Trouble with my family again

[DarkLight]

I know, I know, I need to move out. Believe me, I’m working on it. I need a car first though, and I don’t want to take out a loan (public transit around here just isn’t going to get me to and from work).

A lot of it is I feel like the standards are very unfairly applied. It’s ok for my mother to say something to me, but when I say almost the same exact thing back to her about how I feel like I’m being treated, it’s horrendously rude and how dare I accuse her of that sort of thing.

One big one is she has this rule that when one person brings up a problem, it’s not ok to respond with a problem of your own. Which would be a great rule if it was applied fairly. The trouble is it’s not. So when I bring up a problem I’m having, she’ll respond with a problem she’s having with me, often not even acknowledging the problem I mentioned. But if I then respond back with my issues, I’m being rude because she brought up a problem and I’m responding by turning the conversation back to the issue I’m having.

I also feel like I get a lot of dismissive language. Like if I say “I feel like when you say X, it really hurts me” I get responses like “well that’s just how you feel, feelings aren’t reality.” Or if I say “I have a problem with X” I get told “Well there are two people here, it’s not all about you.” Basically feeling like any time I try to ask for equal consideration as an adult, I’m being treated like I’m being selfish and making it all about myself.

Basically, I feel like she’s creating an environment where I’m expected to put up with whatever she does, even if I find it rude or hurtful or whatever. But I’m also expected to be unfailingly polite and never show any frustration or irritation. She’ll say I should talk things out with her instead, but when I try to talk frustrations out I get shut down.

How do I keep myself sane in the meantime?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Get a loan and a car.

 

[DarkLight]

Get a loan and a car.

Honestly, part of my concern is that in this area of the country, I’m not sure I could swing a car payment and rent - and I really don’t think I have the strength to take on another job with my health being what it is. It sucks, but this is a fairly high cost of living area and I don’t make a huge amount (plus there’s that whole high-deductible health plan).

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Honestly, part of my concern is that in this area of the country, I’m not sure I could swing a car payment and rent - and I really don’t think I have the strength to take on another job with my health being what it is. It sucks, but this is a fairly high cost of living area and I don’t make a huge amount (plus there’s that whole high-deductible health plan).

There is always a reason to avoid doing what you have to do. Get a cheap car.
You post these things and never do what needs to be done. Not sure what else anyone can say that will help your situation

 

[DarkLight]

There is always a reason to avoid doing what you have to do. Get a cheap car.
You post these things and never do what needs to be done. Not sure what else anyone can say that will help your situation

Look, what I’m looking for at the moment is how to manage to survive with what I have to work with - which right now, with an honest evaluation of my finances, doesn’t really support moving out. I think I can judge my own financial situation just fine, and I’m asking what to do in the meantime.

 

[1ke]

Stop expecting her to act like a normal person. You are let down because you continue to operate as if she is going to behave like a loving mother. She is not. She is going to behave like a crazy person.

So, change your expectations and your responses to the crazy, Stop bringing up frustrations and problems to her. Stop initiating.

 

[DarkLight]

Stop expecting her to act like a normal person. You are let down because you continue to operate as if she is going to behave like a loving mother. She is not. She is going to behave like a crazy person.

So, change your expectations and your responses to the crazy, Stop bringing up frustrations and problems to her. Stop initiating.

A lot of it is just trouble keeping my cool. So like today, she’s poking at me, and I’m getting more and more frustrated and it’s starting to show in my tone of voice and body language, especially since I’m already feeling lousy. And of course she notices I’m getting frustrated with her and it turns into a big thing about how disrespectful I am and how dare I get upset at her and all that.

 

[pianistclare]

She said stop initiating.
Yet, you keep doing it. You can’t do the exact same thing and expect a totally different response.

 

[egretps]

DarkLight, understand that one day you will be out on your own. Quite possibly your parents will not out-live you. So grab what-ever happiness you can with your limited time with them. Pray for them, maybe even a Novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots or Our Lady of Fatima. It would be a way of Honoring them.

Parents are not perfect people, and one day you will most likely not be living under their authority.

I know that is not coping strategies but it’s something to remember.

I suggest consider Pier Giorgio Frassatti. He had parents who were not really believers in the Church or Our Lord, and they really didn’t understand him. Sometimes they were a little too harsh on him. His life story I wish I had known when I was young.

Also, I suggest you spend a little time every week alone with Our Lord if you have access to Eucharistic Adoration. I had lived a few years withing walking distance to a 24/7 Chapel. I had a couple of years where I sometimes would go before and after work, and sometimes the middle of the night.

 

[DarkLight]

She said stop initiating.
Yet, you keep doing it. You can’t do the exact same thing and expect a totally different response.

What I’m trying to say is I’m not necessarily “initiating.” Rather, a lot of the problem is that I struggle to perfectly keep my cool in certain situations. Like today, she overhears me dealing with a situation completely unrelated to her on the phone and starts interrupting my call and poking at me to tell me how I’m handling it wrong. I start to get annoyed - I don’t say anything, but it starts to show in my body language. She picks up on that and it ends up being another big issue.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Do you have an escape plan in the long run? I think all you can do is try to save up, look at getting a better paid job and get out of there because I doubt your mother is going to change.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

What I’m trying to say is I’m not necessarily “initiating.” Rather, a lot of the problem is that I struggle to perfectly keep my cool in certain situations. Like today, she overhears me dealing with a situation completely unrelated to her on the phone and starts interrupting my call and poking at me to tell me how I’m handling it wrong. I start to get annoyed - I don’t say anything, but it starts to show in my body language. She picks up on that and it ends up being another big issue.

