Toxic friends

[Catholicracer]

How do you get over a toxic friend? This girl and I have been friends for awhile and she plays me. Like one time she told me she really liked me and we became gf and bf then the next morning I called her and she broke it off. And some other stuff like that. I know I need to stop talking to her but its so hard. Why is it so hard to stop talking to a girl that I know hurts me? What can I do to stop thinking about her?

 

[whatevergirl]

How do you get over a toxic friend? This girl and I have been friends for awhile and she plays me. Like one time she told me she really liked me and we became gf and bf then the next morning I called her and she broke it off. And some other stuff like that. I know I need to stop talking to her but its so hard. Why is it so hard to stop talking to a girl that I know hurts me? What can I do to stop thinking about her?

Hi CR!

I’m sorry you’re ‘friend’ is hurting you like this. I have had my fair share of toxic friends, and what has helped me in times past, is knowing that a true friend wouldn’t hurt me. That is the bold face truth. Love doesn’t hurt, and friends don’t hurt others they care about. Now, granted, two people who care about each CAN HAVE AN ARGUMENT, and maybe say some things that are not nice to one another. There’s a difference between ‘playing someone’ and having arguments now and again with a friend, etc.
If she intentionally likes to play with your emotions–she’s not a friend…AT ALL. She has issues, and gets a kick out of hurting guys as part of them. I would tell her how you feel…honesty is the best policy. I would say–you know, I don’t like when you treat me like this, and if it continues, I don’t see how we’ll be able to be friends. See what her reaction is–if she gets huffy…say, I have to go now. Never know–she might just change.

 

[Catholicracer]

Hi CR!

I’m sorry you’re ‘friend’ is hurting you like this. I have had my fair share of toxic friends, and what has helped me in times past, is knowing that a true friend wouldn’t hurt me. That is the bold face truth. Love doesn’t hurt, and friends don’t hurt others they care about. Now, granted, two people who care about each CAN HAVE AN ARGUMENT, and maybe say some things that are not nice to one another. There’s a difference between ‘playing someone’ and having arguments now and again with a friend, etc.
If she intentionally likes to play with your emotions–she’s not a friend…AT ALL. She has issues, and gets a kick out of hurting guys as part of them. I would tell her how you feel…honesty is the best policy. I would say–you know, I don’t like when you treat me like this, and if it continues, I don’t see how we’ll be able to be friends. See what her reaction is–if she gets huffy…say, I have to go now. Never know–she might just change.

I have tryied talking to her about it but it just turns in to a big arguement everytime (which according to her its all my faulit) I am the only that calls or emails her she never calls or emails me just text messages. Its always been a one sided realationship. She says she just busy with college but all my friends are in college and they still call me and email me and hang out. One of my friends tells me to leave her alone cos she hurts me. I just so scared of being alone

 

[whatevergirl]

I have tryied talking to her about it but it just turns in to a big arguement everytime (which according to her its all my faulit) I am the only that calls or emails her she never calls or emails me just text messages. Its always been a one sided realationship. She says she just busy with college but all my friends are in college and they still call me and email me and hang out. One of my friends tells me to leave her alone cos she hurts me. I just so scared of being alone

Like I tell my female friends who are single–I will also suggest to you–don’t ever settle. It really is better to remain alone, than be with someone who does not have your best interest at heart. You sound like you have feelings for her, more than just a friend–and maybe she doesn’t understand that–possibly, or maybe she doesn’t share those same romantic feelings, and thus–is taking a meaner route. I can’t say I have always been kind to guys back in college days…or high school days. Sometimes, girls can give a cold shoulder if they are not interested, but either way–if she is your friend, she should be kind. If she leaves you feeling sad, and hurt–it might be better to set your sights elsewhere.

Repeat after me…*I will not settle for people who hurt me. Being alone is not the worst thing–and I would rather be alone, than be with someone who hurts me. Jesus, please comfort me when I am feeling alone, and lonely. * I know it can be difficult. My sister is divorced, and tells me that after dating a series of men–how she is ‘scared to be alone.’ So, I know that it can be scary, but Jesus is there. We truly are never alone, and He would not want you or my sister or anyone else to settle. Pray for your friend that she becomes kinder…but in the meantime…don’t let being alone right now, get you down. ((hugs)) to you. I am sorry you’re feeling blue.

