Trouble finding a practicing wife

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Jan_Pawel_II

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Hi everyone,

I’m currently a college student (21 years old) that’s on track to becoming a doctor. I’ve been a practicing Catholic my entire life and I feel like the vocation of marriage is what I should be pursuing. The problem is, I have trouble meeting practicing Catholic women. I’m friends with quite a few cultural Catholics that I could easily date, but I feel like that could lead me down the path of sin.

Whenever I attend mass, it’s also hard to meet people. Usually everyone runs out right after the mass ends. There’s a youth group in the parish I attend, but it’s mostly filled with younger teenagers (13-17 years old).

What should I do? Are there any prayers specific for finding a spouse?

Thank you and God bless. :highprayer:
 
Jan_Pawel_II said:
Hi everyone,

I’m currently a college student (21 years old) that’s on track to becoming a doctor. I’ve been a practicing Catholic my entire life and I feel like the vocation of marriage is what I should be pursuing. The problem is, I have trouble meeting practicing Catholic women. I’m friends with quite a few cultural Catholics that I could easily date, but I feel like that could lead me down the path of sin.

Whenever I attend mass, it’s also hard to meet people. Usually everyone runs out right after the mass ends. There’s a youth group in the parish I attend, but it’s mostly filled with younger teenagers (13-17 years old).

What should I do? Are there any prayers specific for finding a spouse?

Thank you and God bless. :highprayer:
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I’ll be accused of sexism here, but you need to consider that oftentimes men are the leaders in many relationships. Not in every way, but in a lot of ways.

I recall reading that religiousness on the part of children is largely dependent on whether the father is religious or not. In my opinion, that can apply to wives too. (Can be true of husbands as well, but I’m talking to a guy in this post)

Ever date a relatively indifferent cultural Catholic woman and, at a point, invite her to go to Mass with you? Ever engage one in a serious discussion of what religion is to you? If a relationship is warming up, ever tell one that staying together requires being together in the faith?

Back in my dating days, I went out with some protestant girls as well, and there was almost always some inquiry by them about joining the Church. If protestants do that, then lukewarm Catholics are surely no worse.

Undoubtedly there are culturally Catholic women who have no desire to ever be truly religious, but one needs to realize that stability in one’s mate is a very, very serious thing with women. They think about it a lot more than we men do. And what is a greater insurer or stability than a deeply religious husband?

Yes, both young men and young women go a bit nuts in college. But lapses in character don’t mean either of them are “bad”. And when it comes to going down the path of sin, it takes two, you know. Leadership matters in that too.

Be a leader, pardner, and see what happens. You have time to find out.
 
Jan_Pawel_II said:
Whenever I attend mass, it’s also hard to meet people. Usually everyone runs out right after the mass ends. There’s a youth group in the parish I attend, but it’s mostly filled with younger teenagers (13-17 years old).
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Do you attend a parish or a Newman Center? Many college age young people will be found at the Newman Center near/on campus rather than a parish in the community.

I can suggest the Newman Center. Beyond that, perhaps an online site such as Ave Maria Singles. That’s where I met my husband.
 
Ridgerunner said:
I’ll be accused of sexism here, but you need to consider that oftentimes men are the leaders in many relationships. Not in every way, but in a lot of ways.

I recall reading that religiousness on the part of children is largely dependent on whether the father is religious or not. In my opinion, that can apply to wives too. (Can be true of husbands as well, but I’m talking to a guy in this post)

Ever date a relatively indifferent cultural Catholic woman and, at a point, invite her to go to Mass with you? Ever engage one in a serious discussion of what religion is to you? If a relationship is warming up, ever tell one that staying together requires being together in the faith?
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I think you’ve included enough disclaimers that I’d absolve you of sexism.

However, it seems you are suggesting the OP engage in “missionary dating” and I think that has very different dynamics than for a husband to take a leadership role in marriage.

I can also think of men who fall into the “knight in shining armor” fantasy, very similar to a woman’s “a good woman can reform a bad man” fantasy. Many such men treat their women like wayward children who aren’t really responsible for the sins they commit in their lives, but just need a good man to rescue them from themselves.

