Trouble forgiving or getting over something wife said

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sfleet

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To start I know I’m partially responsible for my wife’s anger or frustration with me. We are both in RCIA and I feel like it is tearing us apart.

You can search my other posts and see that I have made my fair share of mistakes but I’ve never laid hands on my wife or cursed at her. I know I’m not the most compassionate and understanding person.

The other night we got into a discussion about coming into the church and I’m really struggling to understand how she can have doubts on one hand but then still be contemplating joining the church. She hasn’t even told her parents or friends she may join, and it is right around the corner. So I’m sure I expressed my frustration and lack of understanding the other night. At the end of the conversation she said “I f@$king hate you” and flipped me off and that ended the conversation. She apologized for saying it but I’m still struggling. Something like coming into the church should be a happy and joyous event and it has not been that way thus far.

I know I’m at fault for some of the situation, but I can’t understand such vitriolic words being used on your spouse.
 
Sorry to hear that. You will get over it. At least she apologized. I don’t know if this is on the same level or perhaps even worse but when I was still a kid (probably somewhere between 12 and 14) my mother flipped out on me (I cannot remember why) she kind of tried to choke me or something and she also told me “F— you”. She is actually a very clam, patient Christian woman. Very self sacrificing and caring. She just had a lapse in Judgement and lost her cool. It happens. Just remember that you want forgiveness for the times you mess up. Both from others and most importantly God. I am sure you know that God says that if we do not forgive, he will not forgive us either. Give it time. I am sure you will forgive.

I can also recall one time when I was a kid where my Grandfather was getting frustrated with my grandmother about teaching her how to work the air conditioner on the car or something. He told her “you see my finger?” while pointing to the button. My Grandmother in turn tells him “You see my finger?!?” and she flipped him the bird lol. I think that was the only time I ever saw my Grandmother do that and it was to my Grandfather lol. They really loved each other. I am sure my Grandfather got over it not very long afterward.

Congrats on coming home to The Church. I myself am a convert and went through RCIA 2 years ago. God bless you and your household.
 
I would try to see it not so much as vitriolic as it is childish. That is not what a mature person does with her anger. You don’t join the Church as a finished product. You join so you can pursue sanctity, to get help in maturing in the spiritual life and to be strengthened in the work of “putting on Christ.” That isn’t a one-year project that will be finished by Easter Vigil.

Oh, and read the Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor (Matthew 18:21-35). That usually helps get us from parrot talk about forgiveness and back on track towards the real thing. Go in the right direction; that is the main thing.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
Sorry to hear that. You will get over it. At least she apologized. I don’t know if this is on the same level or perhaps even worse but when I was still a kid (probably somewhere between 12 and 14) my mother flipped out on me (I cannot remember why) she kind of tried to choke me or something and she also told me “F— you”. She is actually a very clam, patient Christian woman. Very self sacrificing and caring. She just had a lapse in Judgement and lost her cool. It happens. Just remember that you want forgiveness for the times you mess up. Both from others and most importantly God. I am sure you know that God says that if we do not forgive, he will not forgive us either. Give it time. I am sure you will forgive.

I can also recall one time when I was a kid where my Grandfather was getting frustrated with my grandmother about teaching her how to work the air conditioner on the car or something. He told her “you see my finger?” while pointing to the button. My Grandmother in turn tells him “You see my finger?!?” and she flipped him the bird lol. I think that was the only time I ever saw my Grandmother do that and it was to my Grandfather lol. They really loved each other. I am sure my Grandfather got over it not very long afterward.

Congrats on coming home to The Church. I myself am a convert and went through RCIA 2 years ago. God bless you and your household.
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Humor is the great repairer of marital rifts. John Gottman, the marriage researcher, related a story about a couple fighting in which the wife, getting the worse of it, stuck her tongue out at her husband. Both spouses thought that childish gesture actually expressed her frustration in a humorous way, and it dialed down the tension. (The trick is having a* shared* sense of humor at a time like that!)
 
Honestly, it seems like the stress of converting is taking its toll on the both of you. Joining the Church is like getting married. It’s a joyous event, but in doing so, you are committing yourself for life (in marriage, to each other; in converting to the Church - to Jesus Christ). Now, I’ve been Catholic my entire life. But I remember when I was planning to marry my wife, I was nervous - and most nervous on the wedding day itself. As such, even though it’s joyous, it’s stressful. It was her stress talking. She apologized, let it go.
 
Have you and your wife discussed these issues with your priest or RCIA sponsors?

It seems the pressures of the RCIA process leading to a finite conclusion soon are weighing on you both. But if you - separately or together - are not ready for it, then there is no harm in defering. Do not feel rushed into this - the Church will accept you with open arms when you are ready, on your time, not an arbitrary schedule.

