Too young to marry?

[Kelfa28]

As for what my daughter says, she never told me he was going to ask for my permission so soon or that she planned on marrying hims so young. I had a feeling they would end up married, but I didn’t think it would happen until after college. When I told her that he had asked, she seemed surprised because while they had talked about it before, she didn’t think he was going to ask my permission until Thanksgiving. At the request of the young man, I did not disclose that he had already bought a ring.

His plan, as presented to me, was to propose around Christmas and marry around July 2014. He’s bought the ring but wants to make a student loan payment and save a bit of money before they marry. Summer 2014 would put them one year away from graduation.

I’m just worried that in this job market, even with Bachelor’s degrees, that neither of them will find a job after graduation. He’s studying physics and she’s studying secondary education. Both are pretty marketable, but what if they don’t find jobs in their fields? Am I supposed to let my daughter marry some kid making $9 and hour?

And honestly, with the brain and work ethic my daughter has, I really expected her to be headed to law school. When she started college, she was on a prelaw track but changed to secondary ed. after first semester. One of the reasons she gave me (among others, including the shadiness of politics and the miserable experience she had working for a congressman) was that she wanted to be able to take care of her kids herself, and not drop them off at daycare. I was jsut surprised at that statement because until then I didn’t think that she had given raising a family much thought. I worry that he convinced her of it because that was when they first started dating, but maybe I’m just paranoid.

All in all, like I said, he’s a good guy and a they are a good couple, but I don’t want them to rush into getting married. I just think this is happening far too fast and that if they’re meant to be, he will still be around in two years more years

So, they build their lives together? What’s wrong with that?

It seems to me that you have this plan for your daughter that you thought out in your head. Since it’s not coming together according to your plans…you have severe reservations.

Graduate degrees, law school, marriage at a later age, wait to have kids (if I’m reading that right).

Life happens, people lose their jobs, even after earning master’s degrees, and go back to delivering pizza.
That was exactly what happened to my dad. My mom went back to work with barely an associate’s degree and paid the mortgage.

My husband and I were almost earning 6 figures combined before we got married. Neither of us had college degrees. Just really good jobs we worked hard at.
Then we got married and bought a house.
I quite work to raise my daughter at home and out of the blue…hubby gets laid off less then 6 months after we bought our house.


So, we picked our jaws off the floor and my husband went into landscaping and makes half of what he was earning before. We make it work…somehow…but were praying for a better deal and a better opportunity soon.

We were 27 when we got married and supposedly had our ducks in a row. But, we still have aces up our sleeves…free college thanks to the military. We’ll be taking advantage of that next year…if everything works out.

While I would say they may be too young for marriage…I don’t know them. If they are responsible young adults…they may be more then ready to tackle a marriage. Personally, I’d rather my daughter marry the guy who works 3 minimum wage jobs and knows the value of a dollar then the guy who coasts through college on loads of student loan debt, living in the dorms with no experience paying bills or taking personal responsibility.

But…hey! He’s got that precious BA! That’s all that matters right?

I wouldn’t get so wrapped up in the lifestyle you dreamed for your daughter and caution against her marrying at a young age because she doesn’t seem to have that lifestyle yet.

If a nice young man approached me at the age of 19 asking for my daughter’s hand…I’d ask him to describe to me exactly what marriage means to him.
I will be specifically looking for one word…“sacrifice.”

If he knows that marriage is about sacrifice and can tell me what it means to have sacrificial love…then I will know he is fairly ready.

 

[Kelfa28]

Sounds like you had a plan for your daughter’s future and this wasn’t it. Surprise! She has her own ideas about what she wants out of life!

I pray to God that you have not suggested that they shack up before marriage. You said you would rather they do that than marry so young. What a terrible way to think about your daughter’s choices! Fornication outside of marriage is a mortal sin, you do realize that don’t you? Her boyfriend, from what you have said, is an honorable young man who would likely be quite insulted at that suggestion, that he take advantage of your daughter before marrying her. It is like pimping out your daughter because you want her life to go a certain way that includes a law degree that she no longer wants.