I think there does come a point where differences are insurmountable. I certainly wouldn’t encourage a devout Catholic man to date a woman who is fine with premarital sex, contraception and abortion.
 
Are you in the United States? You’re pretty young to be worrying about this: you have medical school, internship, and residency to get through yet. You’ve got a long road to travel before you’re going to be in a position to support a wife. I don’t just mean financially: I mean in terms of availability. Medical school and training will take up a huge amount of your time and energy. You may not be able to give a relationship the attention that it needs for awhile yet.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t date and try to meet practicing Catholic women, but it’s a little early for you to get worried. Anyway, I’d try to get involved with Catholic student groups at your college and steer clear of youth groups. You don’t want to be the creepy guy who is hanging out with 16 year olds when you’re in your twenties. (I’m not saying you actually are creepy, but it might be perceived that way.)
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
Are you in the United States? You’re pretty young to be worrying about this: you have medical school, internship, and residency to get through yet. You’ve got a long road to travel before you’re going to be in a position to support a wife. I don’t just mean financially: I mean in terms of availability. Medical school and training will take up a huge amount of your time and energy. You may not be able to give a relationship the attention that it needs for awhile yet.
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A lot of future doctors do have kids in medical school/residency, but it is true that the OP is going to be very mobile for the next few years, so it might make sense to wait to look until he is in an area where he’s going to be for at least several years. Not that he should wait if he finds somebody absolutely wonderful, but just that it gets harder to date when both parties know you are leaving the area soon.
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
You’ve got a long road to travel before you’re going to be in a position to support a wife. I don’t just mean financially: I mean in terms of availability. Medical school and training will take up a huge amount of your time and energy. You may not be able to give a relationship the attention that it needs for awhile yet.
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That is the road many take. But not all. I have two sets of friends where the husband is a doctor and the couple met and married in college (undergrad) before medical school. In one case the wife worked as a teacher while the husband was in medical school and in the other the wife worked at a non-profit. Both had children while the husband was in medical school. It’s just what they decided they wanted to do as a family. Doesn’t seem either family was harmed. In the case of the first pair, the husband accepted a position in a rural medical corps which paid off most of his student loans.
 
Do you belong to a prayer group?
Are you looking too hard for a wife instead of just looking for people to be friends with?
Allow a relationship to grow organically.
When I started college, it was not with the intention of pursuing an MRS. degree. Even so I had a list of qualities in my mind of the person I wanted should he come along.
Somehow I turned the head of a man who was considering returning to seminary. I made a strange discovery. I wasn’t in love with the man who had the qualities I sought. I was in love with the man who bought out the qualities I sought in me.
I had to explain this strange phenomenon to those who thought I was still young when I married.
It does make life easier when the spouse already shares your Faith. We also share the same blood type, important to me in case of medical emergency.

My brother had no problem marrying a Buddhist from Thailand. Her refusal to convert for his sake was met by my parents with “she has the strength of her convictions.” She is now a strong practicing Catholic who converted of her own accord.

Know your own values, and the strength of your Faith. Continue learning.
Develop friendships without worrying so much about where they will lead at this point in time. One of those cultural Catholics that you have been seeing may have a stronger faith than you give her credit for.
 
1ke said:
That is the road many take. But not all. I have two sets of friends where the husband is a doctor and the couple met and married in college (undergrad) before medical school. In one case the wife worked as a teacher while the husband was in medical school and in the other the wife worked at a non-profit. Both had children while the husband was in medical school. It’s just what they decided they wanted to do as a family. Doesn’t seem either family was harmed. In the case of the first pair, the husband accepted a position in a rural medical corps which paid off most of his student loans.
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I can also think of a doctor couple who dated many years through both undergraduate college and medical school before eventually marrying during residency. It seems most on CAF would disapprove of such a long engagement, but it worked for them.
 
Jan_Pawel_II said:
Hi everyone,

I’m currently a college student (21 years old) that’s on track to becoming a doctor. I’ve been a practicing Catholic my entire life and I feel like the vocation of marriage is what I should be pursuing. The problem is, I have trouble meeting practicing Catholic women. I’m friends with quite a few cultural Catholics that I could easily date, but I feel like that could lead me down the path of sin.

