Trapped in hartred

[Nata]

I hate my friend so much that I want her death.
I know it’s not right.

She is one of my friend in church. I always thought she was a very kind and good person but she stabbed my back badly.

I found out that she have an affair with DH. And after I found out, DH tell her that I found out and tell her by sms that they should stop seeing each other, but she mocking me as a psiko.

A few day after I find out , we go on picnic (as we already arrange this long before). Both my family and her family (she married) come. At the picnic, DH hug me alot and also kiss me, DH know it’s hard for me to see her again after this. But exactly in the afternoon after the picnic, she called DH again, and tell him that she’s been passed out, and again tell DH about her misery.

And after that day, she still seduce DH by calling him many times a day, msn DH asking for a hug, showing DH her webcam.

I try to sms her to arrange a serious meeting so we can talk, but she angry at me and asking me to understand and sacrifice, saying that they love each other. That’s not the worst part yet.

I’m so pissed and I tell DH to choose between her and me. At last DH call her and said that he want to stop. But you know what, the next morning she come to the market near our home to meet DH before he go to work to tell him that she’s pregnant.

As she already have a husband, I don’t buy it. She told DH that she already stop having sex with her own hubby that’s why she’s sure that it’s DH’s baby.

Also we can’t do anything to confirm this as she told us not to talk to her hubby. She said that her hubby already know that she cheat but willing to take her as long as he never know who’s the other man. DH trust her, it’s frustating.

The worse part is that we are in the same church group. She always pretend that she’s a good person, nobody would ever believe what her true colour is. Also, nobody know about this except three of us and she used this situation to make me pissed. For example, in one of the gathering, before I came. she sit exactly beside DH and whispering things. And at other time she teasing DH and other friend to pour a wine in her glass, of course nobody give her (she already announce her pregnancy). Also she tried to make DH more and more attached by updating the growth of the baby by email, etc.

I really hate her. I even pray that she would die or at least lost the baby. I know it’s very horrible. I know I should pity on her as she’s so pathetic. But I can’t help hating her as DH is so weak on her, feel responsible, etc. And she used this. She always tell DH about her misery in her marriage and life. Everytime I try to calm down seems that she tried to pull something. Arrrgghh…

I stop receiving communion, as I feel unworthy for having this much hartred in my heart and also I hate myself for being such a horrible person. I tried to pray so I can forgive her but It feels like empty words coming from my mouth. What should I do? I mean is there any tips, any way of thinking I should try to deal with her and this situation. Help, I feel like this things drifted me away from God.

Gosh… just to let this out make me a little relieve…

 

[Nino]

Well,being part of this world it is a natural tendency to hate evil…why not…its always seems to be in the saddle…on the throne so to speak while truth and virtue are lampooned as ‘outdated’ ‘square’ and boring…and these are the good things posted by that creep in red tights and that tail! When the school I was teaching at went out on strike,I was the only regujlar staff teacher to cross the line…and so for a month and a half it was hell on earth…my tires slashed so my wife had to drop me off daily,rocks tossed thru my home windows,obscene calls to my children etc etc…I have not then nor since forgave the …for committing those dreadful horrible acts…I hate them to this day…but even tho when the strike ended and they came back in…some never spoke to me for the next 20 years …and so what…I had to concentrate on other things such as trying to be the best high school teacher ever etc etc…so I guess thats the ticket…have those feelings but stand back,evaluate the event and go on with your life as best you can…but dont let the hatred consume you for then the enemy you ‘hate’ wins…I use a boxing bag plus a gym to work out my feelings…thus this hatred actually helps me to get and stay healthy…see here,check my pulse…54 beats a min…not bad,not bad at all…hang in there…Nino

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

You don’t hate her. You hate what she did, and rightly so.

You do not have to be her friend any more; in fact, for the sake of your marriages, you should NOT be her friend any more. The picnic after what you knew was a really bad idea. It should have been cancelled, or you should have called and said you weren’t going and neither was your husband. She’s the one who ruined it, not you.

First stop: Go talk with your priest, who will tell you that you do not have to be her friend any more. He can help you find a counselor, find out about a retreat just for people in your situation, see about confession, and rest your fears about being rgihteously upset. He can also advise you about the baby possibility.

Second stop: If your husband will go, a good counselor, preferably a Catholic one. If he won’t go, YOU go. He is not blameless by a long shot. It is just as much his fault as it is hers.

