Too Scared to Be Catholic, Too Interested to Stop Learning?

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Ellie727

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I’ve been feeling a bit sad ever since I’ve started taking a look into Catholicism and I don’t know what to do. This is gonna be a long read…but hoping to get some thoughts.

A bit about me, I was baptized Catholic as an infant but my parents became baptist before I was 2. All I had ever heard were complaints about prayers to Mary and the Saints.

My dad became so impassioned about his conversion that he actually became a baptist pastor and attempted to start his own church, he still preaches at churches throughout our cultural community today. I owe my love of prayer and Christian faith to him and my mother’s encouragement.

Due to a breakdown in my parents’ marriage, they separated for many years and my sisters and I essentially never had a consistent church to go to if we went at all and it’s always something that’s made me feel somewhat sad but I guess I just got used to it.

Fast forward, I’m engaged to a loving and caring man who happens to be Catholic and from the time I’ve known him (nearly 9-10 years now) he’s missed Mass less than a handful of times. I had tried going with him once but I became too intimidated and embarrassed because I didn’t know what to say or do.

While wedding planning we decided we’d get married in a Catholic church because it was important to my fiance and I loved the idea of getting married in a church. I also decided to revisit going to Mass. The Priest marrying us recommended we go to a couple’s retreat as part of the marriage preparation.

During this retreat I was blown away by the origin story of the Catholic church. I honestly kind of grew up assuming that the Catholic church was the first church but that they were just a group that had found the scriptures of the bible first. When I learned that it was actually started by Jesus and the apostles, I was stunned and I’ve spent my time ever since just digging into the history non-stop to the point that I almost wish I could stop.

What pains me is, the more that I learn the more convinced I am that the Catholic church is where a Christian should be… However, you can imagine how even me discussing going to Mass with my fiance can be a sour topic with my family. They have dropped comments like “you’re not Catholic” or “we’re not Catholic” and various warnings about Catholic teachings. Even though not a single one of them officially belongs to any church, my mother never goes to church, my sisters rarely if ever, my dad more frequently but he doesn’t belong to one officially. It just discourages me because normally we’re all very close. Even with the wedding they almost seemed to prefer if the ceremony was in a hotel or even non-religious rather than in a Catholic church despite all being Christian.

On top of all that drama, because I’ve never belonged to a church part of me feels intimidated by even considering joining any church at all. I just feel like I don’t know if I can live up to the expectations and I’m nervous about even doing any gestures or anything like that during a Mass. Though I look forward to every Sunday and again can’t seem to shake reading information about it. What would you do in my shoes?
 
Quite a story, but sadly all to common these days. Here is what former Calvinist/Presbyterian Dr. David Anders counsels: Once you are convicted in your conscience that the Catholic Church is the truth, it would be a violation of your conscience to remain outside of her.

Without being specific, ask your parents if you (or they) should either do something or not do something if it violated your/their conscience, and leave it at that. Stress the role of conscience in this matter, such as “I cannot in good conscience remain where I am” or “I cannot in good conscience fail to convert” - something like that.

In the meantime, bone up on Catholicism by doing some reading, listening to Catholic radio, or watching EWTN on cable. You can tell your parents how much you love them and admire their faith, but that your conscience tells you that there is more to Christianity than what you learned growing up.

Not saying it will be easy,
 
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If you marry this man, pretty soon you’re going to be his wife first and foremost and that priority will need to come ahead of whatever your family says. And same for him and his family. Ephesians 5:31 says you leave father and mother and cling to each other as spouses. The fact that none of your family goes to church regularly makes this even less of their concern, as it’s not a case of you going off to a different church while they all go to the local Baptist or whatever church as a family group.

I think the whole business about being nervous of the “wrong” gestures is just your nervousness over the larger issues coming out. It wouldn’t be very hard for you to just watch your husband and do the same things he does - and even if you did make a mistake, no one cares, no one is looking.

Just keep reading and praying and talking to your husband and pray that God gives you the strength to do what you in your heart know is the right thing to do here. God bless.
 
Keep learning and above all keep praying. The Holy Spirit will lead you and show you the way. The more you learn the more assured and comfortable you will be in joining the Catholic Church. I used to be Southern Baptist and married a Catholic so I know some of what you are going through.
 
Ellie727 said:
engaged to a loving and caring man who happens to be Catholic and from the time I’ve known him (nearly 9-10 years now) he’s missed Mass less than a handful of times
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Sounds to me like you are blessed to have found each other.
 
Thank you, I think you’re right about conscience, I feel like that’s what keeps me circling back to reading and researching, even with how I feel it will complicate my relationship with my family. I will definitely keep these words in mind. I appreciate the response.
 
