Trapped in my life

[Kount_C]

I’ve made similar post before. But I think my life is frozen as I am a 35 year old college student. Whom hates his major, BTW. I am living with my widowed mother and junkie brother.

At this point in my life, I am still meeting nice girls for courting opportunities but I have limited means to move out of my mothers, because even at 64 years old, she is not financially winning. She would be doing ok, however, my brother had really cost her a lot of money in the past and still does to this day. 

 Life is moving very fast, and quite honestly I do not wan to settle down with someone that has children. Even in my 30's I think that's a small shot. However, I have no dated anyone with kids in like 5 years.

That being said. I would get married right now, but, my mom can not afford to live alone, and also. I do not want to stay in my general area. Therefore I have a massive obstacle in my way. That demands a certain level of above average success to see all of this play through.

I’m just wondering if someone has been through similar situations.

Cheers!

 

[Cat]

I’ve made similar post before. But I think my life is frozen as I am a 35 year old college student. Whom hates his major, BTW. I am living with my widowed mother and junkie brother.

At this point in my life, I am still meeting nice girls for courting opportunities but I have limited means to move out of my mothers, because even at 64 years old, she is not financially winning. She would be doing ok, however, my brother had really cost her a lot of money in the past and still does to this day. 

 Life is moving very fast, and quite honestly I do not wan to settle down with someone that has children. Even in my 30's I think that's a small shot. However, I have no dated anyone with kids in like 5 years.

That being said. I would get married right now, but, my mom can not afford to live alone, and also. I do not want to stay in my general area. Therefore I have a massive obstacle in my way. That demands a certain level of above average success to see all of this play through.

I’m just wondering if someone has been through similar situations.

Cheers!

Are you from the United States? Is English a second language for you?

I have a reason for asking. Thanks.

 

[Kount_C]

Yes… I see a couple of typos. This key board kind of sticks. I’m using a public terminal.
in the pc lab at school right now.

Yes, I am from the USA.

 

[1ke]

Here’s the way it is. You are going to have to make choices.

No choices are perfect. Some are inconvenient for us, some are inconvenient for other people. Your mother has also made choices. You have made choices.

And, in the immortal words of Geddy Lee, if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

As long as you continue to believe you are responsible for your mother and her choices, you are correct that you will not be dating, marrying, or living on your own.

You need to *decide *now how you will go on. You need to make a *choice *regarding how you will live your life and whether you will move out or not.

If you are unwilling or unable to *choose *to move out of your mother’s house, then you need to make peace with that choice.

You hate your life, yet seem unwilling to make necessary changes. Have you gotten counseling for this paralysis you seem to be in?

 

[Kount_C]

I feel that is easily said as an observer, I don’t fully disagree. But what do I do, when the water pump goes out in the house? , or the transmission as of right now goes out, and needs to be repaired in the car? .

I have been partially responsible for many of those things in the past few years.
We do not have a lot of family where I am at. Plus I am partially dependent on my living situation at the moment too, so that I can finish school.

I am not one of these magic smart children that got to go off to college at the age of 18 and do things I wanted to do with my life. I was 29 years old paying the house off so we could all have a place to live.

That is my dilemma.

Cheers! and best regards.

 

[1ke]

But what do I do, when the water pump goes out in the house? , or the transmission as of right now goes out, and needs to be repaired in the car? .

Your mother is a grown woman. She can handle it.

I have been partially responsible for many of those things in the past few years. We do not have a lot of family where I am at. Plus I am partially dependent on my living situation at the moment too, so that I can finish school.

You need to start building a new dynamic with your mother. You need to tell her that you will be moving out in X months and she needs to be prepared to handle these things on her own, logistically and financially. It is HER choice to pay for your brother who apparently free-loads. That is NOT your problem, and you cannot continue to hold your life hostage to his addiction.

Get in Al-Anon as soon as possible!!!

I am not one of these magic smart children that got to go off to college at the age of 18 and do things I wanted to do with my life. I was 29 years old paying the house off so we could all have a place to live.

That is very kind and noble of you. Your choices were kind and generous. But they are now causing you issues and you cannot continue with this type of support for your family. Or you can continue. It is your choice.

