Too young to marry?

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CorriD

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Hi there, this is my first post on this forum, so here goes.

My nineteen-year-old daughter and her boyfriend (also nineteen) have been dating for about two years. Recently, her boyfriend approached me and asked my permission to marry her. Honestly, I was completely caught off guard and the only answer I could manage was, “You’re too young. You need to wait a few years.”

He was obviously disheartened by this answer, but backed down and thanked me for his time. He’s a good kid, and he is the type of guy I’d like my daughter to marry eventually. He’s a Catholic, a hard worker, and he comes from a great family. He doesn’t drink or smoke, he works full time, and he has a good head on his shoulders. Our whole family enjoys his company and he would be a good edition to our family. Plus, my daughter is very much in love with him, and he seems very much in love with her. He treats her very well and confided in me that he worked three jobs at one point to pay for her a ring in cash.

But… I just don’t think anyone knows what they want at nineteen. My daughter has little experience with dating. He is her first serious boyfriend, and they’ve only been dating two years. That’s really not a lot of time to decide that you want to be with someone forever.

Plus, they’re both going to be juniors in college next fall. What if she’s pregnant in college and has to drop out? What if they don’t have health insurance and she’s pregnant? He replied that he can purchase health insurance for her through their college. As long as she doesn’t drop out, she’d be eligible for the school insurance. I’m just worried that she wouldn’t be able to handle being pregnant and being in school. My daughter is incredibly hard-working and dedicated, but being pregnant in college is a huge challenge.

I like the guy, but I just don’t like the timing… I want my daughter to have fun and have dates and not to worry about a husband and baby she has to take care of. I’m just worried that if I allow her to marry this guy she’s only dated for two years when she was a teenager, that she’ll come to regret it or end up divorced. As much as I hate to admit it, I’d rather they move in together for a year or two and then revisit the idea of marriage. I lived with my wife before we were married and we’ve been together eighteen years (we married a year after my daughter was born). I just worry they will grow apart and come to regret this decision.

She’s very determined not to fail, but what if she’s a different person at twenty five? Am I being unreasonable for telling them they have to wait?
 
they are 19, nominal adults. so if they let you tell them what they can or can’t do, the answer apparently is, they’re not ready.

I’d expect there will be many stories to the contrary. my parents married at 18 and were married for 67 years.
 
The cathecism says that as a parent, you should be open to your child’s choice of spouse. It does sound like your daughter is still living with you, so she is obliged to obey you…if not it really isn’t up to you…that said, I’m 24 and I can’t imagine being married right now, though some of my friends are. It is also very common to live together nowadays. So if you think that they need to get married to not fall off the chastity wagon that might be a consideration…just make it clear it needs to be a Catholic wedding…good Catholic guys are hard to find right now
 
In my opinion, 19 is not too young, but it’s prudent to postpone marriage till formal eduction is done.
Also, that fact he approached you for permission is a good sign. The fact that he accepted your answer is a better one. 🙂

I don’t think there’s any need to insist that your daughter date other men before choosing the one she wants. Normal socializing should be enough to give her enough bsis for oomparison.
 
Perhaps I didn’t see it but what does your daughter say?

As a father, I can understand your concern about yours daughters welfare. It is obvious that the young man is doing this the right way. You need to tell him what you have said here, especially those things about how he is the man that you would like your daughter to marry. It should not come across as your to young to marry. That is a bad message. I don’t think we ever think are children are old enough to marry. You need to communicate in a loving way your concerns. You cannot live your daughters life for her. You cannot make her choices no matter how much better it seems to you that do so.

My sister only had one boyfriend and they were married for 50+ years. Experience does not make a good marriage nor does an education.

You need to start communicating with your daughter adult to adult. He is not a good “kid” he is a good man. I think, Boy could I be wrong, that you might be having a problem with your child growing up.
 