You’re very right about us becoming one and our own family. My fiance reminds me this whenever we discuss this. At the end of the day we’ve already planned to have our future children baptized and so on. I just didn’t know that I’d be along for the ride beyond cheerleading from the sidelines. It just gets stressful having to feel like I have to be on the defensive constantly but at the same time I want to keep learning and praying.

An example: I was speaking to my mother on the phone and mentioned that my fiance and I would be attending Mass later that evening and when she asked why, I told her because it was All Saints’ Day and she immediately snapped that I could attend but I didn’t have to believe in anything because the bible says x,y,z about the dead. I immediately responded that she didn’t have the right to dictate what I believed and I quickly cut the conversation short.

So you’re right about the gestures being a combination of things but as you’ve recommended I will pray for strength and courage. Thank you so much for your response.
 
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement, it’s good to know others have gone through similar circumstances. Did your family get used to things?
 
Aww yes, definitely. I feel blessed every single day that God brought us together.
 
If it makes you feel better, I had a kind of similar experience as you where I wanted to be catholic and my parents were very against it. My dad at first asked questions like “do catholics even believe in Jesus?” Luckily, my Grandpa, a Lutheran, came to the rescue by giving it the thumbs up. Luckily his opinion is highly regarded in my family because he’s a theologian. I’m sure it will all work out, especially if you pray for guidance. Advice received in prayer is probably much more useful than advice I can give.

My philosophy is to love God more then the denomination, if it helps you have patience in this trial.😀
 
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I really like the depth and meaningfulness of the sacrament of marriage, and the level of seriousness in which it should be taken. I think seeing how things went for my parents has had a huge impact on me in regards to how important marriage is meant to be especially when it comes to children. The Priest marrying us told us that it is essentially our responsibility to help each other get into Heaven and in viewing it that way I felt an even greater sense of responsibility and happiness that we have each other to keep each other on the right path.
 
Thank you for the prayers. I am certainly giving all of this some thought, I don’t think I should let anyone stop me but it is hard not being able to easily talk to my family about everything. It helps to let everything out here at least. Thank you again for the encouragement.
 
Wow, that’s a crazy question given everything I’ve learned so far, but I guess a lot of people just work off assumptions, whether it’s Catholicism or anything else. I had some misconceptions as well due to what I was told and just not looking into it very much. I’m glad I’ve gotten the opportunity to understand more and I hope I can continue to pray and grow more to understand what God has in store for me.
 
Are you taking RCIA by chance? If not, talk with your parish priest about it. You said you were baptized, but you probably were not confirmed. I still have resistance from my elderly parent and adult siblings (I was Baptist). I’ve finally reached the point where if my mother starts another verbal attack, I am going to tell her that her words are offensive to my faith and walk away.
 
The truth isn’t always convenient. Keep seeking it, keep studying, and you’ll inevitably end up at the doors of the Catholic Church. Just the way it is. 😀
 
It sounds as if the Spirit is gently tugging at your heart.

I understand. I am in the same situation, baptized into the Catholic church as a baby, except I am the one who went and became a Protestant pastor. Now I am on my way home, it creates significant strain in my marriage, as my husband, also a pastor, is not thrilled.

What amazes me in this process is to see that the call is much stronger than my fear. From what you have written, I think it is the same for you.

If you would like to, you are welcome to join us prospective converts/reverts on the Tiber’s shore thread !
 
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Ellie727 said:
The Priest marrying us told us that it is essentially our responsibility to help each other get into Heaven and in viewing it that way I felt an even greater sense of responsibility and happiness that we have each other to keep each other on the right path.
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Beautiful.

When we were married part of the rite, my wife and I each held a lit candle. Together we lit a third candle & snuffed out the candles we were holding.

& two lives became one.
 
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Ellie727 said:
An example: I was speaking to my mother on the phone and mentioned that my fiance and I would be attending Mass later that evening and when she asked why, I told her because it was All Saints’ Day and she immediately snapped that I could attend but I didn’t have to believe in anything because the bible says x,y,z about the dead. I immediately responded that she didn’t have the right to dictate what I believed and I quickly cut the conversation short.
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You might try just saying, Mmhmm, yes Mom, and then change the subject rather than argue back at her. You can believe as you like of course but she may feel she has to “defend her faith” and in situations like this it’s better to just not engage. Of course if the other person won’t drop the subject after you’ve tried to move on to talk about dinner or the weather or some other neutral topic, then you would have to cut the conversation short.
 
Since you don’t have that good an idea of what to do during Mass, maybe you should
a) Sit down with your fiance and go over it with him- he should be able to explain some of the what and why we do what we do.
b) Get out the missal during Mass and read it. It is basically the handbook.
c) Don’t worry. I am a cradle Catholic, member of the church choir, and I still occasionally forget what to do next.
 
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