want you to do as well as, the things you need to do to achieve your goals. These are mature ways to deal with work, school, etc. You probably already know this, but in the business world, somebody who can master these skills is called a self-starter.
If you are not allowed to do your work, write down on the schedule what your parents had you do instead. You can at least show how your time was spent.

Everything you do today, do for Jesus. If you are doing something that you wouldn’t be comfortable offering to Jesus, maybe you should examine what you are doing.

You are a bright, young man, and I have confidence that you will follow some of the positive advice given by other posters. Remember to keep love in your heart where your parents are concerned. You will grow from these experiences.
I’ll continue to pray for you and your family. God Bless.

That was very kind! I hope it helps him!

 

[sing]

Seton isn’t ridiculously hard for me…
I get the stuff done, its just hard finding time to do it. Even right now, I’m typing this as I’m keeping an eye on my younger siblings (This happens less frequently now, my dad is just taking a shower)

…
And even so, what would you have me do? Spend the money on junk? No, I have been saving for marriage (effectively or not) since I was in middle school. Sure, I spent my money on junk sometimes. But I still put stuff away. And now, saving that money for marriage is even more important to me. I am not ready to get married at the moment. But I will be in a couple years.

Seton wasn’t ridiculously hard for me, it was a ridiculous amount of busy work that I was unable to do while being a surrogate mother. I had a high GPA with Seton. I think you should use your money to move out of your parents’ home. Don’t live with relatives. Find a way to become self-reliant. Nothing hits you as hard and as fast as having to pay rent to a random stranger. But like I said, you will only do what you want to do. No one here, no matter what their experience, will be able to change your mind.

 

[Belgarion]

That was very kind! I hope it helps him!

Indeed it did help me. And it was extremely kind.

Thank you Galnextdoor.

For your kind words and your advice. I will follow it to the best of my ability.

Thank you again.

 

[happymommy]

Indeed it did help me. And it was extremely kind.

Thank you Galnextdoor.

For your kind words and your advice. I will follow it to the best of my ability.

Thank you again.

How’s it going today? Any better?

 

[Belgarion]

How’s it going today? Any better?

Well…kinda…

I went to work this morning at my mother’s office. Which is great actually. The people there are great to talk to and it hardly feels like work…or maybe I’m just not busy enough there

anyways, I got home from work at around 2:30 and my dad didn’t have a handle on things…So I handled my little brother’s nap and then left to take my sister to the dentist. Well, I got home from that, and got on the computer well over 20 minutes after I got home. My dad sees me and immediately berates me for getting home and immediately getting on the computer…
er…OK…well…I didn’t talk back or anything, but OMGOSH! WHAT?!? I’m not joking…I got home, and he was on the phone, locked in his bedroom (talking to some stock broker for some reason) with my 11 year old sister downstairs watching the 5 and 2 year old boys by herself…If I had done that…I would have been grounded forever. I would have been yelled at, and more.

Good Lord in heaven…

 

[lenni]

hey belgarion…
mmm… iv read a few of the posts so far and i tend to have a slightly different perspective…
well i reckon in my opinion - you need to set your parents straight!!
Have you talked to them about this???
Ask them why they are doing this to you??
and Explain to them what YOU want???
personally, i wouldnt want to move out just at this moment - only coz, it would be such a big hassel to
a) get a job
b) find a place
c) move everything
d) take correspondence edu. in2 your own hands
e) pay the bills
f) housecleaning
personally, i would find it easier if my parents paid for my college edu.

i think first you should voice your opinion to your parents. Tell them that you are passionate yada yada… i think you have to set the scene realistically. I would prob give the analogy - is that what you expect of me in 60yrs time??? babysit the kids. ‘Mom, i cant keep working for you, honestly, if im going to make it big in the real world. I need to stand on my own two feet without your aid. I want to be able to have and support a family and children like yours etc etc.’ I hope i painted a good enough picture for you.