Please note I am not discouraging you from joining the Church. There is no other place to call home. But don’t sacrifice the wellbeing of your marriage to get there sooner than you are ready.

PS there are “doubts” and there are “doubts”. Not all doubts are a problem in being Catholic. Perhaps your priest, rather than you, should help your wife work through them. Husbands and wives do not usually make the best spiritual advisors for each other.
 
I don’t often bring up the devil, but I would say that he does exist, he does try and turn us away from the Church and our spuose, and he may be partly to blame here.

He likes to destroy marriages and definitely does not want you to join the Catholic Church.

Forgive her with all your heart, so that the evil one will have no power over your marriage.

People can have violent bursts of emotion that they can’t control. You are likely not of the temperament that has such a problem, but your wife could well be.
 
I think that both underacloud and jamal had some good points in their posts. I would forgive your wife. It sounds like both of you are just really stressed-out about what is happening right now.

LaughingBoy, thanks for sharing that story about your Grandparents, and the air conditioning in the car! It really made me laugh! :rotfl:

My husband and I use humor all of the time to diffuse arguments, and it works for us. 🙂
 
sfleet said:
To start I know I’m partially responsible for my wife’s anger or frustration with me. We are both in RCIA and I feel like it is tearing us apart.

You can search my other posts and see that I have made my fair share of mistakes but I’ve never laid hands on my wife or cursed at her. I know I’m not the most compassionate and understanding person.

The other night we got into a discussion about coming into the church and I’m really struggling to understand how she can have doubts on one hand but then still be contemplating joining the church. She hasn’t even told her parents or friends she may join, and it is right around the corner. So I’m sure I expressed my frustration and lack of understanding the other night. At the end of the conversation she said “I f@$king hate you” and flipped me off and that ended the conversation. She apologized for saying it but I’m still struggling. Something like coming into the church should be a happy and joyous event and it has not been that way thus far.

I know I’m at fault for some of the situation, but I can’t understand such vitriolic words being used on your spouse.
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Is she just joining the Church in an attempt to try to please you, not for herself? If she is not ready, I would say not to force her, because you now see what happens. Let it be HER decision, HER idea to join rather than yours.

She doesn’t sound like she’s into RCIA or ready to join the Church. It needs to be joyful, and if it’s not, it’s not the right time. I would think of it a little like trying to force a flower to bloom before its time. It needs to be voluntary.

Insofar as communication is concerned, whether she joins the Church, or not, that kind of interaction needs to STOP!

There is marriage counseling, but one of the first things they will do is to try to STOP any physical or verbal abuse. …number one.

How long has this verbal abuse been going on?

In order to recover from that, even for one criticism…“suggestion”, counselors ask we counterbalance it with at least 5 positive things, compliments.

Now, you may be having difficulty forgiving, in part, because it’s so unbalanced.

However, equally, I would say not to try to force this, that it will only backfire. Nagging is generally not only not helpful but off putting.

Leave her be. If she goes to RCIA, she goes. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Invite but I think pressure will cause her to want to resist. When she is ready to go, she will go.
Accept her, and love her, for who she is. Then, take it from there.

Good luck! 👍
 
If the topic of religion is that volatile, maybe best to call a “truce”, even if it’s only temporary, to get some degree of peace on Earth and in the home!

For the moment, why not just agree to disagree on a few things, and leave it at that?

Talk about what you have in common…which is a LOT! Change the subject, and give religion a break for a while. Take a breather.
 
I have lost my temper with Anti-Catholics (including someone very close to me), and whilst I have done my fair share of dropping F-bombs (not the best idea to win an argument), I would never tell someone that I hate them. That being said, I think you should talk to a priest about it (as you said you were in RCIA), and do try not to do it again. I have never been married (engaged twice, though), so I can’t say I completely understand, but I do understand the frustration. Don’t despair mate, pray. An apology won’t change what you said, but if you do end up saying it again, always been ready to. Sounds to me like y’all need to talk. My elder sister once said I was the reason my elder father died. I overreacted. Badly. I also know my sister has some issues, and I probably gave her more fuel. (I love my sister, don’t get me wrong). Anyway, I hope y’all can get reconciled.
 
ClearWater said:
If the topic of religion is that volatile, maybe best to call a “truce”, even if it’s only temporary, to get some degree of peace on Earth and in the home!

For the moment, why not just agree to disagree on a few things, and leave it at that?

Talk about what you have in common…which is a LOT! Change the subject, and give religion a break for a while. Take a breather.
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Yes. When you go through RCIA, you have people to help you discern whether you want to do this. You do not need other catechumens sticking their noses in, not even your husband.

