Trouble Keeping my Family Together

  • Thread starter Thread starter maryjane123
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That’s just it. He HAS been doing it all these years. He’s been unfaithful in just about every way, according to maryjane, brings up divorce as a manipulative device because he knows she will cave, is demanding, disrespectful to the pint of being verbally abusive, and controlling to the point where he tells her when she can eat and what she can eat.
 
she’s complaining about him alot. but what about her? a relationship has two different people involved. he seems like a child, throwing temper tantrums the way he is behaving with his wife. obviously she has some sense in the way she deals with stress, but it seems like her husband has never developed it.

i think divorce is too quick in everyone’s minds. he has stayed with her, expressed his love at various moments, and is the father of her child. there is no way to bring that back if she does get a divorce. no one else will be able replace that.

he seems to be having difficulties emotionally and he takes it out on his wife. i would recommend reading books about dealing with men who have not developed emotional reasoning. this plagues many men, they do not know how to deal with emotions and only react with anger and manipulation. i think she needs to sort of treat him as though he was a troubled teenager, because obviously he hasn’t developed much further.
 
If he is abusive, she needs to leave NOW, as soon as she can develop an escape plan. Would you rather she died, or was horribly injured?

That does not necessarily mean divorce. The Church has always been accepting of couples in dangerous situations separating, at least for a time.
 
Separate bank accounts and constant threats of divorce are symptoms of a controlling person. He is not a good man; you man see him as one, or wish he was one, but he is not.

As others have said, there are too many red flags in your posts to point out; essentially, they are one long string of red.

For the sake of your children, you must learn to exert some self-reliance. You must confront him, in a calm way, and demand change. Demand he become the husband that Christ requires. Demand he treat you and your children with respect.

Your children are learning what a marriage is. Is this the lesson you want them to learn? When your daughter marries a man just like Daddy, are you going to be happy? When your son behaves just like Daddy will you be pleased?

Time to make some hard decisions, draw some lines that cannot be crossed and give that old spine a workout. It sounds like it hasn’t had one in a while. For the good of your children, if not yourself, remember how to use it.

Sadly, the one who cares the least about the marriage has the most power. Remember that - he does.
 
This is not a man who plans to take care of you in your old age. And he knows because you have not commingled retirement funds, he can get out of the marriage with his money and leave you with little.

Red flags all over the place. Big ones.

Not an expert, but my xh had severe issues with growing up without the love of his father. And he took it out on me.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=249609&highlight=Narcissistic+Personality+Disorder

You might want to go over and take a look.

I suspect there is an avalanche of stuff you haven’t told us.

And to the poster who said she is part of the problem… what a nice post! She has maintained a facade and a shell and has no emotional support for herself and is trying to keep her life together. It’s hollow. And he tells her what to eat???

Get counseling. Make your decisions from a point of view of strength and solid information.
19 years of being treated like garbage is about 18.5 years too many.
 
Oh, and another thing: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If/when you’re ready to leave this abusive situation, in no way are you allowed to tell yourself that you “failed” or some-such crapola, okay? So just get that through your head now, sweet gal. ❤️
 
elliejanba said:
she hasn’t been posting…
Click to expand...
Hmmm, maybe because someone yet again told her everything is her fault?

The guy is an abuser… the fact that she has basically always had to chase him and kill herself to hold onto him means he’s never been seriously invested in this relationship. She should never have married him and certainly should never have obligated children to have him as their father…

BUT now that she has done that, she has to protect her children, and her children’s mother. This is not a healthy situation for her or the kids.

maryjane… he is not going to change, he is not going to suddenly become a tender and caring husband and father. And even if someday he would, how much time do you think you have? Children only have one chance at their formative years… Get out while you can, and make sure you take him to court for child support, etc. Don’t trust any deal he wants to make outside the courts. Also, document his abusive comments, controlling behavior, and any episodes of violence, even if it’s just throwing objects. You might be able to get the court to restrict his visitation rights to supervised only. I sure wouldn’t want to think of him alone with the kids without your moderating influence.
 
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