Whenever I attend mass, it’s also hard to meet people. Usually everyone runs out right after the mass ends. There’s a youth group in the parish I attend, but it’s mostly filled with younger teenagers (13-17 years old).

What should I do? Are there any prayers specific for finding a spouse?

Thank you and God bless. :highprayer:
Click to expand...
You’re 21. Focus on your studies.
 
Is there a Newman center or Catholic campus chapel near you? Most medical schools are affiliated with a university that would have some kind of Catholic ministry. There are also usually chapters of the Christian Medical and Dental Association that may be good places to meet like-minded women. I wouldn’t spend too much time fretting over this now though- focus on your studies and put yourself in social situations where you are likely to meet faithful people.
 
Ridgerunner said:
I’ll be accused of sexism here, but you need to consider that oftentimes men are the leaders in many relationships. Not in every way, but in a lot of ways.

I recall reading that religiousness on the part of children is largely dependent on whether the father is religious or not. In my opinion, that can apply to wives too. (Can be true of husbands as well, but I’m talking to a guy in this post)

Ever date a relatively indifferent cultural Catholic woman and, at a point, invite her to go to Mass with you? Ever engage one in a serious discussion of what religion is to you? If a relationship is warming up, ever tell one that staying together requires being together in the faith?

Back in my dating days, I went out with some protestant girls as well, and there was almost always some inquiry by them about joining the Church. If protestants do that, then lukewarm Catholics are surely no worse.

Undoubtedly there are culturally Catholic women who have no desire to ever be truly religious, but one needs to realize that stability in one’s mate is a very, very serious thing with women. They think about it a lot more than we men do. And what is a greater insurer or stability than a deeply religious husband?

Yes, both young men and young women go a bit nuts in college. But lapses in character don’t mean either of them are “bad”. And when it comes to going down the path of sin, it takes two, you know. Leadership matters in that too.

Be a leader, pardner, and see what happens. You have time to find out.
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smallcat said:
Is there a Newman center or Catholic campus chapel near you? Most medical schools are affiliated with a university that would have some kind of Catholic ministry. There are also usually chapters of the Christian Medical and Dental Association that may be good places to meet like-minded women. I wouldn’t spend too much time fretting over this now though- focus on your studies and put yourself in social situations where you are likely to meet faithful people.
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Know your own Faith and who you are before bringing somebody else into a more permanent relationship.
University is a time when much learning takes place outside the classroom. It is a time for developing platonic relationships. One of those may grow into something more. Don’t force it, or expect the other person to change for you.
 
There is a couple in my homeschooling group that met on catholicmatch.com and then she moved from out of state to here so that they could get married. They are both very devout, daily mass attenders. He is a pharmacist.

They now have a daughter named Francis after Pope Francis. She was born right around his election by the cardinals. It is a sweet family. Before she told me their story I wouldn’t have been an advocate of meeting people online, but it sure worked out well for them.
 
In addition to the other suggestions here, call your arch/diocese and find out where young adult groups are (please note I did not say youth groups). Also ask if there is anything like Theology on Tap or other young adult events (say your age). Ask where the parishes are with people or groups your age. It’s difficult to meet someone at Mass, but you may be able to meet someone in a group or service organization. Reach out to your priest as he may know some young ladies who may be a good match for you.
 
1ke said:
That is the road many take. But not all. I have two sets of friends where the husband is a doctor and the couple met and married in college (undergrad) before medical school. In one case the wife worked as a teacher while the husband was in medical school and in the other the wife worked at a non-profit. Both had children while the husband was in medical school. It’s just what they decided they wanted to do as a family. Doesn’t seem either family was harmed. In the case of the first pair, the husband accepted a position in a rural medical corps which paid off most of his student loans.
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Oh, I know it can be done. Not saying it’s one size fits all. Just warning the OP not to underestimate what’s in front of him. It can take a toll on relationships. My wife and I started dating just after she graduated med school, so we were together all through her intern year, and then got married just as she finished her residency. It’s doable, but it is rough.
 
