Trying to handle my Mom's opposition to personal endeavors

[redbetta]

This my sound a little like a rant and be long-winded, but I do not have a lot of time to make this shorter. I am a 17 year-old girl with a bad relationship with her mother. I am good at school, but I do not have any personal interests, hobbies, or any skills and I have been trying for the past few years to find something, you know, pretty typical adolescent stuff. I sometimes look though baking books and I would love to learn how to bake good things from scratch. The thing is, my Mom will not let me bake anything that is not out of a box, which I already have done plenty of times before. Mom basically does not want me to go buy ingredients for something that is not guaranteed to work. It is a waste of money to her, but it is not: people learn by trial and error.

And we are not teetering on financial ruin, so there is no need to discourage me. If I want to go out with a classmate, Mom is willing to give me a small fortune for the outing. And I usually do not want to, Mom pressures me into going out with people even though I do not have anything to talk about while with them. And Dad often asks me if I want to go on a trip anywhere I like and he is willing to be generous. But I decline the offers because I already travel enough with the family and I just want small things. I basically want to learn to do something independently, to have something to be proud of, to have a skill to carry with me the rest of my life. And I am aiming for such a practical skill at that.

Whenever I want to set my own goals, Mom discourages me. She tells me that American food only looks colorful, but that’s about it (both parents are from Poland, I was born in America). But, Mom will not make me make anything thing from scratch Polish or not. Last time I made cupcakes from scratch, Mom was screaming at me that I would destroy her kitchen. But they turned out fine and my half-brother, who was visiting that day, complimented me on them and is still alive after having four. But, Mom still tries to hold my hand with everything, sometimes usurping my work as I just sit there and measure flour. She always believes that I will make a mess and watches me with whatever I am doing. I have told her that it is annoying, her watching is like having some specter hovering nearby, but she will not let loose even though I am nervous.

Tomorrow, my parish is sponsoring a meal at a Catholic Charities soup kitchen and our youth minister is letting anyone interested bring dessert. I seized at the opportunity. Mom is letting me buy pastry mix, but she wonders why I would ever want to make anything from scratch since it is so inconvenient and expensive. Well, I have money but I hate the attitude Mom has. I want to do things because they are hard, not because they are easy. That is how I am with my classes, and this is how I want to be with everything else. One thing that makes me mad about the American mainstream is that so much is jettisoned for the sake of convenience. I do not trust things from the store shelf because with all the additives and extra sugar, they are usually second-rate at best, diluted poison at worst. To be able to bypass all of that would make me feel empowered. The Polish pastries my family is used to do not come in quick-assemble format and I love that. To think that Mom would be willing to buy it in a box, if available, is something akin to treason. And it might be an inconvenience to her, but I want to bring this on myself.

I guess I am not quite sure what I am asking, I just want to be able to learn how to do something that I have wanted to in for a while. My aunt loves to bake, but her schedule makes it hard to get together. I have another acquaintance from school I can meet with, but she is not a good baker so it is blind leading the blind. Please, no one dismiss this as one isolated emotional incident; I have written about problems with my mother here before and the atmosphere generated in the house is hard to live with. And my Dad is probably taking this all the hardest. Dad always wants to help whenever he sees me upset no matter what the cost. But, I have never told him and, I do not think I can, that there comes a time when a girl wants things that her daddy cannot buy. My Dad cannot buy me competence in anything. He may help me by supplying me, nothing he can do can counteract Mom’s disapproval. She acts on her own accord and my Dad is rather helpless even though he notices the instances when Mom bashes my confidence and makes me feel guilt for ever desiring something that she does not desire for me.

She loves shopping and hates the fact that I do not like to shop. I am actually more frugal than she is. If I receive money for anything, I am too afraid to treat myself to anything and I just hide it away. My Mom sometimes takes it upon herself to treat me with something I really do not care for like new hand bags, shoes, and clothes. When I am sad, she sometimes shows me bits and pieces of my inheritance in hope of cheering me up: her purses, jewelry, fine china, and all such nice things. But, none of it is something that I earned. Mom is disappointed in her only other child and plans to give almost everything to me, but I feel as though she is conditioning me to be something that I am not sometimes.

If I offended anyone, that was not my intent, I do not support any of the views mentioned that my Mom holds that might be considered offensive. Thanks to anyone how bothered to read all of this and any advice, prayers, etc. would be appreciated. Pardon any typos, I already spent more time on this than I should and am losing sleep for it. Thanks.

 

[Shin]

One of the [Twelve Promises of the Sacred Heart of Jesus](2. I will establish peace in their families.) given to St. Margaret Mary is ‘I will establish peace in their families.’