Go to an Adoration chapel and pray for the grace to let go of your own plans for your daughter’s life.

By the way, how does your wife feel about this?

I didn’t even see that.

Whoa…what a delightful way to encourage your daughter to start out in life.

If anything I’d rather them get married at 19 then shack up for 5-6 years until their under-grads, graduate…oh heck…why not through a Ph D into the mix and make it 10-15 years before they marry.

Open the door to fornication and contraception.
All of this sin in order to find that perfect lifestyle.

 

[tapiocapudding]

My Dad, like you was hopeful I would head off to medical school instead of marrying young and being a housewife. I am MUCH happier raising my family than I would be in medical school! It’s hard when your kids grow up I’m sure but it’s her time to fly now, Dad. It seems likely that this is the path she’s chosen so why not give your blessing? I never thought about kids before 19 or so but once I got serious with my now husband I starting desiring to stay home and raise them after marriage. we are not well off to be sure, but we have everything we need and that’s quite enough to be happy!
FWIW a great many of my friends have successfully continued with education after they had children, once their kids were a little older. I have a friend right now who has a 5 and 9 year old and is off to law school next year!

 

[Warandpeace]

The only red flag I see is that they have not lived in the same place. She does need to see that he is upright daily, with friends, etc.

(I know people who have graduated from law school and are unemployed. Education, while less lucrative, has more job security. As for physics, sounds like he is on the professor track)

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I didn’t even see that.

Whoa…what a delightful way to encourage your daughter to start out in life.

If anything I’d rather them get married at 19 then shack up for 5-6 years until their under-grads, graduate…oh heck…why not through a Ph D into the mix and make it 10-15 years before they marry.

Open the door to fornication and contraception.
All of this sin in order to find that perfect lifestyle.

I know, it makes me very sad to read that. I also shacked up with my husband before we married, and I regret that deeply, and I believe it has affected the foundation of our marriage. The statistics show that people who live together without being married have a higher rate of divorce than those who don’t. Plus, it’s a mortal sin to have sex outside of marriage.

I would be deeply disappointed if one of my sons decided to forgo marriage to “play married” with a girl. It would affect our relationship in a negative way. I would NEVER recommend it. If you are going to shack up, you should just get married. If you’re not ready for marriage, then it’s off the table to play house.

 

[SamH]

I know, it makes me very sad to read that. I also shacked up with my husband before we married, and I regret that deeply, and I believe it has affected the foundation of our marriage. The statistics show that people who live together without being married have a higher rate of divorce than those who don’t. Plus, it’s a mortal sin to have sex outside of marriage…

Most people think it is the opposite - but its actually much higher than the “50%” claim most toss around.

 

[Kelfa28]

I know, it makes me very sad to read that. I also shacked up with my husband before we married, and I regret that deeply, and I believe it has affected the foundation of our marriage. The statistics show that people who live together without being married have a higher rate of divorce than those who don’t. Plus, it’s a mortal sin to have sex outside of marriage.

I would be deeply disappointed if one of my sons decided to forgo marriage to “play married” with a girl. It would affect our relationship in a negative way. I would NEVER recommend it. If you are going to shack up, you should just get married. If you’re not ready for marriage, then it’s off the table to play house.

Hubby and I did too.

We periodically moved out and moved back in thanks to several military engagements that occurred.

It’s also something I seriously regret. Our relationship was not sunshine and rainbows when we were living together.

We are still really newly married. I pray we don’t run into issues thanks to our history of fornication and cohabitation. We have the Church and a sacramental marriage. It’s done wonders for us. I think both of us converting saved our relationship big time. It changed everything we thought about each other.

We also didn’t rely on contraception that much either. Only for about a year of our five year relationship (we were away from each other so much). That helped us too.