But OWN the choice. If you choose to continue to live there, support them, and forego other relationships OWN IT.

If you dislike this life, then only you can change it. Perhaps you will get push back from you mother. Perhaps she will try to make you feel guilty. Perhaps you will feel guilty. But only you can push through the unhealthy dynamic that has been created over 35 years and move on.

Ultimately your mother and your brother are NOT your financial responsibility. You can love and honor your mother without being the sole family support for them. They have also made choices, and they must own the consequences.

 

[Kount_C]

Your mother is a grown woman. She can handle it.

You need to start building a new dynamic with your mother. You need to tell her that you will be moving out in X months and she needs to be prepared to handle these things on her own, logistically and financially. It is HER choice to pay for your brother who apparently free-loads. That is NOT your problem, and you cannot continue to hold your life hostage to his addiction.

Get in Al-Anon as soon as possible!!!

That is very kind and noble of you. Your choices were kind and generous. But they are now causing you issues and you cannot continue with this type of support for your family. Or you can continue. It is your choice.

But OWN the choice. If you choose to continue to live there, support them, and forego other relationships OWN IT.

If you dislike this life, then only you can change it. Perhaps you will get push back from you mother. Perhaps she will try to make you feel guilty. Perhaps you will feel guilty. But only you can push through the unhealthy dynamic that has been created over 35 years and move on.

Ultimately your mother and your brother are NOT your financial responsibility. You can love and honor your mother without being the sole family support for them. They have also made choices, and they must own the consequences.

The one other thing that keeps me from moving on, in the long term is finances and my hatred for the world. At 30 years of age, when I was still working and saving and paying for my mom's place. I also had a years play in the bank bidding on houses, cash. On the block where I live now. They where mostly foreclosures in the 2010 era.

Suppose I graduate next year at the age of 36. I go work for any local power company for roughly 75K a year. If I am doing construction for a couple of years, I am making more then that. Before the age of 40. I will have the ability to buy a house cash. and have a hefty rebuild on retirement catch up.

Having been 30, at one point in my life and bidding on houses cash, (50-70)K gives a deep satisfaction and a big middle finger to the world that I can not describe. Especially to my employers, and those who are middle aged divorcees who have made snide comments into he past over my living situation. It is a vey very tough temptation to beat.

There is nothing like, telling your employer, the phrase.

“I do not care, my house is paid for”

 

[1ke]

The one other thing that keeps me from moving on, in the long term is finances and my hatred for the world. At 30 years of age, when I was still working and saving and paying for my mom’s place. I also had a years play in the bank bidding on houses, cash. On the block where I live now. They where mostly foreclosures in the 2010 era.

Suppose I graduate next year at the age of 36. I go work for any local power company for roughly 75K a year. If I am doing construction for a couple of years, I am making more then that. Before the age of 40. I will have the ability to buy a house cash. and have a hefty rebuild on retirement catch up.

Having been 30, at one point in my life and bidding on houses cash, (50-70)K gives a deep satisfaction and a big middle finger to the world that I can not describe. Especially to my employers, and those who are middle aged divorcees who have made snide comments into he past over my living situation. It is a vey very tough temptation to beat.

There is nothing like, telling your employer, the phrase.

“I do not care, my house is paid for”

I really encourage you to go to Al-Anon and to get some counseling, your dysfunctional family situation has definitely impacted you. And these sorts of ideas and feelings are not attractive to the ladies, my friend.

Please get some professional help.

 

[Kount_C]

I really encourage you to go to Al-Anon and to get some counseling, your dysfunctional family situation has definitely impacted you. And these sorts of ideas and feelings are not attractive to the ladies, my friend.

Please get some professional help.

What is Al-Anon? Quite frankly I value money over companionship.
I like the power I have in my life if I have a years pay in my money market.
I feel incredible, if I can be rejected by someone, and still have 50k making me interest every month.

I think because when I was younger. I was rejected a lot, so money was what I always had, working 7 days a week.