Try to find yourself a picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and say a daily prayer before it in honor of His Sacred Heart with the special intention of peace in your family, and between you and your mother.

 

[Petaro]

Your friend who cannot bake- Could you not meet with her with the ingredients for a nice pastry filo pastry slices; etc and try out a few recipes. Most recipes are easy to follow and even if you botch a few- so what? This is not using your mother’s kitchen or her money. You can buy flour etc at a very low cost and cooking with a friend can be a lot of fun.
I would give this a go asit is not disobeying your mother, and you may be very pleased with the results, (or not) but either way it is not the end of the world.
I really believe, without being sexist, than a lot of men appreciate a womanwho can cook. It can also make lot of money, I do not suggest you become a famous chef. But a hobby is a good thing to do to relieve the stress of study. Good Luck.

 

[Isca]

I’m really surprised that your mum is opposed to you learning how to cook! It seems a fantastic hobby for a young woman, and will be useful to you all through your life.

I have a sneaking suspicion that your mum is worried that you will usurp her in the kitchen, and that you may be a better cook than she is. If she’s proud of being the home-maker in your family, she may be rather over-protective of those things which she sees as “her” domain.

My own mum always discouraged me from doing housework when I lived at home, as she said “you’ll have to do it for yourself long enough when you leave home”. Looking back, I think that because she was a stay-at-home-mum, she didn’t want to lose any part of her role in the home, as she cherished it.

Perhaps try asking your mum to show you how to make something she’s really good at baking or cooking, and say you want to learn from her? It may be that you don’t really need to do this, but it might make your mum feel that her skills are valued.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Whenever I want to set my own goals, Mom discourages me.

How controlling is she in other aspects of your life?

I know she disapproves about your faith, you’ve written about that before.

I have had a lot of control issues in my family when I was growing up, and there were continuous attempts of creating co-dependency. I suspect that she is doing the same to you, your posts just have that certain tone to them and it all sounds too familiar. You need to stand up for yourself and not allow her to do that to you. These things are extremely damaging. If your dad can’t help you maybe you can find someone who can - someone who can be a source of support, who will encourage you and will tell you they believe in you.

Will you leave home after you finish high school? Are you free to choose what you want to do or has your mom made plans already?

 

[redbetta]

I’m really surprised that your mum is opposed to you learning how to cook! It seems a fantastic hobby for a young woman, and will be useful to you all through your life.

I have a sneaking suspicion that your mum is worried that you will usurp her in the kitchen, and that you may be a better cook than she is. If she’s proud of being the home-maker in your family, she may be rather over-protective of those things which she sees as “her” domain.

My own mum always discouraged me from doing housework when I lived at home, as she said “you’ll have to do it for yourself long enough when you leave home”. Looking back, I think that because she was a stay-at-home-mum, she didn’t want to lose any part of her role in the home, as she cherished it.

Perhaps try asking your mum to show you how to make something she’s really good at baking or cooking, and say you want to learn from her? It may be that you don’t really need to do this, but it might make your mum feel that her skills are valued.

My Mom actually hates being a homemaker and would rather hire someone to cook/clean than to do it herself. She is not a stay at home mom. She does not really take pride in her cooking and desires for me to never have the sort of life she has and wants me to become a doctor so that I can hire people to cook/clean for me.

 

[redbetta]

How controlling is she in other aspects of your life?

I know she disapproves about your faith, you’ve written about that before.

I have had a lot of control issues in my family when I was growing up, and there were continuous attempts of creating co-dependency. I suspect that she is doing the same to you, your posts just have that certain tone to them and it all sounds too familiar. You need to stand up for yourself and not allow her to do that to you. These things are extremely damaging. If your dad can’t help you maybe you can find someone who can - someone who can be a source of support, who will encourage you and will tell you they believe in you.

Will you leave home after you finish high school? Are you free to choose what you want to do or has your mom made plans already?

I plan on going to college and I can pick the college, but Mom wants me to go into medicine because that is where the big money and jobs are. She refers to my brother as a loser for wasting a college education to become a mechanic and then a police officer and now she wants me to be a doctor really badly. She even told me a dream that she had where she was bleeding to death and told me her last three desires: for me to become a doctor, for me to buy her a black granite headstone, and for me to bury the dog next to her when she dies. Not a word about my brother or Dad.

I have already written before that she is pretty much picking my career for me because she thinks that anything outside of medicine or being a mortician will make me poor. I do not know what to do with my life because I do not even know what I like or am interested in, but I do not want her picking my job for me. Plus, if I go to medical school, hate it, and drop out, I would incur so much debt and Mom is not thinking about that possibility. Dad tells me not to worry, that I should do what makes me happy and he will pay for college and my brother tells me likewise to do what I love. But, Dad is 16 years older than Mom and so, if he dies, I would be stuck with her for probably a long time without anyone to help me out.