If they have been dating for 2 years, then they should have a pretty good idea if they want to marry. It sounds like they are mature, thoughtful young people, who know what they want arnd are willing to work for it. My parents knew each other for less than two weeks, married, raised 5 children and would have celebrated their 60th in August this year (my dad passed away last month). They were both in college at time and started without a pot (because Mom couldn’t cook!). Most marriages start with disavantages, but with a partner for life, couples overcome them and go on to provide for the children and make a life for themselves. If the subject comes up again, maybe you could suggest a long engagement (it takes at least 9 months in my diocese to be married in the Church), it would be a test of their comitment to each other.
 
If they are called for an union by God, let that happen. I personally think that they should discern God’s will first, sign of lasting peace when they think about marriage. I think with His guidence they are free to go. He knows whats ahead of us. They will mature more overtime. I know single parents who manage college and with the help of the grandparents it wouldnt be so horrible. It was an honest question.
I used to have a girlfriend she told me that she wouldnt marry me until she has a degree because she wouldnt want my family name on it. Now I think that their relationship is more mature than that by your claims.
 
I met my husband when I was 19. We married 3 1/2 years later. We were engaged at the 2 1/2 year mark, but he was deployed soon after so we had to wait. Some thought it was about time we got married and others thought it was too soon. I think 19 is a young age to marry, but it is no one’s business but theirs. Has your daughter said anything? My parents knew that we wanted to get married before they were asked.

Also, just because they get engaged, doesn’t mean they will marry within the next few months or a year. I know of a couple who were engaged 2 years before they married.
 
Everyone matures at a different rate, I married at 26, I was immature and stupid,
Should never married at that age, but then, I have met teenage boys that were really mature, if there happy together and you believe there good together, then give your blessing,
 
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This fellow is rare as hens teeth until more young fellows return to their Catholic Faith and open up their Hearts to God. The facts that you have described about his morals and values in addition to being a practicing Catholic and asking you for your Daughters hand in Marriage and based upon what you have explained; I would be hugging him, thanking him and giving your Blessings.

It is a far worse and less than ideal situation for both of them continuing to date and trying to abstain (or not abstain) over the next year or two in comparison to Marriage through the Catholic Church Blessed by The Holy Spirit. I know as a Mother which road I would prefer my Daughter taking! I have prayed for the right young man to come along soon to her (and she is 22 years old).

Snap your future Son In Law up (now)!
 
CorriD said:
But… I just don’t think anyone knows what they want at nineteen. My daughter has little experience with dating. He is her first serious boyfriend, and they’ve only been dating two years. That’s really not a lot of time to decide that you want to be with someone forever.

Plus, they’re both going to be juniors in college next fall.
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Ideally, they would continue dating, graduate, live on their own (each in their own apartment, not with parents) and then get engaged. However, children rarely seem inclined to do what’s ideal. You know them - we don’t. So go with what your feelings, but whatever you do, don’t give ultimatums. They are both now adults and so you need to express your concerns but be ready to listen as much as speak. Keep communicating because however it works out, she’ll always need her dad.

(PS - If they decide to go ahead, it is perfectly possible to continue college and graduate even with a pregnancy. Not ideal, but doable.)
 
Let’s look at some of your concerns:
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CorriD:
I want my daughter to have fun and have dates and not to worry about a husband and baby she has to take care of.
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Supposing she has a baby 2 years from now, well, her life is hardly over. She might not be able to, say, go sightseeing around that time, but she’d still be only 21 or so and having a husband and a baby hardly precludes you from having fun. I guess I’m just not sure how fun factors into this decision. It’s a tradeoff, for sure, but I bet you there’s a lot of older but single Catholic ladies that would gladly pass up a bit of fleeting fun they had in their early 20’s for a chance to find a loving and honorable man to settle down with around that time in their life.
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CorriD:
Plus, they’re both going to be juniors in college next fall.
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Next fall is, what, 3 months away? With Catholic wedding prep being what it is, there’s no way they’re going to get married that fast, let’s be honest. More like 3 months AND 1 year… could even be a year and a half, putting them halfway or so through their senior year. Even assuming she gets pregnant right away, which is possible but not guaranteed, then, you’re looking at, what, finishing her degree during the first 3 months of her pregnancy? Doesn’t sound too bad, honestly.
I’m just worried that if I allow her to marry this guy she’s only dated for two years when she was a teenager, that she’ll come to regret it or end up divorced
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Let’s look again at the way you described this young man:
He’s a good kid, and he is the type of guy I’d like my daughter to marry eventually. He’s a Catholic, a hard worker, and he comes from a great family. He doesn’t drink or smoke, he works full time, and he has a good head on his shoulders. Our whole family enjoys his company and he would be a good edition to our family. Plus, my daughter is very much in love with him, and he seems very much in love with her. He treats her very well and confided in me that he worked three jobs at one point to pay for her a ring in cash.
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As much as you may adore your daughter, in all seriousness, can you imagine her ever finding a guy like THIS again? He sounds like 1 in a million.