 

[Catholicracer]

Thanks for your help!

 

[chevalier]

Ha, Catholicracer, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And racers are tough guys. Taking a curve at 125 mph on handbrake does make a thing or two for one’s character, nope?

Seriously, though, while stormy relationships are sometimes those which are the most rewarding, and becoming a couple and breaking it off the following day, while remaining on conversant terms and getting further closer together does sound like one of such relationships, there’s a difference whether she has a stormy character or if she simply plays you. And if she plays you, she may do so intentionally or unintentionally.

If it’s a stormy relationship, there’s nothing I can help you with, friend, I’m afraid. Now if she plays you, have nothing to do with it. If she plays you unintentionally, a good, heartfelt talk can fix such things. If she plays you intentionally, she needs to grow up a bit. And chances are she isn’t the girl for you.

You like her for certain qualities, don’t you? But you don’t want to be played - what you’re posting here is the highest proof to that. That girl is not the end of the world and there will be much more, both in terms of friends and potential girlfriends. You don’t really have to put up with bad treatment for the sake of something bigger since that bigger thing you can also find somewhere else and with that girl, it’s highly uncertain anyway. So, all in all, I think you need to take her with a pinch of salt and develop some distance. Fight signs (and roots too) of unhealthy dependencies and realise you’re not dependent on her in any way you couldn’t cut.

And be tough.

 

[puzzleannie]

sounds like both OP and gf need to first learn about friendship, what it is, what it is not, and how to be a good friend to persons of either gender, before they worry about bf/gf, dating, or other relationships. that is the primary task of adolescence, along with forming your own identity, and too early dating and exclusive relationships damage and hinder that growth process.

 

[kage_ar]

sounds like both OP and gf need to first learn about friendship, what it is, what it is not, and how to be a good friend to persons of either gender, before they worry about bf/gf, dating, or other relationships. that is the primary task of adolescence, along with forming your own identity, and too early dating and exclusive relationships damage and hinder that growth process.

AMEN AMEN.

Also, I would not call a young lady who is created in the image and likeness of God “toxic”. She may do things that hurt you, that does not change that we should treat our fellow man with respect and dignity.

Sounds like you do need to take some time and learn who you are as a person, work on your Spiritual life.

 

[Catholicracer]

AMEN AMEN.

Also, I would not call a young lady who is created in the image and likeness of God “toxic”. She may do things that hurt you, that does not change that we should treat our fellow man with respect and dignity.

Sounds like you do need to take some time and learn who you are as a person, work on your Spiritual life.

I was not calling her toxic I was calling the way she acts toxic

 

[Norseman82]

Remember, the OP is a healthy 21-yo male, so what may work for females may not work for males.

.

Also, I would not call a young lady who is created in the image and likeness of God “toxic”. She may do things that hurt you, that does not change that we should treat our fellow man with respect and dignity.

Why not? If it’s true, it’s true, and “toxic” is the commonly accepted term for certain people. And read St. Paul’s epistle to Titus - he had some harsh words for Cretans, unless you are going to tell him as well, “Now, now, it’s not nice to call Cretans that, you are not treating them with respect and dignity”. And Jesus called pharisees “brood of vipers”.

.
Sounds like you do need to take some time and learn who you are as a person, work on your Spiritual life.

Why is it that when someone has relationship troubles, we assume that there is something wrong with their spiritual life?

What can I do to stop thinking about her?

Short “guy” answer: cold showers and hit the weights.

Longer answer: Although I normally don’t buy into the whole “you’re better off alone” philosophy (since I too am a healthy male who is not “over-the-hill”), if you don’t like being hurt but don’t want to be alone, find someone better (I know, easier said than done, as I’m living proof). Or stand up to her.

 

[Linda_Marie]

My youngest son had a girlfriend like this. They broke up but she kept stringing him along. The last time she called him, she told him she wanted to get back together with him and they went out. He was so happy, you could see him just sort of glow. He had never wanted to break up. Sometime during the evening, she told him that she didn’t really want to get back together. She had a bet on with her girlfriends to see who could ‘get’ the most guys in a week. Apparently, she said some other extremely hurtful things that he didn’t eleborate on. My son leads with his heart so this hit him really hard. He went to a bar and got completely drunk (drinking age is 18 here) and then went on a rampage down an alley, knocking over rubbish bins, including a dumpster and capped the evening with putting his fist through a shop window. His mates got him to hospital before he bled to death. He was lucky to have missed severing any tendons. We narrowly averted him being charged by the police for causing the damage, while we paid for the window to be replaced.

