Trying to decide if being altruistic is worth it

[EasterJoy]

“Now, back to our religion: as a Christian, we don’t act for gain. We don’t do things for ourselves.”

Yes, we do. We do so every day. We decide whether or not to take an umbrella to work, what to have for lunch, what color tie to wear, go to medical appointments, and how much to charge for our services. We can’t act only for gain or do things only for our own benefit, but we count, too, and we deserve some consideration.

The difficulty with the OP’s case is that it’s not just her interest versus everybody else’s interest. We know that the mom wants her not to come but the dad wants her to come (so she can’t simply obey her parents–they disagree), but we have no idea what her sister and the sister’s future MIL actually want. It’s not out of the question that the future MIL is dying to find an excuse not to come, or that the sister wants the OP there, rather than the future MIL. As people have mentioned, college graduations are fairly grueling events, and not everybody is dying to go to as many as possible.

There’s actually an interesting passage in C.S. Lewis’s The Screwtape Letters where the devil Screwtape teaches his nephew about something called the Generous Conflict Illusion, where everybody struggles to be unselfish, nobody will say what they actually want, and in the end, tempers flare and nobody gets what they want because nobody would say what their actual preference was. Screwtape also says that it was a great victory on the part of Hell to replace the idea of “charity” with “unselfishness,” subtly moving the focus from benefit to the other to one’s own “unselfishness.” I think we’ve all met people (especially older women) who seem to be dying to inconvenience themselves for our sake, even though it’s the last thing we want.

This is very good. It is good to avoid strife, but not good to serve yourself some bitterness as payment for giving in to someone who may or may not have even wanted your generosity. There is no Lazarus in the OPs story, dying at someone’s gate for lack of a charitable soul, and that actually includes the OP. Whoever does not get to go to graduation will not suffer some great harm, and might even dodge a great penance. Certainly the OP will not count it among the great moments of her life, since her sister’s graduation does not represent some great shared joy between them. The OP would be wise not to spend too much political capital to get her own way on this one. It is annoying to be treated so ungraciously, it is natural to feel some hurt about it, but passing it over is almost certainly better than forcing the point. You do teach people how to treat you, but there is a limit to the messages you can get through some skulls. “You can’t teach a pig to sing; you just frustrate yourself and annoy the pig.” It would be wise for the OP to consider how teachable the subject is before she makes this into a teachable moment.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

She has a right to be upset, but it won’t do her a bit of good. I trust her sense that she’s better off not calling her sister directly, too. I’m thinking that this comes from experience. At any rate, on the scale of things to get worked up about, graduation is not one of them, not if the graduate herself is not lobbying and begging for you to go.

I’m not suggesting she call her sister either. But if I were in her place and the mother brought it up to me, I would say something like, “I’m not the one whose tickets they are. Are they Sister’s? Then tell her to give them to whomever she likes. Are they yours and Dad’s? Then you guys decide among yourselves who you want to give them to. Either give me one or don’t give me one, but this is not my decision to make.”

When it comes to the Golden Rule, I don’t know that an argument can be made for or against giving in on this one. This is more like the pearls-before-swine conundrum. If no good will come of doing good, then save your charity and keep moving, and the same goes for making a brave stand in a losing battle. It is better to retreat in order to fight on a more favorable day.

You make a good point that this particular situation is not one worth burning bridges for, and I can see a case for just letting it go, bowing out, and recognizing that you are better off spending the day doing almost anything else than being in the middle of what will very likely be an unpleasant situation. But I am not looking at it as one situation, but just another event in a pattern of similar situations. I would want to take a stand, not for the graduation, but for the larger issue of having appropriate boundaries and expecting my mother (at the least) to show me respect. You can have a million little events, that are never “bad enough” to take a stand. But sometimes you have to take a stand for the big problem that is behind all of the “little events.” That’s where I am coming from. I admit, I do have a low tolerance for people treating me like c*&p, and I do get angry easily, but I really do see this more about setting boundaries and not accepting disrespect than about expressing anger.

I will say though, that the OP would need to be motivated to stand up for respect and appropriate boundaries to do this. If the OP really isn’t motivated to make a change in that way at this point, then it probably would be better just to let it go.

 

[R_C]

Please don’t assume I “claim” to be a Christian, I am a Christian. I apologize for the poor thread title, goodness.

I know what Christ demands. Sorry the title is unChristian, but you do not know me and how I live my life. I try to do what is best for others all the time but at some point being manipulated by others is toxic and I needed advice from others, not an attack on my faith, which is the purpose of the forum.