honestly, belgarion, ‘ITS ALRIGHT TO AGREE TO DISAGREE’ that is the essence of adolesence. yes, its alright to voice your opinion. and if its to the extent of yelling and screaming - they will ALWAYS LISTEN, even if its not what they want to hear. Personally, if my mother saw me in that much pain and anger, she would not want to see me in that state. Its a motherly instinct. no mother wants to see her children in a disgruntled state. Yes, trust me iv had plenty of experience myself, lately. My mother has finally come to terms that im not pursuing med or a sci degree…which she dearly hoped!

otherwise - i think your other option for college and school is to live on campus. In one of the student accomdation places. but im warning you belgarion, its going to be a major change and a major leap. I honestly, would wait till college and then live on student campus. because, from my friends opinions - its quite a change to experience while doing the last year of skool.

well now its up 2 you!! that was my :twocents:

• lenni

 

[Eliza10]

I only read through three pages of responses, but I want to give my response to your original post anyway.

I think your feelings are legitimate - your parents are being unfair, unhelpful and invalidating in some ways. And if you do play too many video games its understandable that you desire escapism. But I am sure you are not so addicted that you are unable to take steps to apply self-discipine to excesses there.

I think its wrong for them to tell you to leave when the responsibilities they give you are a big part of the reason you are unprepared to leave home. I suggest you have an answer for that which works for you until you can sort out what right path your life will take and how to prepare yourself for that. So you don’t keep getting hurt everytime they say it. Some innane “humor” remark can be devised for reply to “There’s the door!” – something light or silly (not disrespectful) to deflect their intent.

As to telling you that you can leave, you can simply state the obvious, “I live here” - and then close the conversation as if thats the be-all-end-all answer. Because most likely you will leave when the time is right to leave. Not in anger or upset but most likely when all agree this is the right time and reason. Meanwhile, you do live there, and its unlikely that your parents are so cold-hearted as to toss you out with no plan in place. So it makes sense to act as if those “you can leave” words have no meaning.

You have concluded probably correctly (since you live with them) that your parents are not able to admit they are wrong. This is a character weakeness that just is, and it is difficult to live in relationship with people with this character flaw. But this is the cross that God put in your life and He can give you the grace and the wisdom to live with this victoriously. You have to take people as they are, right? It makes no sense to rail that they are not other than they are.

Wouldn’t outside counsel help at this time? There is your priest, or another one nearby whom you respect, or they may direct you to other counsel. I highly reccommend finding an abbey or convent nearby. When I am finding my life circumstances too big a cross to bear, I have taken retreat at a local Trappist Monastery. I go to confession, I tell a monk my problems and get counsel, I pray the office with them during their hours (they behind the gate and me with the other silent retreatants and visitors) and I never fail, even when my life is in the most trying of circumstances, to come home in basked in the great peace of God.

 

[Eliza10]

… I just have “the now” to deal with. And a lot of the time, doing schoolwork during the day is viewed as “doing nothing”. Or rather, dad tells me all the time that I do nothing around the house now that he’s there. Yet I’m doing schoolwork.

Accept the unfair remark with resignation, offering up the unfairness to the Lord for salvation of sinners. Also you can make the truth be known with no rancor or without inviting argument by saying blandly, with no resentlment, like a simple fact: '“Schoolwork is nothing.” You can say this without inciting argument becaue you will say it out of the place of the peace of God in your heart - peace that comes not from the peacefulness of circumstance but from God Himself. And you know the truth - you are truly doing something by doing schoolwork. If your Dad chooses to be difficult by choosing not to admit the truth of the thing, thats his problem and you will only make trouble (probably fruitlessly) trying to make him see otherwise when he chooses not to. It seems to be a case of that shocking and disappoinintng series of discoveries that our parents are not so god-like as they are supposed to be. They are instead just flawed persons we are to treat in a god-like way.

Your parents are likely tired and overwhelmed in many ways and are doing the best they can - and in their weakness overlooking things they shouldn’t - while you in your clarity of youth see truths and realities they are not seeing. And they aren’t always ready to see truth when you are ready to share it. Thats where resignation comes in.