This girl is not your friend. If she were, she would contact you. Do not call her again. Do not email her. Do not text message. Make some new friends who value you. This girl does not and if you keep running after her, she will hurt you worse than she has already. This girl is worse than being alone. Besides, she is not your girlfriend and you are not ‘with her’ now so even with her in the picture, you are alone. If it takes a ton of bricks to fall on your head to get it through your skull that she doesn’t care for you, it could end very badly for you, like it did for my son.

Moreover, you are only 21. You are not over the hill or past it. There is no need for you to settle for anyone yet. Just let her go. Think in the long term. Do you really want to be saddled with someone who treats you like this for the rest of your life? Your obsession with this girl is blinding you to everyone else. Relax. The girl for you is out there. Just be patient. You’ll find her.

 

[whatevergirl]

My youngest son had a girlfriend like this. They broke up but she kept stringing him along. The last time she called him, she told him she wanted to get back together with him and they went out. He was so happy, you could see him just sort of glow. He had never wanted to break up. Sometime during the evening, she told him that she didn’t really want to get back together. She had a bet on with her girlfriends to see who could ‘get’ the most guys in a week. Apparently, she said some other extremely hurtful things that he didn’t eleborate on. My son leads with his heart so this hit him really hard. He went to a bar and got completely drunk (drinking age is 18 here) and then went on a rampage down an alley, knocking over rubbish bins, including a dumpster and capped the evening with putting his fist through a shop window. His mates got him to hospital before he bled to death. He was lucky to have missed severing any tendons. We narrowly averted him being charged by the police for causing the damage, while we paid for the window to be replaced.

This girl is not your friend. If she were, she would contact you. Do not call her again. Do not email her. Do not text message. Make some new friends who value you. This girl does not and if you keep running after her, she will hurt you worse than she has already. This girl is worse than being alone. Besides, she is not your girlfriend and you are not ‘with her’ now so even with her in the picture, you are alone. If it takes a ton of bricks to fall on your head to get it through your skull that she doesn’t care for you, it could end very badly for you, like it did for my son.

Moreover, you are only 21. You are not over the hill or past it. There is no need for you to settle for anyone yet. Just let her go. Think in the long term. Do you really want to be saddled with someone who treats you like this for the rest of your life? Your obsession with this girl is blinding you to everyone else. Relax. The girl for you is out there. Just be patient. You’ll find her.

Excellent advice. And, I am sorry that your son did that --I have known girls like this back in high school/college days…even grown women who behave this way–and my advice is likewise…just move on…as I said above, friends don’t intentionally hurt friends. I feel sorry for girls too who act like this, because they are lacking confidence, etc to behave in such ways. They too are in need of prayers for change.

 

[kage_ar]

Norseman -

We are commanded over and over and over to love our enemies, to forgive, turn the other cheek, to bear wrongs patiently. Matt 5:22 is very clear “whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna”.

Just because Dr. Phil uses a phrase does not make it the Christian thing to do. All of us, even our younger brothers and sisters, will do well to look at every other person as a priceless jewel.

People are not toxic. Actions may have toxic results, but, I’m going to keep hope that by my love will all men know I am HIS disciple.

When someone is feeling alone, is afraid of being alone, like our OP, yes - they do need to work on their Spiritual life. That is when we most need to seek the face of Jesus.

 

[Catholicracer]

Norseman -

We are commanded over and over and over to love our enemies, to forgive, turn the other cheek, to bear wrongs patiently. Matt 5:22 is very clear “whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna”.

Just because Dr. Phil uses a phrase does not make it the Christian thing to do. All of us, even our younger brothers and sisters, will do well to look at every other person as a priceless jewel.

People are not toxic. Actions may have toxic results, but, I’m going to keep hope that by my love will all men know I am HIS disciple.

When someone is feeling alone, is afraid of being alone, like our OP, yes - they do need to work on their Spiritual life. That is when we most need to seek the face of Jesus.

First off I dont think you saw where I posted earlier but I said that I ment the way she was acting was toxic not that she was toxic. I am so sorry I used the wrong word. Now I feel bad for even asking for help.