Blessings!

Please forgive me for such a poor word choice I simply referred to the fact that you indeed are a sister in Christ, and I guess I should have said “stated to be” or simply “is” I didn’t mean anything derogatory.

I did not intend to judge you from the thread title (that would be a very poor way to judge a soul, nor that we should ever do that). All I meant to do is to show that there was something odd about the very idea that being altruistic may be weighed in terms of its “worthiness”, as if the opposite - being egoistic - were ever worthy to pursue for a Christian (which is not, obviously).

I do agree, being manipulated by others can be harmful…both for us and for them…in that case we are not being altruistic, obviously, since we have subjected our will to another creature, rather than to the Creator. Thus I guess in such a situation, one who wishes to break free from the manipulation is not doing so out of selfishness, but in fact out of altruism - for by being manipulated he/she is unable to do more for others as the Lord wills it.

I hope I manage to express what I intend despite my poor word choice here and there…have a blessed Lord’s Day!

 

[gardenswithkids]

For whatever my opinion’s worth…
I think it is very altruistic of you to want to attend your sister’s graduation, especially since you say the two of you haven’t always gotten along. Also, I think it’s very altruistic of you to consider giving up going to her graduation (that you desire to attend) so someone else can use the ticket.

You can let your sister and your parents know you’d like to attend and since they are the ones holding the tickets, the choice is theirs and not yours. Whatever they decide to do with the tickets, be gracious. Being gracious is always worth it.

 

[angelic06]

The way I see it, you being your sister’s sister trumps your (not yet) mother in law.

That being said, let your sister, NOT your mother, decide. It is her graduation, not your mother’s, still less your future mother in law’s.

 

[EasterJoy]

The way I see it, you being your sister’s sister trumps your (not yet) mother in law.

That being said, let your sister, NOT your mother, decide. It is her graduation, not your mother’s, still less your future mother in law’s.

Trumps only count when everyone is committed to playing according to Hoyle!

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m not suggesting she call her sister either. But if I were in her place and the mother brought it up to me, I would say something like, “I’m not the one whose tickets they are. Are they Sister’s? Then tell her to give them to whomever she likes. Are they yours and Dad’s? Then you guys decide among yourselves who you want to give them to. Either give me one or don’t give me one, but this is not my decision to make.”

You make a good point that this particular situation is not one worth burning bridges for, and I can see a case for just letting it go, bowing out, and recognizing that you are better off spending the day doing almost anything else than being in the middle of what will very likely be an unpleasant situation. But I am not looking at it as one situation, but just another event in a pattern of similar situations. I would want to take a stand, not for the graduation, but for the larger issue of having appropriate boundaries and expecting my mother (at the least) to show me respect. You can have a million little events, that are never “bad enough” to take a stand. But sometimes you have to take a stand for the big problem that is behind all of the “little events.” That’s where I am coming from. I admit, I do have a low tolerance for people treating me like c*&p, and I do get angry easily, but I really do see this more about setting boundaries and not accepting disrespect than about expressing anger.

I will say though, that the OP would need to be motivated to stand up for respect and appropriate boundaries to do this. If the OP really isn’t motivated to make a change in that way at this point, then it probably would be better just to let it go.

OK, but if the sister doesn’t want her at graduation, what exactly is the OP fighting for? There gets to be a point where the only possible victory, even if it can be made a certainty, will still be Pyrrhic if it can only be won by exertion of force. Either the graduate freely invites the OP, or the OP should opt out of the event. It is not as if one sister had sold something to the other, such that an actual right existed. The OPs sister can get married and elect not to include her on the guest list, if she wants! It would be insensitive, but the bride has the right to make insensitive decisions. She has that right as a graduate, too.

Now, should the OP express indignation at her mother for trying to strong-arm her into relinquishing her ticket? She can if she wants. She has an emotional bank account with her mother, though, and she needs to manage it with care. As you imply, the route of giving in to any kind of treatment from her is just as untenable as expecting her mom to take any kind of treatment from her. Just as a parent with children, an adult living with relatives is wise to pick her battles carefully. In the long run, neither staying off the battlefield entirely nor fighting every fight without retreat is a good strategy.

If at all possible, though, the OP ought to keep her eyes out for Win-Win solutions. If she can see down the track a little farther than others are looking and come up with solutions that take everyone’s desires into account, she can reap a profit for everyone. That is the ideal to shoot for. The somebody-wins-somebody-loses or someone-wins-somebody-loses-face routes ought to be avoided wherever possible.