Is your English limited or are you just typing so angry to get it out? I ask because there are a couple good books I can recommend that you read, but you might do better with them in your native tongue or by listening to them read through a CD or podcast:

Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
God Help Me These People Are Driving Me Nuts! by Greg Popcak.

This is not going to go away overnight. The books will help, but they will not solve your immediate problems. You will need to change church groups if she doesn’t. You are going to have to do things you might not want to do. Prayers for you. I have no idea in what country you reside, but this does not sound good in any event.

 

[Trishie]

Nata, it’s a dreadful situation. It’s understandable that your feelings are so strong. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. It’s the choices we make about them that make right or wrong.

The woman is manipulating the situation, getting everything all her own way. That isn’t healthy for her apart from everyone else. You only have her word that her husband knows. Your husband is being weak as she’s playing on a masculine desire to ‘fix’ problems. In your situation as a family I’d avoid any picnics or church group gatherings. Your marriage needs protection. It’s not fair that you should have to avoid social gatherings, but it’s obviously unwise for you and your husband to be involved with such events at this time.

As regards the internet messages or cell-phones, you can only ask your husband’s word not to reply to her. You also need his decision not to read anything she writes as she appears to know how to pull his strings.He needs to be consistent or it’s ineffective and she maintains her power.

I’ll pray for you all.

 

[Norseman82]

Nata,

It may require you to confront the homewrecking adulteress to keep her away from your husband. I know part of me would want to confront her in the communion line and yell for the whole parish to hear that she has no business receiving communion when she is committing adultery with your husband.

The tricky part is the baby - I couldn’t tell by your post if the reason the adulteress told your husband she was pregnant was that the baby was his. If so, your husband should still insist on a paternity test in case the adultering homewrecker is trying to use that as blackmail or other pressure for him to leaving you. Also, does the adulteress’ husband know about the pregnancy? Do you and your husband have any children of your own?

 

[taylorc]

I would remove yourself from the situation and try to seek an annulment. You have been disrespected like no one should, but focusing all your energy on these wrongdoers will only hurt you. It really is time to move on in creating a better life without certain individuals.

 

[SarahR]

God understands, but give your hatred to God to let Him heal you of it.

 

[Norseman82]

I would remove yourself from the situation and try to seek an annulment. You have been disrespected like no one should, but focusing all your energy on these wrongdoers will only hurt you. It really is time to move on in creating a better life without certain individuals.

Unless the husband was cheating on her from day one, which might show that he was lying when he made his marriage vows, there is no guarantee that she would get the annulment. Remember, annulments are not (or at least they are not supposed to be) “Catholic divorces”.

 

[Nata]

This woman have a DD and I have a DS. They are in a same age. We used to hang out together as our child also friends.

My DS is only 6, that’s why DH and me really want to avoid annulment or separation. :nope:

The problem is that this women told us that her husband knew that she’s cheating and pregnant. But she ask us not talk to her husband. She told us that her husband willing to accept her and the baby as long as her husband never knew who’s the real father is. That’s the situation.

I already ask for paternity test and she said that she willing to do that. But again, we can only do that after the baby born, meanwihle nothing I can do.

Also, It would be very expensive (isn’t it?), I’m sure she knows that we (me+DH) might not afford it. But I already told DH that eventhough we have to pay it for years, I insist on doing the paternity test.

My biggest fear is that it’s really DH’s baby. Then it’s mean she and the baby would always be in our life forever. :crying:

Ps. The books looks good, I’ll try to grab a copy. Thanks alot.
This week, we will start to see the coucellor, I hope it would help. Please pray for me and my family…

 

[taylorc]

There are prenatal paternity tests, but insisting on a test could mean you and your husband will have to pay child support. This is why I sugggested that you remove yourself from the situation. I would hate to see you pay for the carelessness of others. I’d never want anything to do with these people again. Letting go of the hate is important for you, but that is very difficult while forever being reminded of it all.

 

[HouseArrest]

Where is your husband in all of this? There is a lot of information about what you did, what the other woman did, but seemingly no action from your husband. She can’t get to him if he doesn’t let her. He needs to take responsibility and get her out of your lives if that’s what the two of you decide.

 

[kage_ar]

Remove yourself from the drama. Go to a different Mass, if she goes on Sunday, go on Sat PM.

Insist that your husband change his email, cell phone number, etc.

Cut all ties and all contact with this woman.

That is common sense.

 

[TravisandJill]

Oh my I dont know what to say. I am sorry you are going through this. Maybe just talk to your priest and let him know your situation. I would definetly tell the other lady’s husband whats going on. And you really need to be more strict with your husband. Tell him its her or you. He can’t have both.