 

[Xantippe]

I plan on going to college and I can pick the college, but Mom wants me to go into medicine because that is where the big money and jobs are. She refers to my brother as a loser for wasting a college education to become a mechanic and then a police officer and now she wants me to be a doctor really badly. She even told me a dream that she had where she was bleeding to death and told me her last three desires: for me to become a doctor, for me to buy her a black granite headstone, and for me to bury the dog next to her when she dies. Not a word about my brother or Dad.

I have already written before that she is pretty much picking my career for me because she thinks that anything outside of medicine or being a mortician will make me poor. I do not know what to do with my life because I do not even know what I like or am interested in, but I do not want her picking my job for me. Plus, if I go to medical school, hate it, and drop out, I would incur so much debt and Mom is not thinking about that possibility. Dad tells me not to worry, that I should do what makes me happy and he will pay for college and my brother tells me likewise to do what I love. But, Dad is 16 years older than Mom and so, if he dies, I would be stuck with her for probably a long time without anyone to help me out.

Mom sounds like a real piece of work. I think I would do my best to just bobble-head my way through high school and into college, and then not look back. If you should ever go into psychiatry, you may discover there are whole chapters in your textbooks devoted to people like her.

Don’t worry about your dad dying unless he’s sick already–all you need is 4 years of college. And even if he were to die tomorrow, you could still get through college by yourself–lots of people do.

I’m a little squicked out by even suggesting this, but the next time you and your dad talk about college, perhaps you should ask your dad what the provisions of his will are. You could mention that you are concerned that mom is going to cut you off if you don’t go into medicine, and you might ask him if this is what he really wants to happen. (I have to warn you that we have older Polish relatives, and they have gotten really insulted at the idea of it being suggested that they write a will, even when there was a desperate need to get something on paper. “Nobody in Poland writes wills!” Yeah–and nobody in Poland in the 1970s and 1980s had anything to speak of. So be prepared for a little awkwardness.)

Best wishes!

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Dad tells me not to worry, that I should do what makes me happy and he will pay for college and my brother tells me likewise to do what I love. But, Dad is 16 years older than Mom and so, if he dies, I would be stuck with her for probably a long time without anyone to help me out.

My goodness. You have a lot to deal with at home.

Listen to your dad. If he says he will support you and pay for your degree - let him. Do not get sucked into your mom’s weird fantasy about your future and what you should do. (What next? Will she pick a husband for you? Dictate the number of children you should have?) Do not let her manipulate you.

As the previous poster said, nod your head and get out when you get the chance. College is your way out, and choosing the right career path will make you free to not put up with your mom’s nonsense. Also, finding out about inheritance is a good idea. God forbid that your dad should die so soon and I in no way suggest that his death would be your ticket to financial security, but you do seem to think that his age is an issue. Maybe you should tell him honestly you are concerned about these things and ask him to make sure he takes care of it in time.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Red,

I pray that God grants you peace. I know it is rough when you are young and your parents try to determine the path you should take for a career. The thing is you will soon be going to college, and you may find that YOU want your life to take a different path - and it will be your choice. It will be you working and living with the career you choose – and if you do not like your job it will quickly make you miserable.

As for the learning to bake from scratch – you state that you have a friend that also would like to learn. I say both of you give it a shot. Yes it will be a learning experience and you will make some mistakes, no matter how much experience you or anyone else has – we all still make mistakes. The thing is you may discover that you have an exceptional talent for it.

Just remember that you have your whole life a head of you, 17 is still young, and you will be able to choose your own path. Trust in God and ask Him to help grant you strength and guide you. You will do fine.

I pray that God grants you peace and happiness.

Winter

 

[His_helpmeet]

I plan on going to college and I can pick the college, but Mom wants me to go into medicine because that is where the big money and jobs are. She refers to my brother as a loser for wasting a college education to become a mechanic and then a police officer and now she wants me to be a doctor really badly. She even told me a dream that she had where she was bleeding to death and told me her last three desires: for me to become a doctor, for me to buy her a black granite headstone, and for me to bury the dog next to her when she dies. Not a word about my brother or Dad.

I have already written before that she is pretty much picking my career for me because she thinks that anything outside of medicine or being a mortician will make me poor. I do not know what to do with my life because I do not even know what I like or am interested in, but I do not want her picking my job for me. Plus, if I go to medical school, hate it, and drop out, I would incur so much debt and Mom is not thinking about that possibility. Dad tells me not to worry, that I should do what makes me happy and he will pay for college and my brother tells me likewise to do what I love. But, Dad is 16 years older than Mom and so, if he dies, I would be stuck with her for probably a long time without anyone to help me out.

