Troubled about my past... Please help

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Dorothy_Brown

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Something that has always troubled me is I have struggled with purity for as long as I can remember; I’ve always had a remarkable memory, so I’m still very aware of how I thought as a child. And it wasn’t in a way any child should be thinking…
I cannot seem to identify when exactly I experienced a loss of innocence; it was more of a step-by-step gaining of knowledge for me, and when my parents explained the birds and the bees when I was twelve, I understood how it all fit together.
But see, I’m really concerned because even before I had “the talk,” I can recall having some sort of intuition (based on my knowledge of the difference between the male and female anatomy) about sexuality, but from a very twisted view.
I occasionally have flashbacks of how I would channel my vivid imagination towards coming up with quite perverted speculations and scenarios. However, I remember being very secretive about it, not because I saw it as wrong, but because I knew I had a very odd way of thinking for someone my age. It wasn’t until my teenage years that I learned more about morality, and realized that my way of thinking was sinful. 😦
Although I have confessed this and repented, I still feel ashamed of myself whenever I remember these things. I guess what troubles me the most about it is it seemed that I caused my own scandal; I was never abused, and I was raised in a loving and morally upright family with absolutely no exposure to anything remotely as impure as what I would come up with. And it makes me sick. Especially because when I was as young as seven years old, I would share some of my thoughts with other children. 😦
Is there something wrong with me? Sometimes I don’t understand how God could love me.
 
You have confessed your sin. Now you need to let it go. This may seem simplistic but by reliving your sin you are rejecting the Mercy of God. To allow the past to control you is to allow the evil one to have his way with you…this is not God’s Will for you or for any of us.

You need not confess your sin again (in fact, you should not do so) but maybe you can make an appointment with a priest for counseling.

Be at peace.
 
Pray to Jesus and ask Him to heal your memories and your imagination.

Did you confess mentioning some of these things to your classmates? If not, do so, that might help.

ETA: I second the idea of talking with a good priest about this, for problems like this, irl contact with someone who knows far more than we do is always best.
 
Mary_Ellen said:
You have confessed your sin. Now you need to let it go. This may seem simplistic but by reliving your sin you are rejecting the Mercy of God. To allow the past to control you is to allow the evil one to have his way with you…this is not God’s Will for you or for any of us.

You need not confess your sin again (in fact, you should not do so) but maybe you can make an appointment with a priest for counseling.

Be at peace.
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THIS^^^^

Confess to a priest, and no one else. If you have done this already, and are truly remorseful, you need to move on, step out in faith and practice your faith. Try daily Mass, or go to Adoration. Get closer to the Lord.
Peace.
 
Dr. David Anders, host of EWTN’s radio/YouTube show “Call to Communion” recently counseled a caller that her sins were gone, but what remained was the mourning over that sin. Mourning, being one of the beatitudes, points to the consolation that you will receive.

You are troubled by your past as a vivid reminder also to avoid those sins in the present. In that sense, such memories may cause you to shudder, but are similar to a loved one shaking you out of a daydream and back into the present time.

From my standpoint, what I see is that you remember as much as God has forgotten, which indicates the depth of His love, mercy and grace. It might help if you viewed it through that lens.
 
po18guy said:
Dr. David Anders, host of EWTN’s radio/YouTube show “Call to Communion” recently counseled a caller that her sins were gone, but what remained was the mourning over that sin. Mourning, being one of the beatitudes, points to the consolation that you will receive.

You are troubled by your past as a vivid reminder also to avoid those sins in the present. In that sense, such memories may cause you to shudder, but are similar to a loved one shaking you out of a daydream and back into the present time.

From my standpoint, what I see is that you remember as much as God has forgotten, which indicates the depth of His love, mercy and grace. It might help if you viewed it through that lens.
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I love this.
 
Welcome to CAF Dorothy.
As other posters have stated; you have already confessed, not it is time to move on. You should speak with a Priest about your concerns. He is the best one to advise you further in your spiritual growth & development.
 
As others have advised, let it go. Children are much more sexual than you seem to be aware of. I have an early memory - maybe 4 years old - which was sexual. I think most of us just don’t talk about it or remember.