Maybe if you talk to your priest he will advise you if you have grounds for an anullment, its worth a try anyways. Sometimes a seperation is the best!

The other advice I have is to not sleep with him until he had been checked and cleared for STD and he has confessed and REPENTED of the affair.

Jill

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I already ask for paternity test and she said that she willing to do that. But again, we can only do that after the baby born, meanwihle nothing I can do.

Also, It would be very expensive (isn’t it?), I’m sure she knows that we (me+DH) might not afford it. But I already told DH that eventhough we have to pay it for years, I insist on doing the paternity test. Here in the US, paternity tests are not that expensive at all, really inexpensive, and are sometimes court-appointed and free. But as I don’t know where you live, I can’t guide you on that one.

My biggest fear is that it’s really DH’s baby. Then it’s mean she and the baby would always be in our life forever. :crying:Well now, I’m **not **a lawyer, or attorney, or barrister, but I know in most states in the US, unless somebody brings a court action, the father is considered to be the mother’s husband, no matter who is really the biological father. Might it not be smarter to check with a legal official usch an attorney or barrister, than to assume the worst right away?

Ps. The books looks good, I’ll try to grab a copy. Thanks alot.
This week, we will start to see the coucellor, I hope it would help. Please pray for me and my family… No problem.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Well now, I’m not a lawyer, or attorney, or barrister, but I know in most states in the US, unless somebody brings a court action, the father is considered to be the mother’s husband, no matter who is really the biological father. Might it not be smarter to check with a legal official usch an attorney or barrister, than to assume the worst right away?

This is true, her husband will be assumed legally to be the father. BUT we don’t know where you are and your English is seemingly second language. Maybe if you share your country, others from that country will help you or give you ideas, wisdom and experience here.

You can buy DNA tests at the drug store here now. Swab the father, swab the child, send it in, they mail you the results. It’s about $30 US. That’s it. Again, we don’t know where you are, so we don’t know if that’s available to you.

I just want to say how sorry I am you are going through this. I would be devastated, and she would have been hurtin’ if she had the gall to tell me to let my husband have an affair because they’re in love!! :nunchuk: :blackeye:

I’m with everyone, ok almost everyone, tell DH to MAN UP to this cheap, scandalous, horrid woman and say “ENOUGH.” Get some counseling, seek out your priest, get some help. I bet if you tell your priest he might have some choice words for your DH AND this woman. It could do some good to put out the fire she seems to have for your man.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Oh look-y what I found!

homedna.com/paternity_test.html?src=google

 

[just_me_1]

Oh my. I’m so sorry to hear about this mess. I often feel as a catholic in a christian marriage, I am immune to this sort of thing. I guess adultery can rear it’s ugly head anywhere. I wish I could help. I’ll pitch in on the test for you, I’m sure others on here would too. God bless you and your family, you’ll be in my prayers.

ps. IMHO you have every right to hate her guts, and DH’s too. forgiveness is the hardest thing to I can think of, and you won’t get it done overnight. but it is important that it’s your end goal. good luck!

 

[Nata]

I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks that way…

I already suggest the same things, change church group. But DH thinks that it’s ridiculous, that’s when she said that I’m psiko. His defense is that it’s not fair, we have to lose a lot of our friends (it’s our main inner circle, as you know english is not my first language. This church group consist of people from the same country as my family. We’re not only doing church activity together, we also hang out together once in a while. ) Also, DH asked me to accept her as a friend just like before and act as if nothing happen, just get back to normal.

When I asked him, at least, not to contact her again in any how, he said that it would be hard. He gave some possible situation, ex: what if there’s important anouncement about the church group (she’s one of the leader of this church group). Another example that push me over the edge is… what if she’s in state of emergency when calling him (ex: in emergency labor while her husband can not be arround).

When I asked him to ignore her at all, he told me its not polite. He said that he will not be impolite to anyone. He try to convince me that he learn his lesson and will treat her not more than friend. This is one of his argument. “I also talk to my other friend, sms, msn, etc. I will also help any of my friends if they need help. If I want to treat her not more than friend than why should I treat her differently. It means you want me to hate her, not be friend with her anymore. You can not tell me who should I be friend with. I just want things back to normal. I promise no more romance with her.”

But I just can not believe it, it’s really hard… For example, once DH sms her, asked her if she goes to the same mass we’re about to go. I’m really mad. I told him that it’s none of DH’s business. His defense is that he just want to know and there’s nothing romance about it.

