Dear Faithfully,
I am sorry I have given the impression that I blame another woman for the failures of my marriage. I have said repeatedly that she is not to blame, at least not originally. However, I stand by my statement that if I were in her place, I would leave the choir, and I feel that by not doing so, she is knowingly placing a constant temptation in my husband’s path. To believe this is not the same as believing liquor stores should close because there are alcoholics in the world. It is closer to believing that a friend should avoid placing a bottle of scotch right in front of his friend with a drinking problem. My husband may not have an addiction per se, but he was unable to get this woman out of his thoughts, and her presence certainly made it impossible for him not to.
But let me use a different example. In our parish, there is a beautiful posterq asking the women to dress modestly (no shorts, tank tops, etc). It mentions Our Lady of Fatima and how she told Jacinta, one of the children at Fatima, that immodest dress would cause many sins in the future. The poster in our church asks women to dress modestly so that, while they are at Mass, the men are not distracted by impure thoughts. It is designed for women to realize that, while we may not be directly responsible for the impure thoughts of men, as Christians we want to help each other avoid sin rather than cause temptation. So, it asks the women kindly to dress modestly so that everyone at church can focus on Jesus. I feel similarly about the woman in the choir. I feel is shows a certain callous disregard for me, and for the sacrament of marriage, for her to remain as a temptation to my husband and a source of pain for me.Need the temptation be only sexual to count? Was not the temptation to desire to marry her, and to offer all his prayers and works and Masses for her, and to carry her picture, not great enough?
Let me add that this woman was my friend. Not a close friend, but a fellow singer who had come to my home many times and whose kids were involved with my kids in many church activities. I have given gifts to her children for their First Communions and Confirmations. Let me also add that, having told her about this incident, I have never mentioned it again. I have remained unfailingly kind and friendly toward her. The choir practice is no longer in my home (we moved it to the church 2 years ago because some members were allergic to my daughter’s new kitten), but prior to that, I had her in my home for rehearsal where I also cooked dinner for over a dozen people every week for several years. I think I was right to tell her, not only because I hoped she would leave, but because I felt that I myself would have wanted to be aware if someone else’s husband had his eye on me. But I certainly cannot be faulted for any unkindness toward her.
As for “making my husband leave,” that is hardly possible. It is also hardly possible to simply tell him to direct a choir elsewhere. I know your suggestions are well-meant, but a little unrealistic, and because this is only the internet, you can’t be blamed for not really knowing the whole situation. When he has offered to leave, it was more to silence me than to help. He wanted to make sure that his leaving would mean I would never mention this again. It was not out of a desire to help me heal. It was to get him off the hook. Therefore, if I said to him that leaving would be a “start,” no, it wouldn’t. It would be an END to any efforts on his part. He is not interested in making any efforts. If he left, he would consider himself to have done a heroic act, and would expect me to be thanking him for it for the rest of my life. Faithfully, you have had a tone of cynicism about everything I have written as though you don’t believe me, but I’m afraid this is the truth. This is why I did not accept his offer. It is not stubbornness; I would love nothing more than for the choir to cease to be a part of our life. But he would only resent leaving, and then blame me for it for the rest of his life. However misguided this may be, he would blame me for the loss of this important thing in his life. Maybe then the woman would be less of a presence, but he would deeply resent me so it would not help our marriage, it would make it worse.
He had done nothing to try to help me heal, or to heal our marriage.Instead of becoming transparent like most psychologists suggest when there has been a betrayal, he has become more secretive. He has many password-protected gadgets and computers so that I can never again stumble on any of his private information. By the way, that’s how I found the vow. We shared a computer, and it had a file name similar to a file of mine that I was looking for, and so I opened it by mistake. After that, which was accidental, you bet I did some searching! I certainly don’t deny that at that point, his privacy ceased to be the most important thing. (I asked a priest on the internet about this and he agreed that since I had been betrayed, I had a right to know the extent of it without relying on my husband’s word which had proven to be untrustworthy. He also added that, in this case, my feelings of jealousy were not a sin because I only wished to reclaim what belonged to me-- my husband’s fidelity and love–rather than desiring something that belonged to someone else.) Anyway, that’s when I came up with her photo and other things he wrote about her, including an imaginary romantic scenario between the two of them.