 

[kage_ar]

First off I dont think you saw where I posted earlier but I said that I ment the way she was acting was toxic not that she was toxic. I am so sorry I used the wrong word. Now I feel bad for even asking for help.

Do not feel bad - I put Norseman’s name on there because I was answering his jabs at my post. No need to feel bad.

 

[Norseman82]

Norseman -

We are commanded over and over and over to love our enemies, to forgive, turn the other cheek, to bear wrongs patiently. Matt 5:22 is very clear “whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna”.

So is St. Paul going to hell for what he said about the Cretans? If everything you quoted was meant to be taken super literally, then we need to throw out the Church’s teaching allowing legitimate defense; I’m also surprised that you aren’t criticizing the OP for leaving his ex-gf because, after all, his leaving her means he is unwilling to bear wrongs patiently.

Besides, I’ve heard the term “toxic” used by an archdiocesan official at Theology-on-Tap.

When someone is feeling alone, is afraid of being alone, like our OP, yes - they do need to work on their Spiritual life. That is when we most need to seek the face of Jesus.

Then why did God say in Genesis 2:18 that it was not good for the man to be alone? We were not built to be alone; the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature, according to the Catechism.

Please get off the OP’s case.

 

[kage_ar]

Norseman -

I’m willing to bet that I am old enough to be your mother, I’ve been through my angry young phase. If you disagree, fine, post differing advice, but, attempting to punch holes in what I say is not that productive.

I will pray for you, for the OP, for the girl, and hope you will pray for me.

Peace be with you.

 

[whatevergirl]

Norseman -

We are commanded over and over and over to love our enemies, to forgive, turn the other cheek, to bear wrongs patiently. Matt 5:22 is very clear “whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna”.

Just because Dr. Phil uses a phrase does not make it the Christian thing to do. All of us, even our younger brothers and sisters, will do well to look at every other person as a priceless jewel.

People are not toxic. Actions may have toxic results, but, I’m going to keep hope that by my love will all men know I am HIS disciple.

When someone is feeling alone, is afraid of being alone, like our OP, yes - they do need to work on their Spiritual life. That is when we most need to seek the face of Jesus.

That is true–but it doesn’t mean we need to date people who treat us badly…that’s not what that passage was intended to mean. It means to forgive, and not to condemn people in their sins or faults…doesn’t mean we have to allow people to remain in our lives on a daily basis who are not healthy for us. We are not to hold grudges, or harbor hurts in our hearts towards another…that doesn’t mean that the OP should keep this person in his life to hurt and torment him. Forgiveness and allowing people to hurt us over and over are two different things.

 

[kage_ar]

That is true–but it doesn’t mean we need to date people who treat us badly…that’s not what that passage was intended to mean. It means to forgive, and not to condemn people in their sins or faults…doesn’t mean we have to allow people to remain in our lives on a daily basis who are not healthy for us. We are not to hold grudges, or harbor hurts in our hearts towards another…that doesn’t mean that the OP should keep this person in his life to hurt and torment him. Forgiveness and allowing people to hurt us over and over are two different things.

Going to address this one last time, I must not be clear.

My advice, sticking a negative lable on someone - even in our mind, has an impact on how we percieve the actions of that person AND how we feel about ourselves. This is the reason that Jesus told us to love people, because it is GOOD for us, and good for the rest of the world.

I never ever ever ever ever never ever said that this young man should continue to date this young woman who was mean to him. I suggested that he change the way he sees her (and perhaps how he sees everyone on the planet) and it just might help him have a bit of peace in his heart.

Anger and names do nothing but turn inside.

 

[whatevergirl]

Going to address this one last time, I must not be clear.

My advice, sticking a negative lable on someone - even in our mind, has an impact on how we percieve the actions of that person AND how we feel about ourselves. This is the reason that Jesus told us to love people, because it is GOOD for us, and good for the rest of the world.

I never ever ever ever ever never ever said that this young man should continue to date this young woman who was mean to him. I suggested that he change the way he sees her (and perhaps how he sees everyone on the planet) and it just might help him have a bit of peace in his heart.

Anger and names do nothing but turn inside.

ok–I now get where you’re coming from…be clear next time…haha KIDDING. I didn’t fully understand at first…thanks for reclarifying.