One of the toughest things` for our relationship to deal with was our parents having no issue with us living together. They encouraged it!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hubby and I did too.

We periodically moved out and moved back in thanks to several military engagements that occurred.

It’s also something I seriously regret. Our relationship was not sunshine and rainbows when we were living together.

We are still really newly married. I pray we don’t run into issues thanks to our history of fornication and cohabitation. We have the Church and a sacramental marriage. It’s done wonders for us. I think both of us converting saved our relationship big time. It changed everything we thought about each other.

We also didn’t rely on contraception that much either. Only for about a year of our five year relationship (we were away from each other so much). That helped us too.

One of the toughest things` for our relationship to deal with was our parents having no issue with us living together. They encouraged it!

I think, since you are both Catholics, that you are now building your foundation on rock and not sand. Of course our situation was worse given that we were both lapsed when we married civilly. In fact, our life together is a miracle, given the circumstances. We had every strike against us. But God is merciful!

 

[CorriD]

I haven’t suggested that they move in together first. My daughter has made it clear to me that she has an obvious distaste for living together and having sex before marriage. And I know it wouldn’t fly with her boyfriend, either. His parents are very conservative.

To be honest, I haven’t yet told my wife. She has a tendency to fly off the handle sometimes, and I dont’ want her giving my daughter an ultimatum or forbidding her to see him. I will tell her soon, but I expect that if I brreak it to her gently, she will be on my side. (We didn’t marry until I was 33 and she was 25, which was about a year after my daughter was born. Oops.)

My daughter, when I told her all that had happened, didn’t throw a fit, but urged me to consider that they were not going to living together before they were married, that with her scholarships her tuition is absurdly low anyways, that health insurance is available through the school, and that she wasn’t interested in drinking and partying scene that most kids are involved in at her school. (she sometimes calls her college “daycare for adolescents”) I still worry about her missing out on a “normal” college and young adulthood experience.

I know I’ve had problems letting go in the past, but I think this time is different. If he really loves her as much as he says he does, wouldn’t he want her to get her degree first? Wouldn’t he want her to wait a few years?

 

[aeroengr]

I asked my wife to marry me when she was just 19 ( I was 23). Now, 9 years later, we’re happily married with 3 beautiful daughters. Personally, I don’t think its the physical age that matters, but the maturity.

 

[CorriD]

And as for the person who said that they don’t spend much time together:
They go to a school where they live about ten minutes from each other. They compete on the same sports team and go to Mass together. The only times they don’t always seen each other every day is during the summer and school vacations.

They have also both said that they will not move forward with the marriage until they have our approval… I think that’s a good sign.

 

[Fairwinds]

…

They have also both said that they will not move forward with the marriage until they have our approval… I think that’s a good sign.

for the sake of their marriage, I wonder about that.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I haven’t suggested that they move in together first. My daughter has made it clear to me that she has an obvious distaste for living together and having sex before marriage. And I know it wouldn’t fly with her boyfriend, either. His parents are very conservative.

To be honest, I haven’t yet told my wife. She has a tendency to fly off the handle sometimes, and I dont’ want her giving my daughter an ultimatum or forbidding her to see him. I will tell her soon, but I expect that if I brreak it to her gently, she will be on my side. (We didn’t marry until I was 33 and she was 25, which was about a year after my daughter was born. Oops.)

My daughter, when I told her all that had happened, didn’t throw a fit, but urged me to consider that they were not going to living together before they were married, that with her scholarships her tuition is absurdly low anyways, that health insurance is available through the school, and that she wasn’t interested in drinking and partying scene that most kids are involved in at her school. (she sometimes calls her college “daycare for adolescents”) I still worry about her missing out on a “normal” college and young adulthood experience.

I know I’ve had problems letting go in the past, but I think this time is different. If he really loves her as much as he says he does, wouldn’t he want her to get her degree first? Wouldn’t he want her to wait a few years?

