Trouble Discerning State in Life

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MargaretMary3

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I wasn’t sure where to post this, so I hope this forum is okay… the admins can move it elsewhere if it would be better suited in another forum.

I am a girl in my mid 20s. I am torn in choosing my state in life. When I seek counsel from close friends and trusted clergy I get vastly different answers: my family would prefer I marry (I am my parents only hope for grandchildren), and my friends all tell me that they see me as a great mother… and I do love children and the whole idea of family life. Priests and others in religious life have told me that they see in me a vocation to the religious life. I pray and pray but feel and think differently from one day to the next.

I met a wonderful Catholic man whom I thought I could marry one day, but I was afraid (a lifetime is loooong time to make someone else unhappy or be unhappy myself!) and broke things off with him. Almost immediately after, I deeply regretted it… but I am not the sort to go back on my decisions and it would be unfair to him to get his hopes up and then dash them again if I decided things would not work out. I was so sure of my decision beforehand. I did not always communicate well with him (I don’t communicate well with others, period… I am very introverted); and I thought this was a sign that I should end things because communication is so important in a marriage. But now I cannot decide if I feel terrible just for hurting his feelings, or if I feel terrible because I really do like him and could marry him.

So I thought that I, like St. Teresa of Avila, would force myself into a religious vocation. But I know that this will make my parents very sad. I also know that I do not desire a religious vocation for myself… I am afraid and worried that I would be unhappy/frustrated/etc.

At the suggestion of a close older friend/mentor, I made a pro/con list for marriage and for the nunnery. My pros and cons for marriage were about even, but I had many more cons than pros when I contemplated entering religious life… this somewhat undermines my resolve to force myself to enter religious life. But, I also don’t want to base the decision for my state in life off a pro/con list! 😊

So, here I am, terrified to choose either marriage or the convent (the single life is definitely not for me), yet I must choose one and relatively soon… (most convents (or at least the ones I’d be attracted to) don’t accept applicants older than 30)

I went to Confession and mentioned my troubles to the priest, but while he gave counsel for my other sins he said nothing of my putting off choosing my state in life. I have an old confessor/spiritual director whom I have contacted to talk through my vocation troubles with, but he is very busy and currently out of town, so I am stuck waiting.

So, anyone else been through a similar dilemma?

How does one sort through what should be “dealbreakers” in a relationship and what things are not that important? I can’t decide if I globalized ‘problems’ into being more than what they were, or if I was justified in deciding that some things were “dealbreakers”.
 
Hi
Well, I’ve not faced such a situation personally, but I just wanted to offer that the choice is of course challenging. So, have you looked at the choice in terms of what would be best for the Church?
Anyway, I wish you all the best in this.

David
 
Do yourself a huge favor. Forget romance and physical(sexual) attraction. Romance, as portrayed in movies and in novels is one of the greatest hoaxes perpetrated on Western society. Once the ring gets on the finger, romance fades very quickly. Sexual attraction is largely based on lust and is equally over-rated. After the honeymoon is over, and you find that your mate has bad breath in the morning, breaks wind, picks his nose,and scratches himself in intimate areas, sexual attraction fades even faster.
So, if you are ever tempted to get married, ask yourself just one question: Is he my best friend? Am I his best friend? If the answer is yes on both sides, then your marriage has a chance of lasting. Best friends can make a permanent life together, because they are always considerate of one another. You will tolerate behavior from your best friend that you wouldn’t stand for with anyone else, and your best friend will not only do likewise and will never betray you.
One example: After you are married, the first time you shave your legs with his razor and either don’t tell him or don’t change the blade- you better be his best friend when he tries to use the razor and takes half his face off! It may sound funny now, but it really isn’t when it happens. Mayhem can ensue if you aren’t best friends.
 
MargareMary

As I read your post the things that stuck out to me was “would force myself into a religious vocation” and “I had many more cons than pros”. It seems that you have made your decision and that you are looking for confirmation on it.

But if you are still unsure, being in your mid 20s still gives you a few years to decide. Do not rush your decision; do not do something because you think it will make someone else happy. Try going on retreats and such to see if that helps with your choice. As it is your choice no one elses.

I know that this does not help much but trust in God and you will know what His will is for you.

Winter
 
MM,

The only thing I can add to the very good advice already given, is to find a way to work on your communication skills. You will need these no matter what vocation you choose. Good communication skills will also help you in your career (assuming you have one). Many years ago I attended a Dale Carnegie Course and it was extremely helpful.

Saying a prayer for you.
 
My communication skills in the workplace are fine. It’s not personal, it’s just a job. I don’t talk with my coworkers about my personal life and I don’t pry into theirs. Being in a relationship and discerning marriage with another person is very personal, and I have a hard time with that.

While I don’t desire to enter a convent, it is a good thing. And I can recognize that. St. Teresa of Avila struggled to enter the convent and initially forced herself to do so (it’s in her Autobiography). Ultimately I have to do whatever God is calling me to do, I am just having trouble discerning what He is calling me to, and fearful of either… but I feel like the convent is the safest place.
 
Have you determined that you are not being called to the single (but not religious) life?
 
Then it seems you have discerned your state in life – marriage.
 
There is a difference between the single life, and the religious life.
 
But you stated in your prior post that you do not wish to enter a convent and that you had many more cons about entering the religious life than marriage. I guess I am confused because it seems you have stated that you do not feel you are called to the religious life. Is that not the case?
 
I said I do not desire to enter the religious life–I don’t want to do it. I am trying to discern what God wants of me, because at this point I don’t know. I thought I did, but I am having serious second thoughts. My feelings/thoughts change from one day to the next!
 
So sometimes you do wish to enter the religious life? Again, it seems that you have discerned that neither the religious nor single lives are for you, which means that you feel you are called to marriage. Of course, this is not true if sometimes you do feel called to one of the others.
 
😊 It’s complicated.

No, I do not want to enter religious life, but sometimes I think I SHOULD enter religious life. The most important thing in this life is that I save my soul, and religious life seems the easiest way to perfection.

I want to get married and have a beautiful Catholic family, but I don’t know that that is possible. It’s a lot to get along with another person, and it’s hard to sort through what things are ‘dealbreakers’ (i.e., things I would be unable to put up with) and what are things which I should simply ‘get used to’. If I tell myself that something, non-sinful, but which I find annoying about the other person I should just overlook, or put up with it… it’s one thing to say that to myself now–when there is distance between us. But if I married him, I sometimes wonder that I would truly be able to put up with those things that annoy me. And it would be foolish to enter into a marriage expecting someone to change a particular habit. So, I don’t want to be miserable myself-- but I also don’t want to make someone else miserable either!
 
I would recommend continuing to speak with a priest/spiritual director, mentioning the reasons you feel drawn to (or nervous about) different callings/vocations.

I can tell you one thing, though:
No, I do not want to enter religious life, but sometimes I think I SHOULD enter religious life. The most important thing in this life is that I save my soul, and religious life seems the easiest way to perfection.
Click to expand...
This is not good reasoning. Everyone can be saved. And God does not want people going into the religious life because they think an easy way into heaven, he wants people to enter it because they can best use their talents there.
 
I do not have any advice, sadly, but I am keeping you as an extra special intention in my prayers today.
 
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