Am I crazy to thinks that she can never be a friend anymore? Am I not a good catholic as I can not accept her as my friend again? Once DH said that when he told me about her pregnancy, he’s quite sure I would accept and forgive them. If there’s someone who knows how to be a good catholic, all the teory, dogma, etc in our church group, it should be me. But all the teory I know and I learn seems so useless, I still can’t help not to hate her. DH said that he’s very suprised on my reaction, as if I’m turning into a completely different person.

I’m not in US. But I think I can contact one of my friend in US to help me grab that home paternity test, it’s a lot cheaper. As in here, I think DNA test would cost about $1000 or more, it would take all of our saving. But we have to wait until baby born, right?

Actually, I’m not really concern about the child support. Her family is whealtier than mine, she know that. What I’m afraid of is that she will use this baby to seek DH attention. If the baby is DH’s, then she will have a right to do so, isn’t it?

This few days, I heard nothing about her anymore. DH already stop going online at home (after work), I didn’t see him sms or receive a suspicious call anymore. For now I can only crossing finger, hoping that they didn’t contact each other during office hour or any how on my back.

This weekend we have an appointment with a counsellor, I hope things can become better. I really hope DH can realize that he should not be soft to her anymore. He always thinks that he ruin her life by getting her pregnant, that’s why he feel resposible.

Back to my first concern, about hartred. Do you think I can stop hating her? I’m so scared that I can never stop hating her. I’m so scared that I would never be able to reconcile with God either. Even in the mass sometimes I keep thinking why this happen to me, asking God if He would kill her for me and . Then after that I will feel very unworthy to Him.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

His defense is that it’s not fair, we have to lose a lot of our friends (it’s our main inner circle, as you know english is not my first language. This church group consist of people from the same country as my family. We’re not only doing church activity together, we also hang out together once in a while. ) Also, DH asked me to accept her as a friend just like before and act as if nothing happen, just get back to normal. OK, I will try this in simple English and then I’m giving up: If your DH does not stop seeing this woman, and cut off all ties, then you have got to put a stop to this. Period. He is no longer in control. You are. You did not commit adultery. He did. If he is unwilling to stop this nonsense, then you go alone to your priest and to counseling.

When I asked him, at least, not to contact her again in any how, he said that it would be hard…Then unfortunately he does not appear to be sincere in his promise to break this off.

When I asked him to ignore her at all, he told me its not polite. Nonsense! …You can not tell not who should I be friend with. I just want things back to normal. I promise no more romance with her." He should have thought of that before he had an affair. This can’t go back to “normal” because of what the two fo them did. he can’t go back and change it.
But I just can not believe it, it’s really hard… So- Why do you put up with that?

Am I crazy to thinks that she can never be a friend anymore? No. You are not crazy. Am I not a good catholic as I can not accept her as my friend again? Again, you are fine, he is the one with the problems, he and this other woman.Once DH said that when he told me about her pregnancy, he’s quite sure I would accept and forgive them… But all the teory I know and I learn seems so useless, I still can’t help not to hate her. You have every right to not want her in your home, not want her around your family esp. your husband, and not to want to particpate in church activities with her. DH said that he’s very suprised on my reaction, as if I’m turning into a completely different person. GOOD! High time he learned he can’t cheat on you and expect you to just roll over and pretend it didn’t happen. Honey, he’s trying to manipulate you. He’s in the wrong, but he’s trying to put the blame on you, so he can feel better.

I’m not in US. But I think I can contact one of my friend in US to help me grab that home paternity test, it’s a lot cheaper. As in here, I think DNA test would cost about $1000 or more, it would take all of our saving. But we have to wait until baby born, right? Yes, but I have the feeling that isn’t going to be your only concern.

Actually, I’m not really concern about the child support. Her family is whealtier than mine, she know that. What I’m afraid of is that she will use this baby to seek DH attention. If the baby is DH’s, then she will have a right to do so, isn’t it? Not if the baby is legally the other woman’s husband’s by law. This is why you need to see an attorney, barrister, or what have you in your country, whatever that country is, to answer this question. In the US, unless the biological father takes the case to court, the baby’s father is assumed to be the mother’s husband. If that is the case in your country, your husband would have NO rights (I can’t bring myself to call him your DH which stands for “dear husband” and he isn’t).

This few days, I heard nothing about her anymore. DH already stop going online at home (after work), I didn’t see him sms or receive a suspicious call anymore. For now I can only crossing finger, hoping that they didn’t contact each other during office hour or any how on my back.

