L
lovemybatman
Guest
I have a long and complicated story to tell; thank you in advance for all who read and respond. It is very much appreciated. I post this with the hope that an objective reader will be able to spot something I am missing within my problem. I am very desperate for advice, support and any direction. :bighanky:
I have recently “put on pause” my relationship with my boyfriend of 1 year. (“Taking a break” is the more common term, though we still consider ourselves together.) We did this because of several reasons: we both had a “feeling” that something was “off” or not right, we are both very busy and our relationship is long distance–we both need to focus on school and work–it’s his first year of college, and my senior year; and…I have had thoughts for 2 years now about becoming a nun. Not always a nun, specifically, perhaps “the single life”. It put him in much emotional pain to have to deal with my uncertainty in the past several months after I informed him of my own uncertainty about what I wanted for the future, and after an incident two weeks ago we talked and decided to “take a break.” I partly did this out of love for him because it seems so unfair for me to put him in this position.
Okay. Here are the complications. I am absolutely in love with him. As in, he is my first love. (I’m 21, he’s 18.) Our relationship was intense, beautiful, all-consuming. Every tiny thing, from holding hands to words of love, felt completely new. We swore we were the same person, spent all our time together when we could, preferring each other’s company over others’, when I was home for college breaks. We often disagreed but never argued. I felt and still feel such love for him. He is the only person about whom I have ever felt this way. It was love at first sight and at first meeting. I still feel in my heart a love for him that I am convinced is irrevocable. It’s rock-solid. He is the only person I have ever known whom I truly feel the capacity to love. I have problems with empathy/relating to people and problems with caring for others, even my own family. He sends these problems out the window. He tears down my reason and my pride. He got sick this summer and was in the hospital for one night because he had surgery. I stayed with him and cared for him that night, and it was one of the most wonderful nights we ever spent together (not so much physically for him of course)…it was a shocking and pure joy to care for him. We slept a little but then talked until the sun came up about our love and how we felt. I derive little to no joy from helping others, except him. I could spend my whole life, far into old age, experiencing the pure joy that is caring for him in any way he needs or wants.
But I still feel something is missing.
He treated me like every woman deserves,. He never criticized me, never put me down in any way, always respected me, was unfailingly loving and kind. He is intensely creative, a talented artist and true noncomformist, a lover of art and music with his own brain and opinions. He reads books. He has character–he does what he says he will do. He keeps his promises. He knows how to work hard. He respects women. We had a beautiful summer full of music and dancing and traveling together. He isn’t perfect and has a lot of maturing left to do, but this makes him charming and he is still an extraordinary person.
He isn’t Catholic. He has no interest in becoming a Catholic and no desire to follow God with me. He was brought up by fundamentalist Protestant parents who essentially ruined Christianity for him. He told me how he tried for years to follow God but gave up. He says he wants to be his own god or for me to be his god. Sometimes he would scare me with his words of “I am not from here” or claiming to know things about the afterlife and that our relationship would be eternal and that he could astral project and see auras. I worried that he was some sort of evil spirit in disguise sent to lead me away from God.
He has far better morals than the average non-Christian young man, but…still. He has also had gender identity issues which I think stemmed from trying to deal with his not fitting in remotely to what our society considers masculine and acceptable. He likes to cross dress, loves feminine everything, elevates women to a higher degree than men, and is what you would call a “goth.” But is %100 percent heterosexual and attracted to women. There are other things which for reasons of privacy I would prefer not to go into but they are of a sexual nature. After meeting him I discovered that this was a huge part of my sexuality I hadn’t understood before. We fit so well in that area. Unfortunately, we have been inappropriately sexual (we try not to be), but have not slept together and have no plans to until marriage (both of us). I think that these habits of cross-dressing and such for sexual purposes are fine within marriage. But I still worry.
Anyways, he has had many issues with God and faith and Christanity. He rejects it though I know deep down he wants it, he hungers for God like we all do though he has admitted maybe only once. He admires me for my faith in Catholicism because he feels he can never get there, and that he is not meant for it, is doomed, etc. (I have experienced this feeling as well.) He has attractions to things like crimes and gangs and has stolen in the past; he’s young enough to be still going through these sorts of identity phases and some of it is scary and stressful for me. For him, my faith does not come between us. For me, his lack of faith and a strong spirituality does. I feel like he can never completely understand me if he does not share my faith. I feel as if there is a part of me locked away from him and that this is not right for two potential marriage partners to have. I feel as if “our big difference” will cause too much conflict and destroy our happiness, and that there is a spiritual plane we would never be able to reach together. I feel as if I can’t handle the stress of sharing a life with someone who does not have the same beliefs as me. We share a lot of values, good and not so good, but not the same religious beliefs. We have never argued but we have had unpleasant talks about the subject. I tend to get defensive. But in general I just deal with the discomfort and move on. I am trying to attain the goal of example instead of words.