It’s not your mother’s place to determine God’s vocation for you. I’m a registered nurse finishing a master’s degree. I teach nursing. I am certainly not poor.

As far as the baking thing - I recommend seeing if you can find some good, easy cookbooks. I don’t know if we are allowed to promote specific products here, but I recommend that you start by looking at the Company’s Coming series by Jean Pare. (Mods, please feel free to take this off my post if you feel it is inappropriate - I’m not trying to disobey forum rules.) There are a couple of cookbooks specifically designed for children and beginners. The recipes are extremely easy to follow and turn out really well. A good place to start is with no-bake cookies. (Some things just need to be refrigerated. Butterscotch confetti, a favourite of mine, is made by melting peanut butter and butterscotch chips and stirring in mini marshmallows, then you put some waxed paper in your pan, pour the mix in, and put the whole thing in the fridge. Fiddle diddles, another favourite, are made by melting butter, adding cocoa, oatmeal, and maybe a couple of other things, pouring it into a pan, and refrigerating it. If you get the Company’s Coming Kids Cooking book, it has the fiddle diddles recipe in it. It says right at the top - “A no-bake cookie that always turns out.” You can show that to your mother and advise her that they test every recipe before it goes in a book.) Another option is melting pot squares - mix some butter with either chocolate cake mix or graham cracker crumbs, put it in the bottom of your pan, throw some chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, and coconut on top, pour a whole can of sweetened condensed milk over the whole thing, and pop it in the oven for a few minutes. You can probably look up these recipes online for specifics - unfortunately I don’t have details here. However, these are dead easy and pretty much impossible to wreck - particularly the melting pot squares. Muffins are another good choice - just mix your dry ingredients, your wet ingredients, add them together, stir until just mixed (too much and it gets tough), pour them into cups, and toss them in the oven. Dead easy. Not much more difficult than making them from a mix.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Some women are like this, for whatever reason. I just brush it off as a quirk. You will be out of the house soon enough, and a few months’ head start on baking is not going to make or break you. Right now, it sounds as though the situation is annoying, but not abusive. Welcome to being a teenager who is teetering on the brink of full independence. Parents sometimes take this hard, or behave strangely. Try not to judge too harshly.

The fact that your mom wants to shop with you and buy you things is annoying, but please keep in mind that she is trying to make you happy, spend time with you, and relate to you-she just doesn’t seem to know how. Why not suggest a third activity for the two of you? One that isn’t exclusively her interests (shopping), or exclusively yours (baking). Maybe try something new together.

My MIL is similar. She is a very warm, gracious, generous person, but she cannot understand my desire to cook and bake. I always make my husband a unique and interesting from-scratch cake for his birthday. When she found out about this tradition she tried very hard to talk me out of it and to buy a box mix instead. I could never figure out why, but she had a very strong, negative reaction to me baking. When I cook a big meal, the food is always praised, but the act of cooking it is disparaged. And the time she caught me knitting… And she’s a very traditional Catholic woman. I have several friends who are similar. Like I said, I think it’s a random quirk that some women are just born with. I don’t get it though, I’ve met men who cook and men who don’t, but none of them seem to think it’s a bad thing.

 

[rjg99a]

To me, it sounds like your mom wants you to have all the things she never got in life, or for you to become successful. From what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem like your mom is necessarily against you having your own personal endeavors - it’s that she doesn’t want you to focus on skills that she feels are “beneath” the life she wants you to have.

She doesn’t want you to learn how to cook, because for some reason, in her mind, she’s associated cooking from scratch as something that “lower” or “unsuccessful” people do. Was was her upbringing like? She may never have had the luxury of being able to buy pre-mixed or pre-made food growing up, so now in her adulthood when she can afford it, she refuses to ever “lower” herself to cook from scratch again (not that people who cook from scratch are in any way lower than others though - but just that this may be her perception). And she doesn’t want you, her only daughter, to ever be in a position she was in her childhood.

And her only wanting you to be a doctor or other high-paying profession? To me it sounds that she wants the best for you and for you to have what she never got. She’d rather you be so successful/busy you have to pay someone to cook and clean for you and you not do it yourself.

That might also explain why she likes to buy things for you and go shopping. And also why she wants you to get happy about the things you will be left in your inheritance, because she may have not had the same childhood as you and would have been thrilled to have been left the things you will.

Or maybe not? But this is just what I got from your posts.

I agree with the above poster who suggested trying to find some other activity that isn’t cooking or shopping that you can both do to spend time together.