If I were getting ready to get married or to accept an important position or make some other big commitment in my life and someone in the family kept badgering me because I didn’t seem sure enough or happy enough about it to please them, and they complained to me that this frustrated them, I’d resent it, too. She ought to try to keep her cool, but I can totally see why she might be upset with that.
 
I would also say that this is a classic case of a man not affirming a woman’s feelings. It is perfectly OK for her to be uncertain. Frankly,it seems you are being insensitive.
 
Don’t rely on your feelings more than your intellect in deciding whether to join the Church or not. Our sensibilities are marred by physical weakness and by the devil.

If you feel unhappy or uncomfortable about joining the Church, don’t use that alone as a reason to quit the classes.

The ‘my burden is easy and my yolk is light’ part comes after one endures the deserts described in the old testament, where the Israelites had to suffer through the wilderness in order to reach the peace of the Promised Land.

:hmmm:
 
Remember the enemy will be trying to use whatever means he can to put a wedge between you, particularly as you progress along a deeper walk of faith. Be on the lookout as Peter tells us, the devil does prowl around looking for someone (or some marriage), to devour.

Recognizing that you have personality characteristics which might be contributing to the discord is a good first step in minimizing their effects.

Good luck.
 
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink!” I actually tried to lead a horse to water here in Mexico, could NOT get him to drink! So, that seems to even, literally, be true!

She’ll go when she’s ready, not before. Take the pressure off, and you may find that she may even want to go. Her motivation needs to be because SHE believes (not you). If she has ANY doubts, she’s not ready.

This is a big step, commitment, sort of like marriage. I tell people who are considering marriage that if they have ANY doubts, to resolve those, first, wait till they are certain.
 
JamalChristophr said:
I would also say that this is a classic case of a man not affirming a woman’s feelings. It is perfectly OK for her to be uncertain…
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Yes, and you should understand that your wife is a distinct person with her own personality traits and her own struggles. Perhaps she is more cautious than you, or more anxious about how family and friends will respond.

Accept it. Do not expect or demand that she be just like you. Resist the urge to analyze her or criticize her.

Go with it. Work with it. Look for positive ways to support her conversion. Do not create impediments by quibbling over your small differences.

Celebrate it. Give thanks to God for the beauty and wisdom of marriage, which joins two people from different families with all their differences, so that all may benefit. Saint Paul told how our faith is strengthened and the church is built up by combining our strengths (1 Corinthians 12).

Paul wrote also about love. This passage might be helpful in your present difficulties:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition
I think you and your wife are doing fine. God bless you.
 
How can your wife speak to you that way? It’s not unusual when someone is experiencing extreme frustration. What else is going on in your marriage? What has decided you both to attend RCIA at the same time? Is one of you perhaps going just to please the other? What I have usually seen is one partner going first then later the other will either be inspired to join or not. Don’t make too much of her outburst,but make sure you’re both on the same page.
 
Adelphine said:
How can your wife speak to you that way? It’s not unusual when someone is experiencing extreme frustration. What else is going on in your marriage? What has decided you both to attend RCIA at the same time? Is one of you perhaps going just to please the other? What I have usually seen is one partner going first then later the other will either be inspired to join or not. Don’t make too much of her outburst,but make sure you’re both on the same page.
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I agree.

And you seem to keep saying, “I know a bunch of this is my fault…” and then glossing over this fact to focus on her behavior. You can only control yourself. What has happened, and what are you doing, that contributes to her frustration, anger, etc? You’ve already shared that you two are butting heads over your sudden change of position on contraception. Without going into the religious argument (which seems to be your main focus), suffice to say that you two were married based upon shared agreement, and you have now changed that agreement unilaterally, in a way she doesn’t support. And your change now affects her in a very direct, negative, and possibly coercive way. Who wouldn’t be angry?

I’m guessing there are probably other areas of life where you’ve made unilateral changes in favor of your religious shift that impact you both. Start with these. I keep reading your focus that “she’s not happy! She should be happy!” But why would she be, if these unilateral changes are tearing the marriage apart? (And candidly, why would you be happy, if this is destroying your marriage? You also express your own personal frustration & anger. This is NOT happy.)

Honestly, I’d be running for some marriage counseling for you both.
 
Thank you all for the replies and suggestions.

I’ve come to realize I need to just take a “chill pill” and let whatever will be, be.

I’m a “fixer/doer” by nature and when i see a “problem” i try to fix it. This is tremendously effecting how I’ve been acting in this situation.

Thank you again and prayerfully by the grace of God I can have the grace and charity to know when to speak but more importantly when not to speak.
 
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