Got a newsflash for your wife - she can’t forbid your daughter to see her intended. At 18, your daughter is considered adult enough to live on her own. You say if you break it to her gently she will likely be on your side? What is your side, since you would prefer that your daughter and boyfriend shack up before marriage? Are you saying that your wife will throw a conniption and try to interfere in their relationship? Boy your daughter has every reason to just go ahead and live her life the way she sees fit, doesn’t she?

You have a situation most parents would be over the moon about. Two young people who are planning to marry and have children. The young man is honorable and hard working, and has enough integrity to come to you to ask for the hand of your daughter in marriage. That alone speaks very well of him. Yet you would rather they shack up, and your wife will pitch her own fit once she hears that - gasp - these 2 young people want to marry and create a family.

They’re more mature than you are, Dad.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

And as for the person who said that they don’t spend much time together:
They go to a school where they live about ten minutes from each other. They compete on the same sports team and go to Mass together. The only times they don’t always seen each other every day is during the summer and school vacations.

They have also both said that they will not move forward with the marriage until they have our approval… I think that’s a good sign.

Nope, not a good sign. You just might cause them to break up.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

I was married at 19. He was 20. We are still married 15 years later. I would love for my daughter to meet a man like yours has. Can’t they go on this adventure of marriage together? Make their own mistakes, share their own joys?

 

[Rico_S]

What is your side, since you would prefer that your daughter and boyfriend shack up before marriage?

You keep on saying this and I cannot find anywhere where he says this. He even specifically said he doesn’t want this and yet you still go on?!! It is like a little blood in the water and the CAF sharks go into some sort of frenzy!

 

[mommamaree]

It is unreasonable to expect them to wait until you are ready. If they are ready and they are of age, that is enough.

My husband and I married at 19. We have been married over 15 years now. We are very happy in our marriage, and by the grace of God, growing happier every year, despite whatever challenges we face together.

Edited to add: We married against the expressed wishes of our parents. We had to elope because no one would support our marriage. They even tried repeatedly to break us up, and forbid us to see each other. Because of our parents’ interference and refusal to accept that we were adults, we quickly learned not to trust them or their advice. They were not present at our exchanging of vows, and that is something that, once done, can never be put right again.

 

[EasterJoy]

for the sake of their marriage, I wonder about that.

They’re 19, so it is still appropriate to believe your parents may know better about what you ought to do than you do.

 

[Kelfa28]

I was married at 19. He was 20. We are still married 15 years later. I would love for my daughter to meet a man like yours has. Can’t they go on this adventure of marriage together? Make their own mistakes, share their own joys?

This.

Why not let them marry? Why not let them build their lives together and make decisions for themselves?

Why the need to control everything your daughter does?

She’s an adult. He’s an adult. Why can’t they make an adult decision? They both seem like they are very mature for their age based on what you’ve wrote.

Yes, it’s tough letting your daughter go. I can imagine. I have a 15 month old daughter and another daughter on the way. But I can tell you one thing…I would be over the moon if my daughter’s boyfriend was kind enough to ask for her hand in marriage and had every intention to wait to have a sacramental marriage that included waiting to move in together and, more importantly, waiting to have sex.
I would know that this young man deserves my daughter…because he has treated her with so much respect.

Of course I’d give my consent…and as long as my husband was okay (he’d probably want a sit down with the young man in question)…we’d be delighted to give our consent.

 

[EasterJoy]

You keep on saying this and I cannot find anywhere where he says this. He even specifically said he doesn’t want this and yet you still go on?!! It is like a little blood in the water and the CAF sharks go into some sort of frenzy!

He wrote this in the original post:

… As much as I hate to admit it, I’d rather they move in together for a year or two and then revisit the idea of marriage. I lived with my wife before we were married and we’ve been together eighteen years (we married a year after my daughter was born)…

Of course, the OP has to consider what would have happened if he had decided he was “a different person” after his daughter was born.