I’ve learned in my experience in life, that looking for a woman, is like having a job.
Its not that difficult. I usually know if I’ve got more cash, and more freedom then I’m winning. I love being rejected when I’m on top. Its a satisfying feeling, for me it is better then sex. To have zero emotional consideration towards someone , if they are rejecting me.

I’ve seen having worked with older people all my life, that nothing changes, the body ages fast then the mind. Most of my co workers where swingers or 43 year old divorcees.
Working on their 2nd family. I just feel anchored.

 

[Cat]

Thanks for your reply.

I know this will be hurtful to you, but I’m not sure how else to say it. You write very poorly. I understand that you are using a public terminal, but this shouldn’t affect your grammar.

I don’t think your college education has done you much good. I’m sorry.

I think you should forget about college–it seems to be waste of your time and your money.

You mentioned working for the power company. What kind of job can you get? And will you be able to land that job if you cannot write well? Is it a manual labor job? A skilled trade?

That’s my suggestion to you–why not pursue a skilled trade?

As for relationships with women, it’s not going to happen. You need to get your relationship with yourself straightened out first. And most women in their right mind will not get involved with a 30-something man who still lives with his mother. Major red flag for most women.

The Bible says that a man will LEAVE his mother and father and cling to his wife.

I agree with all those in this thread who suggest that you invest in a good counselor, and learn to live. I think this will take you quite a while, because for a long time, you’ve been “trapped in your life,” and it will take you quite a while and a lot of work to get out of that trap and learn to live a happy, healthy, and productive life.

I’m going to strongly recommend that you try to find a male counselor as well as male friends or companions. I think you have too much “female” influence in your life.

Only after you have learned to live should you consider seeking the companionship of a good woman.

Again, I’m sorry if this is hurtful. But it seems that you are already hurting, and sometimes, a wound has to be lanced to heal. I hope you will get some help to heal.

 

[Xantippe]

No smart, functional woman is going to want to move in with you, your mom and your junkie brother.

If you want to marry before your mom dies (which could be 30+ years from now), move out now.

I’m pretty sure your mom can support herself (perhaps with a couple hundred bucks a month from you)–what she can’t do is support herself and the junkie brother.

 

[1ke]

Ok, I’m out.

 

[Xantippe]

If you like your life as it is now, keep doing what you’re doing.

If you want something different, do something different.

 

[PolarGuy]

Kount C,
*
Why the heck are you writing? And why should we care?*

OK, you’re “trapped in your life,” driven by “hatred of life,” you want money, yada, yada, yada.

We’ve all got problems.

Are we supposed to feel sympathetic? I don’t, not much, anyway. My mom died when I was 11, 30+ years ago – so I very much wish I had a mom to see, at all, let alone to gripe about. All of us have some problems, but very few want to hear/read what could be described as griping/sour grapes/bitterness. OK, you have problems. News flash: * We all do *-- but it seems some deal with it better than you are. If you really want to know how, take 1KE’s advice and change your environment. If you don’t/can’t, OK, well, you asked and we said what to do. Also, what else do we do for ourselves? We pray. We persevere. We count our blessings, that we’re alive; live in a great country; have food/a roof/a cell phone/an education; etc. We don’t gripe, or get bitter. You do the same, and while you’re at it, please stop the combination of self-pity, self-loathing, hatred of life, and arrogance you’re displaying (so much so that even 1KE has bowed out, and that’s saying something…)

 

[Kount_C]

Thanks for your reply.

I know this will be hurtful to you, but I’m not sure how else to say it. You write very poorly. I understand that you are using a public terminal, but this shouldn’t affect your grammar.

I don’t think your college education has done you much good. I’m sorry.

I think you should forget about college–it seems to be waste of your time and your money.

You mentioned working for the power company. What kind of job can you get? And will you be able to land that job if you cannot write well? Is it a manual labor job? A skilled trade?

That’s my suggestion to you–why not pursue a skilled trade?

As for relationships with women, it’s not going to happen. You need to get your relationship with yourself straightened out first. And most women in their right mind will not get involved with a 30-something man who still lives with his mother. Major red flag for most women.

The Bible says that a man will LEAVE his mother and father and cling to his wife.