This weekend we have an appointment with a counsellor, I hope things can become better. I really hope DH can realize that he should not be soft to her anymore. He always thinks that he ruin her life by getting her pregnant, that’s why he feel resposible. His first responsibility is to you.

Back to my first concern, about hartred. Do you think I can stop hating her? I’m so scared that I can never stop hating her. It is not wrong to hate bad things. What she did was bad, very bad. I’m so scared that I would never be able to reconcile with God either. Even in the mass sometimes I keep thinking why this happen to me, asking God if He would kill her for me and . Then after that I will feel very unworthy to Him PLEASE go see a priest as soon as possible, today if at all possible. God does not want you to wallow in this, and God does not want you feeling bad because something bad happened to you and you are RIGHTFULLY angry about it. This is nothing a priest has not heard before this, and certainly God has seen it all…

 

[Norseman82]

I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks that way…

I already suggest the same things, change church group. But DH thinks that it’s ridiculous, that’s when she said that I’m psiko. His defense is that it’s not fair, we have to lose a lot of our friends (it’s our main inner circle, as you know english is not my first language. This church group consist of people from the same country as my family. We’re not only doing church activity together, we also hang out together once in a while. ) Also, DH asked me to accept her as a friend just like before and act as if nothing happen, just get back to normal.

When I asked him, at least, not to contact her again in any how, he said that it would be hard. He gave some possible situation, ex: what if there’s important anouncement about the church group (she’s one of the leader of this church group). Another example that push me over the edge is… what if she’s in state of emergency when calling him (ex: in emergency labor while her husband can not be arround).

When I asked him to ignore her at all, he told me its not polite. He said that he will not be impolite to anyone. He try to convince me that he learn his lesson and will treat her not more than friend. This is one of his argument. “I also talk to my other friend, sms, msn, etc. I will also help any of my friends if they need help. If I want to treat her not more than friend than why should I treat her differently. It means you want me to hate her, not be friend with her anymore. You can not tell me who should I be friend with. I just want things back to normal. I promise no more romance with her.”

But I just can not believe it, it’s really hard… For example, once DH sms her, asked her if she goes to the same mass we’re about to go. I’m really mad. I told him that it’s none of DH’s business. His defense is that he just want to know and there’s nothing romance about it.

Am I crazy to thinks that she can never be a friend anymore? Am I not a good catholic as I can not accept her as my friend again? Once DH said that when he told me about her pregnancy, he’s quite sure I would accept and forgive them. If there’s someone who knows how to be a good catholic, all the teory, dogma, etc in our church group, it should be me. But all the teory I know and I learn seems so useless, I still can’t help not to hate her. DH said that he’s very suprised on my reaction, as if I’m turning into a completely different person.

I’m not in US. But I think I can contact one of my friend in US to help me grab that home paternity test, it’s a lot cheaper. As in here, I think DNA test would cost about $1000 or more, it would take all of our saving. But we have to wait until baby born, right?

Actually, I’m not really concern about the child support. Her family is whealtier than mine, she know that. What I’m afraid of is that she will use this baby to seek DH attention. If the baby is DH’s, then she will have a right to do so, isn’t it?

This few days, I heard nothing about her anymore. DH already stop going online at home (after work), I didn’t see him sms or receive a suspicious call anymore. For now I can only crossing finger, hoping that they didn’t contact each other during office hour or any how on my back.

This weekend we have an appointment with a counsellor, I hope things can become better. I really hope DH can realize that he should not be soft to her anymore. He always thinks that he ruin her life by getting her pregnant, that’s why he feel resposible.

Back to my first concern, about hartred. Do you think I can stop hating her? I’m so scared that I can never stop hating her. I’m so scared that I would never be able to reconcile with God either. Even in the mass sometimes I keep thinking why this happen to me, asking God if He would kill her for me and . Then after that I will feel very unworthy to Him.

I agree with outinchicagoburbs said that you are the one in control. I don’t know what country you live in or what culture you are in, but the minute your husband violated his vows he lost all say in this matter and it is his responsibility to do what it takes to mend fences with you. It’s too bad you are not in Chicago; I’d be happy to find a gym with an open spar night and explain it to your husband with a 16-oz glove. Or, do you have any physically capable brothers or other male family members that can talk some sense into your husband? (Provided that your husband is not physically abusive and might retaliate).

Additionally, the homewrecking adulteress has no business being in a leadership position at church; it is a cause for scandal. In fact, she should be the one who has to go through the inconvenience of finding a new parish, etc.