(continued below)
I have recently “put on pause” my relationship with my boyfriend of 1 year. (“Taking a break” is the more common term, though we still consider ourselves together.) We did this because of several reasons: we both had a “feeling” that something was “off” or not right, we are both very busy and our relationship is long distance–we both need to focus on school and work–it’s his first year of college, and my senior year; and…I have had thoughts for 2 years now about becoming a nun. Not always a nun, specifically, perhaps “the single life”. It put him in much emotional pain to have to deal with my uncertainty in the past several months after I informed him of my own uncertainty about what I wanted for the future, and after an incident two weeks ago we talked and decided to “take a break.” I partly did this out of love for him because it seems so unfair for me to put him in this position.
Okay. Here are the complications. I am absolutely in love with him. As in, he is my first love. (I’m 21, he’s 18.) Our relationship was intense, beautiful, all-consuming. Every tiny thing, from holding hands to words of love, felt completely new. We swore we were the same person, spent all our time together when we could, preferring each other’s company over others’, when I was home for college breaks. We often disagreed but never argued. I felt and still feel such love for him. He is the only person about whom I have ever felt this way. It was love at first sight and at first meeting. I still feel in my heart a love for him that I am convinced is irrevocable. It’s rock-solid. He is the only person I have ever known whom I truly feel the capacity to love. I have problems with empathy/relating to people and problems with caring for others, even my own family. He sends these problems out the window. He tears down my reason and my pride. He got sick this summer and was in the hospital for one night because he had surgery. I stayed with him and cared for him that night, and it was one of the most wonderful nights we ever spent together (not so much physically for him of course)…it was a shocking and pure joy to care for him. We slept a little but then talked until the sun came up about our love and how we felt. I derive little to no joy from helping others, except him. I could spend my whole life, far into old age, experiencing the pure joy that is caring for him in any way he needs or wants.
But I still feel something is missing.
He treated me like every woman deserves,. He never criticized me, never put me down in any way, always respected me, was unfailingly loving and kind. He is intensely creative, a talented artist and true noncomformist, a lover of art and music with his own brain and opinions. He reads books. He has character–he does what he says he will do. He keeps his promises. He knows how to work hard. He respects women. We had a beautiful summer full of music and dancing and traveling together. He isn’t perfect and has a lot of maturing left to do, but this makes him charming and he is still an extraordinary person.
He isn’t Catholic. He has no interest in becoming a Catholic and no desire to follow God with me. He was brought up by fundamentalist Protestant parents who essentially ruined Christianity for him. He told me how he tried for years to follow God but gave up. He says he wants to be his own god or for me to be his god. Sometimes he would scare me with his words of “I am not from here” or claiming to know things about the afterlife and that our relationship would be eternal and that he could astral project and see auras. I worried that he was some sort of evil spirit in disguise sent to lead me away from God.
He has far better morals than the average non-Christian young man, but…still. He has also had gender identity issues which I think stemmed from trying to deal with his not fitting in remotely to what our society considers masculine and acceptable. He likes to cross dress, loves feminine everything, elevates women to a higher degree than men, and is what you would call a “goth.” But is %100 percent heterosexual and attracted to women. There are other things which for reasons of privacy I would prefer not to go into but they are of a sexual nature. After meeting him I discovered that this was a huge part of my sexuality I hadn’t understood before. We fit so well in that area. Unfortunately, we have been inappropriately sexual (we try not to be), but have not slept together and have no plans to until marriage (both of us). I think that these habits of cross-dressing and such for sexual purposes are fine within marriage. But I still worry.
Anyways, he has had many issues with God and faith and Christanity. He rejects it though I know deep down he wants it, he hungers for God like we all do though he has admitted maybe only once. He admires me for my faith in Catholicism because he feels he can never get there, and that he is not meant for it, is doomed, etc. (I have experienced this feeling as well.) He has attractions to things like crimes and gangs and has stolen in the past; he’s young enough to be still going through these sorts of identity phases and some of it is scary and stressful for me. For him, my faith does not come between us. For me, his lack of faith and a strong spirituality does. I feel like he can never completely understand me if he does not share my faith. I feel as if there is a part of me locked away from him and that this is not right for two potential marriage partners to have. I feel as if “our big difference” will cause too much conflict and destroy our happiness, and that there is a spiritual plane we would never be able to reach together. I feel as if I can’t handle the stress of sharing a life with someone who does not have the same beliefs as me. We share a lot of values, good and not so good, but not the same religious beliefs. We have never argued but we have had unpleasant talks about the subject. I tend to get defensive. But in general I just deal with the discomfort and move on. I am trying to attain the goal of example instead of words.
(continued below)