I don’t think we’re really in disagreement, though. Getting into an endless series of I-lose-again-and-you-win-yet-again situations can’t be sustained, not matter how small each of the little losses are. Someone who is continually standing on your neck to get what they want can’t simultaneously be in a mutually-beneficial relationship with you. Sometimes it is in everyone’s best interest for the one getting the short end of the stick to put an end to that game, in favor of one that works for everyone.

 

[skigirl1689]

But sometimes you have to take a stand for the big problem that is behind all of the “little events.” That’s where I am coming from. I admit, I do have a low tolerance for people treating me like c*&p, and I do get angry easily, but I really do see this more about setting boundaries and not accepting disrespect than about expressing anger.

I will say though, that the OP would need to be motivated to stand up for respect and appropriate boundaries to do this. If the OP really isn’t motivated to make a change in that way at this point, then it probably would be better just to let it go.

I understand the point you were making…and I am starting to see a pattern that there is probably a greater issue behind all of these small issues. They likely know I am oftentimes going to be the one to give up easily and they take advantage of it in a round-about way. But this is not an issue I think is worth fighting for if it comes to who gets to attend.

Please forgive me for such a poor word choice I simply referred to the fact that you indeed are a sister in Christ, and I guess I should have said “stated to be” or simply “is” I didn’t mean anything derogatory.

I did not intend to judge you from the thread title (that would be a very poor way to judge a soul, nor that we should ever do that). All I meant to do is to show that there was something odd about the very idea that being altruistic may be weighed in terms of its “worthiness”, as if the opposite - being egoistic - were ever worthy to pursue for a Christian (which is not, obviously).

I do agree, being manipulated by others can be harmful…both for us and for them…in that case we are not being altruistic, obviously, since we have subjected our will to another creature, rather than to the Creator. Thus I guess in such a situation, one who wishes to break free from the manipulation is not doing so out of selfishness, but in fact out of altruism - for by being manipulated he/she is unable to do more for others as the Lord wills it.

I hope I manage to express what I intend despite my poor word choice here and there…have a blessed Lord’s Day!

Thank you for the explanation; apology accepted . Sometimes I wonder what my motives are for trying to do the best thing in situations like this one…is it because I want what is best or am I doing it to avoid conflict? It’s such a fine line. I don’t know.

OK, but if the sister doesn’t want her at graduation, what exactly is the OP fighting for? There gets to be a point where the only possible victory, even if it can be made a certainty, will still be Pyrrhic if it can only be won by exertion of force. Either the graduate freely invites the OP, or the OP should opt out of the event. It is not as if one sister had sold something to the other, such that an actual right existed. The OPs sister can get married and elect not to include her on the guest list, if she wants! It would be insensitive, but the bride has the right to make insensitive decisions. She has that right as a graduate, too.

Now, should the OP express indignation at her mother for trying to strong-arm her into relinquishing her ticket? She can if she wants. She has an emotional bank account with her mother, though, and she needs to manage it with care. As you imply, the route of giving in to any kind of treatment from her is just as untenable as expecting her mom to take any kind of treatment from her. Just as a parent with children, an adult living with relatives is wise to pick her battles carefully. In the long run, neither staying off the battlefield entirely nor fighting every fight without retreat is a good strategy.

If at all possible, though, the OP ought to keep her eyes out for Win-Win solutions. If she can see down the track a little farther than others are looking and come up with solutions that take everyone’s desires into account, she can reap a profit for everyone. That is the ideal to shoot for. The somebody-wins-somebody-loses or someone-wins-somebody-loses-face routes ought to be avoided wherever possible.

I don’t think we’re really in disagreement, though. Getting into an endless series of I-lose-again-and-you-win-yet-again situations can’t be sustained, not matter how small each of the little losses are. Someone who is continually standing on your neck to get what they want can’t simultaneously be in a mutually-beneficial relationship with you. Sometimes it is in everyone’s best interest for the one getting the short end of the stick to put an end to that game, in favor of one that works for everyone.

Very true! I have to decide if this battle is worth it and at this point, it is not. I really do think my mom is manipulating it so the MIL can come and keep her in her good graces, though I have no clue why, they already get along fine. And as I said, my dad is being vocal with his opinion that the MIL doesn’t have to be there .

At this point, I am still hopeful by some chance my sister can find an extra ticket. It’s going to be a long week…