They don’t have to get married right away, but I would suggest supporting their engagement. Maybe a good way to get around your fears is to say that if he proposes to your daughter after junior year, then you will fully support a wedding scheduled to occur sometime shortly after graduation?
 
when my husband and I were 20 and 21 we approached our parents to let them know our plans to marry. they told us we were too young and neither set supported the union. several people said if we married so young they would not attend because they viewed it as a mistake to marry so young. A little more than a year later I ended up pregnant (not catholic at the time) and we ended up eloping anyways. I sorely regret the fact that our families didn’t support us and we didn’t get to have a real wedding.
My advice would be to let them marry. It sounds like they are both mature and well grounded in their faiths. Such young people often tend to marry earlier rather than give into sexual desires outside of marriage. Most of the young couples I know who married in their teens did not make it but the big exception is solid Christian couples. they are all doing fine.
 
If you take away the young age from this story you actually have described a mother’s dream come true for her daughter. While you have not stated how your daughter feels if she wants to marry this fine young man you should probably give your consent. I married while in college, as well as several of my classmates, and we have all celebrated our 40th anniversaries.
 
As for what my daughter says, she never told me he was going to ask for my permission so soon or that she planned on marrying hims so young. I had a feeling they would end up married, but I didn’t think it would happen until after college. When I told her that he had asked, she seemed surprised because while they had talked about it before, she didn’t think he was going to ask my permission until Thanksgiving. At the request of the young man, I did not disclose that he had already bought a ring.

His plan, as presented to me, was to propose around Christmas and marry around July 2014. He’s bought the ring but wants to make a student loan payment and save a bit of money before they marry. Summer 2014 would put them one year away from graduation.

I’m just worried that in this job market, even with Bachelor’s degrees, that neither of them will find a job after graduation. He’s studying physics and she’s studying secondary education. Both are pretty marketable, but what if they don’t find jobs in their fields? Am I supposed to let my daughter marry some kid making $9 and hour?

And honestly, with the brain and work ethic my daughter has, I really expected her to be headed to law school. When she started college, she was on a prelaw track but changed to secondary ed. after first semester. One of the reasons she gave me (among others, including the shadiness of politics and the miserable experience she had working for a congressman) was that she wanted to be able to take care of her kids herself, and not drop them off at daycare. I was jsut surprised at that statement because until then I didn’t think that she had given raising a family much thought. I worry that he convinced her of it because that was when they first started dating, but maybe I’m just paranoid.

All in all, like I said, he’s a good guy and a they are a good couple, but I don’t want them to rush into getting married. I just think this is happening far too fast and that if they’re meant to be, he will still be around in two years more years
 
Also, this may be silly, but he lives very far away. They met each other at school, but his hometown is 1000 miles from ours. She lives with me during the summer, and he is up to visit this week. I worry that our family hasn’t spent enough time with him because of this. most of what I know about him, I know because my daughter told me or because I asked when he stayed for a week previously. Besides that week, the only other meetings we’ve had have been dinners or lunches with his family. I just feel like I don’t know him on a personal level.
 
CorriD said:
As for what my daughter says, she never told me he was going to ask for my permission so soon or that she planned on marrying hims so young. I had a feeling they would end up married, but I didn’t think it would happen until after college. When I told her that he had asked, she seemed surprised because while they had talked about it before, she didn’t think he was going to ask my permission until Thanksgiving. At the request of the young man, I did not disclose that he had already bought a ring.