Masturbation is very common in young children. I remember being surprised when I first learned what masturbation was - in 7th grade! That was the first sex education I had - obviously a few years late.
 
Dorothy_Brown said:
Something that has always troubled me is I have struggled with purity for as long as I can remember; I’ve always had a remarkable memory, so I’m still very aware of how I thought as a child. And it wasn’t in a way any child should be thinking…
I cannot seem to identify when exactly I experienced a loss of innocence; it was more of a step-by-step gaining of knowledge for me, and when my parents explained the birds and the bees when I was twelve, I understood how it all fit together.
But see, I’m really concerned because even before I had “the talk,” I can recall having some sort of intuition (based on my knowledge of the difference between the male and female anatomy) about sexuality, but from a very twisted view.
I occasionally have flashbacks of how I would channel my vivid imagination towards coming up with quite perverted speculations and scenarios. However, I remember being very secretive about it, not because I saw it as wrong, but because I knew I had a very odd way of thinking for someone my age. It wasn’t until my teenage years that I learned more about morality, and realized that my way of thinking was sinful. 😦
Although I have confessed this and repented, I still feel ashamed of myself whenever I remember these things. I guess what troubles me the most about it is it seemed that I caused my own scandal; I was never abused, and I was raised in a loving and morally upright family with absolutely no exposure to anything remotely as impure as what I would come up with. And it makes me sick. Especially because when I was as young as seven years old, I would share some of my thoughts with other children. 😦
Is there something wrong with me? Sometimes I don’t understand how God could love me.
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You were a child … don’t let what you did as a child bring you discomfort … I’m sure you have gone to confession … let it go … our religion teaches that once you have received confession you are to let the sin go … and I’m sure any priest would tell you that whatever you did as a child should certainly not be a cause for alarm at this moment … Bless you for having such a good soul that it bothers you … but it is best to let it go and not concentrate on it.
 
In the City of God written by St. Mary of Agreda she stated that Our Lady, the Blessed Virgin stated that Satan plots against the baby while still in the mother’s womb. The devil lost grace, but is still an angel with superior intelligence. With this intelligence he knows human nature and all the it’s properties. He knows it’s physical and psychological weaknesses and plots against it’s salvation while it is still in the womb. He can influence the mind by suggestions, and work through the concupiscence that each person inherits from original sin. Even the late St, Padre Pio stated that he was continually harassed by an evil angel through his concupiscence. The Church sees these temptations as an occasion to gain merit if we resist them. As mentioned by others, a good confession eliminates, or should eliminate the guilt associated with the remembrance of past sins, if not, then we do not trust God and His Mercy.
 
tawny said:
Welcome to CAF Dorothy.
As other posters have stated; you have already confessed, not it is time to move on. You should speak with a Priest about your concerns. He is the best one to advise you further in your spiritual growth & development.
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Welcome to CAF from me also, Dorothy 🙂
Is there something wrong with me? Sometimes I don’t understand how God could love me.
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Regrets and suffering over past failures is not at all uncommon, Dorothy. You are not alone by far! That regret and suffering can be so intense, one cannot understand at all how God could love one. You are not alone in that either.
Probably all of us to some degree or other at some time or other go through such inner disturbance and it may happen regularly during our journey, it may not. It could happen for quite a long time. Even quite a few of our great saints had such types of suffering.

Rather often memories of past failures can be a temptation to discouragement by disturbing Peace of Soul, heart and mind. Disturbing memories of the past can cause us to doubt the Wondrous and Infinite Mercy of God always present in a very real way as a guarantee by God in The Sacrament of Reconciliation or Confession.

God has not only forgiven you, but forgotten completely your past. With a Good Confession, your have a totally new beginning. Other posters have given excellent advice and do keep up prayer that the Good God will help you overcome your temptations to discouragement, thanking Him for His Love and Mercy.

I though what Tawny has said in the quotation above is a really good one. Speak to a priest (your parish priest perhaps) about your concerns. Our priests are not only there to celebrate Mass and The Sacraments, but to advise, guide, encourage, console and help us along our journey and very especially in times of difficulty and problems.
 
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