Are you able to move to another room, or speak lower so she can’t hear you as well?

 

[PseuTonym]

How do I keep myself sane in the meantime?

I don’t know whether or not it’s practical advice, but I cannot help thinking of something in Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison:

On his deathbed he called my father to him and said, “Son, after I’m gone I want you to keep up the good fight. I never told you, but our life is a war and I have been a traitor all my born days, a spy in the enemy’s country ever since I give up my gun back in the Reconstruction. Live with your head in the lion’s mouth. I want you to overcome 'em with yeses, undermine 'em with grins, agree 'em to death and destruction, let 'em swoller you till they vomit or bust wide open…Learn it to the younguns,” he whispered fiercely; then he died.

 

[Irishmom2]

Look, to put this quite bluntly, you are in a way, a guest in your mom’s house. If you are an adult, she has no obligation to gave you there, though many parents allow their children to stay on. So, yes, she does get to make the “rules.”

If you wish to live there and you know that she is a certain way that causes you to butt heads all the time, just stop engaging her. The bottom line is it’s her house. You are not going to change her. It sounds to me like you want to talk things over a lot and she isn’t interested in doing that.

Get a loan for a **used **car, find a roommate and move out already. Stop blaming your mom for things that aren’t going to change and do this for yourself because that’s what adults do. You are the one that wants change, then you are the one that needs to change.

 

[mommy_k]

She’s your mom and has been giving you advice for many years…she is probably trying to guide you when she interrupts your phone call…it’s what she’s been doing since you were born. Thats what mom’s do…advise and guide.

When she says cut and dry things to you…it sounds like she knows the authority of being your mom, and wants you to realize this fact.

You sound like u are at the age that you want independance, and want to seperate from her…this is healthy and normal…and it means your mom did her job well.

So working and gaining independance will be the only way to solve your dilemma.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Time to move out. If you really are motivated, you will find a way.

 

[DarkLight]

Are you able to move to another room, or speak lower so she can’t hear you as well?

Honestly at this point I feel like I don’t know what sets her off. It could be anything. It could be me asking her a clarificatory question about what she wants me to do. It could be me not handling my own medical issues in a way she approves of.

I’m definitely working on moving out, but it’s certainly not happening in the next 3 weeks or anything, and that’s really what I’m trying to figure out how to cope with - I feel like I’m under super-intense pressure now, and moving out in any sort of controlled manner takes time.

 

[Sarcelle]

Honestly at this point I feel like I don’t know what sets her off. It could be anything. It could be me asking her a clarificatory question about what she wants me to do. It could be me not handling my own medical issues in a way she approves of.

I’m definitely working on moving out, but it’s certainly not happening in the next 3 weeks or anything, and that’s really what I’m trying to figure out how to cope with - I feel like I’m under super-intense pressure now, and moving out in any sort of controlled manner takes time.

Start saving small amounts of money with a goal to moving out, preferably far, far away, to a place with a lower cost of living. Start actively looking for a job in your preferred region of the country.

Use your mother’s craziness as a motivation to start saving money. Saving money will also act as a consolation whenever your mother begins acting up again. So when your mother gives you a hard time, you know it’s only a matter of time before you no longer have to deal with her behavior.

Also, at least you are doing something other than hoping your mother will change which is unlikely.

 

[Xantippe]

I know, I know, I need to move out. Believe me, I’m working on it. I need a car first though, and I don’t want to take out a loan (public transit around here just isn’t going to get me to and from work).

A lot of it is I feel like the standards are very unfairly applied. It’s ok for my mother to say something to me, but when I say almost the same exact thing back to her about how I feel like I’m being treated, it’s horrendously rude and how dare I accuse her of that sort of thing.

One big one is she has this rule that when one person brings up a problem, it’s not ok to respond with a problem of your own. Which would be a great rule if it was applied fairly. The trouble is it’s not. So when I bring up a problem I’m having, she’ll respond with a problem she’s having with me, often not even acknowledging the problem I mentioned. But if I then respond back with my issues, I’m being rude because she brought up a problem and I’m responding by turning the conversation back to the issue I’m having.

I also feel like I get a lot of dismissive language. Like if I say “I feel like when you say X, it really hurts me” I get responses like “well that’s just how you feel, feelings aren’t reality.” Or if I say “I have a problem with X” I get told “Well there are two people here, it’s not all about you.” Basically feeling like any time I try to ask for equal consideration as an adult, I’m being treated like I’m being selfish and making it all about myself.

Basically, I feel like she’s creating an environment where I’m expected to put up with whatever she does, even if I find it rude or hurtful or whatever. But I’m also expected to be unfailingly polite and never show any frustration or irritation. She’ll say I should talk things out with her instead, but when I try to talk frustrations out I get shut down.

How do I keep myself sane in the meantime?

I haven’t read your whole thread yet, but unless it’s a really really big deal don’t bother.

If it is a really big deal, ask her, “When can we talk about X?” and then hold her to whatever she replies.

If she deflects again with her issues with you, ask her “When can we talk about X?”

I wouldn’t do that through more than three iterations, but you might get better results by making an appointment to talk about your thing, which gives her time to think about your thing and prepare an answer.

But yeah–get out as soon as you can.

 

[Xantippe]

Stop expecting her to act like a normal person. You are let down because you continue to operate as if she is going to behave like a loving mother. She is not. She is going to behave like a crazy person.

So, change your expectations and your responses to the crazy, Stop bringing up frustrations and problems to her. Stop initiating.

That’s a good answer.