His plan, as presented to me, was to propose around Christmas and marry around July 2014. He’s bought the ring but wants to make a student loan payment and save a bit of money before they marry. Summer 2014 would put them one year away from graduation.

I’m just worried that in this job market, even with Bachelor’s degrees, that neither of them will find a job after graduation. He’s studying physics and she’s studying secondary education. Both are pretty marketable, but what if they don’t find jobs in their fields? **Am I supposed to let **my daughter marry some kid making $9 and hour?

And honestly, with the brain and work ethic my daughter has, I really expected her to be headed to law school. When she started college, she was on a prelaw track but changed to secondary ed. after first semester. One of the reasons she gave me (among others, including the shadiness of politics and the miserable experience she had working for a congressman) was that she wanted to be able to take care of her kids herself, and not drop them off at daycare. I was jsut surprised at that statement because until then I didn’t think that she had given raising a family much thought. I worry that he convinced her of it because that was when they first started dating, but maybe I’m just paranoid.

All in all, like I said, he’s a good guy and a they are a good couple, but I don’t want them to rush into getting married. I just think this is happening far too fast and that if they’re meant to be, he will still be around in two years more years
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While it is nice that he asked for your blessing, they don’t have to have your permission. You don’t own your daughter. If she chooses to marry someone making minimum wage, that isn’t your business. Please don’t be the parent who is all in your kid’s marriage when she does marry. That just puts stress on them that isn’t needed.
Also, what is so bad about her wanting to raise her kids? I think you are paranoid in that aspect. Remember, a Catholic marriage is supposed to be open to kiddos.
 
CorriD said:
…
I’m just worried that in this job market, even with Bachelor’s degrees, that neither of them will find a job after graduation. He’s studying physics and she’s studying secondary education. Both are pretty marketable, but what if they don’t find jobs in their fields? Am I supposed to let my daughter marry some kid making $9 and hour? …
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yes. and he’s not a kid.

how closely are you planning on monitoring the rest of their marital affairs?
 
CorriD said:
As for what my daughter says, she never told me he was going to ask for my permission so soon or that she planned on marrying hims so young. I had a feeling they would end up married, but I didn’t think it would happen until after college. When I told her that he had asked, she seemed surprised because while they had talked about it before, she didn’t think he was going to ask my permission until Thanksgiving. At the request of the young man, I did not disclose that he had already bought a ring.

His plan, as presented to me, was to propose around Christmas and marry around July 2014. He’s bought the ring but wants to make a student loan payment and save a bit of money before they marry. Summer 2014 would put them one year away from graduation.

I’m just worried that in this job market, even with Bachelor’s degrees, that neither of them will find a job after graduation. He’s studying physics and she’s studying secondary education. Both are pretty marketable, but what if they don’t find jobs in their fields? Am I supposed to let my daughter marry some kid making $9 and hour?

And honestly, with the brain and work ethic my daughter has, I really expected her to be headed to law school. When she started college, she was on a prelaw track but changed to secondary ed. after first semester. One of the reasons she gave me (among others, including the shadiness of politics and the miserable experience she had working for a congressman) was that she wanted to be able to take care of her kids herself, and not drop them off at daycare. I was jsut surprised at that statement because until then I didn’t think that she had given raising a family much thought. I worry that he convinced her of it because that was when they first started dating, but maybe I’m just paranoid.

All in all, like I said, he’s a good guy and a they are a good couple, but I don’t want them to rush into getting married. I just think this is happening far too fast and that if they’re meant to be, he will still be around in two years more years
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Sounds like you had a plan for your daughter’s future and this wasn’t it. Surprise! She has her own ideas about what she wants out of life!

I pray to God that you have not suggested that they shack up before marriage. You said you would rather they do that than marry so young. What a terrible way to think about your daughter’s choices! Fornication outside of marriage is a mortal sin, you do realize that don’t you? Her boyfriend, from what you have said, is an honorable young man who would likely be quite insulted at that suggestion, that he take advantage of your daughter before marrying her. It is like pimping out your daughter because you want her life to go a certain way that includes a law degree that she no longer wants.

Go to an Adoration chapel and pray for the grace to let go of your own plans for your daughter’s life.

By the way, how does your wife feel about this?
 
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