I agree with all those in this thread who suggest that you invest in a good counselor, and learn to live. I think this will take you quite a while, because for a long time, you’ve been “trapped in your life,” and it will take you quite a while and a lot of work to get out of that trap and learn to live a happy, healthy, and productive life.

I’m going to strongly recommend that you try to find a male counselor as well as male friends or companions. I think you have too much “female” influence in your life.

Only after you have learned to live should you consider seeking the companionship of a good woman.

Again, I’m sorry if this is hurtful. But it seems that you are already hurting, and sometimes, a wound has to be lanced to heal. I hope you will get some help to heal.

I didn't know the grammar police where going to get involved.

Half of my degree is in mathematics the other half is in software development and engineering sciences.

If you want to talk about grammar some time, lets go over proof writing techniques for in-jective and bi-jective functions. Then I can show you how to properly articulate an argument for proving something mathematically.

I’ve been responsible for making engineering decisions and technical packages for procedures that you could not wrap your head around.

By the way, I’ve dated more woman in the past 5 years, then any other time in my life.
So thanks for your opinion, but, your out of bounds.

The keys on public terminals stick by the way. The sticking keys, make words like
“not” get truncated to the word no.

Have fun, and good luck.

 

[Kount_C]

Ok, I’m out.

Cheers! man, you made good sense. Have a good week.

 

[underacloud]

What is Al-Anon? Quite frankly I value money over companionship.
I like the power I have in my life if I have a years pay in my money market.
I feel incredible, if I can be rejected by someone, and still have 50k making me interest every month.

I think because when I was younger. I was rejected a lot, so money was what I always had, working 7 days a week.

I’ve learned in my experience in life, that looking for a woman, is like having a job.
Its not that difficult. I usually know if I’ve got more cash, and more freedom then I’m winning. I love being rejected when I’m on top. Its a satisfying feeling, for me it is better then sex. To have zero emotional consideration towards someone , if they are rejecting me.

I’ve seen having worked with older people all my life, that nothing changes, the body ages fast then the mind. Most of my co workers where swingers or 43 year old divorcees.
Working on their 2nd family. I just feel anchored.

At the moment you are completely unsuited to marriage. Your attitude is appalling.

You’re sounding a bit like Charlie Sheen. “winning”? It’s a very strange followup to your original post about being “trapped”.

 

[Kount_C]

Kount C,
*
Why the heck are you writing? And why should we care?*

OK, you’re “trapped in your life,” driven by “hatred of life,” you want money, yada, yada, yada.

We’ve all got problems.

Are we supposed to feel sympathetic? I don’t, not much, anyway. My mom died when I was 11, 30+ years ago – so I very much wish I had a mom to see, at all, let alone to gripe about. All of us have some problems, but very few want to hear/read what could be described as griping/sour grapes/bitterness. OK, you have problems. News flash: * We all do *-- but it seems some deal with it better than you are. If you really want to know how, take 1KE’s advice and change your environment. If you don’t/can’t, OK, well, you asked and we said what to do. Also, what else do we do for ourselves? We pray. We persevere. We count our blessings, that we’re alive; live in a great country; have food/a roof/a cell phone/an education; etc. We don’t gripe, or get bitter. You do the same, and

?

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to disagree with all the other responses the OP got. I can’t even believe what I’m reading. Where is Jesus in them? They sound so judgmental. Sorry to say that to you all. I know you’ve given good advice other times. I’m just having to stick my neck out and disagree with some things.

People are not in utter and total control of their lives. God is. Helping others is something we are called to do, not go self indulge in what we want and leave the helpless in our dust. What merit is in that? The Op seems to just be waiting on God’s response and God’s timing and in the meantime, helping out to mend costly wrongs by being the one to step up to doing the right thing. Sometimes that’s all we have in life to hope for. A person can be doing the right thing and be stuck too. More than anything we are to be doing the right thing. It does not matter what WE want, it matters what GOD wants.