Many people have told the OP “don’t worry about it, you’re too young to get married anyway” but I can think of many people who did marry at the OP’s age. Granted most were young women who expected only to be wives and mothers and didn’t have any particular interest in higher education or a career. But some were men.

I also know some Catholics think that there is no point to dating at all, unless you can see yourself getting married in the next 1-2 years.

But while the OP may not be ready to marry right now, I don’t think it’s too early for him to find out what his deal breakers are. Certainly many Catholics would only consider dating other Catholics. I don’t blame anyone for only dating Catholics who have a similar level of devoutness.
 
I have to say the woman I’m interested in at the moment and actually for the last seven years but is actually starting to seem interested in me I hope is Anglican (ACNA) and there just aren’t that many Catholics in the South well some parts of the south there are, like Louisiana. I, however live in South Carolina. I mean with the girl I’m telling you about we’ve discussed being married before and I told her my kids had to be raised Catholic but she was fine with and hey if she really does want to be with me, and vice versa, I know that we can attend Anglican use Mass up in the upstate. I would prefer a woman would convert to Catholicism before she was with me but that’s got to be up to their conscience. I mean you can always talk to a Protestant about that about why they aren’t Catholic some of them might not have good reason some of them might have very good reasons or at least according to them
 
ToeInTheWater said:
I think you’ve included enough disclaimers that I’d absolve you of sexism.

However, it seems you are suggesting the OP engage in “missionary dating” and I think that has very different dynamics than for a husband to take a leadership role in marriage.

I can also think of men who fall into the “knight in shining armor” fantasy, very similar to a woman’s “a good woman can reform a bad man” fantasy. Many such men treat their women like wayward children who aren’t really responsible for the sins they commit in their lives, but just need a good man to rescue them from themselves.

I think there does come a point where differences are insurmountable. I certainly wouldn’t encourage a devout Catholic man to date a woman who is fine with premarital sex, contraception and abortion.
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How is it put in the bible? To be wise as serpents, but as gentle as doves?

In the dating game, one has to be practical as well as romantic. Never, ever, ever would I have thought to reform someone by our relationship. But one has to learn how to read true character, and one always needs to attempt to draw out of another person that which is best in his/her character. And that, I maintain, is learned by knowing oneself, dating a lot and not assuming the surface presentation is all there is.

But I’ll admit I had an advantage. I was exposed to a lot of women over my time as a bachelor, and was not easy to persuade.

Let me add that premarital sex and believing in abortion are two different things altogether. I would not hold the first against a woman if, say, she thought she was in love before. I would never marry a woman who believed in the latter, period, as I would not be complicit in the killing of my own children.
 
Ridgerunner said:
Let me add that premarital sex and believing in abortion are two different things altogether. I would not hold the first against a woman if, say, she thought she was in love before. I would never marry a woman who believed in the latter, period, as I would not be complicit in the killing of my own children.
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Well, I wasn’t referring to people who have had a history of premarital sex, but of people who see no issue with continuing to do it.

Now, you may think it doesn’t really matter if a woman is more “liberal” on this issue than a man, because you envision a manly man taking a leadership role and stating “I know you’ve had sex before, but as the man, I’m stating we’re not having sex until marriage, that’s that” and the woman saying “okay, I agree, what you say goes, no sex until marriage, yep!”

Now, as a woman I’d find such an ultimatum to be quite controlling and intolerable. Not because of the principle, but the sentiment, that the man in a relationship can make all the decisions with no room for discussion, as a matter of course. But I guess some women would like that kind of relationship.

However, it is not just men who pressure women into sex these days. And it’s not just “loose” women who do that. Many women have bought into the secular idea that “love = sex”, so they assume think that “if he doesn’t want to have sex with me it’s because he doesn’t find me attractive enough, or because he doesn’t really want to be committed to me”. Such a woman could definitely set out to lure a man into bed, not because of lust, but because they truly believe they have to have sex with a man to be sure he loves them.
 
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