Also,I just have to say, that its when the man, WHEN HE FINDS* HIS *WOMAN, leaves his mother and father and *then *clings to her… Its not until **after **the wedding that this Bible passage pertains to such a thing. **Don’t go mixing modern belief into Scripture. ** Modern society and its rules are not our measuring tool. God’s way should be and in these modern times often God is no where in it!!! I mean, yes, a man should learn to be able to be on his own and provide for his family… **the OP is working on that obviously and it sounds like he is going to be able to do that, if not already ** His problem is not clinging to his mom, rather the other way around, which we don’t know HER circumstances to judge the situation. Also, he doesn’t seem irresponsible to me if he is working a lot and saving up. He has a plan and it doesn’t sound hopeless to me.

Op, there are women out there who do not have children. You’ll just have to look harder for them. I don’t know exactly how, (yea, I know, that’s unhelpful) but they are out there. And as far as the generalized statement about women not dating you… hogwash. If people ‘go’ by a certain set of standards, then no one would ever get married because no one ever can live up to all of them all of the time. Maybe that’s why the divorce rate is so high- too many selfish people with no patience or understanding. Most married couples I know have some major ‘bad’ things about them. The ones who divorced are the ones who hid their big faults before the wedding and it erupted afterwards. Don’t be ashamed of your situation (if it really is as you say) and don’t loose heart. Keep trying.

I don’t really understand why you posted though. I don’t think your situation is so odd. You sound ok to me… I will say that maybe speaking to a counselor might help you work out the unseen things in your plans that might make help plans come to fruition. (not suggesting you are crazy) Some people are great counselors in that way. Again, hard to find, but out there somewhere. Pray about it!

 

[Kount_C]

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to disagree with all the other responses the OP got. I can’t even believe what I’m reading. Where is Jesus in them? They sound so judgmental. Sorry to say that to you all. I know you’ve given good advice other times. I’m just having to stick my neck out and disagree with some things.

People are not in utter and total control of their lives. God is. Helping others is something we are called to do, not go self indulge in what we want and leave the helpless in our dust. What merit is in that? The Op seems to just be waiting on God’s response and God’s timing and in the meantime, helping out to mend costly wrongs by being the one to step up to doing the right thing. Sometimes that’s all we have in life to hope for. A person can be doing the right thing and be stuck too. More than anything we are to be doing the right thing. It does not matter what WE want, it matters what GOD wants.

Also,I just have to say, that its when the man, WHEN HE FINDS* HIS *WOMAN, leaves his mother and father and *then *clings to her… Its not until **after **the wedding that this Bible passage pertains to such a thing. **Don’t go mixing modern belief into Scripture. ** Modern society and its rules are not our measuring tool. God’s way should be and in these modern times often God is no where in it!!! I mean, yes, a man should learn to be able to be on his own and provide for his family… **the OP is working on that obviously and it sounds like he is going to be able to do that, if not already ** His problem is not clinging to his mom, rather the other way around, which we don’t know HER circumstances to judge the situation. Also, he doesn’t seem irresponsible to me if he is working a lot and saving up. He has a plan and it doesn’t sound hopeless to me.

Op, there are women out there who do not have children. You’ll just have to look harder for them. I don’t know exactly how, (yea, I know, that’s unhelpful) but they are out there. And as far as the generalized statement about women not dating you… hogwash. If people ‘go’ by a certain set of standards, then no one would ever get married because no one ever can live up to all of them all of the time. Maybe that’s why the divorce rate is so high- too many selfish people with no patience or understanding. Most married couples I know have some major ‘bad’ things about them. The ones who divorced are the ones who hid their big faults before the wedding and it erupted afterwards. Don’t be ashamed of your situation (if it really is as you say) and don’t loose heart. Keep trying.

I don’t really understand why you posted though. I don’t think your situation is so odd. You sound ok to me… I will say that maybe speaking to a counselor might help you work out the unseen things in your plans that might make help plans come to fruition. (not suggesting you are crazy) Some people are great counselors in that way. Again, hard to find, but out there somewhere. Pray about it!

That was a popular misconception, in this post, by responders, that I am some how clinging at home. But, when family is thin lined, where does the responsibility lie?
None the less, suppose, I did stay at home, until I am 40 due to given circumstances, then by the time I'm 40, I would own two houses, and at least one outright.